nelib Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) Here is the short version of my story I married a guy I had dated for 2.5 years, one year of which we lived together, two months after wedding...I incidentally discovered his double life. We went through a horrible divorce and I suffered unspeakable pain and anguish. I will never be the same again. Not to mention my family is also hurt by everything that happened. I am now dating someone...we have been talking to each other for 10 months and have been dating for a little over 6 months. I have met his family, spent holidays together and he wants to meet my family. I really care about him and see a future with him. He gives me no reason to doubt him or distrust him but he is a quiet guy and doesn't share/divulge much about his life (past, present) with me. I am probably his first REAL relationship but he wont admit to that. Here is the thing...I learned some valuable lessons from my short lived marriage and I dont want history to repeat itself. I have been told by friends and family to be upfront about my trust issues and let the person know that I want transparency in a relationship. I was completely upfront with my current boyfriend about what went down in my marriage and that I am damaged goods now. Two nights ago...I happen to glance at my boyfriends phone and he seemed protective of the contents on the screen. I went absolutely nuts and accused him of wanting to keep things from me. He denied it. Since that night I have maintained that if he wants to CONTINUE a relationship with me I am going to require transparency. I feel like trust and snooping while in a relationship is a divided topic. There are those that hate it and think it is an invasion of privacy (I was once on that side) and then there are those who think that snooping with appropriate red flags is a necessary and life altering situations have come about because of what was discovered in the process. For this reason, I want transparency...nothing is locked or kept from someone else....if you feel like looking...be my guest...I wont stop you but I assure you that you will find nothing I honestly feel like I would rather be alone than ever have to go through the shock/shame/pain of discovering that I am involved with someone who would be unfaithful to me. He is adamant about not divulging passwords, keys, phone codes etc. And I am holding steadfast to wanting transparency. Am I doing the right thing? Edited January 12, 2014 by nelib
Silly_Girl Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I would react how you have. And lots of people would tell me it's irrational. That it's not the way forward. But I would persist, and if I didn't get the reassurance then the relationship would end. I have put a lot of demons to bed in recent years, trust is the one that remains and I actually don't feel concerned at the fact. Others will be able to give much more balanced advice
Frank2thepoint Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Trust and transparency is a divided topic, even within itself. Everyone will argue trust is extremely important, but then many will back paddle and argue with transparency comes invasion of an individual's privacy. Trust, in one aspect, is just faith in something that has no physical evidence that it exists. It's an individual person's choice to have trust, which consequently in any type of relationship, also relies on someone else's reassurance through words and actions that the person should be trusted. And one action that builds trust is transparency. As you can see, it is rife with pros and cons, endless amount of debate and argument can come about when you clump the two together. The only advice I could give is do what you feel is right. If you feel within reason that that transparency is needed, then voice your concerns to your boyfriend. He knows about your past and what happened. Explain to him that he is exhibiting a familiar pattern, which you've endured through, and it is suspicious to you. But I will say this. Asking for someone's passwords and access to their digital life (phone, emails, Internet) is a dangerous road to go down, because you could get obsessed with digging, especially if you find something that is innocent and innocuous, but you perceive it otherwise. Tread careful and communicate.
ThatMan Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 We cannot tell you whether or not you've doing the right thing. Trust is something that has to be earned. The doubts that you feel has a lot to do with you, your experiences, and how you feel. Your boyfriend on one hand is being non-supportive. While on the other hand, he deserves his own privacy as well. So I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of telling you what to do with our limited knowledge of your relationship. Going through a divorce may take away a sense sense of safety and security. I think that individual therapy is a good way to move on to find that balance between meeting your own needs while respecting his. Whatever the case, I hope you do the right thing for yourself.
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