wildsunandmoon Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) I'm not sure what to do. Edited January 12, 2014 by wildsunandmoon
chalanting Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 What happened? I think this is the same poster as here: I think it was all my fault and I regret everything. (very long)
Haydn Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 This is a big mess OP. Very long. I think the best thing is to stand back from it all now. Blaming yourself etc is not going to help. Just remove him from your life and begin to see yourself again. Addiction is always bad in a RS. Keep posting here. 1
Haydn Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I will add more later. need to get through it. Just had a scan.
Author wildsunandmoon Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 I will add more later. need to get through it. Just had a scan. Yes, it was definitely a sticky situation to put myself in. Since the BU I feel like I've been losing my mind. It's so hard to shrug off and forget.
Author wildsunandmoon Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 I apologize. I am new to this community, so I did not know my post would get deleted. This is basically a shorter version of what I've shared in my thread. You see, I just never feel emotionally close to him. There was always a block. No matter how much I opened myself up and practically bared by soul to him, he was always closed off. I could never reach him. There was always this tension looming over us. I never felt like he truly loved me, even if he said he did. Mostly because... I always felt like he was silently comparing me to his ex-girlfriend. He was always someplace far away when I was with him. It's like his thoughts were with her all this time. No matter how much I tried to articulate how I felt about this, he always pushed it aside or shrugged it off or pulled the "insecurity card" on me. Like I was being insecure and projecting it onto him It kills me because when this relationship started, it was beautiful. We were really open with each other and willing to let each other into the other person's lives. But that feeling only lasted three months because his ex-girlfriend decided to message him back in January and his heart must've short circuited. We broke up in January and after two days, we got back together. Why he decided to come back to me is beyond me. He could have just stopped right there and tried to win her back. After that, things were never the same between us. We lost the unconditional quality that was initially at the start of our relationship. We started to quarrel about stupid things. Some serious and valid things. We would hide away in either his room or my room, and spend days on end sitting and watching videos. He never took me on dates. He never surprised me with gifts. We didn't have sex as often as I would have liked. A woman’s intuition is never wrong. Impulsive accusations are wrong, but when a woman’s gut is rolling with discomfort, that’s her intuition at work. I always knew deep down he didn’t love me to the extent he said he did. He was all words and no actions. I could tell based on the little actions. He hardly noticed details about me. He never called me beautiful unless you had a motive. When I fell, he didn’t come running over which is a man in love’s natural inclination. When I had an allergic reaction to cats, he rolled over and went to sleep. When I cried, he would get annoyed. When I shivered in the cold, he didn’t pull in me close. These are all little details, but they all say so much about him. He were not sincere. He was always someplace else with another person in mind. In July into August, he relapsed on heroin. He got arrested twice and had to go to rehab all through the end of August into early September. I stood by his side because I didn't want to abandon him. Even when he stole money from me and lied to me twice, I accepted him and tried to be strong for the both of us. When he went away, my emotions were in turmoil. I kept questioning whether he was in love with me. I contemplated ending it. One day, when he called for his 5 minute slot with me, I asked him, "Are you in love with me? I need to know. I don't want to continue on with this relationship if you don't love me. It hurts too much. If you are in love with me, then I will keep going. But if you're not... just let me go." He sounded worried and said, "No... Please... I am in love with you. Please believe me. I've been here and delving painfully deep into my emotions and I do love you." I visited him every weekend in rehab. His father would pick me up and I would tear through the car ride up to his rehabilitation center. I sat through hours of lectures just for visitation hours to begin. After that conversation, I went to see him and he gave me a letter before I left basically saying, "After three days of rigorous thought, I am in love with you and I am right for saying what I did on the phone. I can't say I can take responsibility for what I did in the past, but I am going to take responsibility for my future and the future I hope you will inhabit with me." When he returned, we made love....or at least the closest thing to making love in our relationship. Our one year anniversary was coming up back then and I was trying to plan something with him. He didn't really have any ideas to share or actively tried to think of a plan with me. I began to grow anxious and worried because I was beginning to feel the freshness and spontaneity of the relationship die out. It was going to be a year and we still hadn't gone on dates or explored enough with each other. Then on September 25, I asked him if we could figure out a solution to that problem and he basically said that "fun is not a priority in his life right now. That he can't be a boyfriend yet. " He suggested a break. Four days after, I told him to pick up all his things at my house because I knew that the last time he asked for a break, it was actually a break up. I didn't want to be stupid again. So I initiated the official break up, despite the fact that he went around telling people he broke it off with me. He tried to speaking to me afterwards, but I basically said that it hurt too much to go on acting like friends and that I needed time to separate myself from him. BUT I started doing something very wrong. I started signing onto his facebook and reading his conversations. I know it is CRAZY GIRL behavior to do this, but I guess I was searching for answers I needed. I wanted to know if the relationship was still salvageable in his eyes. I also was searching for my breaking point. The point in which I would be shattered by reality and the impossibility of us reuniting in the future. What I found was mortifying. Quite traumatic really. I discovered things about him I knew never existed before. Literally days after our relationship, he spoke poorly about me to his friends. He also tried messaging this girls in a band that I played with while I was still in our band. He messaged his ex-girlfriend the night we broke up. He tried hooking up with an 18 year-old. He started an online dating profile. Some things that he said that stuck out to me were: "Today I was listening to Facing New York and the lyricist **** on my soul. One of the lines was, 'Dating someone you aren't attracted to is noble, right?'. I've done that before. I thought it was noble... I think." "I am losing my **** dude. I hate women. But I love them. But I REALLY hate them. I hate games, I hate insincerity, I hate living in a male-dominated world. I sound like a lesbian feminist but it’s true." "I hate my heart.I hate that when I find someone who loves it, I hate them for loving it. " "I’m broken at best. I doubt anyone wants to invest their time into fixing me.The problem is, it takes them so long to realize that I’m broken and by the time they do, I’m already in love. " "Girls like me. I just don’t like them… People tell me I’m too much of an idealist. But why the hell shouldn’t I be? I’m gonna die one day. I don’t want to spend my life alone, no. But I don’t want to spend it with someone I settled for either." His friend said, "I wish someone would like me for once who isn’t ****ing fat." My ex replied, "lololol me too man. I don’t even take care of myself, but I know I can do better than a girl I can fit inside 5 times." But what really hurt me the most when he said, "I broke up with my ex, too because I wanted to get my **** together. But then I sort of realized that I just didn’t love her the way she loved me. My problem is, I never end up getting over the girls I really did love. I get over it, but I compare other girls to ‘em." I wanted so desperately to captivate his heart again, but I could never get him back. I tried my hardest. I planned our dates, paid for a day in the botanical garden, bought us food and cigarettes, threw him his birthday party in a cabin with musical equipment, held his hair back when he vomited and then stayed up three hours to make sure he didn't puke in his sleep, took care of him when he got poison oak by buying anything at the pharmacy to soothe his discomfort, I would use every last bit of money I had to make sure the both of us could eat, I would pay for his gas, I paid for our camping weekend and so much more. There was so much I did to try and keep the relationship together. I tried to be affectionate as much as possible and suppressed my emotions so I wouldn't say anything irrational or "crazy". I'm so devastated by all of what has happened. I don't feel the same. I can't think properly. I feel like I am losing my mind.
goldfighter3 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I haven't read the long post, but I'll tell you what my councillor told me to do, and it really helped. My ex told me all the problems she'd been having with the relationship, gave me two weeks to try (and I did!), then left me. I felt so guilty about so many things. It was driving me crazy. I saw a councillor and she suggested I write a letter that specifically went over all the things I thought I'd done wrong, to let my ex know I wanted to be a better person and work on these things, but that I knew it couldn't change anything unless she wanted it to. While it turns out other things were going on that I didn't realise at the time, it really did help with the guilt. I don't think my ex ever actually read the letter, but it still helped me. 1
OhThatGirl Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 The only thing you're guilty of is an extreme case of codependency. Stop taking care of him. That's his job. That's what HE needs to do to be a better person. Guys talk to their friends in different ways than they would want you to hear. That's why you should never be part of the conversation after the fact. Know that you are BETTER than logging into his Facebook account. It's childish, disrespectful, and will only hurt you. He didn't comfort you? Keep you warm when you were cold? Comfort yourself and grab another blanket and do it yourself. You've been expecting him to take care of you when he can't take care of himself. It honestly sounds like you can't take care of yourself either. You get wrapped up in taking care of him and expect him to do the same for you. It doesn't work like that. You need to be a happy and confident person that has something to offer a relationship (other than buying things that a person should be able to afford for himself). Work on that. Move on. Work on being a more complete person. If you are unhappy, know that the relationship is over and move on. Have the confidence to know you can make yourself happy and find someone that can contribute to that happiness.
OhThatGirl Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 On more thing... You said he couldn't open up and let you in. You felt like he was still comparing you to his ex and thinking of her. Sooooo... Why didn't you end the relationship?! You're going to have to figure out why you felt you deserved a relationship where the guy wasn't able to really be "with" you. Why did YOU settle? It's important to stop looking at his thoughts and actions and instead look at your own. It's how you will grow and be prepared for the next relationship so that it can be a healthy one!
Mondmellonw Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 ....Heroin? Well, no, you can't blame yourself. I always tend to see a relationship as a two way street... It's almost never just one's fault, (cheating, addictions and manipulating are some things I am convinced you'll never be able to handle with). What he is isn't your fault. You deserve a better/healthy relationship. Keep posting on here! Blessings! 2
Author wildsunandmoon Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 The only thing you're guilty of is an extreme case of codependency. Stop taking care of him. That's his job. That's what HE needs to do to be a better person. Guys talk to their friends in different ways than they would want you to hear. That's why you should never be part of the conversation after the fact. Know that you are BETTER than logging into his Facebook account. It's childish, disrespectful, and will only hurt you. He didn't comfort you? Keep you warm when you were cold? Comfort yourself and grab another blanket and do it yourself. You've been expecting him to take care of you when he can't take care of himself. It honestly sounds like you can't take care of yourself either. You get wrapped up in taking care of him and expect him to do the same for you. It doesn't work like that. You need to be a happy and confident person that has something to offer a relationship (other than buying things that a person should be able to afford for himself). Work on that. Move on. Work on being a more complete person. If you are unhappy, know that the relationship is over and move on. Have the confidence to know you can make yourself happy and find someone that can contribute to that happiness. You're absolutely right. I need to work on my own mental health and happiness first and foremost. We weren't the most mentally stable couple. I just wish I was stronger and more confident in that relationship. I was too dependent on him. Thank you so much for your honesty.
Author wildsunandmoon Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 On more thing... You said he couldn't open up and let you in. You felt like he was still comparing you to his ex and thinking of her. Sooooo... Why didn't you end the relationship?! You're going to have to figure out why you felt you deserved a relationship where the guy wasn't able to really be "with" you. Why did YOU settle? It's important to stop looking at his thoughts and actions and instead look at your own. It's how you will grow and be prepared for the next relationship so that it can be a healthy one! You made a very good point. I need to stop thinking about him, what he's thinking, what he's feeling and start thinking about myself. I need to see myself more objectively to be better. I know ending the relationship would have been the better choice. Maybe I was too hopeful? I wanted things to work out.
OhThatGirl Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 You made a very good point. I need to stop thinking about him, what he's thinking, what he's feeling and start thinking about myself. I need to see myself more objectively to be better. I know ending the relationship would have been the better choice. Maybe I was too hopeful? I wanted things to work out. We all want things to work out. It's natural. We take it as a sign of our worth whether we were able to make it work. It's not. Sometimes relationships aren't worthwhile and they're not healthy. Our worth should be placed more on things we have control over. Sounds like you can start to see things for what they were. Good luck to you!
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