chalanting Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I'm not going to get into the whole story here, I've journaled it, talked about it with friends, with my therapist... And plus it's long, really long. 10 years long. The short version: We were mostly together for 9½ of the 10 years, the past 4 years have been a real mess. We have a 6 year old daughter together who is the most amazing person on the planet. We're married, we live a mile apart (we both got new places when we decided to split) and up until this past Thursday, we talked a LOT. She's my best friend. In June, we had the FINAL "Ok, we're totally done" moment. Well, she did, I guess I didn't accept it (even though I was the one that pushed it forward *that* time). On 1/1 I saw a note (just this little part of the story is a whole long story) that made it clear to me that she was seeing someone - somewhat seriously. I have never hurt this badly in my life. I thought I was going to die... the pain. ugh. I confronted her and I screamed, I cried (none of this in front of my daughter), I called her names, etc etc. I also felt like crap after that. I bought "Getting Past Your Breakup" (which advocates STRONGLY for NC) Wednesday night. Had therapy Thursday (and my therapist agreed that NC is totally a thing ). My half of custody starts Thursday night. While my daughter was in the bath, the ex started txt'ing like she normally does (she'd backed off a bit after my outburst), asking how D. was, and making small talk (mostly about D.), I was giving very short factual responses (not my usual style). She asked "Ok do u want me to stop talking to u?", "Or keep it to a minimum?". I deflected a bit, and did have an issue to talk to her about for another mess age or two. About an hour later, after a lot of soul searching and beating myself up, I sent her this: "You asked if I wanted you to stop talking to me or keep it to a minimum. Yes, I'd like to keep things to a minimum, just what we need to make things work with Danika. I'm not doing this because I'm angry or even afraid I'll lash out at you, I'm doing it because if I don't, I will never move on." I'm proud of myself for that, and I'm proud of myself for the boundaries I've been working on since then. I'm keeping all of our communications businesslike and brief. I'm also working through the book, and have been doing the (very painful) "Relationship Inventory". Today, as I was dropping D off (now it's back to the ex's for custody until Thurs.), I went inside. Now this is going beyond a boundary I set with myself. I did it for my daughter, she wanted to watch a movie on the computer and the ex wouldn't be able to get it to work (I see now that I should have been firm and just not gone in). The ex knows how sensitive I am, and how I read into EVERYTHING. Before I opened the computer I asked her if it was alright (this is a lot more meaningful than it sounds, when I opened it a few months ago (it was a shared computer for a long time) I saw her with a dating site open and it ripped my heart apart), she said it was, and turned it towards me. I opened it up and the only thing on the screen is the booking details for a hotel / trip. I've been in a funk since then. Gonna finish this up, this is way way longer than I intended. I know that it doesn't matter where she goes or with whom. I know she "moved on" back in June (when I did confront her on 1/2, she finally admitted she's been seeing people and having casual sex since June and is possibly getting serious with one of them). I know I have a lot more work to do to get through this, and I'm doing it. I know it's going to get better. I know (and sometimes actually believe) that this is going to be the best thing that's ever happened - not just for me, but for my daughter too (it's going to be hard, but it will be). I know I need to acknowledge my feelings, accept them and move forward. I know all these things, but I still feel like warm poop.
UltraTech Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) I read your post. Keep up the no-contact okay, that's a must, do what you need to do for your daughter and nothing more. Do you go to a gym? If not..........Can you go a gym?................Go to the gym. No clicking her facebook page, no enquires to see what she is up to, yes, she is having sex with other men, you don't need to know anymore than that. Your feelings seem to me to be 100% normal, nobody wants to see their ex with someone else or think about them being with someone else under those circumstances. My suggestion to you, is to begin to focus less on what she is doing with who and more on what you are going to do. Oh, and don't worry about her, I'm not convinced she's moved forward....moved on.......yes.........with other men (the "causal dating" bit) but not moved forward. I am going to be honest, I didn't like the bit about the computer either, makes me wonder if you were meant to see that, but don't get caught up in it. Forget what she is doing. What are you going to do? Are you going to move forward, or are you going to hang on? You wanna shag a bunch of other people like she is doing?.....Or you wanna spend time with yourself and understand the mistakes you both made? Will it be okay for you?.......Honestly.........can't say. However, If I had to bet........I would say yes. Edited January 12, 2014 by UltraTech
Author chalanting Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 I read your post. Thank you. I, more than anything, just needed to be heard Do you go to a gym? If not..........Can you go a gym?................Go to the gym. I don't. I might be able to? I also do have my rollerblades in the car (yes I'm that old.) No clicking her facebook page, no enquires to see what she is up to, yes, she is having sex with other men, you don't need to know anymore than that. I un-friended and unfollowed her after I saw the note. She probably was sleeping with other men during our relationship. I can't change the past and I don't want to fix her -- anymore. I don't want to "fix" anyone but me anymore (was that convincing? fake-it-till-you-make-it) Your feelings seem to me to be 100% normal, nobody wants to see their ex with someone else or think about them being with someone else under those circumstances. THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you. My suggestion to you, is to begin to focus less on what she is doing with who and more on what you are going to do. Thanks. That's what I want to do, that's what I've been trying to do. It's a process, but I don't want to focus on her. Oh, and don't worry about her, I'm not convinced she's moved forward....moved on.......yes.........with other men (the "causal dating" bit) but not moved forward. She said as much to me (and didn't need to - I know her pattern with men before me (and possibly during her time with me). I expected this (or not. I mean there's a LOT of codependency here that I'm working through and I really thought she got "better" while we were together -- PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE. This is my new mantra) Are you going to move forward, or are you going to hang on? Still to be seen. On the one hand, it's been 4 years that I should have been healing and seeing this coming. On the other, it's been 11 days and still stings like hell. Strike that. I am *GOING* to move forward. I'm tryin' I'm tryin'. You wanna shag a bunch of other people like she is doing? I thought I wanted to. I have a lot of self-esteem issues around sex and attractiveness (and have been told by trusted people that they're unfounded). I went on Tinder and OKCupid for two days after this all happened, started a few conversations and then felt terrible. I'm not ready. It's hard for me to come to grips with that, but I want to get better. I want to do the work. Or you wanna spend time with yourself and understand the mistakes you both made? Well, I am spending time with myself and I'm seeing many mistakes I made. I'm seeing how we both were toxic to each other and never really had much of a romantic relationship (but we were great friends and really good coparents). But I'm trying not to dwell on the mistakes she made. I am trying to see them more clearly so I can find the patterns and people I've attracted in the past (and there are a bunch. I really like those broken birds). Will it be okay for you?.......Honestly.........can't say. However, If I had to bet........I would say yes. Thank you again. This is exactly what I needed.
UltraTech Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Thank you. I, more than anything, just needed to be heard I don't. I might be able to? I also do have my rollerblades in the car (yes I'm that old.) I un-friended and unfollowed her after I saw the note. She probably was sleeping with other men during our relationship. I can't change the past and I don't want to fix her -- anymore. I don't want to "fix" anyone but me anymore (was that convincing? fake-it-till-you-make-it) THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks. That's what I want to do, that's what I've been trying to do. It's a process, but I don't want to focus on her. She said as much to me (and didn't need to - I know her pattern with men before me (and possibly during her time with me). I expected this (or not. I mean there's a LOT of codependency here that I'm working through and I really thought she got "better" while we were together -- PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE. This is my new mantra) Still to be seen. On the one hand, it's been 4 years that I should have been healing and seeing this coming. On the other, it's been 11 days and still stings like hell. Strike that. I am *GOING* to move forward. I'm tryin' I'm tryin'. I thought I wanted to. I have a lot of self-esteem issues around sex and attractiveness (and have been told by trusted people that they're unfounded). I went on Tinder and OKCupid for two days after this all happened, started a few conversations and then felt terrible. I'm not ready. It's hard for me to come to grips with that, but I want to get better. I want to do the work. Well, I am spending time with myself and I'm seeing many mistakes I made. I'm seeing how we both were toxic to each other and never really had much of a romantic relationship (but we were great friends and really good coparents). But I'm trying not to dwell on the mistakes she made. I am trying to see them more clearly so I can find the patterns and people I've attracted in the past (and there are a bunch. I really like those broken birds). Thank you again. This is exactly what I needed. Good. Get outside. Jog, Run, Swimming is great if you like that, find a class. Trust me, just do it. I was with my GF 4 years, she ran off with someone else a year and a half ago, Infact, she emailed me last month to say she's leaving the country can i come to hers and get my CD's or she will send them to me blah blah ...(probably with him).... you know what i told her?....."Have a good journey".....she didnt like that. I struggle everyday with the betrayal, and will for sometime, i'm still emotionally scarred from it......but you know what? In the last year and a half, i went to the gym, put on a bit of muscle (not alot, but ive always been athletic)....then i started getting into a routine doing the things i wanted to....now i go to boxing classes at least twice a week, i met a new girl.....what's she doing? About to leave her home and job to fly away with the other man, then coming up with bull**** excuses to email me because she cannot believe she can't play me like a puppet no more. It's about power, you need to get yours back my friend. Oh and DO NOT TOUCH online dating......biggest pile of ****e going....all you will meet is other wounded women....unless you get lucky....forget all that for a bit. You need to start a routine yes, art class, fart class, whatever class, get out of the house, improve your body, stop eating **** food if you do, take your daughter anywhere she wants, come back and re-read what you wrote in a year or so. Sorry for rambling on a bit.....but hey ho.
Author chalanting Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Good. Get outside. Ok. I'm gonna do that. I want to read a few more posts (this forum is AMAZING, just found it, so happy I did!), then I have errands to run which will get me out of the house and DOING STUFF. Jog, Run, Swimming is great if you like that, find a class. Trust me, just do it. :siren:Excuse Alert, Excuse Alert:siren: I don't have TIME for any of that. My commute to work is 2 hours each way, I have a pretty mentally demanding job (that I'm very proud of) and then I have my daughter for the 2nd half of the week. One of the emotions I'm working through is anger at the ex for this custody arrangement. She gets Friday and Saturday night to go out, meet people, go to classes, whatever she wants. I have Sunday afternoon and then the small sliver of time between my commute and going to bed before starting the cycle again. But, who's problem is this? MINE, not hers. If I suggested an alternative arrangement, I know she'd go for it. I struggle everyday with the betrayal, and will for sometime, i'm still emotionally scarred from it...... This is one of my biggest worries. I *think* I've been betrayed in the past but I don't know - and I probably never will. One of the things I'm working on in therapy is how amazingly wonderful I am at giving comfort, being a father figure, setting myself up for failure. It's happened again and again. So not only do they REALLY not want to disappoint me by telling me they've cheated... But I'm not attractive to them, because who wants to sleep with their dad?? ....then i started getting into a routine doing the things i wanted to.... ... You need to start a routine yes, art class, fart class, whatever class, get out of the house, improve your body, stop eating **** food if you do... Not to derail things too much here, but there are two big issues here for me. 1) I don't know what I want to do. 2) Whenever I do figure out what it is I want, I hyperfocus (I have AD/HD), immerse myself, shut other things (and people) out and get really really good at whatever it is. Great for my professional life... kind of awful for my personal one. you know what i told her?....."Have a good journey" Awesome! Sorry for rambling on a bit.....but hey ho. Hahahaha. Did you see my message at the beginning? This is me going short-form Please, do ramble!
goldfighter3 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I can't imagine what its like to end a relationship after that long. But believe me, you don't want to know if she really did betray you during the relationship. I know mine did (not sexually, but emotionally and physically with a guy I trusted her to remain professional with), and it just tore me apart. So just put it out of your mind if you can. Look for breathing exercises, I've been trying some and I think they've been helping. Some suggestions for other things to do: Rock climbing Dancing (ceroc, tango, etc) swimming Sport (rugby, soccer, martial arts?) Catch up with friends Go to the beach scuba diving! Or go to the website meetup.com - its a whole bunch of people organising activities for strangers to meet each other and make new friends (NOT a dating website). I've started using it, great for meeting new people and starting new activities. I'm just throwing myself into everything I can. That is, when I can get off the couch.
Author chalanting Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Thank you goldfighter3! It means a lot.
goldfighter3 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Thank you goldfighter3! It means a lot. I don't know how, but its going to be ok for all of us one day
pteromom Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I can't imagine how scarred you are living with someone like that for so long. You have to realize that a lot of what you currently believe about your relationship and love in general has been tainted, and you aren't seeing everything clearly. It takes a while to re-normalize and find yourself again. And add in that you still have feelings for her... it's gonna take a while. You say you don't have time for exercise, but you can make time if it is important to you. It would make you feel great about yourself and would give you an outlet for your frustration. But if you truly don't want to exercise, find something to be passionate about. Something that brings you fulfillment. And don't try dating yet. If you have an opportunity for something casual, fine, but you aren't ready to be in a relationship yet. Sounds like you are a great dad though. I would change that custody schedule now before your ex gets used to it. You deserve weekend nights too. Take care.
Author chalanting Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Thank you, oscarsmom. I've been journaling sporadically for years and years but during this past 13 days, I've been writing non-stop it feels like. I also have an emergency session with my therapist tonight. It's been a rough day but just knowing that I have an appointment to see her has helped me. 1
Author chalanting Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Thank you I can't imagine how scarred you are living with someone like that for so long. You have to realize that a lot of what you currently believe about your relationship and love in general has been tainted, and you aren't seeing everything clearly. Given my historical romantic relationships, I'm not sure I've ever been non-tainted. I'll get there though You say you don't have time for exercise, but you can make time if it is important to you. It would make you feel great about yourself and would give you an outlet for your frustration. You're right. 100%. I could make time. I really don't like gyms or really most conventional things . But figuring out what kind of program I wanted to do, or what activity, that will be something to throw myself into unto itself. Thank you. Sounds like you are a great dad though. I would change that custody schedule now before your ex gets used to it. You deserve weekend nights too. Thank you. I really do want to be a great dad, it's very important to me . Honestly... I just tried typing something about figuring out a new schedule but it's overwhelming even to think about. I'll bring it up in therapy.
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