Jason76 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I was divorced early in 2012 at the age of 36, we had been together for about 15 years, and neither of us were happy, the decision was brought up, talked about and agreed on. As far as some of the divorce stories I have heard go, this one wasn't too bad. Fast forward several months and I started online dating. I was unsure about it, but did rather well, knew what I was looking for and was pretty good about sizing up my dates. Then I met her. We had a fantastic first date, then second, then third. On our fourth date, I was actually out of town and she was leaving the next day to go on vacation with friends, I drove 12 hours to spend just a few hours with her. At this point we were just dating. No commitment. Weeks go by and all is going well, we decide that we both want to stop our dating profiles and just concentrate on each other. Valentines day, my Birthday, a weekend away together, and she even took me to the town her family is from to meet everyone. Something she only did with her Ex-Husband. A few weeks after that, we were supposed to meet up after she attended an event, but she tried to cancel. I talked with her and after several texts we decided that I would come spend the night with her, something I had been doing for months. Everything about that night seemed odd, and at 3am I got up to get a drink and her phone went off, it was in the living room and so I went and grabbed it to put it on her night stand and saw it was a message from "Match Guy". I was kind of in shock and just her phone where it lay. Two days later, between feeling I was being brushed off that night we were supposed to meet up and the text from "Match Guy" showing up, I called her to confront her, and she told me it was some dude who she met a long time ago and gave her number too, it was nothing. I wasn't sure what she was lying about, but felt in my gut she was. Then I did something really stupid, I looked at her phone. The "Match guy" was really nothing, but it turns out she met a guy the night she went out, and really liked him. She told some of her friends that this guy was a much better guy for her, and she was going to send him a note and if he responds, see where it goes, and if not stick with me. I didn't do anything about this but look at her phone again, and again. On a business trip where I thought she might might be going to see this guy, and she told me she was "introducing two people for business", I found some very bad texts, saying that she wanted to kiss him and such. This was NOT the guy that she sent the note to. I had a heart to heart talk with her about how I feel about her, and she confronted me on looking at her phone, she stated that she was really angry with me, and that maybe we should break up. We worked though it, and I found out the the vacation she went on, where I drove 12 hours was to go with this guy she just visited on business, she didn't want to go, but we were not that serious and she wanted to see if there was anything there with this guy. That I totally understood. A few month later, I asked her to marry me. Last September, she had a project that she really needed help on and told me she was going to hire this guy that she texted with, and went on vacation with, I wasn't happy about and she knew that, but I let it go, I trusted her. She then tells me that he invited us to a party and wondered if I would want to go, and I said no, I want this work completed and this guy out of our lives, I felt he was basically the other man, and even by her own standards she really didn't like him on a personal level. We settled on not going and I felt it was said and done this guy was gone. I moved in with her in November. In December, when we were in Pre-Martial therapy, this came up again, and basically said that she would always have him around, and if I didn't like that I could leave. So I started packing my bags, she stopped me and said that if that's what it takes to keep me, she will get rid of him. She had an issue with boundaries, which she felt was me controlling her. In therapy we talked and she didn't like that I didn't find it ok that she wanted to go on a motorcycle ride with some guy, a guy she didn't want me to meet, and didn't want us and this guy and his wife to go out to dinner, never wanted to meet his wife. She felt it was perfectly ok to invite a man over to our place for drinks if I was out of town. She would always say that "trust is trust". On Tuesday, when I was helping her fix her computer, when it rebooted, her mail program opened and I saw that she was emailing the guy that she said that she couldn't attend his next party, but keep inviting her she would make it sometime (the guy that almost broke us up twice, and that she promised she wouldn't talk to anymore). Yesterday, I had a long talk with her about some of her behavior (never mentioning this guy) and told her I was unhappy with how things are going and that I was moving out/Breaking up. Her last marriage ended when she had an affair, she had an affair with an old boyfriend that she never broke off contact with, even though she hid it from her husband. I just saw the same pattern repeating itself and with as many lies as she told me, felt it was the best to not even bothering confronting her again, just didn't want to go through hearing her lie again. As I moved out, as I took clothes off the shelf, she put hers on there. She gave me back the anniversary gifts I gave her, some of the christmas gifts I gave her. She asked to look through this bag of stuff I had a saved, little things from our dates, kind of like a scrapbook, but it was all in a bag. She told me that should I change my mind in the next few weeks, we can talk, after that she is moving on. Before I got back to my house (it's on the market but hasn't sold) she texted me that she wanted an option to buy the engagement ring off of me. I just responded that I can't think about that right now. Does anyone see a point to confront a liar when you just know they are going to lie again? And should I let her buy the ring off of me? (I was the only person who buy her a engagement ring and ask her, her Ex-Husband just agreed to marry her and she bought her own ring.
deathandtaxes Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Why are you so quick to get married again? And why this lady? She's not trustworthy. She's not faithful. The first sign that she was contemplating being with another guy, those texts you found, etc, why did you stick around?
Chi townD Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Sorry dude, but she was keeping her options open while she was dating you. That's totally not fair to you. You deserve a girl that wants to be with you because there's no other place in the world she would rather be. Not someone that's looking out for the next best thing. Dude, once a cheater always a cheater. Especially when there are consequences to her actions. Can't believe she told you that she would give you a couple of weeks to change your mind; if not, then she's moving on? Dude, the day you left she was probably already making plans with this new dude. Dodged a bullet my friend. Better you find out now than when you're 5 years married and with a kid. Time to heal and move on. 1
chalanting Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Sorry, this sucks . I'm hearing some things in your story that remind me of mine and feel a little less crazy now, thank you. Does anyone see a point to confront a liar when you just know they are going to lie again? I wish I knew. I always have, and it's always been a mistake (except for this last time, but that was what finally got me to wake up and accept it was over). And should I let her buy the ring off of me? Up to you, but I don't see how any good can be there? Is it to remember you? Is it to try to get you back (by showing you how much you miss the ring / her)? Is she selling it to international smugglers at a much higher price than she'd buy it off you? Good luck, stay strong.
Author Jason76 Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Why are you so quick to get married again? And why this lady? She's not trustworthy. She's not faithful. The first sign that she was contemplating being with another guy, those texts you found, etc, why did you stick around? I wasn't so quick. Before I even got divorced I sought out counseling spent a lot of time preparing for the divorce and getting over it. I also worked very hard on what I needed in a relationship and what I wanted in relationship. I kind of built a "needs/want" list of what would be a good partner for me and until I found out about those texts, she was basically the perfect girl. In just about all the things I need/wanted she not only covered them, she exceeded them. I knew her history, I knew she dated a few guys that were not that serious about finding a good partner, and she was worried that I was the same. That is something I can understand. No one wants to be hurt. We were both at a same stage when we met, we both knew what we were looking for, and were both getting tired of disappointment. Then we met, felt like kismet. When we talked after the texts and me looking at her phone, we really worked hard on our relationship, I didn't feel at the time it was worth tossing it away, but that I could give it a second chance. Sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants. I thought that she was more serious about keeping the relationship strong, didn't realize she was now going to focus on keeping things more secret. Basically, trust is a bitch, to get it you have to trust fully, and if you don't get it, you get pinched.
lollipopspot Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) And should I let her buy the ring off of me? Rings have low resale. Unless it's a family heirloom or you can resell it for substantially more elsewhere, sure. What else are you going to do with it? Edited January 12, 2014 by lollipopspot 1
Author Jason76 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Rings have low resale. Unless it's a family heirloom or you can resell it for substantially more elsewhere, sure. What else are you going to do with it? Probably put it in a box with the rest of the stuff I bought her and she gave back to me. Maybe in six months I won't want and could use the money. She has been contacting and did ask to borrow the ring, she said over the weekend someone she worked with ran into her and asked about her ring, and she broke down. She said she can't handle all the questions right now and would like to keep it for a bit more. I gave it to her today, after sending her an email telling her it's just a loan and that I have not decided what I want to do with it, but she has it until the end of Jan, and dropped it off with her on the way to work. I am thinking that at the end of January I will ask her if she still wants it, and if so tell her the price I will sell it for, or I will simply ask for it back. In other news, I wrote the first draft of a letter telling her I know all/most of the things that she lied to me about. That I needed to say this to her, if I didn't I would have a regret about ending this relationship, I don't blame her or judge her for it, but I knew, always did, and just wished she wouldn't lie to me.
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