I am new to this....AND you should know.

[nowaygoingthereagain]

Coming in Hot. I'm not quite following you, but that's ok.

 

But I think I catch your drift. I'm not trying to be a hot shot or am I agreeing this all great attention to have - ok.

 

I kinda know why I drifted. I don't psychological terms for it ok. But I enjoy the attention I get from women I feel attracted to. I recognize there is something wrong with that when I don't know how to set up boundaries. Gosh person, give one time to work on it. And for what it's worth, it's only been a couple of weeks since I communicated with the fAP so I am only right now trying to get over that.

 

For those interested drama types, yes the fAP tried to communicate to me yesterday via a group txt and through a friend who was aware of her and her H's problems and was there the night we took our relationship to a new level. For those into really high drama, all I did was delete the text.

 

As for opening up to my W about the extent of our A, I can understand why. I re-bonded with my W this weekend. I realize that if she ever found out what happen, how devastating that would be.

 

It pains me to know how I betrayed my 'best friend' and I suffered a huge lapse in integrity...I can understand why BetrayedH is thinking of her best interest. One step at a time.

[nowaygoingthereagain]

I know what I did was and is wrong. The men in my family have had a history of infidelity and mistresses. Because of background issues, I didn't have the maturity to set up and respect boundaries. I saw a woman struggling in a marriage and looking for attention. She too had her own history with infidelity. She was willing to give attention back. We both went for it. We both knew the physical aspects were wrong, but I wanted more because I was power hungry. She wanted the emotional aspects even up till recently. I got caught up in the emotional aspect thinking it would lead to more sex. It did not, and now I realized it was all wrong, sex or no sex. betrayal of vows is cowardice. I still have a lot of issues to sort through and I hope to be strong enough for my W so I can win her respect even if some day I decide to drop the bomb on her.

[Spark1111]

I know what I did was and is wrong. The men in my family have had a history of infidelity and mistresses. Because of background issues, I didn't have the maturity to set up and respect boundaries. I saw a woman struggling in a marriage and looking for attention. She too had her own history with infidelity. She was willing to give attention back. We both went for it. We both knew the physical aspects were wrong, but I wanted more because I was power hungry. She wanted the emotional aspects even up till recently. I got caught up in the emotional aspect thinking it would lead to more sex. It did not, and now I realized it was all wrong, sex or no sex. betrayal of vows is cowardice. I still have a lot of issues to sort through and I hope to be strong enough for my W so I can win her respect even if some day I decide to drop the bomb on her.

 

There's some really good insight here NGTA, and I for one, am proud of you.

 

Here's a question: Why is the attention and fantasy respect from a stranger of more import than that of a devoted spouse who has sacrificed for you and your children?

[nowaygoingthereagain]

Spark - in time I will answer your question when I have a better idea.

 

It is tough to maintain mental NC. NC has been maintained though since I first posted now a month ago. I did see her at one of my roaming grounds recently and no more than 10 words were exchanged. She does keep contact with friends closer to me than her and a txt did float by indirectly recently with a question and I just ignored it.

 

It was not meant to be. And I have recommitted my relationship with my W. There are more smiles these days on the faces of our children. It's like the book says, as bad as I thought I may have wanted to be with the AP even at the height of the A, I don't think I could have ever lived with it.

 

Why did I go in that direction? I don't know what to tell you yet.

[nowaygoingthereagain]

Spark - 2+ months of NC and I'll try to answer your question.

 

First, if you have seen my other threads, mental NC has been down right difficult. In my world there are occasional glimpses of her everywhere and I can't and won't shut them down totally. However, several things have started to happen. I have started to accept her being with her H (a kind of acceptance per se), I could never imagine us reconnecting, and when I see her on Social Media or in mind, I don't seem to see her with glossy eyed goggles anymore like I had. And, I can see that most of my motivations early on and even now seem to be sexual in nature.

 

So, the tide has turned where I am now refocused in my own M with my own W. I have started to read about marriages and other's experiences and 'keys to a successful marriage.' Of course, I am selfish. Someone made the comment to me if I should even be married - to anyone?. I wonder as well. My M seems to be like anything else. When you don't have it, you crave it. When you do have it, you expect way too much out of it. Plus I always seem to have options and alternatives. I seem to position myself like that in many aspects of my life.

 

But it is not all me, my W has issues related to me that are inherent in herself. It does take two to tango, no matter if it is her, my fAP, or anyone else in my everyday life. We just need to continue to work on it and put ourselves in an environment where we can do that.

 

It's interesting, someone close to me was riding a high in his life up until this past week. He slipped up once and reality dawned in. Yesterday and today he is hurting. He has had a history of having to bounce back. You wonder how many chances one really has before they self-destruct. Why do they allow for such drama in their lives over the chance to get lucky for a night? Reality almost crashed in my life. I am fortunate to move on from this experience with my W and I never talking about my fAP anymore. Yes there was once frequent conversation about her and now there is no more.

 

So to answer your question, was she more important than my W to me? Just in a dream, but in reality no way. I can't even answer your question. She was not even that important at all.

 

I do have a history of serial cheating. I do have options and I am sure if I connected with someone in the future, I may feel that spark (so to speak). But gosh the pain of growing from this one, the pain of feeling so used, the constant reminder of the inner turmoil, the research I have done, the questions I have asked, the constant reminder of how this has impacted the lives of my W and my kids especially (even though we came away pretty easy) - it just is not worth it.

 

But the biggest reminder is I just have not seen myself become so much stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally than I have in the past 2-6 months. I was starting to move on before the A ended, and with NC, I grew exponentially. I have experienced a bit in my life, and I can say because of the emotional turmoil of this experience, I feel stronger than ever.

 

Will my W and I survive. We'll see. I do not have a crystal ball, but I will no longer relinquish the inner power and strength that once had given up so easily - to anyone.

[Oberfeldwebel]

You have made progress, but your marriage will never be complete, until you tell the truth. I don't know if you are religious, but the information is good either way. The gospel of John says: "you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."

 

The same thing is true in your marriage. Your marriage will always have this cloud over it, because of the affair. Your wife will always be a second class citizen in the relationship, because she does not know the truth. You will always be a prisoner, because you are afraid on the consequences of the revelation of the truth. Hiding the affair allows it to continue in the dark recesses of your mind. Could you have another affair? Yes, because you never completed the healing cycle by coming clean with the affair.

 

I know you think some of us have been tough on you, and to a certain point, you are correct. However, I will tell you that for the most part it is done to get you to see that as long as the truth is hidden the affair is alive. It may be dormant, but it is still alive. You had stated that this is your life and your decision to make, that is very true. The question is do you remain a prisoner of the affair or do you set your self free?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

But the biggest reminder is I just have not seen myself become so much stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally than I have in the past 2-6 months. I was starting to move on before the A ended, and with NC, I grew exponentially. I have experienced a bit in my life, and I can say because of the emotional turmoil of this experience, I feel stronger than ever.

 

Will my W and I survive. We'll see. I do not have a crystal ball, but I will no longer relinquish the inner power and strength that once had given up so easily - to anyone.

 

What will happen if/when your wife finds out about the PA? All the progress that you two have made during this "false" reconciliation will be wiped away. Any trust that is gained will become distrust exponentially.

 

You're rebuilding your marriage, but you're rebuilding it on sand. You said it yourself: you can riding a high, and then one slip up drops the boom! With lies, the "boom" will still be out there.

 

In the end, it's all about you. Your self-preservation. When will it be about your wife, and not you?

[nowaygoingthereagain]

Both very good points. The truth will set you free. And yes as long I am the only one aware, this is about me.

 

I know, I fear that my W will never find true love without knowing the truth. Myself too. That is not just or fair to either one of us. Maybe in time folks...maybe in time.

[Furious]

Both very good points. The truth will set you free. And yes as long I am the only one aware, this is about me.

 

I know, I fear that my W will never find true love without knowing the truth. Myself too. That is not just or fair to either one of us. Maybe in time folks...maybe in time.

 

 

Maybe you need to take a break....some time for yourself..to mull over what true love means.

 

I have a friend who took a long train ride across the country.....perhaps that's something you could do too.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Both very good points. The truth will set you free. And yes as long I am the only one aware, this is about me.

 

I know, I fear that my W will never find true love without knowing the truth. Myself too. That is not just or fair to either one of us. Maybe in time folks...maybe in time.

 

I know that it is difficult and you are the one that has to live with the consequences. However, I have found that bad news never gets better with age. Best wishes for your family.

[Artie Lang]

big time Red Flags. what do you mean you have options? if you're ALL IN when it comes to your marriage, that should be your only option. so, if you "connected with someone in the future"- what does that mean?

 

 

sorry, but i don't see the progress that others do- you haven't told your wife the whole truth yet; you haven't gone full NC; you're still hung-up on your AP(romanticizing). with the little you have done, you've convinced yourself that all is good.

 

 

i feel that your only regret is that it(affair) ended- the way it ended -and now you're settling... you're settling until something/someone new comes along. you said it yourself with that whole "i do have options... if i connected with someone in the future, I may feel a spark."

 

 

have you even admitted to your wife of your serial cheating... i'm willing to bet you haven't.

Edited March 16, 2014 by Artie Lang

[BetrayedH]

It really seems that what he regrets is that HE got hurt. The rest is just blather, blather, blather ... I'm not going to tell my wife.

[Spark1111]

I want to say this in the gentlest way....because I do think you are TRYING to get to some truths here....but sparks start with intimacy, REAL intimacy....and intimacy starts with TRUTH.

 

Intimacy is SO EASY in the beginnings of attraction, dating, an affair....We start to share all...My mom, my dad, when I was five, 17, 23....and our "new" partner hangs onto our every word mesmerized by our reveal. The ensuing sex is off the charts because we feel so understood, safe, cherished.

 

When was the last time you gave that to your wife? Spent hours talking and hanging onto her every word? Hearing her heart, her dreams, her goals? making her feel cherished, sexy, loved and safe?

 

Do you observe the way other men, men who find her "new" observe and engage with her? Are you even aware how she is perceived, followed, found sexy by other men? You should.....

 

Complacency KILLs more relationships than anything else, IMHO. what are you doing to keep it fresh, sexy, new and exciting?

 

Remember: Sparks flying with "new" is easy. happens everyday. Keeping sparks flying with the familiar is hard and takes effort, creativity, and ingenuity.

 

WHAT are you doing in this regard? You seem smart enough, so where's your effort man?

 

We learned in MC, it isn't what you GET that determines a marriage's success. It's what you give, and give, and give some more.

 

WHAT are you giving man?

[cocahouts]

We learned in MC, it isn't what you GET that determines a marriage's success. It's what you give, and give, and give some more.

 

WHAT are you giving man?

 

I'm living through both edges of this sword, cheated on and cheated myself because of the "Complacency"

 

I felt and feel that I am giving and giving....why am I the only one giving????

 

My MC and IC is showing me that there are 5 languages of Love/Life and they all conflict with each other. This is were most of the "Complacency" comes from.

 

It's next to impossible to put yourself in someone else's shoes and see it from their point of view.

 

I give and give and give......I'm telling myself not to be bitter about it and now am noticing what is being given back. There's nothing easy about marriage, maybe they should tighten up the licencing portion.....take like a road test or something LOL.

[maskedpianoplayer]

Ummm, Is this the same Artie Lang that does stand up and been on MadTV?

[maskedpianoplayer]

big time Red Flags. what do you mean you have options? if you're ALL IN when it comes to your marriage, that should be your only option. so, if you "connected with someone in the future"- what does that mean?

 

 

sorry, but i don't see the progress that others do- you haven't told your wife the whole truth yet; you haven't gone full NC; you're still hung-up on your AP(romanticizing). with the little you have done, you've convinced yourself that all is good.

 

 

i feel that your only regret is that it(affair) ended- the way it ended -and now you're settling... you're settling until something/someone new comes along. you said it yourself with that whole "i do have options... if i connected with someone in the future, I may feel a spark."

 

 

have you even admitted to your wife of your serial cheating... i'm willing to bet you haven't.

 

Is this the same Artie Lang from Mad TV?

[nowaygoingthereagain]

I want to say this in the gentlest way....because I do think you are TRYING to get to some truths here....but sparks start with intimacy, REAL intimacy....and intimacy starts with TRUTH.

 

Intimacy is SO EASY in the beginnings of attraction, dating, an affair....We start to share all...My mom, my dad, when I was five, 17, 23....and our "new" partner hangs onto our every word mesmerized by our reveal. The ensuing sex is off the charts because we feel so understood, safe, cherished.

 

When was the last time you gave that to your wife? Spent hours talking and hanging onto her every word? Hearing her heart, her dreams, her goals? making her feel cherished, sexy, loved and safe?

 

Do you observe the way other men, men who find her "new" observe and engage with her? Are you even aware how she is perceived, followed, found sexy by other men? You should.....

 

Complacency KILLs more relationships than anything else, IMHO. what are you doing to keep it fresh, sexy, new and exciting?

 

Remember: Sparks flying with "new" is easy. happens everyday. Keeping sparks flying with the familiar is hard and takes effort, creativity, and ingenuity.

 

WHAT are you doing in this regard? You seem smart enough, so where's your effort man?

 

We learned in MC, it isn't what you GET that determines a marriage's success. It's what you give, and give, and give some more.

 

WHAT are you giving man?

 

 

I have given my world. And tonight was the last time I did that. But I want to give credit to the righteous worlds of Betrayed and Artie, because they are right, they really are...the truth will set you free.

 

You have made your points clear. Now I will never post again...the matter is now between my wife and I.

 

Love you all!

[BetrayedH]

It was all said with the best of intentions, my friend. Best of luck to you.

[nowaygoingthereagain]

No I have not told my W about the PA component with the fAP. Hard to believe that all happen over a year now. Very hard to still let go, but better. I don't really talk about what happen with anyone anymore, except my W. We sometimes talk about the events of the past year and truly she is helping me with my healing.

 

I'll also add I have seen my fAP around and I have been pleasant, just saying Hi and leaving it at that. No special looks or anything.

 

She has also seem to found attention from multiple guys, but there is one who seems to be a dead ringer for what she is looking for. He is new to the field, but has taken a strong interest and what we do. He also has some of the charactersitics, I know she attracted to. He is also a single guys, and I swear through all of this, she is still looking for an exit strategy from her marriage. At first, I kind of blew him off, but he hooked up with me on FB (which I don't frequent as much as before) and since than I have been nice to him even exchanging conversation. I don't want to make any judgements and I want peace.

 

I kind of had a gut feel something was going on there since her and I were dying down late last year and early this year. People told me she was probably looking for her next conquest and no doubt she was. He was showing up at events she was at and even coordinating.

 

...But it's a drug and I am not fully over it, and our paths unfortunately will cross as there are a couple of work-related things that will cause our paths to intersect this summer. I can't wait till they are over.

 

Also, we are part of a pretty small-knit work area and even though we don't see each other all the time. Group notes get sent out and I get glimpses of whats going on with her. I feel like those who have an inclination of what went on between us are taunting me.

 

Believe me, I have gotten better, even though the thoughts are in my head, I have found more peace, and in many aspects, I have moved on. I knew this was going to happen where she would find attention elsewhere and especially from someone in particular. I know I have violated some pretty important tenets of really breaking away from this:

 

1. Like I haven't totally broken off all exposure with her (believe me I wish I could), but I accepted this work function and I'm stubborn.

 

2. I have not told my W everything and I still struggle with this.

 

But I need your help...

 

Please kick me in the butt, tell me something, it doesn't have to by sympathy but put it on me or my fAP to get over this mental obstacle.

 

Funny, I saw her last week at a work event. Her and her new guy were there (not together) but she spent the whole first 30 min next to me trying to see what I would I say. I blew her off, but she knows I am the jealous type and today I saw a pic of her and her new source of attention doing the things we used to do at work and it is eating away at me.

 

Please HELP!

[2sunny]

again all good stuff and validates my intuition and research.

 

Let me ask the group, is there any justification for being friends after a PA or EA? This is not the OW's first PA or EA. Yrs ago she had a PA after she first married, 'friends with benefits' that became emotional hence it quit and I think prior to me she had an EA which her husband found out about. Her mother comes from a history of infidelity and eventually divorced after 25+ yrs of marriage and 3 grown children.

 

She always said to me she could handle being friends after our PA. I held on thinking I could handle it too. My gut told me its impossible and it was for me.

 

Openly, It always hurt thinking she could sweep such feelings under the rug, but at the same time it was always her who would initiate contact with me, even though I would NC for days and sometime a week or two at a time.

 

Wow I am a fool.

 

Have you EVER posted here under any other names?

 

Your fluffy writing style and the way you ask questions instead of answering seems VERY familiar of a guy who was in a boat and on a train last year.

[nowaygoingthereagain]

No not the same person.

[2sunny]

Tell your wife your truth - that you had sex with the OW.