Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 I'm with BH on this one. "what they don't know can't hurt them, so while we are keeping them in the dark, let's hurt them some more!" Also, all of you hanging friendly together smacks of real adolescent rebellion, as in sneaking behind mommy and daddy's back with them none the wiser. That's her REAL turn on, not you man. Not you. Spark...I agree with you, tho it is getting repetitive. The joy ride was never about me. I know that now.
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 I agree Spark...the real turn on for the OW is secretly humiliating her husband. It smacks of a deep resentment and a huge FU. Pretending to be a friend to her affair partner's wife also speaks volumes as to her deep seeded competition with her own gender. Yeah....this woman has issues. Agreed and insightful. She does not play in the sandbox well with other women and other women don't generally like her, like in the sense they would like other women. I honestly did not realize how deep-rooted it was until I read your post. 2
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 An FU to her H but most likely the deep seated resentment is towards daddy. Who knows? Your question is why oh why did you do this to your spouse? she irritated you? that's the best you got? have you ever irritated her? The answer is yes. I am difficult to live with. Admittingly so. That is not the best I have, but I don't have time to really open all the aspects of my M in this marriage. Regardless the action of infidelity is cowardly and my wife does not deserve it regardless of what turmoil we have in our relationship. And I agree, neither does she deserve me not confessing the PA. Why did I do it? No good reasons. But for me to answer for myself. Maybe I can gather my thoughts and post in a concise manner someday. Thank you for your help. I do believe your intentions are well. 1
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 the real turn on for the OW is secretly humiliating her husband. I am real intrigue by this observation, not that it hasn't been brought up to me before especially in IC. And it pertains to me and the AP. But I never thought of myself in the A as humiliating my W. I thought of myself just wanting to be with my AP. What are the reasons why someone would want to humiliate their 'significant other.' I resented my W for a several things even when I felt I was humiliated by her by some mild form of emasculation, and probably preempted by something she saw me do as a threat. But I never thought to myself as humiliating her, why would one do that?
Furious Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I am real intrigue by this observation, not that it hasn't been brought up to me before especially in IC. And it pertains to me and the AP. But I never thought of myself in the A as humiliating my W. I thought of myself just wanting to be with my AP. What are the reasons why someone would want to humiliate their 'significant other.' I resented my W for a several things even when I felt I was humiliated by her by some mild form of emasculation, and probably preempted by something she saw me do as a threat. But I never thought to myself as humiliating her, why would one do that? Despite having betrayed your wife, it's evident you possess empathy. From what you've posted, your affair was not about humiliating your wife, in the sense you find it distasteful to flaunt you affair partner in your wife's presence in the guise of "friendship" and socializing as couples. Your OW lacks empathy, and most striking, she finds pleasure in humiliating her husband and manipulating you into agreeing to follow her lead. For her it's a sense of power and covert aggression. Most likely she has a personalty disorder and this is her "normal. I suggest you google COVERT AGGRESSION and you'll get a better understanding of this type of behaviour. 3
BetrayedH Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Despite having betrayed your wife, it's evident you possess empathy. From what you've posted, your affair was not about humiliating your wife, in the sense you find it distasteful to flaunt you affair partner in your wife's presence in the guise of "friendship" and socializing as couples. Your OW lacks empathy, and most striking, she finds pleasure in humiliating her husband and manipulating you into agreeing to follow her lead. For her it's a sense of power and covert aggression. Most likely she has a personalty disorder and this is her "normal. I suggest you google COVERT AGGRESSION and you'll get a better understanding of this type of behaviour. Yep, much of it likely stems from conflict-avoidance that led to unresolved resentment which manifested as passive-aggression. My exwife was a classic case of this. She almost never expressed any complaints with me or our marriage but several aspects of her affair were clearly about taking pleasure in disrespecting me. I read her own words about how she reveled in the fact that her husband would never know how the OM had taken her on my couch. 3
dreamingoftigers Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 OP, For some reason you sound a lot like my mother. (Who wasn't a WS). Do you think you may have just been bored and needed to present yourself with a challenging puzzle to figure out? Do you have trouble making friends or socializing.... (No, that's not quite right.....arg...trying to articulate) Do you kind of feel like an "observer" in your own life? Like you do stuff and then have to analyze yourself, others, the pattern of interaction etc.? Like have a heavy interest in people, attach to them in the sense that you like having them "figured out." I don't mean anything negative by any of this. Just when I read your posts it sounds like my mother's family (I have similar mental processes) and it is an unusual thing to come across. (I KNOW you aren't from my mother's family, breathe a sigh of relief). Just trying to contextualize it a bit better.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Yep, much of it likely stems from conflict-avoidance that led to unresolved resentment which manifested as passive-aggression. My exwife was a classic case of this. She almost never expressed any complaints with me or our marriage but several aspects of her affair were clearly about taking pleasure in disrespecting me. I read her own words about how she reveled in the fact that her husband would never know how the OM had taken her on my couch. I see A LOT of those traits with my husband. My father was very much a covert aggression individual (and overt too). I think that people with those traits have extreme self-esteem issues. The kind of people who scrub the toilet with the roommate's toothbrush. 1
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 I see A LOT of those traits with my husband. My father was very much a covert aggression individual (and overt too). I think that people with those traits have extreme self-esteem issues. The kind of people who scrub the toilet with the roommate's toothbrush. Dream, thanks for your questions. I could try to answer but I am done with her. Praise god if I don't have to go through this with my W. I'm done with the infdelity question. Willl it happen again, god I hope not, not because I am an idiot but because I was naive to tall of this. Will she contact me, prolly. I am an idiot to even entertain. I am moving on.
2.50 a gallon Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Though I have not posted I have watched this thread with great interest. My question is to the posters. Where are all of the "There is no excuse for cheating posters!"? If a woman comes here and admits to cheating, they come out of the wood work. But not a one if it is a man? 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Though I have not posted I have watched this thread with great interest. My question is to the posters. Where are all of the "There is no excuse for cheating posters!"? If a woman comes here and admits to cheating, they come out of the wood work. But not a one if it is a man? There is no excuse for cheating! 2
waterwoman Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Though I have not posted I have watched this thread with great interest. My question is to the posters. Where are all of the "There is no excuse for cheating posters!"? If a woman comes here and admits to cheating, they come out of the wood work. But not a one if it is a man? Perhaps because the OP hasn't said 'Yes I am a POS for cheating BUT... she did X, she didn't do Y, she got fat etc etc'. It's the BUT that usually gets the 'there is no excuse' response. 1
tiredofitall2 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I think it's because OP has not come up with any justifications. He knows he FU big time and is seeking help to get out of his mess. We have seen it with women that come clean. I think people get angry when OP tries to justify. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I wrote a post about how it's usually because the poster blames one or both of the other people in the Affair Triangle but my phone ate it. Sigh..... But in retrospect that's usually the same line that gets WS and OM/OW to start wailing "bitter BS gang-up." As soon as we say "no excuse for this/responsible for your own actions" the brown stuff hits the oscillating turbine. Hmmm Upon reflection it may be best to phrase it as a question than as a statement of fact because WS and AP need to realize their own culpability. I.e.: "why do you seem to believe that your spouse was responsible for your actions?" "Did you think/do you feel that this resolved anything in your marriage?" "Don't you think that xyz justification is a way to try to excuse your actions when truly this is YOUR personal response to a relational trigger." I mean. A lot of us Betrayed Spouses know the basic answers but it seems the WS spouses are often not able to digest it when given in a "hard-candy" form.
tired girl Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I am curious as to the fact that the OP has said that he is moving on. What does that mean exactly? Are you looking into why you did this? Or are you just rug sweeping the whole thing figuring you have made a horrible mistake? 1
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Hi, I have not posted in over a week. I am hoping this us the epilogue but I know it is not deeply in my heart. I saw all your comments. I thank you for caring. The OW has not contacted me since my original post and neither I the same. Tonight her H posted they had an addition to their family. The door has been shut folks. I will not plan to confess to my W. if the fAP contacts me, I will tell her to F- off in a nice way. Will I do this again, I doubt it. I had a chance this week with a woman clearly attracted to me, I dropped the issue. I am more interested in my family Good nite
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 if the fAP contacts me, I will tell her to F- off in a nice way. Silence says so much more. Why even bothering speaking to her? Stay strong and pour all your love and energy into your wife. Be the best husband, friend, lover to her and please, get yourself tested for STD's. I see your mind is made up about keeping this from your wife, but someday if she was to find out on her own, it'll be much worse. If you come clean to her, at least you've had the courage to tell the truth and work with her to gain her trust in you again. Work on you, get into therapy and fix whatever is broken in you so you don't cheat again. Get boundaries, stick to them and don't befriend women and become close to them. 1
Spark1111 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I am curious as to the fact that the OP has said that he is moving on. What does that mean exactly? Are you looking into why you did this? Or are you just rug sweeping the whole thing figuring you have made a horrible mistake? Me too. It's over for him, yet he noticed someone attracted to him and shut it down. Good boy. 1
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Periodically I will provide updates to developments, feelings, etc to give you answers to some of the questions that may be asked. I understand many in the forum may be BS or suspecting BS. And my experience as a WS and now a somewhat recovering WS may provide some insight. What I did is the enemy to most of you. Over months prior to my OP, I have thought a lot of the questions being asked in this thread. I would rather share them over time to give myself time to recover and pour my energy into the woman and family who have loved me and supported me for many years.
BetrayedH Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I realize that I'm beating a dead horse here but honestly, if you're still hiding your affair and lying to your wife, you haven't learned much of anything. Just about any BS will tell you that it's the years of lies and feeling that your life is a lie that's the most difficult thing to get over. 4
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 I realize that I'm beating a dead horse here but honestly, if you're still hiding your affair and lying to your wife, you haven't learned much of anything. Just about any BS will tell you that it's the years of lies and feeling that your life is a lie that's the most difficult thing to get over. Who says I have learned anything? I can't choose every word carefully that I write, and I am not trying to come off a condescending prick in my posts. Maybe it'll take me years and years to learn the hard way, but that impacts me and my family bud, not you. I appreciate your insight and I'll consider it, but let me live and die by the consequences of my actions and if someday I post something and you say I told you so. Than you can relish in the fact you are correct. I am still going through to a healing process myself and I struggle with my betrayal and deceptions. Whoever told me to read the book, 'Not Just Friends.' Granted it may be theory based on research, but to you, thank you very much.
tired girl Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I can tell you that I don't think any of us here would relish in the fact that we were correct should you come here down the road and tell us that we were right in what we had tried to tell you. We try to say these things to new comers because, well we have walked this road, and it was painful and it sucked. And if we can save someone else even a little bit of that pain, and another marriage has the chance to make it, well that is why most of us offer this wisdom up to you. Not to beat you over the head, or to be able to say " I told you so " down the road. We want to save you and your wife the pain that will come if you don't confess. That is all. 4
BetrayedH Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Who says I have learned anything? I can't choose every word carefully that I write, and I am not trying to come off a condescending prick in my posts. Maybe it'll take me years and years to learn the hard way, but that impacts me and my family bud, not you. I appreciate your insight and I'll consider it, but let me live and die by the consequences of my actions and if someday I post something and you say I told you so. Than you can relish in the fact you are correct. I am still going through to a healing process myself and I struggle with my betrayal and deceptions. Whoever told me to read the book, 'Not Just Friends.' Granted it may be theory based on research, but to you, thank you very much. I know my response may seem harsh but it's the cold truth. If it were just you that would 'live and die' by your own actions, I'd shut up. My thoughts are with your wife who isn't getting an informed vote on staying in this marriage or how to reconcile (and with you, truth be told). For what it's worth, I do credit you for going NC but the deception remains (which is ultimately a critical piece) and so I caution you about too much patting yourself on the back for what you've learned. There are many posters here who have truly earned the "former" wayward status whom I consider my virtual friends and I hope someday to count you amongst those numbers. 3
ComingInHot Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 (edited) Okay. My very First post in this thread. ...and all I can come up with is.. Hey Betrayed H! He called you "bud" !! LMAO . of all the people sorry MEN to call "bud" sorry had to laugh. It's just this OP talks of cheating and changing and pouring Everything into the people he betrayed and choosing to be dishonest about why THEN in his "epilogue" happens to mention a New Female He has noticed that "wants him" but he's out on that action. I can't decide if that is "commendable" to me OR disturbing because he actually picked up on this chick's vibes during his breaking up with OW, pouring into His Own W and Fam, as well as healing from his poor choices. .. where does one find the time?? Seriously, good OP, it would actually be pretty cool to see a man such as you have described yourself turn into the man you claim you want to be. What a testament you would then be to so many people. ! Edited January 27, 2014 by ComingInHot 3
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