Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 When I feel weak in this 'detoxification' process, I will turn to you people. It will be often. Thank you.
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 I only started looking at this forum back in June. I should have done this months ago. A lesson for me.
Artie Lang Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 so, are you planning on telling your wife it was a PA as well, or are you keeping that all to yourself. btw, this woman you had an affair with sounds like a real class act, being that this is not her first rodeo when it comes to cheating. i question the fact that you'd even consider a "friendship" with a serial cheater. speaks volumes on your character as well, buddy. 3
BetrayedH Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 so, are you planning on telling your wife it was a PA as well, or are you keeping that all to yourself. btw, this woman you had an affair with sounds like a real class act, being that this is not her first rodeo when it comes to cheating. i question the fact that you'd even consider a "friendship" with a serial cheater. speaks volumes on your character as well, buddy. Artie, you really should remove the sugary coating. JK, your posting style cracks me up. 5
HtotheN Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 This is a good point. Many people struggle mightily with NC because they continue to mentally engage in the affair, checking Facebook pages and so forth. It's a sort of fantasy (because it's not a real, out-in-the-open, relationship with the typical struggles of shared finances, kids, laundry, etc.) that is nearly impossible for your wife to compete with - particularly when she doesn't know she's in competition for her husband. It's nearly impossible for her to win against an unknown opponent that shows you only her best self and in brief, stolen moments with a lot of pent up, anxious excitement in the interim. It helps to look more realistically at your affair partner. Honestly, she's not such a great person if she's helping you participate in the betrayal of your wife. A real relationship with her would like bear this out as a serious stressor as you both know exactly what the other is capable of. To build on what tiredgirl said, you need to stop allowing yourself to mentally engage in this fantasy because that's all it is. You need to establish both physical and mental NC. When you begin entertaining thoughts of your affair or AP, envision a stop sign in your mind and force yourself to redirect your thoughts. Then spend the next few minutes dedicated to your wife; make plans to stop for flowers, think of your next vacation together, send her a flirty text message. Given time, your thoughts of your AP will be a distant memory like an old girlfriend that no longer captivates you. Some reach a point of revulsion at the betrayal the two of you have perpetrated; I think perhaps a more realistic goal is feeling indifference. The grass isn't greener on the other side; isn't greener where you water it. Spot on. Love the bit at the end about the grass being greener where you water it. That is so very true. 1
HtotheN Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Wow Spark1111; you are knocking them outta the park! Very insightful and no-nonsense feedback. 1
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Artie, good questions. for all the reasons cited in this thread, it would be best to tell my W of the PA and several times throughout this ordeal, I almost did for a number of reasons. I am not exactly sure what is in store for my W and I. When the A was going on, even in its most intense, I did not go running back to my W with regret or to 'light up the flame' again. Instead I sought IC, we actually did some MC. I trolled some of the boards on the net, read tons of articles, asked questions of a couple friends who acted did the same thing, ec. I really went through an introspective journey. I know delaying time is not fair to my W who is married to a serious d-bag, but at the same time, I am not ready to be so forthcoming. I understand the stats about willingly confessing and I guess I am ready to suffer the consequences if we get to that point of if my W finds out. It's sad, I know. I am not disagreeing with the intent, just the execution. I hope some day I can. My W is of the highest quality of person and I know she deserves to find real love. As for the desire to be friends with the AP. Well there is a whole component to our relationship I can't delve into for privacy concerns. But she is not a bad woman either. She is a beautiful person inside and outside. People make mistakes. But there has been zero communication anyway since before my initial post so the question is kind of moot, I am getting more 'enlightened' so to speak, and hopefully have the courage to go NC all the way. And after telling her she used me and is a liar, I don't forsee her wanting to connect with me anyway. I am sure I will never forget her, but we'll both move on. As for my character, yah it sucks. That's the obvious. 1
Spark1111 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Beautiful people on the inside do not help you self-destruct by helping you to lie and decieve and betray the other high-quality person in your life...YOUR WIFE. NOT in the name of love. They also do NOT keep making the same mistakes, over and over again, where they keep lying, cheating and deceiving their spouse. They do not offer up their mother's poor, poor choices as an example or an excuse for their behavior. They RESPECT NC because they no longer wish to cause you any more painful complexity. IMO. 8
Artie Lang Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 (edited) OP, you sound like an intelligent(other than being dumb enough to cheat) and articulate person. that being said, cheating should NOT just be considered a "mistake"..... spooning salt instead of sugar in your coffee is a mistake; throwing diesel instead of regular in your tank- that's a doozy of a mistake. cheating on someone is a conscious decision people make to lie, decieve, and betray. look, i'm not trying to bash you here. i'm just being honest. i think you can handle it, right? furthermore, a "beautiful(inside)" person does not cheat on her spouse, let alone TWICE! you are still romanticizing the affair if you can't see past her horrendous behavior. she is a toxic person. as long as you keep her up on this pedastal you will never move on and realize the true damage you two have done to your respective marriages and spouses. Edited January 15, 2014 by Artie Lang 2
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 First...what is OP. Artie, yes I can handle it. I don't think the forum is throwing stones, maybe a little. , and even if so, it is waking me up and giving me the perspective I need to understand, And you are right I can see where myself and the 'former' AP are not classified as beautiful. Yes, our actions and behavior have devastated the trust and morality of a very innocent people in all this, my W and my children. Even with all the things that irritated me about my W, she truly believe in the sanctity of marriage and family, and sticking my penis and my time/heart elsewhere, defies what she feels is sacred. I knew day by day what I was getting into, even early on. All I wanted to do was capitalize on my AP's perceived broken marriage, and get a cheap thrill with a younger woman who had the same interest/goals that I did and had a nice ass and who was sexual (and who by the way really is not more physically, educationally, mentally attractive than my W). We had this "connection" at the time and it really started with a drug that consumed our genitals. Instead I was the one who got played with my feelings and emotions being drug all over the place. This whole situation is a page out of the infidelity playbook. I can admit I am not truly cured of all this, and I still have the issues with my W, but at least I feel more aware...
tired girl Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Instead I was the one who got played with my feelings and emotions being drug all over the place Be careful of having a victim mentality here. You both walked into this affair with eyes wide open. Now walk away from it and start doing the right thing. Confess to your wife, go NC, and figure out why you did this so you don't do it again. 4
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 Be careful of having a victim mentality here. You both walked into this affair with eyes wide open. Now walk away from it and start doing the right thing. Confess to your wife, go NC, and figure out why you did this so you don't do it again. Good call on all fronts Tired. I will keep the group updated as we progress. I can honestly say right now I have the will power to execute on 2 of the 3 above. If I slip, I will let you know. I do have a lot of questions related to A's that may or may not be relevant to my situation. I may ask those in a separate thread. Understand when I ask, it may be in the context of my situation or not. 1
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 Selfish, selfish, selfish...and oh-so-juvenile too when you think of it like that. as soon as you are okay with your wife maintaining friendships with men she has been sexually active with in the past, then maybe she will be okay with you,she and your OW and her H being friends...You are kidding here, right? Interestingly enought this is what the fAP suggested, for all 4 of us to remain friends even be great if we could take trips together. What the hell was that all about? F-ing weirdo!
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 I think trying to remain friends with a fMAP is one of the most selfish, self-servings things one can hope for. here's why.... Wanting to remain friends is at the expense of the marital relationship, because which BS, in their right mind would tolerate this? NOT A ONE. If the BS cannot dial up or FB all her old high school or college boyfriends and maintain a friendship while married to you, why should it be okay that you remain friends with your xAP? The person who could care less about your spouse, like you did, during the affair and willingly helped you almost destroy all you once held dear; your marriage, integrity, and respect of others in your community. Selfish, selfish, selfish...and oh-so-juvenile too when you think of it like that. as soon as you are okay with your wife maintaining friendships with men she has been sexually active with in the past, then maybe she will be okay with you,she and your OW and her H being friends...You are kidding here, right? Also, by remaining friends, the fAP, and maybe you, can believe what you did wasn't so bad, so destructive Afterall....because see? he's still friends with me, so I couldn't have used him for my own selfish purposes. he still likes me! I am not a bad person....we are STILL friends! And lastly, by remaining friends, she can still get her ego stroked. Pretend to be concerned for you and your marriage but look for, hope for any sign you give that you still long for her and only returned to your BS out of obligation. HOW DISRESPECTFUL to your wife, but hey, you allowed it, right? How many men has she cheated on? And you want to believe you are special and her one true love? That's why you are keeping in contact? YOU ARE A FOOL. She saw you coming from a mile away and played you for the vulnerable fiddle you were. she's probably lining up her next boy toy as you post how hard it is to turn off your feelings for her. I mean, c'mon man! This woman has had PRACTICE! Interestingly enought this is what the fAP suggested, for all 4 of us to remain friends even be great if we could take trips together. What the hell was that all about? F-ing weirdo!
BetrayedH Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 First...what is OP. Original Poster (or Original Post)
tired girl Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 Interestingly enought this is what the fAP suggested, for all 4 of us to remain friends even be great if we could take trips together. What the hell was that all about? F-ing weirdo! There are many reasons that AP's do this, but at this point analyzing her behavior keeps you in mental contact with her. It is best to not try to analyze her behavior anymore and just not think about her. Focus on yourself and your wife. 2
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 There are many reasons that AP's do this, but at this point analyzing her behavior keeps you in mental contact with her. It is best to not try to analyze her behavior anymore and just not think about her. Focus on yourself and your wife. you are right about this. This A consumed my life for over a year, moving on will happen as long as there is NC, but to analyze/rationalize why and what happen that's kind of natural for a while. I am not disagreeing with you though. Action speaks volumes more so than rationalization.
tired girl Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 Analyze why you did this. Why did you make this choice over all others? What was it in you that chose betrayal, and breaking your vows and hurting the one person that trusts in you? That is what you analyze at this point. If you put your time into that, it will take up all of your mental time, and you will not have a problem with mental NC. 5
BetrayedH Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 Analyze why you did this. Why did you make this choice over all others? What was it in you that chose betrayal, and breaking your vows and hurting the one person that trusts in you? That is what you analyze at this point. If you put your time into that, it will take up all of your mental time, and you will not have a problem with mental NC. Great post. When you look at an affair objectively, they make little sense. They're not terribly logical as they don't fix any marital problems and they very rarely develop into a healthy, happy, long-term relationship. They're not ethical; lies are utilized to keep your spouse loyal to you while you play single. They're not healthy; they rain destruction upon your marriage and family. And if I had to bet, I'd wager that it goes against your own belief system. So WHY would a person choose to do such a thing? Are you severely conflict-avoidant? Do you have an excessive need for external validation? Do you have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement? Even if you had marital problems, why choose an affair when there are other more logical, ethical, and healthy choices that don't go outside of your belief system? Many times these traits are developed in our childhood or stem from our FOO (family of origin). Maybe you suffered abandonment, lack of affection or approval, saw infidelity as "normal," or were just spoiled. I'm not suggesting that any of this justifies the choice; you have to own it. But if you can determine your personal "why" then you might be able to more effectively recognize when you're leaning towards the use of that crappy coping mechanism again and avoid it. Should you disclose your affair to your wife, she'll also have more confidence that she won't suffer a repeat performance. Notice that none of this has anything to do with your affair partner. She is also likely broken in a similar fashion. But it's not your job to figure out her; it's your job to figure out YOU. It also has little or nothing to do with your wife or marriage. Every marriage has problems. But those healthier choices were a available either way and not every marriage suffers infidelity. I also think that it's telling that you have the courage to end the affair and go NC but don't have the courage to confess. Cowardice is pretty much a prerequisite for having an affair. Why are you so afraid to face your consequences that you'd go through decades of continued deception (and a virtual sham of a marriage that you've tricked your wife into) so that you can take it to the grave? That's some pretty significant fear. Your "why" and your fears are something to really delve into in IC. 6
Spark1111 Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 I'm with BH on this one. Tell your wife. I'd like to see her response to all 4 of you taking a trip together in the future. Should be a real doozy. This statement alone is so telling TO how the feelings of the BSs is so Irrelevent to the APs and is just more "what they don't know can't hurt them, so while we are keeping them in the dark, let's hurt them some more!" Also, all of you hanging friendly together smacks of real adolescent rebellion, as in sneaking behind mommy and daddy's back with them none the wiser. That's her REAL turn on, not you man. Not you. 4
Furious Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 I'm with BH on this one. Tell your wife. I'd like to see her response to all 4 of you taking a trip together in the future. Should be a real doozy. This statement alone is so telling TO how the feelings of the BSs is so Irrelevent to the APs and is just more "what they don't know can't hurt them, so while we are keeping them in the dark, let's hurt them some more!" Also, all of you hanging friendly together smacks of real adolescent rebellion, as in sneaking behind mommy and daddy's back with them none the wiser. That's her REAL turn on, not you man. Not you. I agree Spark...the real turn on for the OW is secretly humiliating her husband. It smacks of a deep resentment and a huge FU. Pretending to be a friend to her affair partner's wife also speaks volumes as to her deep seeded competition with her own gender. Yeah....this woman has issues. 5
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 What is FU? other than what I think it may be.
Spark1111 Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 An FU to her H but most likely the deep seated resentment is towards daddy. Who knows? Your question is why oh why did you do this to your spouse? she irritated you? that's the best you got? have you ever irritated her? 1
Recommended Posts