I am new to this....AND you should know.

[nowaygoingthereagain]

I have had an on-going emotional affair with a younger MW that turned physical early on but remained emotional for most of the latter half of last year. My W is aware of our affair, because the MW and I started out as partners in a work style function and friends. The MW and I were initially very attracted to each other and little did we know we would have such a magnetic connection. My W and I have been married for almost 20 years now. We have 2 children. This is the first time that I ever saw my attention and love drift from my family. I have had other distractions but on a very small scale and much longer ago.

 

The affair is almost dead. It's death has has been waning. I have finally come to my senses that I was being 'used' for emotional purposes to reinvigorate or masquerade the issues in the MW's married life. They have no children. And I'll have to admit, early on I used the MW for physical than emotional concerns in my own life. It is very difficult to truly sever all ties because me and the MW feel we have this common goal in our mutual interests.

 

My point in posting this is more from a perspective of advice:

 

- If you are having an emotional affair and it turns physical, even early on, it is impossible to remain friends. Cut the relationship ruthlessly. All you are doing is prolonging the demise of your integrity and dignity. You will continuously over analyze, lose confidence, and second guess yourself and others will do the same about you. You will find aspects of your life (professional and personal) spirialing down a deep hole.

 

- For MM, whether you are going through some mid-life crisis or seeking attention you feel like you are not getting at home, stay away from MWs. They are truly emotional wrecks and are confused. You may feel like a man some day but the drama that ensues will suck all positive life out of you. It will take you a while and a whole bunch of mental will power to grow back a pair. If your AP is single, than realize you are just being a douchebag by breaking the vows of marriage and the AP has nothing to lose so they could wallop a whole can of whoop ass on you and your wife.

 

In general, falling in love is not a bad thing. It happens and sometimes it happens in married life with someone who is not your H or W. You can only beat yourself so hard for doing something that felt so right. But the fact is no one wins when you break commitments, vows, and live in a world of secrecy. Love is not a controlled emotion. You cannot control the A to work for your own good and think that breaking a commitment without first addressing those issues in your marriage or living in a world of secrecy leads to anything good. Think about it before it gets to deep, because the person you are destroying the most is yourself.

 

So when you decide to fall in love outside of your marriage, consider the consequences. No one gets healthy eating cake and having their dessert too.

 

Respond and I can give you a whole bunch of anecdotal stuff in relation to my situation. And I hope to not only learn from, but also help where I can.

 

The only thing good from an A is maybe, just maybe you can see what an ass you really are, fix yourself and address the issues in your environment (including your marriage) to hopefully become a healthy individual again. Maybe your marriage will survive, maybe it will not. But at least you can hold yourself in some integrity that you either never had or lost along the process.

 

The chances of your A working, especially in one that is lingering, like for example you decide to separate from your family like 2-4 months from the A starting, are like zero to nil. If you are even slightly confused, you have just initiated the first cut and an A is 'death by a thousand cuts.'

 

Wish me luck as I finally nip this in the bud. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

How long ago did your affair start and how long did it last?

 

 

What you posted is a nice cautionary tale, but you've been married for 20 years, so I assume you are no kid and you have some life experience. My assumption is that people with that amount of life experience already know those things you posted and, if they have an affair, do so anyway, knowing full well about lack of honesty, integrity, dignity, should be fixing things at home, etc. Strong attraction, magnetic connection, lack of attention at home - those sound more like excuses after the fact.

 

 

What did you tell yourself while you were allowing the affair to progress from "strong attraction" and "magnetic connection" to "physical" and then to "emotional"? Didn't you already know all that stuff about honesty, integrity, and dignity at that point? What were you telling yourself day to day to allow the affair to progress?

[BetrayedH]

Your writing sounds a bit like you trying to convince yourself.

 

I'm also curious...your say your wife is aware of your affair and that it is almost dead. Did you mean to say that your wife is UNaware? If she is aware and it is not yet dead, that must make for an interesting environment at home.

[tiredofitall2]

"Almost dead" sounds to me as him still having feelings for MOW and having some contact, but still in the detox process. But I give him props for working his way out, although as he stated he should nip it in the budd with immediate NC.

 

Is this the case here?

[Bryanp]

What do you think will happen when the OW's husband finds out it is you.

[aliveagain]

That was my question too, does her husband know that you are or were banging his wife. Why is your wife allowing you to continue working with her, does she know all the truth.

[herself]

I have had an on-going emotional affair with a younger MW that turned physical early on but remained emotional for most of the latter half of last year. My W is aware of our affair, because the MW and I started out as partners in a work style function and friends. The MW and I were initially very attracted to each other and little did we know we would have such a magnetic connection. My W and I have been married for almost 20 years now. We have 2 children. This is the first time that I ever saw my attention and love drift from my family. I have had other distractions but on a very small scale and much longer ago.

 

The affair is almost dead. It's death has has been waning. I have finally come to my senses that I was being 'used' for emotional purposes to reinvigorate or masquerade the issues in the MW's married life. They have no children. And I'll have to admit, early on I used the MW for physical than emotional concerns in my own life. It is very difficult to truly sever all ties because me and the MW feel we have this common goal in our mutual interests.

 

My point in posting this is more from a perspective of advice:

 

- If you are having an emotional affair and it turns physical, even early on, it is impossible to remain friends. Cut the relationship ruthlessly. All you are doing is prolonging the demise of your integrity and dignity. You will continuously over analyze, lose confidence, and second guess yourself and others will do the same about you. You will find aspects of your life (professional and personal) spirialing down a deep hole.

 

- For MM, whether you are going through some mid-life crisis or seeking attention you feel like you are not getting at home, stay away from MWs. They are truly emotional wrecks and are confused. You may feel like a man some day but the drama that ensues will suck all positive life out of you. It will take you a while and a whole bunch of mental will power to grow back a pair. If your AP is single, than realize you are just being a douchebag by breaking the vows of marriage and the AP has nothing to lose so they could wallop a whole can of whoop ass on you and your wife.

 

In general, falling in love is not a bad thing. It happens and sometimes it happens in married life with someone who is not your H or W. You can only beat yourself so hard for doing something that felt so right. But the fact is no one wins when you break commitments, vows, and live in a world of secrecy. Love is not a controlled emotion. You cannot control the A to work for your own good and think that breaking a commitment without first addressing those issues in your marriage or living in a world of secrecy leads to anything good. Think about it before it gets to deep, because the person you are destroying the most is yourself.

 

So when you decide to fall in love outside of your marriage, consider the consequences. No one gets healthy eating cake and having their dessert too.

 

Respond and I can give you a whole bunch of anecdotal stuff in relation to my situation. And I hope to not only learn from, but also help where I can.

 

The only thing good from an A is maybe, just maybe you can see what an ass you really are, fix yourself and address the issues in your environment (including your marriage) to hopefully become a healthy individual again. Maybe your marriage will survive, maybe it will not. But at least you can hold yourself in some integrity that you either never had or lost along the process.

 

The chances of your A working, especially in one that is lingering, like for example you decide to separate from your family like 2-4 months from the A starting, are like zero to nil. If you are even slightly confused, you have just initiated the first cut and an A is 'death by a thousand cuts.'

 

Wish me luck as I finally nip this in the bud. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here.

 

This is where I get SO confused as your ending your A.

My EA was a former coworker & our friendship lasted 13 years and the last few were filled with passion, I love you, I miss you, your beautiful, so real, treasured, cant see my life withoutvyou. Seems your talking about the end of the A as if your discussing taking out the trash, just effortlessly waltzing away from it as if it was one bad dream.

 

If you read my last thread on other man/woman forum sir (please?) I would love the insight on what happened. Did you just grow a conscience? How do you share a strong beautiful bond with someone & overnight in your eyes they no longer hold that beautiful position, that special loving place? Did the void just get all filled up & suddenly your cold toward her & your wife suddenly is angelic and back to your sole focus and the live of your life while the AP was just some tragic mistake of a filthy seductress.

I just dont get how suddenly theres such a fast moral awakening and your hands are washed clean and the bond is cast away as if you were with a monster.

 

Where did all that love, intensity and bond, all those loving words & reaching out go. Do you miss her & think of her as daily I wonder how he can go on without me and not miss me. I never harmed him, and never slept with or kissed him.

But every single waking minute he made SURE to reach out to me thousandsvof times per dat and let me know I was like the center of his universe.

But from what you describe I was a disposable mistake, easy to forget and walk away.

Explain the process.

Ps. Hes married 4 years, two babies. I am married 7, no kids

[tired girl]

Noway,

 

So does this mean you are working on figuring out why you could do this?

 

Herself,

 

Why don't you figure out why you could cheat in your M?

[nowaygoingthereagain]

Mr. Fitz, first thank you.

 

We knew of each other for about 9 months. The communication really ramped up in Fall of 2012 and it is still infrequently on-going, whenever she texts me, we go through a small period of responses before it escalates to no contact for a week until she texts me again

 

Did I know what I was doing was wrong from the start - absolutely! I was not in a dead marriage but one with a lot of daily communication conflict. I don't care whether you are 15 or 50, infatuation is a powerful drug. You can convince yourself over and over you are immune to such vices but good luck! There is a solution, which I have not yet prescribed to, that I am looking into, which I'll share in a bit.

 

I kept telling myself this is wrong daily, but the thrill and attention were all too powerful.

 

Betrayed - I still have feelings for the OW. You cannot say good night, overnight. I care very much about her, but for my sake I have to jump on this forum so convince myself I don't want anymore. Eventually, I predict, I will die off this forum, unless I become with intrigue with someone else's drama, because my feelings for the OW have fade. Fact is, I believe, when a relationship fades so do the emotions to some degree. It will fade for her eventually too.

 

What my W knows is that we had an emotional affair, not the physical piece. Does my W allow me to continue to see her? Well I have not on my own in over a month. Two weeks ago we went to party at her house, but I think my W was trying to sniff our body language which is why she allowed it in the first place. Will my W throw a fit if she hears I am with her, Yes! Our work function is more of a hobby, I cannot elaborate more than that. Sorry! Am I trying to forever stay away from the OW, you bet, by jumping on forums like this and exposing my vulnerabilities. In some ways, we are all creatures of consensus.

 

One thing I did not share is the OW texted me yesterday, I unloaded on her, telling her she is a liar and she used me for emotional gain. I do not suspect the OW will want to reconnect with me for a while, and hopefully by than to not contact me and that I am focused on my marriage.

 

 

Tired - I am like you, tired. To me the A is going no where. I have known that for a while and I have not taken big strides to address it, just baby steps, however as I turn to look back, I have seen I am eventually drifting away.

 

Alive/Bryan, the OW husband initially accused her back when things were physical with us months ago but seem to drop it. I am certain he knows what happen. To be honest, I think he has smaller cohones more so than me. But I am not taking that for granted, who knows. If he does know and wants to take action than I reap what I sow.

 

She still wants an emotional bond but for us to be true to our marriages. What crap!

 

Tired and everyone - After this experience, I am more cynical to marriage but I believe more so in the laserlike focus of what marriage is really for. To either procreate or live within God's house. I have decided to do more couples activies with my W at church and prayer. I have also decided to communicate differently with my W, where I am working to listen to listen and not just respond.

 

Will this happen again, maybe so based on previous history. Our M is definitely not out of the woods. That is the next chapter in this saga.

 

Posting on this forum is not just for me to share my experience but therapy for me too.

[thummper]

If your marriage is, as you say, "not out of the woods" don't you think you should be spending time AS A COUPLE working on improving it and dealing with those things that have been holding you both back. Can't do that if your attention is focused on another woman for whom you still pine. I do wish you luck in whatever you decide, and that goes for your wife, too. Perhaps going your own ways would be beneficial to both of you.

[nowaygoingthereagain]

thum...

 

I could not agree more. the advice you are giving me is what I would give to others. In my case, because I did cheat, it is easier said than done.

 

I'm going to give it my ol' college try to move on OW and focus on my marriage.

 

I do feel my current relationship with OW is so one-sided. She may text me occasionally, but it is just to use me or get my attention. Even if my W and I don't work out, I surely should do my best to not chase that.

 

At least with my W, even though we have communication issues, our marriage has been bi-directional over the years. We have just lost really important things like intimacy which we need to reclaim.

[Artie Lang]

as long as you keep the true nature of the affair from your wife, i don't think you can recover tour marriage. you're still lying to your wife.

Edited January 13, 2014 by Artie Lang

[Oberfeldwebel]

You have betrayed your family and continue to do so. You blame your faults on other individuals, feel that these atrocities qualifies you to give marital advice to others and butcher a time tested analogy.

 

The saying is you can't eat your cake and have it too. Physician, you need to heal thy self, before trying to heal others. Please give this website to your wife, I feel that the board would be able to provide her with some very useful advice.

[jnel921]

I can tell you that after over 20 years of being M to two different men respectively , being cheated on is not the answer to M issues.

 

You cannot pick and choose what you think your W should know. Who has the communication issue there?

 

You take her to a work function where I am sure people at your job know something is going on. So who looks like the fool? Why put your W through that?

 

Seems like after all of these years someone gave you some attention and you ran away with that. You don't like that she talks about her M issues? You feel used? What do you think this woman wants, because it's not what you think. You sir are the fool.

 

Not sure what you want us to tell you to help you with this "therapy" you seek.

 

All I can tell you is give your W the respect and tell her the truth. Let her decide if she wants someone like YOU in her life. After all she has needs too and she deserves someone who will honor and respect her.

[janedoe67]

It sounds like your W knows of the PA and previous EA interaction, but I would bet she is NOT aware of the continued contact. My advice would be to come completely clean about everything, including your on going struggle. Then I would give her freedom. If you want a future with her, you can work on yourself and work to make amends and then try to reconnect at some point. If you have ANY desire to be with your W, cut off ALL contact with the OW.

[BetrayedH]

You cannot say good night, overnight.

 

Actually, you can. It's called, going No Contact. It's a standard prescription and honestly, it's foolish of you to think that you can let this affair die a natural death. Keep educating yourself and commit to NC. It's hard enough to maintain once you've made the decision. Otherwise you're bound to this stop and start routine as so many others have done before you. You're like an alcoholic that goes and sits in a bar from time to time and says you'll try not to have a drink.

 

As for giving the old college try with your marriage, when is that going to include stopping your lies of commission and omission with your wife? You're fooling yourself if you think you're trying while you're still lying. Keeping this up will preclude any real intimacy in your marriage and instead of an amicable divorce, you're sentencing your wife to a death of a thousand cuts. Get real with her and you have a chance of reconciling. Statistically, your chances double with a voluntary confession.

 

Smooth words with us is not going to fix this. It's going to require action and hard work on your part. It requires courage that is sadly in short supply with those that engage in affairs. Find it.

[Spark1111]

In the strongest reconciliations, the BS knows all as it occurs and TOGETHER the married couple form a plan to prevent the AP from any further interference....EVER again.

 

As long as you continue to keep ANY secrets from your BS, you remain emotionally invested elsewhere....and that includes indignant sputterings to your xOW.

 

The drama of that is still stoking her ego, as in, he still cares enough to be upset with me.

 

And maybe you do.

 

Examine that. And asky yourself why? What is the payoff for you to continue to entertain contact with her and risk losing your spouse forever?

 

Nothing says you are no longer healthy or important to me like the indifference of NEVER having contact of any kind ever again.

 

she texts...why respond at all?

[nowaygoingthereagain]

I am really happy with the feedback I am receiving as of this post and currently I am soaking it all in.

 

A couple things I do want to say. It is my fault, and I hope no one feels I am blaming others. My wife, the OW. Really when it comes down to it, the responsibility falls upon me.

 

Also I did not mean to come off too condescending in my initial post. Someone mentioned, I am trying to convince myself, I am.

 

So let me ask the forum this. While I have every desire to remain strong in this process, do you ever forget the OW? I have had several serious relationships in the past prior to my wife, and while I still think of the women, and some I see on FB, I have no interest in reconnecting with them. Educate me on this?

 

It is a pertinent question.

 

Also, what does BS stand for? other than what drama I have caused for myself over the past year or so.

[tired girl]

BS=Betrayed Spouse

 

You are having trouble moving past the OW because you have not gone NC. You need to do this, including mental NC. You also cannot invest fully into your M until you have done this. Anything you try to do until NC is fully established is fairly worthless. You are cake eating.

[Spark1111]

Affairs are NOT like other relationships where you can and do have constant exposure to each other; where it is conducted out loud and can proceed or wither and fail on its own merits or lack thereof.

 

Affairs are forbidden, illicit and intermittent. They are fueled attraction that leads to chemicals being produced in the brain hitting the same region as cocaine does and having a Similiar effect on one's judgement.

 

Because you CANNOT have access whenever you want, the chemistry and emotions spike in intensity when you do contact or see each other....that's intermittent reward.

 

And it is highly intoxicating and addictive. And your AP, as the drug, becomes the end all, be all of your existence and the risks you take for continued contact speaks of the lack of judgement exhibited when in an affair relationship.

 

If you and she were to leave your spouses and have normal constant exposure to each other, limerance would be over in two to four years and you too would have a normal, every day, sometimes boring, sometimes wonderful relationship....just like the marriage you are in now.

 

Some days you would argue, have communication issues, and sex would normalize to the routine with occasional amazing.

 

This is long term relationships 101.

[BetrayedH]

You are having trouble moving past the OW because you have not gone NC. You need to do this, including mental NC.

 

This is a good point. Many people struggle mightily with NC because they continue to mentally engage in the affair, checking Facebook pages and so forth. It's a sort of fantasy (because it's not a real, out-in-the-open, relationship with the typical struggles of shared finances, kids, laundry, etc.) that is nearly impossible for your wife to compete with - particularly when she doesn't know she's in competition for her husband. It's nearly impossible for her to win against an unknown opponent that shows you only her best self and in brief, stolen moments with a lot of pent up, anxious excitement in the interim. It helps to look more realistically at your affair partner. Honestly, she's not such a great person if she's helping you participate in the betrayal of your wife. A real relationship with her would like bear this out as a serious stressor as you both know exactly what the other is capable of.

 

To build on what tiredgirl said, you need to stop allowing yourself to mentally engage in this fantasy because that's all it is. You need to establish both physical and mental NC. When you begin entertaining thoughts of your affair or AP, envision a stop sign in your mind and force yourself to redirect your thoughts. Then spend the next few minutes dedicated to your wife; make plans to stop for flowers, think of your next vacation together, send her a flirty text message. Given time, your thoughts of your AP will be a distant memory like an old girlfriend that no longer captivates you. Some reach a point of revulsion at the betrayal the two of you have perpetrated; I think perhaps a more realistic goal is feeling indifference.

 

The grass isn't greener on the other side; isn't greener where you water it.

[nowaygoingthereagain]

again all good stuff and validates my intuition and research.

 

Let me ask the group, is there any justification for being friends after a PA or EA? This is not the OW's first PA or EA. Yrs ago she had a PA after she first married, 'friends with benefits' that became emotional hence it quit and I think prior to me she had an EA which her husband found out about. Her mother comes from a history of infidelity and eventually divorced after 25+ yrs of marriage and 3 grown children.

 

She always said to me she could handle being friends after our PA. I held on thinking I could handle it too. My gut told me its impossible and it was for me.

 

Openly, It always hurt thinking she could sweep such feelings under the rug, but at the same time it was always her who would initiate contact with me, even though I would NC for days and sometime a week or two at a time.

 

Wow I am a fool.

[BetrayedH]

again all good stuff and validates my intuition and research.

 

Let me ask the group, is there any justification for being friends after a PA or EA? This is not the OW's first PA or EA. Yrs ago she had a PA after she first married, 'friends with benefits' that became emotional hence it quit and I think prior to me she had an EA which her husband found out about. Her mother comes from a history of infidelity and eventually divorced after 25+ yrs of marriage and 3 grown children.

 

She always said to me she could handle being friends after our PA. I held on thinking I could handle it too. My gut told me its impossible and it was for me.

 

Openly, It always hurt thinking she could sweep such feelings under the rug, but at the same time it was always her who would initiate contact with me, even though I would NC for days and sometime a week or two at a time.

 

Wow I am a fool.

 

The short answer is no, you can't. The relationship is beyond that.

 

I highly recommend the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It's a real eye opener and a virtual bible on the subject of infidelity. Frank Pittman is another amazing author but I would really start with this one book.

[Spark1111]

I think trying to remain friends with a fMAP is one of the most selfish, self-servings things one can hope for.

 

here's why....

 

Wanting to remain friends is at the expense of the marital relationship, because which BS, in their right mind would tolerate this?

 

NOT A ONE. If the BS cannot dial up or FB all her old high school or college boyfriends and maintain a friendship while married to you, why should it be okay that you remain friends with your xAP? The person who could care less about your spouse, like you did, during the affair and willingly helped you almost destroy all you once held dear; your marriage, integrity, and respect of others in your community.

 

Selfish, selfish, selfish...and oh-so-juvenile too when you think of it like that. as soon as you are okay with your wife maintaining friendships with men she has been sexually active with in the past, then maybe she will be okay with you,she and your OW and her H being friends...You are kidding here, right?

 

Also, by remaining friends, the fAP, and maybe you, can believe what you did wasn't so bad, so destructive Afterall....because see? he's still friends with me, so I couldn't have used him for my own selfish purposes. he still likes me! I am not a bad person....we are STILL friends!

 

And lastly, by remaining friends, she can still get her ego stroked. Pretend to be concerned for you and your marriage but look for, hope for any sign you give that you still long for her and only returned to your BS out of obligation.

 

HOW DISRESPECTFUL to your wife, but hey, you allowed it, right?

 

How many men has she cheated on? And you want to believe you are special and her one true love? That's why you are keeping in contact?

 

YOU ARE A FOOL. She saw you coming from a mile away and played you for the vulnerable fiddle you were. she's probably lining up her next boy toy as you post how hard it is to turn off your feelings for her.

 

I mean, c'mon man! This woman has had PRACTICE!

[tired girl]

If your wife had done this to you, would you allow her to remain friends with the guy?