Women who put the cart BEFORE the horse

[irc333]

I was thinking, with some of the Meetups I've attended, when I get to know some of the new faces of the group. When talking to certain woman, I'd ask them what they like to do on their spare time.

 

And they'd laugh and say, "What spare time??" LOL" and kind of laugh it off and then say, I"m busy with my kids, night school, and work...so I really don't have time to do much of anything"

 

Then I say, "Well, I take it you found the time to come to THIS event" and they kind of laugh it off.

 

But I've noticed, when I havent' even given much thought to asking them out or getting their # before leaving the event....they seem to allude to the fact they have no spare time in their lives RIGHT from the get go.

 

Though, I may have not have any interest IN dating them...they still like to throw that out there JUST in case?

 

So do women actually "put the cart before the horse" in this case?

[Shepp]

They're covering up the fact the have no hobbies

[irc333]

They're covering up the fact the have no hobbies

 

Yeah, and I meet a lot of single women, over 40, going BACK to school...so they just bog themselves down with other stuff (NOT saying there's anything wrong with that), but....if you're going to college, just take one class per semester or something. I mean, you already have a job...so there should be no mad dash for your 2nd Bachelor's degree, right?

[BeingMe]

Yeah, and I meet a lot of single women, over 40, going BACK to school...so they just bog themselves down with other stuff (NOT saying there's anything wrong with that), but....if you're going to college, just take one class per semester or something. I mean, you already have a job...so there should be no mad dash for your 2nd Bachelor's degree, right?

 

Seriously? They should take less classes so they have time to date?

 

Anyway, to answer your question...I used to have loaaads of hobbies, before children. My husband kept most of his hobbies because I looked after the children. Somehow that never got reciprocated and all my hobbies fell to one side, mainly because I was having to pick up most of the slack at home. Then he left. Now I have to manage the whole home and while I do have the time each week when their dad has the children, I'm trying to work out who I am and what I want to do for hobbies (and round here, not many hobby type things are on at the weekend). But I also have to face facts that I'll probably have to retrain to be able to get a job, after being a SAHM for a while. Which would give me even less time.

 

So it might be that the women you're meeting only have time to either date, or have a hobby. And they're choosing to date. And then you ask what their hobbies are and they don't want to have to give the long explanation that I just have, and are probably feeling self conscious about it.

[irc333]

Seriously? They should take less classes so they have time to date?

 

Not not seriously, but I think I was more alluding to the situation of either not even dating at all if you're that bogged down with that kind of activity in your life.

 

The woman also had a dating profile, too, but with some of these profiles I see them saying, "Keep in mind, I go to school full time, work full time, and have my kids full time".

 

So she would either have to give up one (which is rather out of the question) so that can't be it...or don't date at all until you've completed at least one of those things.

 

I recall a woman that had to call of a relationship with a guy that kept getting frustrated with her and her insistence on attending her child's Cub Scout events all the time. SHe always seemed to volunteer to oversee her child and her child's friends at the camp outs and so forth.

 

The guy was patient, he actually found a way to compromise and said to her, "Hey, I can bring my tent and stuff along with the group."

 

She said it wouldn't be appropriate, something about her kid getting the wrong idea about this "New man" in her life.

 

He pretty much made some kind of implication she was cheating on him that she always kept blowing him off, but she said she's never one to do that. But, she knew he was frustrated and said, "Hey, I don't think this is going to work" and they amicably parted ways.

 

Personally, I don't see why a parent would insist on partaking and routinely taking on these activities with her child soccer games, practices, slumber parties then maybe dating is something for you, as a parent, at this time in your life. Wait till they are grown to the point where THEY start "noticing" members of the opposite sex so they can have dates of their own ...and THEN you can go out and date. LOL.

[BeingMe]

Right....I take it you don't have kids? Being present in your children's lives is part of being a good parent. Might be worth steering clear of single mamas. Just a thought.

[Mrlonelyone]

To answer the question IRC333. I would say it's just a defense mechanism. Yes, women put the cart before the horse and lightly pre-reject most men. If you were super super hot then you would not get that kind of talk. However, the same woman who says they are soooooo busy will if they warm up to you suddenly not be busy.

 

Have you tried finding a wing woman to go to these things with. Nothing makes a man look sexier to women than him already having a woman.

[xxoo]

They have a right to structure their lives and priorities in a way that makes sense to them. Just because they are too busy in your opinion to date doesn't mean they "shouldn't" be dating.

 

Frankly, it sounds like meet ups may be their hobby. And if a woman only wants to get out and mingle with people a couple times a month, that's a good way to do it. Maybe she'll meet a similarly busy man, who also only wants a low pressure dating situation, and they'll hit it off. In that case, when she says, "what free time?", he'll simply relate and feel connection.

[iris219]

Then I say, "Well, I take it you found the time to come to THIS event" and they kind of laugh it off.

 

This is could be construed as a really antagonistic comment.

 

Just because you didn't like her answer to your question doesn't mean you should try to make her feel stupid.

[Aquanut]

Finding time to date can be challenging. I went through a period when I had no free weekends and maybe only 5 or 6 week nights per month. When I broke up with my gf I decided I wasn't going to date.

 

My plan didn't last long. One of my ex's best friends contacted me on Facebook. I had met her only once before. She was a divorced single mother who had her kids almost all the time. The dad had them one weekend a month and for 4 hours every Wednesday night. She asked me if I was interested in being her **** buddy. She said that neither of us had time to date and we can never be together or even go out in public because her friend could never know about it. We had never even kissed but we agreed to meet at a hotel between our houses for sex and if that went well we would meet at her house on Wednesday nights while her kids were with dad. We couldn't meet at my house because I did not have a garage and she did not want to chance her friend driving by and seeing her car.

 

This arrangement worked out pretty well but eventually the internship I was working on ended and I now had time to date. I told her I was going to start dating and she begged me to reconsider but I wouldn't. I broke off the arrangement which hurt her badly. After 5 months of Wednesday sex sessions she had started to have feelings even though we had said they weren't allowed. It's kind of ironic. In the beginning she almost broke off the arrangement because she thought I was being too affectionate after sex and that I could be falling for her. After being chastised I worked hard to compartmentalize it and forced myself to view it all as temporary just like we had agreed. And then at the end she gets her heart broken because I didn't feel the same way as she did.

 

Did she kind of get what she deserved? She was giving her friend support about the breakup with me all the while she was banging me behind her back. It wasn't the classiest thing for me to do I suppose but I didn't owe any loyalty to my ex- especially considering I broke up with her for being dishonest with me.

[Shepp]

Yeah, and I meet a lot of single women, over 40, going BACK to school...so they just bog themselves down with other stuff (NOT saying there's anything wrong with that), but....if you're going to college, just take one class per semester or something. I mean, you already have a job...so there should be no mad dash for your 2nd Bachelor's degree, right?

 

I kind of disagree, I find it attractive when people use every second of there free time to do something. Admittedly sports and outdoors stuff is more my thing and probably more the thing of a girl who'd work in a long term relationship with me. But educating yourself further and studying that's good too - providing there passionate about what there doing.

Passion is sexy.

 

I would figure these wome do work, study and maybe shop or look after kids or whatever but when you ask them what they do in there free time, they deflect the question because they haven't got a "good" answer and feel awkward about it.

 

If they genuinely don't have any spare time because there always studying...history. Then I would of figured at that question they'd of responded more passionately about history than with a deflective answer.

 

Dunno, I'm just assuming.

I wouldn't be too interested in a girl who didn't have interests - partly because a girl who runs 100m competitively will probably be a lot more understanding of the dedication that I have my football and etc for whatever hobbies people hold.

[Silly_Girl]

I went OLD and one of the reasons I chose that method was because I was busy at work and all my free time was spent with my son with a tiny bit left for me. I could free up an evening a fortnight on average. So I thought I'd see how it went.

 

I met someone on shifts who was therefore free at different times so we met up outside the 'standard' pattern, and it was also around the same time my son started socialising a lot more. Also, man + kid got on amazingly so I didn't have a huge need to compartmentalise. The guy in question was really flexible so sometimes he'd watch his horror movies whilst I sat beside him and did work in the evening. We made it work because it was what we both wanted.

 

I can see your point, OP, but not sure it's quite as cut and dried as that.

[JourneyLady]

I was thinking, with some of the Meetups I've attended, when I get to know some of the new faces of the group. When talking to certain woman, I'd ask them what they like to do on their spare time.

 

And they'd laugh and say, "What spare time??" LOL" and kind of laugh it off and then say, I"m busy with my kids, night school, and work...so I really don't have time to do much of anything"

 

Then I say, "Well, I take it you found the time to come to THIS event" and they kind of laugh it off.

 

But I've noticed, when I havent' even given much thought to asking them out or getting their # before leaving the event....they seem to allude to the fact they have no spare time in their lives RIGHT from the get go.

 

Though, I may have not have any interest IN dating them...they still like to throw that out there JUST in case?

 

So do women actually "put the cart before the horse" in this case?

 

On of the reason for meetups, apart from OLD, is the fact that there is no pressure to date and you get to socialize with people without feeling urged into a relationship.

 

Women going back to school are often using Meetups to be able to socialize after having been divorced. Divorced women (as mentioned earlier) have often given up their hobbies during marriage and children and now find themselves with the additional goal of supporting themselves eventually. But women over 40 don't get much socialization with college students and are therefore looking for real "friends" of all kinds, or even just to go out somewhere not by themselves.

 

It's uncomfortable for most people to go places alone after having been in a long relationship or marriage. Women even more so in our society and they feel vulnerable. Thus they go to Meetups to be able to get out with a lot of people and make friends with some of them, without having to specifically date or make commitments they can't handle. In the old days, a lot of people got their socialization through church, but Meetups often fulfill that function now.

 

Does that make it more clear? In church, you see people every Sunday, but they don't necessarily become part of your life - but you talk at church and at coffee hour afterwards a bit. Same with Meetups for the most part. Socialization is the main reason for church, because you could practice your religion anywhere pretty much...

 

That's the way I see it, anyway.

 

I have a LOT of hobbies and except for the friends I've met during meetups (and a couple at church) I don't socialize much because most of those hobbies are pretty much of a solitary nature (computer stuff, design, writing...)

[TheGuard13]

I thought "putting the cart before the horse" meant jumping ahead of things, rushing, etc.

[d0nnivain]

At some point many women, me included, were fed the message that we're not supposed to have spare time, that if we're not busy being productive all the time, we have some how failed. Oh, & we were supposed to have gotten married before 30, pumped out 2 perfect high achieving kids, still gotten the corner office, plus look & behave like a porn star.

 

 

So after 30 when you ask about "spare time" we give the stock answer that we don't have any.

 

 

When you encounter these women at a meetup event, finding somebody to date is on the "to do" list. That doesn't mean she's not sincere about wanting to date. It doesn't mean she's already jumping to being married before the 1st date but it does mean that she knows where the finish line is & she's goal oriented.

 

 

If your point in asking the original question was to get to know a little more about the person, try rephrasing it to "what are your interests?" or "what do you do for fun?" or "what are your hobbies?"

[RedRobin]

I go to Meetups too, and I resent it when I get hit on by men right off the bat... or alternatively, the catty alpha b*tches doing their best to dig and ask lots of personal questions.

 

 

I'm there to get a workout and do some light socialization... not into people who need to get all up my grille the first time we do an activity in the same place. It's repulsive.

 

 

If I meet people there for friends or otherwise, it will be slowly over time.

[irc333]

Yeah, there's this one woman, single, mid 40's, attractive, always posting her Marathons she does on Facebook, it seems she has no other interests other than running or either training for running.

 

I recall one time a female married friend of mine wanted to introduce me to her female friend by inviting her female friend to a social event. It never did happen each time I was at said event.

 

The married woman didn't say much about her, so I decided to ask, "Hey, whatever happened to your single friend you wanted to introduce me to?"

 

And she said, "Well, she was busy that weekend running a marathon" or 'training for a marathon".

 

Eventually I found out that her friend was really wanting to share in the same constant lifestyle of running. Kind of like when Harley Davidson riders will only ride with other Harley Davidson riders or Salsa dancers will only strictly date other salsa dancers. Stuff like that.

 

Apparently, some hobbies can wind up being lifestyles to some. Sometimes a hobby is more than just a hobby.

 

I recall a woman having to break off an engagement with a guy because he was expecting her to take an occasional weekend off from her trail biking friends...she did this every weekend....she wouldn't break routine. There were other things at play, too. Apparently he was stopping by her house too frequently, too.

 

 

I kind of disagree, I find it attractive when people use every second of there free time to do something. Admittedly sports and outdoors stuff is more my thing and probably more the thing of a girl who'd work in a long term relationship with me. But educating yourself further and studying that's good too - providing there passionate about what there doing.

Passion is sexy.

 

I would figure these wome do work, study and maybe shop or look after kids or whatever but when you ask them what they do in there free time, they deflect the question because they haven't got a "good" answer and feel awkward about it.

 

If they genuinely don't have any spare time because there always studying...history. Then I would of figured at that question they'd of responded more passionately about history than with a deflective answer.

 

Dunno, I'm just assuming.

I wouldn't be too interested in a girl who didn't have interests - partly because a girl who runs 100m competitively will probably be a lot more understanding of the dedication that I have my football and etc for whatever hobbies people hold.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I think it's just a stock answer... people think that they have to appear to have the perfect, full life. Seeming busy makes them look desirable, and productive, and in demand.

 

I'd just ask 'what do you like to do for fun?' instead.

 

I mean I do a full time MA, while on placement work 40 hours there plus written work, plus 20-30 at a part time job plus 4-12 at my voluntary work, and I still find/found time to meet new people, date, even began a relationship during my last placement... I still see my friends, cram things in. And still do things I enjoy like play the piano and read books. If someone asked me what I did for fun there'd be loads to talk about, but I am SO busy that I might say something like 'haha, well there isn't much time for that...' without even thinking. Delve a little deeper.

[Eau Claire]

What type of Meet Up groups are these? I attend quite a few and they are not single events. If I was a male, I'd attend the moderate hiking groups, drop in sports like dodgeball, etc. These tend to be 75% female participation. People enjoying an activity together.

 

No idea exactly but my guess is over half the females in these groups are not in relationships. These are just a nice way to actually get to know someone...also, no rush as you can casually talk to someone over the weeks at several events.

 

As or being 'busy', I also question this. There seems a need in society to present oneself as busy...as if this increases ones value. I personally managed to be a nurse, mother of 2, etc. and had lots of time for activities, going to the gym, etc. If someone is 'too busy' to have a relationship, keep care of themselves, etc. then they should reevaluate where they put priorities in life.

[MissBee]

I was thinking, with some of the Meetups I've attended, when I get to know some of the new faces of the group. When talking to certain woman, I'd ask them what they like to do on their spare time.

 

And they'd laugh and say, "What spare time??" LOL" and kind of laugh it off and then say, I"m busy with my kids, night school, and work...so I really don't have time to do much of anything"

 

Then I say, "Well, I take it you found the time to come to THIS event" and they kind of laugh it off.

 

But I've noticed, when I havent' even given much thought to asking them out or getting their # before leaving the event....they seem to allude to the fact they have no spare time in their lives RIGHT from the get go.

 

Though, I may have not have any interest IN dating them...they still like to throw that out there JUST in case?

 

So do women actually "put the cart before the horse" in this case?

 

Irc333 Idk I feel like all your posts are in fact the same exact question, same exact Meetups just phrased differently, i..e why aren't these women interested but lying about it

 

I wouldn't use the cart before the horse phrase....I don't think that's suitable for this situation. But yes, maybe some of them are anticipating you asking and saying so to ward off any advances OR they could be genuine about their response, but laughing because it's clearly an exaggeration.

 

I'm pretty busy during school and sometimes in conversation I will say exactly that "What spare time?!" But it's a hyperbole. I am really busy but clearly almost no one is busy ever second of everyday.

[Frank2thepoint]

Pro-tip. Don't go after women with kids. They are too invested in caring for their kids, and it would be selfish of you to demand whatever little time they have to spare for themselves. If a woman chooses to date and manages her time to date, then good for her. But if you want the same time like a childless single woman would have, you're going to have a bad time.

[Shepp]

Yeah, there's this one woman, single, mid 40's, attractive, always posting her Marathons she does on Facebook, it seems she has no other interests other than running or either training for running

 

I recall one time a female married friend of mine wanted to introduce me to her female friend by inviting her female friend to a social event. It never did happen each time I was at said event.

 

The married woman didn't say much about her, so I decided to ask, "Hey, whatever happened to your single friend you wanted to introduce me to?"

 

And she said, "Well, she was busy that weekend running a marathon" or 'training for a marathon".

 

Eventually I found out that her friend was really wanting to share in the same constant lifestyle of running. Kind of like when Harley Davidson riders will only ride with other Harley Davidson riders or Salsa dancers will only strictly date other salsa dancers. Stuff like that.

 

Apparently, some hobbies can wind up being lifestyles to some. Sometimes a hobby is more than just a hobby.

 

I recall a woman having to break off an engagement with a guy because he was expecting her to take an occasional weekend off from her trail biking friends...she did this every weekend....she wouldn't break routine. There were other things at play, too. Apparently he was stopping by her house too frequently, too.

 

True true, and there are people that take it to the extreme but most of the time its just about finding someone who's outlook is the same level as yours I think.

 

I'm captain of the my semi pro football team - that means training twice plus a match once a week, and then I have to find time to think about strategies and set pieces that I can suggest at training - I can't just miss a Saturday - which would probably drive some girls barmy!!

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'm captain of the my semi pro football team - that means training twice plus a match once a week, and then I have to find time to think about strategies and set pieces that I can suggest at training - I can't just miss a Saturday - which would probably drive some girls barmy!!

 

Not me, I find it very attractive when a man has interests and is passionate about them... I don't understand this entitlement people seem to feel over someone else's time when they've only just started dating, as though it's mandatory to see each other on certain days for some reason!

[Silly_Girl]

Not me, I find it very attractive when a man has interests and is passionate about them... I don't understand this entitlement people seem to feel over someone else's time when they've only just started dating, as though it's mandatory to see each other on certain days for some reason!

 

Definitely nice to see a passion and enjoyment, even if not shared.

[darkmoon]

meet up is my spare time! but either way, I think you are asking a pointless question, tbh, if somebody does not have any spare-time of their own to describe or discuss, look, imho, you are starting off talking but are putting in scant effort - can you not discuss the meet up group you are in at least?