candie13 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I was out with my sister, in my home town, right before the holidays. We were going out, hanging out with friends and meeting lots of people - I live in a small city, in another country which is much more boring, so in all honesty, I was welcoming the change. During one of our outings, I met this guy, in a bar. He was a foreigner, living relatively close to my country, we were both speaking French, a lot of coincidences. He met my sister, all three of us had a great time, dancing, talking, drinking. I especially liked the fact that he was not all over me, trying anything funny. Very legit. When the night was over, he asked for my contact and showed me his travel plans, saying that in three weeks' time he'd be in my region. I said cool and off he went. In all honesty, I was not even expecting a text - just a guy in a bar, a cool evening, that's all. LAter, the next day, he called me - men hardly ever call, most guys I see usually text. I did enjoy it. And it wasn't hi and bye thing, it was a proper talk. Liked it. A few days later, he calls again - I find 5 missed calls from him. As a vain woman, I enjoy the attention. To make it short: he texted on Christmas Eve, we were speaking on the phone every other day - all of the times, him calling. Mind you, I am quite relaxed and not really looking for a relationship. Especially not a long distance one, so I wasn't pushing it. After the NYE, we started talking even more often and longer - like 30' at least. Smart guy, interesting things to discuss. By that time, I started to initiate some of the texting as well... even called him on a Sunday evening, to find his phone closed. Ok, so it appears we were to meet, so I ask for confirmation on the dates, as I am also traveling, on business, around that time. Normally, with a guy I am interested in, I just let it flow: if he wants to see me, he is the one to make the efforts of setting up the dates, etc. This guy... I don't know, he seemed to have his act together. At some point, he did make some allusions as when we would meet, about how we'd better do all the talking in advance as when we would see eachother, there won't be that much talking. I've made a stupid comment and didn't say yes or no, saying that it'd be really funny to see someone from my home country in my real life, such a different setting (basically changed the subject, as I don't like to feel pressured.. if I like the bloke I might kiss him again... or not. I don't feel like giving anyone any reassurance about that). Anyway, I receive this call from him a few days ago telling me he'd like to discuss something that is a "shadow zone." I was expecting him to ask me about the weekend details... wrong. Turns out the guy has a small boy who is almost three... Next question from me was: how about the mother? Turns out she lives with them... maybe because they're married . Then followed a really bs discussion about how I stroke him and about him trying to persuade me that he did tell me about his wife... which he did not. He told me he had had a relationship with a girl that ended, but not that well... then he asked me if I didn't see his wedding ring... which I did not - nor did my sister, maybe because he wasn't wearing one. Then he admitted that he had realized that I was oblivious to his marital status, but he wanted to be all honest and straightforward, now that we were about to meet. And he continued talking about how he wanted us to stay in contact and maybe even see eachother... with him playing the straight up, honest married guy's role. I was a bit in shock, really. I mean, no biggie, in all honesty, it did me lots of good to have showers of attention around Christmas and not be completely alone. Same for NYE, despite being out with my friends. My question is... how can a guy who isn't even in his 40s - he's 36 - do this to his wife? How easy is it to cheat, with him traveling all the time? But most importantly, how easy is it for him to actually build an affair, while living with his wife and son? Thinking back, it is true he was always calling me when he was out or at work or doing stuff, but I never put one and one together. And it wasn't simply about talking to an entertaining friend, we were bonding for sure, we did use endearment terms, without getting all sappy... During our last phone conversation, I didn't show my disgust or outrage, because he never promised me anything, so it would have been out of line. I was simply cold. He had asked to stay in contact and that he'd leave me time to think about staying friends. Later I sent him a text saying that I'm not comfy with that. Obviously, showers of texts and messages, I wasted another hour answering back and forth, until I decided to stop all contact and blocked everything. His phone number, his texts, his IM, all of it. Like... OMG! What sort of a person does this?!? The usual "you're the first one", "you're the only woman who made me question my relationship with my wife"... like no no no, please, don't question anything, go there and fix it! I've never dated or kissed a guy who was married or in a relationship... that I knew of. He wrote an email saying he didn't understand my reaction, we had agreed to stay friends, that he wasn't stalking me and that it was up to me to contact him, shall I need his support. Never responded to that email. Great learning, I've never met this sort of breed before - the MM types... jeeesh. Why? Why? Why?
Speakingofwhich Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I was out with my sister, in my home town, right before the holidays. We were going out, hanging out with friends and meeting lots of people - I live in a small city, in another country which is much more boring, so in all honesty, I was welcoming the change........................................................................................... Great learning, I've never met this sort of breed before - the MM types... jeeesh. Why? Why? Why? I wonder how old you are? I remember the first time a MM hit on me. I had just gotten M and a MM at work began to take an unhealthy interest in me. It was shocking to me. Idk why because my mom had been a MOW. But, I guess I never expected any of that kind of attention. But, ya. There will always be men who will want this kind of an R with you. As you become familiar with the fact that this kind of thing is out there and available don't ever allow yourself to give in to it as for the most part it'll bring you a lot of pain. Even if you should be one of the few whose MM leaves his W for you, there will still be pain and guilt involved.
Author candie13 Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) I'm in my early 30s, however as an expat - woman rather professionally oriented, none of the people around me are married (as they are similar to me, professionally oriented), so no, I don't usually have people around my age married. I've never had any type of interactions with married men or men in relationship, nor have I ever been interested in developing such a thing. This - these 20 days when I got attention, calls, emails and texts from this guy that never told me about his marital status - is the exception to the rule. I am also reminding you that he is blocked in my iphone, on the imessage, on whatsapp - both phones, work and professional. I do not intend to contact him on email, so that this is over and done with, from the same evening he broke the news. I am in my 30s and do not intend to spend one more evening wasting my time with a liar. To your point, of course that I am aware that there are men interested in (chasing) women, and their being engaged, married or living with one woman never will change that. But they are out there, somewhere, not in my life. Not in my circle of friends. Not at work. Or so I think. My other point is that I've always thought that MM chasing other women are guys in their late 40s, having an opportunity they cannot refuse laying on their lap - like a ONS in a bar, in a business trip. Not young men, in their mid 30s, deliberately lying women who aren't even in the same city with them, calling, keeping constantly in touch and doing his best to build a connection... This guy must have gotten married 3 years or four years ago... like... what will he do in 10 years? what about after 20? I guess it is indeed a silly, childish shock, but personally, I've never been exposed to such a thing before. The pure taking, the pure lies, the deliberate lies and deceit towards everyone involved. The main reason I liked him was because at that bar, he was keeping to himself, not all over me, respectful. And he continued to sell me this image of an honest, real guy with a character. That's why I continued to respond to his calls in the first place, because long distance relationships are not my thing. At all, actually. He actually seemed worth the trouble, we had a great time interacting. I've never thought about that, but I guess, in the end, evil, just like goodness, does exist and manifests itself into people. Some people do indeed ruin, poison everything they touch with their selfish ways. Lies and deceit to be the only winning party. Because in this game, I lose, his kid loses, his wife loses, everybody is exposed. Them knowing or not knowing about it is irrelevant. I am judgmental, but the reality is he f*cked it all up. Whatever other lies he may be saying to himself, he is a bad person, a horrible husband and consequently a horrible father. The truth will resurface at one point. Under no way or form do I want to be associated to such a person. Him leaving his wife? OMG, please let him stay with her and continue playing their little charade. I guess it's not even the lack of morality, lack of empathy with regard to the situation he's putting me through that's offending me. What I find really offensive is the exceptionally good opinion of himself that he must have and consequently, terrible oppinion on me - or should I say women in general. He must think he is that good that I'd much rather accept this situation or that I am this stupid and want him so badly to accept? He even sent me pics with his son and of his son, to be more endearing... with his dad who has leukemia... like... yeah, playing his cards, or maybe starting to play his cards, to get ready for when the next victim comes along... the nerve this guy has ! Anyone that has any other explanation, feel free to come and share... it's not a MM bashing here, I am sure all people having affairs have their reasons to... but attracting an oblivious person into that mess is simply put cruel. Berk ! Edited January 12, 2014 by candie13 1
chelsea2011 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Hi Candi. You handled the situation perfect and you have lot of self respect and self esteem. Good for you! One thing in your recent post that stood out to me is you said that he must have a low opinion of you to expect you to accept his situation. You are very wise. Stay true to your beliefs and you won't go wrong. Kudos! 1
Raena Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I have to agree with the above poster. You seem like a very smart person and you handled this situation very well. Kudo's to you for seeing this for what it is and walking away. Now that being said, I'm very surprised that this is your first encounter with men who behave in this manner.(and be in your 30's) You must have been very lucky to have come this far without meeting people who do things like this. I, unfortunately, have had the opportunity to see behavior like this time and again throughout the course of my dating life. It happens to men (and woman) of all ages. Cheating and lying isn't something that just happens to men in their 40's. It happens at all stages of life. What it really speaks to is the morality of the person who would choose to behave in this manner, not their age. 2
Author candie13 Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Now that being said, I'm very surprised that this is your first encounter with men who behave in this manner.(and be in your 30's) You must have been very lucky to have come this far without meeting people who do things like this... Cheating and lying isn't something that just happens to men in their 40's. It happens at all stages of life. What it really speaks to is the morality of the person who would choose to behave in this manner, not their age. Hi, Raena Thank you for the nice compliment (same gratitude to the other posters). I must admit that your post scares the sh*t out of me. Yes, first real life encounter with this specie. In my home country, I know my sister has a few married friends and one of the women has no stress about going to bars, flirting and taking phone numbers, but she is always wearing a wedding ring. In all honesty, it seemed stupid to ask a random guy in a bar, who just started to chat with me, if he is married. Also this guy did tell me that he had a big relationship, but he also confirmed it was over, also he did make the ending a bit blurry. I just never thought of digging through or asking if he was married... it never crossed my mind. Any secret receipt in identifying these horrible creatures before getting caught up in their game? I am scared, because I am a trusting, normal person and I totally lack knowledge and experience in dealing with that. Ask straight up about the marital status and kids? Do they even tell the truth, if confronted? Any other signs in their behavior I should watch that might give them away?
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