did having kids (for the men) contribute to turning your attention to another?

[herself]

As Im trying to peice together what happened I have to wonder...

We always had chemistry but we always kept it at bay and were able to keep in under wraps in our communication.

 

When it really changed and went into overdrive and turned into a full blown EA was when he & his wife had kids. As the fog lifts, I see now...his wife was probably so busy wiith kids and not feeling like sex and tired he turned to me for that wanted feeling and those ego strokes and that playful, sexy interraction and attention he was missing.

 

And when he cut it off Im gonna guess he got hia sex life back on track as the kids were just hitting the one year mark so she probably got her body, energy, and balance back, then he was getting enough attention again then so he was all patched up & just didnt need me anymore, sound right?

 

Because before that he was almost clingy. So strong he came on, with I love you and miss you seemed like every 5 minutes. Constant worry about me if I was busy or answet short "are you ok"? Then just like overnight he switched it seemed.

[Whisper Quiet]

You are likely correct.

 

Sorry to say the scenario you described is all to common with some men.

[Cocochai]

Kids can throw you off when it comes to doing things that first got you together but once things get routine you balance things out.

 

My XMM was like this too but seems like when we stop NC and he tries to be faithful with his BS again after he almost had a Dday, he reached back out in two to three months and this cycle has happened 5-7 times over 2 years so, apparently things don't always change without extra help.

 

All depends on the individual and if they are truly willing to change their selfish ways.

[blue963]

I find it interesting that men don't often equate that if you help the wife more in general (when kids come into the picture) that they could have all of the time and attention they desire.

[herself]

What a selfish cruel joke to use someone for a "time of need".

I mean since we were both married & I believed he loved his wife & his family I wasnt under any illusion either of us would ever even dream of leaving for even one second.

But I never dreamed he was faking that connection with me. It was so strong & filled with love and happiness & tons and tons of opening up on his part and many words like you are the only one I ever shared that with or could share that with.

 

The bond was VERY deep and magnetic. He would just constantly reach for me every waking second it literally left me breathless and surprised me, almost scared me because remember I knew him for years, knew we were always slightly fond of eachother but it was SO.contained we would never dare discuss "us" we just spoke nicely & discussed polite basic subjects. Even many times when it first started picking up I would pull back, dial down, gloss over "loving" comments & stay in safe zone.

He pulled, pushed, groomed....then in the end left me destroyed & played and abandoned.

 

I never asked for anything, no gifts, dinner, more time, why this or why that.

I just was so simple enjoying our interraction, comfortable where we were, never jealous of his interractions with his wife & family. I was the perfect EAP where he really DID have it all.

 

I see no reason to have ever ended it because one thing was clear, neither of us wanted to leave our spouse, and I never asked for anything. It seems like it usually ends when it gets complicated and someone wants more and starts pushing. I just feel so betrayed and used. Blindsided.

 

If you would have heard his words & sentiment you would have positively SWORN he was head over heels for me 100%.

I just didnt know I was a stand in until he felt wanted at home again.

I cant believe I was so disposable but the sad part is a 13 year friendship had to be the casualty of his selfish needs.

Many times I had fears early on that it would be too much for him to balance and I would say hey, I dont need to hear from you this weekend, or take some time for your wife and kids, lets catch up in a couple days so you have lots of time. Nope...he would call, email, text MORE.

[blue963]

Im a so so sorry. I can imagine how hard this is for you. Sometimes I dont understand why people can't treat others appropriately. My heart is breaking for you.

[Quiet Storm]

In my opinion, its likely he meant those things when he said them, but the feelings were fleeting. He was probably living in the moment, in an "affair bubble".

 

I think the "I've never told anyone that before" is because some MM have no vested interest in OWs opinion of him. By the nature of an affair, he figures OW already knows he's a cheater and weak. With his wife, he cares if she judges him or if he disappoints her. His words may bring judgement or consequences. With OW, she already sees the worst parts of him and she stays. He can share the things he may be ashamed to tell his wife, because he doesn't want to tarnish his wifes image of him. I think OW like to hear MM say that, but it doesn't necessary mean what they want it to.

 

You filled a need for him, just as he fills a need for you. The difference is that he no longer has that hole if they are making an effort to improve their marriage. You can find healthy ways to meet your needs, and to fill that hole, as well.

 

Marriages ebb and flow. Just because its bad/stressed/boring now doesn't mean it will always be that way. Focus on your family and funnel that emotional investment that you had for MM into your family, your friends, your marriage.

[herself]

Thank YOU even that little bit of compassion helps so much.

I justified so many things, I am just as strong to blame in the way I believed we were protected and even very innocent because we were blanketed by a true friendship and we disnt mean for it to happen or to fall in love.

Really believed if I could just keep truly loving my husband with my whole heart which I do and did, that It wasn't so bad to have a private corner of my heart where I felt safe and beautiful and cherished.

Somehow believed it was very real and right & made me a happier better person.

 

I feel like a fool and worth less & gullible.

Its so lonely and sad, I dont know how people bounce back and heal when treated as such trash and loved and cherished one day, then seemingly hated and avoided the next and its just all gone. How can one turn so cold so fast?

[Rollercoaster Rider]

I feel like a fool and worth less & gullible.Its so lonely and sad, I dont know how people bounce back and heal when treated as such trash and loved and cherished one day, then seemingly hated and avoided the next and its just all gone. How can one turn so cold so fast?

 

I am asking myself the same questions... I think that's what really hurts the most. Even though I initiated the end... it still hurt to hear him say "I think we need to say Goodbye". As much as I thought I was ready..I don't think you every really are ready to end things. But the worst is the silence... and how you were once so important, but really never were... How can people just walk away like nothing? I wish I knew how...

[Rollercoaster Rider]

As Im trying to peice together what happened I have to wonder...

We always had chemistry but we always kept it at bay and were able to keep in under wraps in our communication.

 

When it really changed and went into overdrive and turned into a full blown EA was when he & his wife had kids. As the fog lifts, I see now...his wife was probably so busy wiith kids and not feeling like sex and tired he turned to me for that wanted feeling and those ego strokes and that playful, sexy interraction and attention he was missing.

 

And when he cut it off Im gonna guess he got hia sex life back on track as the kids were just hitting the one year mark so she probably got her body, energy, and balance back, then he was getting enough attention again then so he was all patched up & just didnt need me anymore, sound right?

 

Because before that he was almost clingy. So strong he came on, with I love you and miss you seemed like every 5 minutes. Constant worry about me if I was busy or answet short "are you ok"? Then just like overnight he switched it seemed.

I think when they aren't getting the attention they think they deserve... they look to fill the void. I know that's why I looked outside the marriage, and I don't have children.

[blue963]

Sometimes I think because we expect nothing or make allowances because of the situation we are looked at different from a man's perspective. I wonder if that makes us less valuable to them because we are kind, loving, accepting, and dont ask for much.

[herself]

I find it so disheartening how much they "love you" need you, reach out to you a million times saying the most amazing things that ANY woman would want to hear then in an instant, drop you ans demonize you, coldly moving on.

I mean, doesnt it feel bad at ALL. Dont THEY have a void.

The mind of a man is fascinating. That black and white linear in a box way of thinking while we put our whole heart and emotion in.

Also I find it intetesting no men commented even though subject line directed it at men.