perfectly_imperfect Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Im so confused on how things ended that its driving me crazy. I am the one who broke up with him (in heat of the moment) because i confronted him about something i found out he lied to me about, (yet again) we have been together 3 years and this is not the first time he has lied to me but after each time he always begs to get me back or cry to tell me he doesnt want to break up so i take him back only to be in the same situation. Well after i broke up with him this time, we actually got to talk and i told him breaking up is not what i want but if he cant be honest in a relationship then i dont need to keep getting hurt.so i gave him a simple question "do u want to be single or do u want to make this relationship work" ..he could not give me a CLEAR answer, he kept giving me vague answers (ex. I dont want to lose u) so i ended the conversation and the next day i asked him what does he want because i need to know clearly. He chose not to answer me..so i let him know that by him not responding speaks volumes & i took it as he doesnt care. Then 2 days later he called me i did not answer, then he texted me to say "goodnight i miss u" i did not respond. 1. Am i wrong for not responding? 2. And do u think because i did not respond he thinks im moving on and wont reach out to me again? 3. Does it sound like he is confused on what he wants or knows what he wants just doesnt want to break the news to me? 4. Should i reach out to him? Sorry for all of the questions just need some opinions :/
BDL Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 He lies because he's scared if he tells the truth that it might upset you. You have to create an environment for him where he feels its safe to talk to you without you being upset. You need to know how to make him feel safe.
Author perfectly_imperfect Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 But thats something we should be able to talk about in a relationship. Whenever i confront him he just runs and avoids dealing with the confrontation thinking the problem will go away. How am i suppose to make him feel safe if he cant communicate with me to begin with. When we broke up before we had that conversation i told him "whatever it is u have to tell me, just tell me no matter how mad or upset u think i may get..we need to be honest with eachother" He agreed. And this was after he begged for me to take him back (tears and flowers in hand) so why are we in this same situation smh.
FnlyFrei Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I have learned with my on again off again relationship that the BIG mistake I make is to let him decide....I don't want to lose him, so he gets away with being vague and childish and problems and issues are never really discussed..and we get back together and it all happens again. You are the one who can stop this vicious cycle....by knowing what you want and behaving in an assertive manner. I know I want him to be happy, I am a pleaser...but that sucks because no one respects you when you just fold to their whims. I am working on this too...and it is so simple..yet complicated.
Author perfectly_imperfect Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 I have learned with my on again off again relationship that the BIG mistake I make is to let him decide....I don't want to lose him, so he gets away with being vague and childish and problems and issues are never really discussed..and we get back together and it all happens again. You are the one who can stop this vicious cycle....by knowing what you want and behaving in an assertive manner. I know I want him to be happy, I am a pleaser...but that sucks because no one respects you when you just fold to their whims. I am working on this too...and it is so simple..yet complicated. Yes i know exactly what u mean...its so frustrating. In ur honest opinion what do u think i should do in my situation? Do i reach out to him? Do i wait? Im just so confused because the words never came out of his mouth that he doesnt want to work it out, he basically said nothing. (If he wanted me gone wouldnt he make that clear?) but what if when he called he wanted to talk about the situation but i ignored ? Its just driving me crazy
FnlyFrei Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Well, you seem to be waiting for him to decide everything. Behave as if his non-committal answer means you should move on. He knows you are holding your breath waiting for him...and he is using that to keep you where he wants you. (I speak from experience !) I remember a while back I bought tickets to a Daft Punk cover band...my boyfriend and I love to go to shows and live music. He broke up with me a few weeks before the concert. SO..I invited someone else. When he decided that I wasn't giving him enough attention, and pining over him...and he wanted to get back together...he asked about the concert. I told him that I had already invited someone else. That REALLY chapped his hide...but it also showed him that just because he was being childish and wishy-washy..that I wasn't going to sit there and wait for him. It is kind of like dealing with a spoiled child....who hopes you keep patting him on the head. He is a grown up...so the CONSEQUENCE of not manning up and making a decision...is that he is the one who loses out. NOT YOU ! Quit putting yourself last to placate someone who is manipulating and controlling you. Decide what you want...and if he isn't on board...leave him behind ! Put yourself first for a change. You will command more respect. And you will be happier too...
Author perfectly_imperfect Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Thank u for the advice. Its so hard to not think about though. I just dont understand how a person could be so cold. I wouldnt be so hurt if he had the guts to actually keep it honest with me and tell me "i think we need to break up" but the fact that he cant even say anything to me, just leaving me in the dark is what hurts the most. Even after the many times i took him back for the same reason. He does it to me yet again. I feel like im not even worth anything. Like hes X'ing me out his life when we were fine just last week.
Sasukie Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 You could do that, you could choose to leave and make him try to change to "win you back" but that will probably kill your relationship, break it to the point of no return. I think the most important thing to know is what did he lie to you about? I'm a guy and I've faced something like this similar before. If he cheated and lied to you, I would say dump his a$$ because loyalty is one of the most important factors holding a relationship. If he does it once, he can do it again. However if it has to do with something related to him "holding" back information from you because it might hurt you, I think you should consider one thing. Is he holding this info back because he's afraid it will hurt you? My ex gf told me to be straight forward with her and not hold back even when it might hurt her. I believed her and it still hurt her too much even though it was necessary to know.
Sasukie Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Btw I think it's kinda lame that you told him to pick what he wants, and he won't answer. He's seems kinda weak and needs to grow some balls...you either love someone or you don't. Either way if you're in your 20s and **** like this is going down, it ain't going to hold out till you marry. Also another point, I wouldn't recommend giving him anymore time to think about things. I would just say decide, if he can't decide, he ain't worth it. Had the same thing happen to me, I cared about my ex gf, she asked me for time to decide whether she loves me or not. Guess what she did for 2 weeks, and I'll give you a hint, it wasn't trying to "love" me.
FnlyFrei Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 It sounds like he is pretty insecure, and doesn't even know what he really wants...so how can he tell you for sure? All too familiar to me unfortunately. I guess it is a sign this person is emotionally immature...and it is so easy to sink to that level with them, even though you know that you are above it. It is ultimately how you react. Don't take him back. You aren't his mommy...so why is he acting like a rebellious child ? I don't see why some people want to be in a relationship when they obviously aren't equipped for one yet. Seems like you are the mature and patient one. Too patient. You must take care of yourself.
Author perfectly_imperfect Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) You could do that, you could choose to leave and make him try to change to "win you back" but that will probably kill your relationship, break it to the point of no return. I think the most important thing to know is what did he lie to you about? I'm a guy and I've faced something like this similar before. If he cheated and lied to you, I would say dump his a$$ because loyalty is one of the most important factors holding a relationship. If he does it once, he can do it again. However if it has to do with something related to him "holding" back information from you because it might hurt you, I think you should consider one thing. Is he holding this info back because he's afraid it will hurt you? My ex gf told me to be straight forward with her and not hold back even when it might hurt her. I believed her and it still hurt her too much even though it was necessary to know. He didnt cheat on me (that i know of smh) what he lied about was him being at another girls house. Now he knows that i dont like this particular girl, mainly because when we were broken up before she tried to get her best friend hooked up with him. (He told me this when we got back together) and i knew this girl for years, we were friends at one point until i found out what she was trying to do. She knew of our relationship so for her to try and hook up her best friend with him but still try to be my friend. I just completely cut her off. So i know for a fact her best friend was at her house that day. So if nothing went on why did he feel the need to lie about being there? If he wants to have female friends he can i have no problem with it. I have a problem being lied to, so because i confronted him he said i was over reacting. He said he wasnt there alone and he did not stay the whole night. But when i previously asked him if he has ever "chilled" with any of them recently he said no, & i believed him. So why do i find out now it was a lie? I dont think he would be okay with me if he found out i was at anothers guys house who tried to hook up with me, so i dont know why he thinks that is okay. Edited January 12, 2014 by perfectly_imperfect
Author perfectly_imperfect Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Btw I think it's kinda lame that you told him to pick what he wants, and he won't answer. He's seems kinda weak and needs to grow some balls...you either love someone or you don't. Either way if you're in your 20s and **** like this is going down, it ain't going to hold out till you marry. Also another point, I wouldn't recommend giving him anymore time to think about things. I would just say decide, if he can't decide, he ain't worth it. Had the same thing happen to me, I cared about my ex gf, she asked me for time to decide whether she loves me or not. Guess what she did for 2 weeks, and I'll give you a hint, it wasn't trying to "love" me. But thats the thing when i ask him if he loves me he answers he says yes and that he doesnt want to lose me and im the only person he wants to marry and have a family with. But when i ask him to give me an answer on what he wants NOW he just avoids answering. If he didnt want anything to do with me wouldnt he just let me know up front so i would leave him alone instead of saying things like that? I never doubted he didnt love me i know he does, otherwise why wpuld he always come back in tears for me?
Author perfectly_imperfect Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 It sounds like he is pretty insecure, and doesn't even know what he really wants...so how can he tell you for sure? All too familiar to me unfortunately. I guess it is a sign this person is emotionally immature...and it is so easy to sink to that level with them, even though you know that you are above it. It is ultimately how you react. Don't take him back. You aren't his mommy...so why is he acting like a rebellious child ? I don't see why some people want to be in a relationship when they obviously aren't equipped for one yet. Seems like you are the mature and patient one. Too patient. You must take care of yourself. I knew i should have been let go, thats really the only thing i regret. I blame myself for being put in this situation Again. Its a pattern with him, and it seems he will never change no matter how much he says he has. Its really hitting me now because i know its really over, it just sucks i have to continue on never knowing why he couldnt be a man about this whole situation, after all that we have been through and all he has put me through :/
Sasukie Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Why are you feeling sad about this? I know it'll suck for a week or so, but from the way you voice your discontent, he's clearly not what you want or need right now. It wasn't cool that he wasn't up front with you about that girl scenario. I believe in this, treat people how you want to be treated. If you aren't upfront about going to another girl's house, you're firstly disrespecting your significant other, and two. you're setting yourself up for misunderstandings. Clearly its both. And by the way, those "I love you, you're the only one i want in my love" are trash sentences and empty words. Anyone can throw them out there. I could say the same thing to you and not mean a word of it. Believe me, once you break up and lets say he finds another girl, those words won't come out of his mouth and you'll bring them up to them. "I thought you said I was the only one!". Him: "Well things change, life has changed". As per Aizen from Bleach : The strong don't rely on others. They rely only on themselves. Move on - for an average joe like me, looking at his actions is enough to tell me he doesn't show a consistent behaviour of a proper man.
Author perfectly_imperfect Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Im sad because it hurts & because i just dont understand. If i actually knew what he was thinking (meaning if he could let me have closure in telling me he thinks we should break up for whatever reason) then it wouldn't hurt as much but for him to just ignore me like we didnt just spend the past 3 years together, hes treating me like some random girl
Author perfectly_imperfect Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Anyone else's opinions/thoughts? Im so tempted to just call him to get closure , i know its only been a few days but i cant imagine going on for Months with this on my mind ..i think it would make me feel better idk
Author perfectly_imperfect Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Does anyone think i should text or call him?
sw2020 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 If you chase after him now you will simply reinforce his terrible behaviour.
Author perfectly_imperfect Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 So should i ignore him? What if he never reaches out? Do we just move on with no understanding between us? I mean i spent 3 years with him and to just walk away like i dont care hurts
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