inappfriendly Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I have been thinking about my exAP a lot lately. Obviously. I think for a while after NC my mind went on auto-pilot fueled by some secret hope that he would find a way to contact me. Not to start the A over but to properly close the chapter on what we shared. So much time has gone by that I am now certain that will never happen and as hypocritical as it sounds, I respect his commitment to his family enough not to make any waves by contacting him. Even on my worst days, when I am mad and sad and feeling just plain bad, I don't hate him or even our time together. I believe it was destined to happen and despite the hurt all around that it caused, I don't regret a moment I spent with him. It WAS special. To me at least. The single regret I have is not saying good-bye. It was always inevitable that our time together would be limited. I wish I could have seen it for the beautifully tragic love affair that it was, destined to end, yet be forever etched into my heart. I wonder if I had had the courage to acknowledge and accept the end, if I would be in a better place now emotionally. I would like to hear some of your experiences, good or bad, with closure. Is this normal-ish? Is there really such a thing as a proper ending to an improper affair?
MissBee Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I have been thinking about my exAP a lot lately. Obviously. I think for a while after NC my mind went on auto-pilot fueled by some secret hope that he would find a way to contact me. Not to start the A over but to properly close the chapter on what we shared. So much time has gone by that I am now certain that will never happen and as hypocritical as it sounds, I respect his commitment to his family enough not to make any waves by contacting him. Even on my worst days, when I am mad and sad and feeling just plain bad, I don't hate him or even our time together. I believe it was destined to happen and despite the hurt all around that it caused, I don't regret a moment I spent with him. It WAS special. To me at least. The single regret I have is not saying good-bye. It was always inevitable that our time together would be limited. I wish I could have seen it for the beautifully tragic love affair that it was, destined to end, yet be forever etched into my heart. I wonder if I had had the courage to acknowledge and accept the end, if I would be in a better place now emotionally. I would like to hear some of your experiences, good or bad, with closure. Is this normal-ish? Is there really such a thing as a proper ending to an improper affair? Ideally everyone wants "closure" in the form of things being wrapped up in a neat amicable bow. Shed some tears, have a heartfelt convo, hug and then you each go your separate ways ----then there is reality, and esp with affairs, it often does not end like a Hollywood romance movie. I think closure often comes with time. How long has it been for you? I remember with the A we had decided to end it several times and "be friends", until the final time he initiated NC out of the blue and I felt devastated (even though we had agreed, well I esp pushed for it to end). I wanted closure really badly. I wanted a long conversation or email etc and it didn't come. However, I did send him an email getting out all my feelings, which he never responded to and that was my closure. I was able to move on, get a new boyfriend and all of that and only had mild curiosity about him and his "disappearance." A year later when I didn't care and was actually going through a break up with my new boyfriend was when he popped up on my birthday, sending me a card and with an email explaining himself and why he disappeared and how he never stopped loving me and so on. It was funny how a year before it would have been everything (and probably not, as I might have still not accepted it and still had more and more questions) but at that moment I was like "Nice to know but whatever!" I experienced similar with another ex in terms of no closure and thinking I wouldn't be able to move on without him doing just the right thing and us saying just the right thing...but I did. Ideally things ending amicably and where everyone has a chance to say their piece is nice, but lots of times it doesn't happen or you actually don't want it to end so all you do is prolong things by continuous attempts at "closure." Yet, with time you make peace with it and it no longer is this huuge chasm and hole as it feels like in the beginning. 2
Lady2163 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I respect his commitment to his family enough not to make any waves by contacting him. When my LC to almost NC happens, I'm going to write that on 100 stickies and put them all over my house. Thanks for that. 1
Cocochai Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Now I think I know why A's are harder to get over.. The closer of it. Whether it was a good or bad closer... You'll never truly be able to end it the way you want to. Dday is hard when they disappear NC is hard when you truly never wanted to let go but had to And when the MM or MW breaks if off to save the M it's for the best, but still hard to swallow. 1
EverySunset Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 My heart goes out to you. It DID end. I don't believe in closure, its a myth IMHO. I do believe and understand in how hard letting go can be. Especially when we have been so programmed to feel like we need a closure-inspiring event to happen in order for us to be able to let go. All the space between "goodbye" and "its ok, we'll be ok" is hard. Painful It doesn't have to be though. After an especially drawn out and ugly end to my relationship, I realized that the only person who has to say it is ok is me. I will be ok. I know what happened and my own reflection on the matter is truly all that counts. While I do care how the other person felt, how they feel about it now has absolutely no bearing on how I move forward. If it did, we'd still be together. The fact that we are not only reinforces how I have to address myself and only myself as I heal. I am healing for myself. I don't need anyone else to do that. Especially not a partner who chose to walk away. 2
Nothisgirl Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 My heart goes out to you. It DID end. I don't believe in closure, its a myth IMHO. I do believe and understand in how hard letting go can be. Especially when we have been so programmed to feel like we need a closure-inspiring event to happen in order for us to be able to let go. All the space between "goodbye" and "its ok, we'll be ok" is hard. Painful It doesn't have to be though. After an especially drawn out and ugly end to my relationship, I realized that the only person who has to say it is ok is me. I will be ok. I know what happened and my own reflection on the matter is truly all that counts. While I do care how the other person felt, how they feel about it now has absolutely no bearing on how I move forward. If it did, we'd still be together. The fact that we are not only reinforces how I have to address myself and only myself as I heal. I am healing for myself. I don't need anyone else to do that. Especially not a partner who chose to walk away. Probably one of the most helpful posts I've read... Ty
nicepuzzle Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 First time I moved on without a closure. He simply shut down without a word. He popped up after 6 year and did it again. This time I wasn't going to move on until taught him a good lession so told everything to his wife. That was my closure and I am doing great. He will deal with and look for answers like the way I did. I was thinking it was true love and special but it was than I would have got a nice amicable bye or an apology from him. He was an opportunist making me believe that it was love. And not every time someone gets away that easily. I believe that dumped person looks for closure and second time I dumped him with a lot of nuclear waste to deal with. After first time I questioned things for so long now its his turn. Sorry I am not bitter but only fair.
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