malxme Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 So over a year ago I went thorugh a really bad break up (he left me), and it took a long time to start to feel normal again. I didn't think I'd meet anyone else but a few months ago I did, and I started a new relationship. I was still dealing with my previous break up (there was ALOT of betrayal of trust, low self esteem etc), which I warned my new bf about and he promised he understood and wanted to help 'heal me'. Unfortunately about 2 months into this new relationship, he dumped me. No explanation, just turned up at my house to pick up his things. The trouble was we worked together, so 2 days later I had to face him at work. But I did my best and put on my best smile, said hello to him, acted like I was fine, when really i was just gutted (it may have been a very short relationship, but I had very strong feelings for him and we spent ALOT of time together). But I couldn't always keep up the act, sometimes I'd have to leave the room when he was there, or I'd get drunk with work mates (I worked at a bar) and bring it up (Stupid, stupid, stupid). He started to get nasty at work, refusing to speak to me about anything work related, if he made any special drinks for everybody at work he'd make sure i was the only one without one etc etc. Just small petty things, but they really upset me. I tried to facebook message him, asking if we could please try to just get along at work, because people were complaining that it was too awkward at work, and i got no response and he blocked me. I still hadnt gotten any closure from him. He never told me why he left me, when just days before it happened he'd told me I was 'amazing' and he was 'crazy about me'. All I got was random details from workmates that he'd told people. I was too emotional about my ex and brought him up too much. SO I wrote him a letter saying I was sorry, explaining that I had been through a lot and was still learning how to deal with it. I also said that had he tried to talk to me about it and said it was bothering him, I would have tried to stop all of that. But he said nothing, kept being nasty to me and refusing to speak to me. So long story short, after a few weeks of this I just couldn't take anymore. I quit my job and moved to a different city. I was just crushed, embarrassed (because everybody at work knew everything), and very very sad. But the point of all this, is its been like 2 months now and I'm still really upset about this. I still miss him, think about him every single day. When we still worked together, I used to have little sad fantasies in my head about him, eg if he finished work before me and stayed around for hours I'd hope that maybe he was waiting so he could see me (like he used to do), but then when he'd get up and leave I'd get really sad and feels silly. So it felt like leaving my job just had to happen, otherwise I'd never let it go. But why do I STILL care? Why do I still want him, after he treated me so nastily? I just don't understand, especially since we weren't together that long. I wasn't in love with him, but I was pretty crazy about him and thought he was amazing and suuuuper attractive... Any thoughts on why my head is so screwed up? How do I let this go? I have a very limited social life (very few friends), so meeting somebody new to forget about him seems pretty unlikely.... Any suggestions??
Mondmellonw Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 You are the one who should work on your self esteem. You can't go and put these conditions to another person, to make them try to fix what you should fix by yourself. Learn how to be independent. Be happy with yourself, with who you are, with your goals, and when you over come this issue, you'll be able to be with someone else. 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Because his behaviour was despicable and extremely cruel. Frankly, in your shoes, I would have filed a complaint. But he's never apologised or justified his behaviour, so your good emotions are tarnished by his abominable attitude, and you feel as if an enormous injustice has taken place. He made you suffer - and you're still suffering, because you got no closure. sadly, the only one who can give you closure - is you. It may hurt to hear this, but you're still carrying this around - because you're letting it consume you. You're snowballing, and it's perpetuating an existing state of distress, by you loading thought after thought on top of it. Investigate getting counselling. And find something you truly love doing outside work - whether it's cooking or rock-climbing - and throw yourself lucratively into doing it more. 1
Author malxme Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 You are the one who should work on your self esteem. You can't go and put these conditions to another person, to make them try to fix what you should fix by yourself. Learn how to be independent. Be happy with yourself, with who you are, with your goals, and when you over come this issue, you'll be able to be with someone else. I never said I tried to make him fix me? What I said was I warned him I was still working through alot of my issues, and HE said he wanted to help me deal with my problems. I was unsure if I was ready to be in a new relationship and I told him the reasons why, which is when he said he wanted to 'help me heal'. I put no conditions on him, I simply decided it was better to be honest about why it took me a little while to trust him. 1
Author malxme Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Because his behaviour was despicable and extremely cruel. Frankly, in your shoes, I would have filed a complaint. I Did think his behaviour was pretty shocking, but as he was younger I thought that maybe this was just how he dealt with his emotions Hence why I made no complaint. Besides, I knew it was a risk to get involved with a work mate, so I felt that because I'd taken that risk I just had to live with the consequences. As for giving myself closure, I have a friends birthday to go to in a few weeks and I'm fairly certain my ex will be there. I plan to get all dressed up and pretty, and just go have a great time, and not even worry about him being there. The only thing I'm not sure on is whether I regard him at all (meaning say hello, nothing more), or pretend he is completely invisible. I feel like ignoring him wouldn't be helpful at all, but I'm not sure if saying hi to him is wise either. Tough call..
Mondmellonw Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Okay, I'm sorry. What I was trying to explain is that I think you should avoid sharing this kind of stuff, because you'll never know the person you are with. In this case, he wasn't willing to stay with you. You were honest, perhaps he was just an idiot. My advice to you is still to work on your self esteem. It seems you have a caring nature, so if you work on this, you'll have a bright future with love related stuff.
LostConfused123 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I feel your pain OP. Something similar happened to me once. It was like BAM one after another. All I can say is you will get past it and it does get easier. Sorry you're going through this. You can message me anytime if that helps. I know how you feel. . . IT'S NOT YOU!!!! Not at all. it's them. And whether it was a brief relationship or not, you really liked him and he still hurt you for no good reason and that's not okay! Stay strong!! ((hugs!!))
pickflicker Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 So over a year ago I went thorugh a really bad break up (he left me), and it took a long time to start to feel normal again. I didn't think I'd meet anyone else but a few months ago I did, and I started a new relationship. I was still dealing with my previous break up (there was ALOT of betrayal of trust, low self esteem etc), which I warned my new bf about and he promised he understood and wanted to help 'heal me'. Unfortunately about 2 months into this new relationship, he dumped me. No explanation, just turned up at my house to pick up his things. The trouble was we worked together, so 2 days later I had to face him at work. But I did my best and put on my best smile, said hello to him, acted like I was fine, when really i was just gutted (it may have been a very short relationship, but I had very strong feelings for him and we spent ALOT of time together). But I couldn't always keep up the act, sometimes I'd have to leave the room when he was there, or I'd get drunk with work mates (I worked at a bar) and bring it up (Stupid, stupid, stupid). He started to get nasty at work, refusing to speak to me about anything work related, if he made any special drinks for everybody at work he'd make sure i was the only one without one etc etc. Just small petty things, but they really upset me. I tried to facebook message him, asking if we could please try to just get along at work, because people were complaining that it was too awkward at work, and i got no response and he blocked me. I still hadnt gotten any closure from him. He never told me why he left me, when just days before it happened he'd told me I was 'amazing' and he was 'crazy about me'. All I got was random details from workmates that he'd told people. I was too emotional about my ex and brought him up too much. SO I wrote him a letter saying I was sorry, explaining that I had been through a lot and was still learning how to deal with it. I also said that had he tried to talk to me about it and said it was bothering him, I would have tried to stop all of that. But he said nothing, kept being nasty to me and refusing to speak to me. So long story short, after a few weeks of this I just couldn't take anymore. I quit my job and moved to a different city. I was just crushed, embarrassed (because everybody at work knew everything), and very very sad. But the point of all this, is its been like 2 months now and I'm still really upset about this. I still miss him, think about him every single day. When we still worked together, I used to have little sad fantasies in my head about him, eg if he finished work before me and stayed around for hours I'd hope that maybe he was waiting so he could see me (like he used to do), but then when he'd get up and leave I'd get really sad and feels silly. So it felt like leaving my job just had to happen, otherwise I'd never let it go. But why do I STILL care? Why do I still want him, after he treated me so nastily? I just don't understand, especially since we weren't together that long. I wasn't in love with him, but I was pretty crazy about him and thought he was amazing and suuuuper attractive... Any thoughts on why my head is so screwed up? How do I let this go? I have a very limited social life (very few friends), so meeting somebody new to forget about him seems pretty unlikely.... Any suggestions?? Meeting people isn't difficult, you have to put yourself out there.
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