sybo24 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Mine has been a long story but short story is after the 4 years with married man his wife finally told him to leave in August 2013. He had left 3 times before but always gone back. Anyway I have finally got my man. Wrong, what I have is a very complicated relationship with someone who I love. Previously when he left his wife and children our time together had been good. He always went back for the sake of his children who are 23 and 18. This time his children want nothing to do with him and until they do our relationship is not very good. I am not blaming or criticizing his children they are very hurt by the person who they loved and cant forgive him for hurting them and their mother so much. He has tried so hard to see them and talk to them without any success. He wants to try and explain his side of the story to them. Uhe is speaking to his children again, he wont have anything to do with my children (who live with me) and we don't have plans together other than seeing each other the night my kids go their dads. NOt sure what I am trying to say other than life on the other side of an affair is very difficult and trying. The affair bubble certainly exists and reality is an uncertain time. I really thought that we would spend more time together not less and that we could finally start doing the things we had planned and discussed. When I speak to MM about this he says that we just need time to adjust. Me I just feel like I am still a mistress except now he doesn't make such an effort to speak to me or see me as much as we used too. Sorry I just had to come back as this site has been a great source of information and comfort over the last few years.
happy stillmore Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I would put my foot down and tell him that you won't settle for this. It is all our nothing. Either make a life with me, where we BOTH deal with the combined families together or you are not in each other's life at all. Right now, you are still the OW. It is still obvious that he isn't making you his partner in the eyes of his family. He is still playing both sides, trying to please his children and you. Crumbs to you when it is convenient. I'm sorry. If I were you, I would make him choose whether he is going to be a full-time partner. 1
MissBee Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Sybo I see so much wrong here. First: this man didn't leave of his own volition with a plan because he loved you and wanted to make a life with you. He was kicked out by his wife who was tired of his nonsense. I wouldn't at all feel comfortable or secure in such a scenario where my S/O made no plans and choice of their own but were forced out. Second: He has left three times before and all the times went back for his children allegedly, who are not little children but adults. Now, I do think, and as he is experiencing, that young adults will be hurt by this but at their ages it is not as though he needs to be at home with their mom! I mean I assume they go to college or are heading there or the 23 year old just graduated college or have jobs (even if they live at home). So it isn't really a viable excuse as it would be with underage children. Third: He is treating you poorly and like a mistress and isn't at all making things easier for you. He is only concerned about his own pain and his own life, which goes back to the first point. I think if he wasn't kicked out and had genuinely planned to be with you then he would have prepared himself and wouldn't be aimlessly wandering and taking his anger out on you. Give him his time to adjust and make the onus be on on him to initiate things with you and keep you updated but be clear on what you need and will and won't tolerate. I wouldn't push for him to have any kind of relationship with your children as he is not a stable fixture in your life as yet. Prepare yourself for this possibly not working out though. But even so, you will be A-ok. 5
Speakingofwhich Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Sorry I just had to come back as this site has been a great source of information and comfort over the last few years. I'm sorry to read about what you're going through, sybo. It sounds as if things are very difficult for you right now. With what you've written about MM, now your bf, it seems to me as if he might be going through depression induced by the break in his R with his children. Since he said he needs time to adjust possibly that's what it will take, time, to get back into a normal R pattern with you. Was he comfortable around your children before he and W split up this time? And did he interact normally with them? If so, possibly being around your children is a reminder that his own children won't speak to him and it's hard for him to handle. Although he's not spending much time with you now, at least he hasn't shut you out completely. If I were you I'd probably just give him some time and try to be understanding with him. Try to imagine what it would be like for you to go through a big life change and on top of that have your children not speaking to you, too. Although it seems from what you've written that he's wanted to be out of his M for awhile, there's a difference in leaving a M of one's own accord and having your BS ask you to leave. So that at this point he may feel he has no control over some of his closest Rs, which he's had control over for more than 23 years. Doesn't mean he wants to be back in his M. Just that for the first time W does not want him there. I repeat the concept that it's not necessarily that he wants to be with her. But, rather, it could be that he's having to adjust to a lack of control that he's always had before now with his family. I can understand where that might be very unsettling. Before they all wanted him there. Now no one does. He does need to adjust to the new normal. Just love him through this as much as he'll allow you to. Calm, steady, loving, just what you'd want from him if the tables were turned. What else can you do? If you make demands on him that he's not emotionally able to fulfill, then where does that get you? Try to surround yourself with family and friends who give you love and support, too. This season won't last forever and as you make it through together you'll come out stronger on the other side!
Author sybo24 Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 for your responses. Update is that I have ended our relationship. I have finally come to the conclusion that I have wasted too much time waiting for him make me part of his life. Recently he found out that his EX wife has run up thousands of pounds in debt in his name. All he was talking about was his future had been ruined and he couldn't afford to now get a place of his own Never when he spoke did he mention me or our future together. I would have helped him with this but his mind was purely on himself. I ask him how much longer he wanted me to wait and he couldn't give me an answer. My time with him is up. This was a week ago and now I feel good about my decision to end things. I don't have regrets for my time with him (4 years) but I finally have seen him as the person he is. He really hasn't got strength to do the right thing, I should have seen that after the many times he has left and gone backt o his EX. I do have to thank him for showing me that there is someone out there who will love completely and in the right way. HE showed me that I was worth being loved and that whoever gets me will be lucky. I may not be back here again and I wish everyone who is in the same situation to be strong and hope they get what they wish for . 1
Ruffian1 Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Recently he found out that his EX wife has run up thousands of pounds in debt in his name. All he was talking about was his future had been ruined and he couldn't afford to now get a place of his own Wow. Do you think she did this to get revenge on him?
blue963 Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 No I think she did this to do right for herself.
Popsicle Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 He's trying to mend his relationship with his kids. Let him do it. If I were you, I'd not see him as much or maybe never. He needs time without you to take care of his obligations and rightfully so. Hopefully he will come to you once that's done. Or maybe not. You have to let him do what he has to do, and not let him get settled on a half relationship with you.
krazikat Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Sybo I see so much wrong here. First: this man didn't leave of his own volition with a plan because he loved you and wanted to make a life with you. He was kicked out by his wife who was tired of his nonsense. I wouldn't at all feel comfortable or secure in such a scenario where my S/O made no plans and choice of their own but were forced out. Second: He has left three times before and all the times went back for his children allegedly, who are not little children but adults. Now, I do think, and as he is experiencing, that young adults will be hurt by this but at their ages it is not as though he needs to be at home with their mom! I mean I assume they go to college or are heading there or the 23 year old just graduated college or have jobs (even if they live at home). So it isn't really a viable excuse as it would be with underage children. Third: He is treating you poorly and like a mistress and isn't at all making things easier for you. He is only concerned about his own pain and his own life, which goes back to the first point. I think if he wasn't kicked out and had genuinely planned to be with you then he would have prepared himself and wouldn't be aimlessly wandering and taking his anger out on you. Give him his time to adjust and make the onus be on on him to initiate things with you and keep you updated but be clear on what you need and will and won't tolerate. I wouldn't push for him to have any kind of relationship with your children as he is not a stable fixture in your life as yet. Prepare yourself for this possibly not working out though. But even so, you will be A-ok. ^^^^ This. Thanks Miss Been for saving my writing time...my thumbs especially thank you, lol. Op, this makes me feel sad for you. You have been patient with this man, you have been there for him. You have loves him. You have likely dedicated yourself to him. And here is is, kicked out by his wife, and still not being real with you. When I was a teenager I was in a bad relationship. I knew I needed to break up with this dude, but I kept feeling bad for him...he was such a manipulative butthole. His mother said something that stuck with me: Women are nurtureres.(sp) When we invest our time and energy into something we want to see or through. When we love we are passionate and don't want to let go. We don't want to fail. But baby, sometimes staying is what causes you to fail. So.figure out if you are willing to accept this treatment for this man. What would you tell a good friend if they came to you asking for advice with a similar situation? This is not a situation where your man came to you. His wife forced his hand. He may even resent you as he tried to deflect blame away from himself. Just protect and take care of yourself. And curb him. 1
Author sybo24 Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 He's trying to mend his relationship with his kids. Let him do it. If I were you, I'd not see him as much or maybe never. He needs time without you to take care of his obligations and rightfully so. Hopefully he will come to you once that's done. Or maybe not. You have to let him do what he has to do, and not let him get settled on a half relationship with you. That's exactly what I am doing. Last time we got together I told him to get things sorted with his Ex and children then come to me when he was ready. Stupidly I gave in to his requests to meet, talk, have a cup of tea, what ever he asked and now I am paying the price for not sticking to my guns. I have always backed him with his children and doing right by his wife. He has given her the house and offered to pay all her debts. He has made a mistake (ME) and has tried everything to make things easier for his ex and children. But I have finally realised that I love myself more than I love him and I need for my own happiness to move on from him. Sometimes love just isn't enough!!
Author sybo24 Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Wow. Do you think she did this to get revenge on him? Oh Yes, This is a woman who is a financial adviser but has massive debts that he was unaware of. I know she has be aware of me for a long time and I think in all honesty has built up a nice sum of money but telling him is debts. He hasn't seen any paper work to back up the alleged debts. I don't blame her but I know now that I don't want to be part of it any more. I have learnt my lesson, never fall in love for a married man it will NEVER end happily for anyone.
Author sybo24 Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 ^^^^ Women are nurtureres.(sp) When we invest our time and energy into something we want to see or through. When we love we are passionate and don't want to let go. We don't want to fail. But baby, sometimes staying is what causes you to fail. A very wise woman. 2
kalimata Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Did you really think that after 3 times of returning to his wife that he would suddenly drop everything and come to you? WAKE UP!!! Drop him like a sack of potatoes and move on with your life. There are plenty of other men out there for you. Find someone who is single and without the baggage.
Author sybo24 Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Did you really think that after 3 times of returning to his wife that he would suddenly drop everything and come to you? WAKE UP!!! Drop him like a sack of potatoes and move on with your life. There are plenty of other men out there for you. Find someone who is single and without the baggage. Its taken me 4 years but yes I have dropped him and am moving on with my life. Lesson learned.
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