savethedrama4allama Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I went out with my bf and a bunch of our friends this weekend. We closed out the bar and he took me home, I had a cold and wasn't feeling well. After dropping me off, he headed off to party at another friend's house (this is at 3am). At least he told me about it, but I felt like some baggage that he had to dump at home before he could continue his fun. What do you think? If your girlfriend doesn't feel well, do you think its appropriate to drop her off and continue partying at 3am? I can't figure out what exactly made me feel crappy about this, it just did.
Pocky Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 If this were something he did on a regular basis I think I'd be bothered by it. However, if this was a one time thing and he just wasn't ready to go home and wanted to hang out more then it's not such a bad thing. He could have stayed home with you, but you'd probably just go to sleep and he'd be up sitting around the house with nothing to do.
savethedrama4allama Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 thanks, pocky. Its not a normal occurance, but that may be because I am always game for going wherever, whenever. If I didn't have a cold, I would have been going with him. Its not like I'm not invited- he always wants me to come along. But if I don't want to or can't for whatever reason, he won't refrain from going. If it were me and he was sick, at 3 am I would have just called it a night. Thats what makes me feel sad about it.
tiki Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I think my mr wonderful ( ) would've stayed at home with me no doubt. Because he wouldn't want me doing that to him. We are very clear on what our expectations are in the relationship. It works pretty well, I'd say. But we may just be two sickos, bound and determined to be with one another only...but we get our jollies off on it.
savethedrama4allama Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 We don't live together though...that makes a difference I'm sure...
tiki Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Ooohhh. We didn't live together either, he spent the night a few nights a week when my son was with his father. But he was there all the time, every day. It sucked him leaving at night...glad that's over. Anyway, yeah, it probably is different. But I'd still expect him to either take care of me or be at home, not at a party. It's asking for trouble, eh?
savethedrama4allama Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 He doesn't get why it bothered me, and frankly I don't understand it myself 100%. Thats why I was hoping to get some feedback, maybe I could figure out why it bugged me or maybe that I'm just expecting too much or that I'm too controlling. He went to our friend's house, I know the people who were there, its not like I think he was up to no good, but I feel left out. Like I said, I think its because I would have called it a night at that point and I want him to do the same for me, but I'm not sure why I would have called it a night. Damn, I'm confusing myself.
tiki Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Have you asked him how he'd feel if you had done that to him? Role reversal always works for mr wonderful ( - okay, I'm stopping now) and I. It really puts things into perspective.
savethedrama4allama Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Oh yeah, thats one of my favorite methods- the old role reversal. He said that it would not bother him one bit.
tiki Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama He said that it would not bother him one bit. Then prove it to him. It probably would bother him.
Pocky Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Honestly, I don't see anything for you to be upset about. If he did this all the time or had even done this several times then I think I would be bothered by it, but I'm sure he's taken care of you before when you've been sick. You were sick and it was 3 am. All you were going to do is go to sleep. What was there for him to really do for you anyway? So since you're sick and you wanted to go home he had to end is night to and go home and go to sleep even though he wanted to spend more time with his friends? If he's never taken care of you before then maybe I'd say he could have been a little more comforting and considered your needs, but if he has, then I'd say maybe you're being a little selfish? I dated a guy for five years that went out a few times when I was home sick. It didn't bother me too much - I was a little jealous that he was having fun while I was home sick, but I was happy that he was out having such a good time. No reason for him sit home with me while I was miserable and only wanted to sleep.
savethedrama4allama Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 tiki- yeah, i'm gonna run this one on him sometime and see. pocky- yeah, point taken, definitely. Yesterday he was concerned that I wasn't eating enough with my cold, and offered to pick up mcdonald's for both of us and bring it to my house. I thought it was a nice way to show that he was trying to care for me. Well he gets to my house, and low and behold he forgot to order MY food. All his food was there, and an apple pie for my mom- but my food had never been ordered. Added a little insult to injury.
tiki Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama Yesterday he was concerned that I wasn't eating enough with my cold, and offered to pick up mcdonald's for both of us and bring it to my house. I thought it was a nice way to show that he was trying to care for me. Well he gets to my house, and low and behold he forgot to order MY food. All his food was there, and an apple pie for my mom- but my food had never been ordered. Added a little insult to injury. No! Flippin! Way!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG, that's so not right. I can't stand boyfriends that are so possessed with making things right for my mom that they overlook ME! WTF?!!? He wouldn' tbe there if it weren't for YOU!
savethedrama4allama Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Yeah, then he's like "do you want me to go back out and get your food?" and I said no, forget about it. He didn't fight that at all. He should have gone to get my damn food since he forgot it in the first place, I think. Its not like I have some terminal illness, its just a cold...but ya know. I'm also freaking out b/c psycho has a class the same time as him on monday nights starting tonight (a friend in the same program as her told me, but my bf doesn't know it). Its in the same wing of the same tiny private university. That probably has something to do with all of this. I'm agitated because I want to know that he's not going talk to her if he runs into her (as he promised) but I'll never know unless I debase myself by stalking him. Our trust is definitely being put to the test this semester.
tiki Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Oh geeze....can he rearrange his schedule or just take a different class? I'm sure he doesn't like tatooed forearms, if that makes you feel any better.
tiki Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 ...and P.S., he should've went back and got your food. Or let you eat your momma's apple pie.
savethedrama4allama Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 He has to have this class, and he's almost done so it has to be this semester as far as I know. Besides, out of principle I don't want the beast to have him running. I haven't breathed a word to him about it because I want to see if he'll be honest to me and tell me that he saw her. I'm thinking they'll have to run into each other at some point, since there are very few night classes anyway. I really wish I had little eyeballs in the hallway of that place. I dunno, maybe I should tell him so that he can make sure she isn't following him home from class or something? He's broken promises to me to be "mr nice guy" to someone else before. I hope that if she confronts him, he won't feel the need to be mr wonderful (haha) to her, but to me this time. We discussed what each of us should do if we saw her, and the answer was ignore, ignore, ignore. If I find out he didn't ignore her, I swear to god I'll be posting on this beotch from the slammer!
tiki Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Hrm. Don't tell him and see what happens. When he tells you, say, "Yeah, I've known. I've got budz that keep me posted". OR.... tell him your budz have kept you posted with what's going on. That way he wouldn't probably have ballz enough to talk to the skank h00ch right there in front of everyone. Nonetheless, don't land your ass in jail....my little brother is finally getting out Saturday (been in since November) and I'd hate to see ya go that route too.
FolderWife Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I have a problem that I would consider similar. My husband will ask me to go to the mall and pick up a game for him, or he'll ask me to stop and get him food on the way home. However, one day I asked him to run an errand for me on his day off, and he flat out refused. He can waste my ENTIRE day off with a list of errands to run, but I ask for one measly thing, and he won't do it? So I consulted my mom about this one. How can he ask me to do errands for him, but not do an errand for me? Where's the fairness? She asked me if I didn't want to do the errands. I told her that I did not mind running errands..it gets me out of he house. So then she asked me why I got upset. If I want to do something to show my husband love...aka, running errands for him, then I shouldn't expect him to do the same for me, just because I do it for him. She said that if I'm doing something I enjoy for him, that I shouldn't think that he doesn't care about me when he doesn't do the same. So, the problem is not that your boyfriend dropped you off, and continued to have fun, the problem is that YOU would NEVER do this. The problem is, if the roles were reversed, and he were sick, you'd hang out with him, instead of with your friends. So the problem is, since you would show love by staying with him while he's sick, you think that if he loved you, he'd hang out with you while you were sick. So since he didn't stick around while you were sick, he obviously doesn't love you, right? Nope. Your boyfriend was doing what most men would do in this situation. According to "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" *which I'm in the middle of reading, which is why I reference it so much lately* men show support by leaving the other person alone to deal with their problems. Men don't like to be helped, unless they have exercised EVERY option, and THEN they'll ASK for help. Women on the other hand LOVE support. To offer a woman help is a compliment...it means you care enough about her to help her. If you offer a man help, it's an insult, because you don't trust that he can do it by himself. So your boyfriend was trusting that you didn't need his help. If the roles were reversed, he'd WANT you to go out and have a good time...no use being miserable and bored, just because he's sick. So he did the loving thing that he would want you to do for him. Your boyfriend did nothing wrong. You just know within yourself that if the roles were reversed, you'd WANT to be there with him, and not out with your friends. So you irrationally believe that since he didn't want to be there with you, that he doesn't love you. Now that you can maybe understand him, do you feel a little better?
Adunaphel Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 <thinks that little sentences such as "are you sure you *really* don't mind if I go back to my friends and partying?" can work miracles> I'd bet that if he had just asked, you'd have been fine with him heading back to his friends for more fun. Or am I totally off track?
crisp Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Hi, llama I think that with you being sick and all, you feel a bit vulnerable and some nice attention and cuddles would have worked wonders. I also know lots about one big "her" in his life. The thing is... be cool. I know it bgs you to death and you'd even want to know how many times he looked at her and for how long... jealousy it's like a desease. Don' let it take control. My advice: force yourself not ask or even think about them meeting. You're with him. You're happy. You love eachother. You freaking out draws attention onto her. Why??? She's sooo not worth the effort. Also about the food and the partying: you may be in some other place compared to your bf. You want more attention. Give him time. Sure, he forgot your food. But he did bring your mom's. So he's not a complete... looser . My man was worse than yours. What did I do? Took control. Preserved my independence. Made him miss me. Went out on parties alone, wth my friends, just like he did with his. Somehow it bothered him more.... Now he writes me poems. There's no miracle in that. Outsmart him. But first... get well!
savethedrama4allama Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Hi everyone, thanks for replying. You're right adunaphel, it would have made a difference. Well, a couple updates. I talked to him about the partying thing on Saturday night and he says he understands. Whatever. Its not like there was even a resolution, he didn't say he wouldn't do it again, I didn't want him to say that anyway. I understand what you're saying Monday, I want him to do what he wants. I just wish he wanted to stay home with me. I'll just have to see. Also, he told me that he did see psycho but that she did not see him. Their classes are very close together. He's going to remove the distinguishing characteristics from his vehicle (how she tracked us down the last time) as well as park in a different section of the lot than he always did to her knowledge. I'm just afraid that her seeing him will fuel her fire again. Crispy, its part jealousy sure, and also part fear that she's going to start stalking again.
tiki Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Maybe she'll see him, get used to seeing him and get over it. Which is, uh, what she needs to do anyway. llama power
savethedrama4allama Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by tiki Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Maybe she'll see him, get used to seeing him and get over it. Which is, uh, what she needs to do anyway. Fo real!
tiki Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Then you and I could set up seminars on "How to treat yo woman" and "How to not be a psycho ex".
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