headstillspinning Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 (edited) Hello everyone, I find myself here at LS once again after 4 years....only this time as an OW. I would really love some insight from others in similar situations and will try to keep this as brief as possible. My MM has been married for 17 years (dated his W for 3 years prior to marriage) and they have two boys, ages 9 and 11, and I have a 10 year old son from a previous relationship. We met at work eight years ago. There is a 15 year age difference between us (30 and 45), but we have always gotten along incredibly well as our sense of humour clicked instantly and we'd always make time in our day to make each other laugh. In April 2012, my father passed away unexpectedly. At this time I was in a relationship with my now ex boyfriend. I was devastated by the loss of my father and as MM had lost his mother a few years earlier, he became a huge support for me. I was very depressed and my partner at the time began to show his true colours. I can remember very vividly returning home from my father's funeral and my ex asking me to be intimate with him. I was very disturbed by this behaviour and over the next several months our relationship deteriorated. Throughout, I confided in MM about my relationship and he urged me to end things as it was very unhealthy, and I finally had the strength to walk away in March 2013. So now I was not only still grieving the loss of my father but my relationship as well. MM and I grew closer as friends, and he became someone I could really depend on both personally and professionally. In May 2013, I found our exchanges becoming slightly more flirtatious than usual but never questioned anything as to me he was always "safe" being married. i thought we were just being silly with one another the way we had been for years. However, as time went on I felt things changing. I found myself thinking about him after work and really looking forward to seeing him the next day. On weekends, I would think of the funny things he said during the week and laugh to myself waiting anxiously for Monday. His behaviour towards me was changing as well, and I could tell something was happening between us. Our exchanges became more frequent and we started texting outside of business hours. Deep down I knew I was headed for trouble, but I found myself falling in love with him and unable to control it. Things came to head in mid June. We worked closely on a project together and he invited me for a drink to celebrate. I accepted and can remember driving to the restaurant asking myself over and over again "what are you doing?". It was at this meeting he told me he thinks a lot about me and the things we talk about and finds himself reading our messages and smiling on weekends. I confessed the same. We both agreed though that nothing could come of this as he was married with kids. Only things got more intense between us over the next two weeks, and one late Friday afternoon when everyone else had gone home he kissed me in his office.... Sometimes I wish I could go back to that moment and put an end to everything right then and there as the last 7 months have been a whirlwind, but my heart took over my mind. We entered into a full blown A in late July when he contacted me on a Sunday afternoon asking to see me. We made love for the first time and it was magical. He is everything I have ever wanted, and looking back I can see how our relationship was built over time based on a strong friendship and mutual caring. We both recently admitted to being in love with the other, and I know I cant go on like this. I have tried many times to end things throughout, but he always comes back stronger than before. He used to tell me he would never leave his kids, but he is now saying he can't live a life for "appearances". He cares deeply for his wife. She is a great woman, and a wonderful caretaker and mother. She has done nothing wrong but they stopped living as husband and wife many years ago. He said if they didn't have children, he would have left by now. They don't sleep in the same bedroom. Never argue or fight. They are great friends, but not lovers. He tells me aside from compassion and guilt, he is empty for her. He has been going to IC trying to get clarity on what path to take. I have opted to step back but he always comes for me. I hate that I have done this to another woman, but I am madly in love with him. Do they ever leave their wives? He often cries telling me of the agony and torment he feels thinking about having to hurt her, but at the same time he says I can't live out my only life like this because I'm afraid of what might become of her. Please tell me what to do because I am so lost Thanks so much for reading my post. Edited January 11, 2014 by headstillspinning
awkward Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Do they ever leave their wives? Rarely. And almost never when they are allowed to have both a wife and an OW. Please tell me what to do because I am so lost No contact at all with him. Of course you won't, but you will wish you did. I'm sorry. 2
happy stillmore Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 It sounds like your MM is already taking steps to make a decision. (Talking it out with a therapist). That is more than most MM.
Author headstillspinning Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 No contact at all with him. Of course you won't, but you will wish you did. I'm sorry. How do you recommend doing this as we work directly together and were very good friends for years before the A started?
Author headstillspinning Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 It sounds like your MM is already taking steps to make a decision. (Talking it out with a therapist). That is more than most MM. Yes, I truly believe he hates living this way and sees the pain it is causing everyone. I could't imagine being torn between my marriage vows and what might be my "true love". He tells me he's never felt this way about anyone or experienced the things we have ever before, not even with his own wife. The passion and chemistry is nothing I have ever known as well. He has said on more than once that if he wasn't married he would have no doubt that we are meant to be together. We connect physically, emotionally, intellectually in a way few ever get to experience. It's truly a very sad situation. No matter what someone get hurts.
XenoMouse Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 i was exactly where you are at about a year ago and know exactly how you are feeling the rush of feeling "true love" and how amazing it is. However, after having gone down this path i must agree and warn you that its sooo much better if you just cut it off now and go NC. The feelings of "true love" and unrequited passion and chemistry might be great but be careful theyas might be laying the foundation for an addiction that is going to be much harder to break down the line.
Author headstillspinning Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 i was exactly where you are at about a year ago and know exactly how you are feeling the rush of feeling "true love" and how amazing it is. However, after having gone down this path i must agree and warn you that its sooo much better if you just cut it off now and go NC. The feelings of "true love" and unrequited passion and chemistry might be great but be careful theyas might be laying the foundation for an addiction that is going to be much harder to break down the line. Can you elaborate? Were you an OW? How did it end? I work with my MM and were friends for years. How do I implement NC?
XenoMouse Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 i was an OM..and yes we did the work friends to lovers thing, thats why i suppose all the feelings come rushing in because you know each other so well and theres so much sexual tension that once you cross the line you fall hard. Basically we had a couple of good months and then she would get caught and come back once then twice and she came back again then she just used those incredible feelings of true love and just wanting to spend the next moment that i could with her to break up and make up and go in and out of the relationship as she pleased..i always thought maybe shes just really confused and its so hard for her but it was just cake eating. At this point she's broken up with me again after a series of mixed messages disappeared back into her marriage. But with the help of the ppl hear ive realized that thats a good thing. I guess that its a good thing that he is in therapy but maybe its not because its a clear cut sign that he has no idea what the hell he's doing. I dont want to sound negative i just want to do my part in seeing that you don't get hurt. NC might be impossible in your situation but you can always hold back some of the emotion when you're together. While in your heart you might be all lets go! he is still staying in his marriage and getting counseling instead of running out the door which means he is not on the same page with you and i would be mindful of that. Based on my experience i would say ok you cant help yourself and you enjoy being with him but maybe if you hold some of the cards instead of throwing them all on the table you can maintain some type of control and some objectivity in case the BS starts to pile up.
awkward Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 How do you recommend doing this as we work directly together and were very good friends for years before the A started? I recommend that you start looking for a new job today if there is no way you can go no contact with him at work. Really it is for the best. If you don't you will most likely be here next year in extreme pain trying to find a way out. You can't be friends with him anymore. That shipped sailed. Friends are not hidden from our families.
spiderowl Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 "He often cries telling me of the agony and torment he feels thinking about having to hurt her, but at the same time he says I can't live out my only life like this because I'm afraid of what might become of her." He's conflicted which is why you are in such pain. Will this conflict end for him or will someone have to end it for him? People usually come to decisions eventually, but sometimes the decision they come to is to wait it out until it resolves itself. If you aren't planning to give him an ultimatum or his wife doesn't find out and the whole thing get blown out of the water, this could be a long time. If you do give him an ultimatum, it could go either way. I suppose you have three choices: 1) give him an ultimatum - but he may still not be able to choose 2) decide it's not fair that you should be suffering like this and give him up - not easy I know, but maybe taking steps to be in a position to do this would be helpful either way 3) wait and suffer Having been in a situation where I didn't want to let go (not a married man fortunately), but it was a painful situation to be in, I do know how much it hurts. Eventually, in my situation, I suddenly knew I could not continue and had to cut him off. It was hard, but the pain was getting ridiculous and I knew it was harmful to me. Somehow, I think you need to separate out the way this is making you feel from his dilemma. His dilemma is difficult, no doubt about it. This is making you feel terrible (you describe dying inside). No-one should have to put up with that for a partner who purportedly loves them. 2
hurtnomorerika Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I understand that you can't completely go NC because you work together, however, if you can't go on like this stop the romantic contact. Don't continue to mix business with pleasure tell him that you can longer deal with the relationship as it is. Keep it about the job, nothing else. It may hurt now, but it will save you a lot of hurt in the end.
Author headstillspinning Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 I left my wife after a 28 month affair with another married woman. One of my friends left his wife of 12 years for a single woman and I met two other guys who left their wives for other women. Affairs are like all other relationships' date=' some end up happily ever after, some end up in heartache and some fade away.[/quote'] Thank you so much for your response. It's comforting to know that sometimes MM do make hard decisions. Can I ask you what finally brought you to the decision to leave your marriage? Did you go to MC? Were there children involved? Are you and OW still together?
Author headstillspinning Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 I suppose you have three choices: 1) give him an ultimatum - but he may still not be able to choose 2) decide it's not fair that you should be suffering like this and give him up - not easy I know, but maybe taking steps to be in a position to do this would be helpful either way 3) wait and suffer I have told MM he needs to make a decision as I'm tired of his words not matching his actions. You love me? Prove it! Right now we are on a "break" while he tries to sort things out. This is very difficult as I see him at work and he tells me how much he misses me. I wish I could completely disappear so he could fully realize what it's like to not have me in his life at all. He is very conflicted as you pointed out. I used to try to be comforting, but I realize this just reinforces my willingness to put up with crumbs. I am trying my absolute hardest to pull away and only speak on business related items.
Author headstillspinning Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 i was an OM..and yes we did the work friends to lovers thing, thats why i suppose all the feelings come rushing in because you know each other so well and theres so much sexual tension that once you cross the line you fall hard. Basically we had a couple of good months and then she would get caught and come back once then twice and she came back again then she just used those incredible feelings of true love and just wanting to spend the next moment that i could with her to break up and make up and go in and out of the relationship as she pleased..i always thought maybe shes just really confused and its so hard for her but it was just cake eating. At this point she's broken up with me again after a series of mixed messages disappeared back into her marriage. But with the help of the ppl hear ive realized that thats a good thing. I guess that its a good thing that he is in therapy but maybe its not because its a clear cut sign that he has no idea what the hell he's doing. I dont want to sound negative i just want to do my part in seeing that you don't get hurt. NC might be impossible in your situation but you can always hold back some of the emotion when you're together. While in your heart you might be all lets go! he is still staying in his marriage and getting counseling instead of running out the door which means he is not on the same page with you and i would be mindful of that. Based on my experience i would say ok you cant help yourself and you enjoy being with him but maybe if you hold some of the cards instead of throwing them all on the table you can maintain some type of control and some objectivity in case the BS starts to pile up. I'm so sorry you went through/are going through this. My MM's wife does not know about our affair although I suspect she knows something is 'off' with his behaviour. It seems unfair that they can come and go as they please because it is perceived that they are the ones with the 'situation'. What about us and our feelings? We go through our own struggles on the other side but it doesn't seem to matter in the grand scheme of things. I have nothing to add to your situation except empathy. When you find yourself in love with a person who can't love you back the way you deserve, it is a horrible place to be in. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.
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