wistfulgirl Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 (edited) Looking for opinions on so called "commitment phobia".... If a guy is seeing a girl and getting closer and more intense (from both sides) and amazing passionate connection, why would someone walk away at its peak? I'm thinking of a guy I was seeing (which is detailed in my other thread) who sabotages relationships and "freaks out" when gets too emotionally close. He has done this throughout his dating life and never stayed with anyone for longer than 6 months. He pursues women who are either "playing hard to get" so he chases them, or unavailable women, but when the interest is eventually reciprocated he runs away. (I know there were other circumstances in my situation so not looking for advice for me per se, but am generally interested in this process of chasing then rejecting). What are LS readers take on this? If you can relate, what are the feelings towards the person that has brought this "commitment phobic" response? Is it possible for feelings to switch off overnight? And do you ever look back and regret throwing away something that had such potential? Edited January 11, 2014 by wistfulgirl Link to post Share on other sites
sagetalk Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 If a guy is seeing a girl and getting closer and more intense (from both sides) and amazing passionate connection, why would someone walk away at its peak? My answer depends on whether you were having sex or not, and how long you have dated. In many cases, commitment phobic is another way of saying a guy likes to have sex without the extra work of a relationship involved. It's fairly common. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 I understand and have considered that view, but it seems it can be more complicated than that. I'm not talking about a "hit it and quit it" guy, or someone who doesn't want a relationship, I'm interested in those who want someone to love and look for it all the time, but freak out at the relationships most heightened and intense point (rather than when gets bored). I've read a lot about commitment phobia but wondering how prevalent this is and what the feelings that the commitment phobe experiences that cause the flight response... Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 I think like commitment phobia is a term that's sometimes used to loosely - for people who just go through girls/guys because they want to...thinking Joey Tribbiani type character. I think if your using the word phobia - then there has to be a genuine fear there. I think you could definitely of used the word commitment phobia in association with my girlfriend - so i guess that says that it doesn't scare me. She'd jump from guy to guy to guy, all the time telling me how much she loved me but she wouldn't start a relationship with me because she didn't want to commit because she genuinely believed if she did it would all turn to dust and she'd be left alone. I always found it a little contradictory really. She used to tell me how all by herself she was after her mum died. She was so scared being lonely again that she put these massive walls up that kept her lonelier. Link to post Share on other sites
Sand Man Dan Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 That's not called a commitment phobe. It's called a pussy Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 Yeah I suppose so. Interested to know why someone is scared of the very thing they say they want...and what brings this fear on Link to post Share on other sites
Sand Man Dan Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 There is no fear. It's pure bull**** they spew so they don't have to admit to wanting to use you for sex. This is textbook. Link to post Share on other sites
Thegreatestthing Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 I have this problem,and I regret it a lot,when things fall apart because of reluctance to get close. But I think true soulmate etc will persist and overcome any barriers,move mountains,fears if they truly want to be with you and vice versa. A good example of this type of thing is in the film good will hunting. It wouldn't be classified as a phobia if it didn't exist. Looking for opinions on so called "commitment phobia".... If a guy is seeing a girl and getting closer and more intense (from both sides) and amazing passionate connection, why would someone walk away at its peak? I'm thinking of a guy I was seeing (which is detailed in my other thread) who sabotages relationships and "freaks out" when gets too emotionally close. He has done this throughout his dating life and never stayed with anyone for longer than 6 months. He pursues women who are either "playing hard to get" so he chases them, or unavailable women, but when the interest is eventually reciprocated he runs away. (I know there were other circumstances in my situation so not looking for advice for me per se, but am generally interested in this process of chasing then rejecting). What are LS readers take on this? If you can relate, what are the feelings towards the person that has brought this "commitment phobic" response? Is it possible for feelings to switch off overnight? And do you ever look back and regret throwing away something that had such potential? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 Thegreatestthing - what do you feel towards your partner when you feel things are "getting too close"? And have you been in love then run away from it, or feel you've never been in love and when you meet the right person it will break down all your fears? Link to post Share on other sites
Sand Man Dan Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Thegreatestthing - what do you feel towards your partner when you feel things are "getting too close"? And have you been in love then run away from it, or feel you've never been in love and when you meet the right person it will break down all your fears? Sigh........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 Sand man dan- I take it you don't believe in commitment phobia and/or have never experienced it. This doesn't necessarily mean it doesn't exist. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 If a woman falls in love with him, there is something wrong with her. It's the old "I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sand Man Dan Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 If a woman falls in love with him, there is something wrong with her. It's the old "I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member." I see this often where girls want to chase men who they (sub)consciously know the guys only gonna use them. So it's definitely happening on both sides of the genital. Link to post Share on other sites
Thegreatestthing Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 When I do feel that my feelings are getting too intense, my immediate reaction is I'm going to do something that's going to ruin this and he's going to change his mind,he's going to hurt me later on,self sabotage really. It's like the movie good will hunting when he says: WILL Yeah, I went on a date last week. SEAN How'd it go? WILL Fine. SEAN Well, are you going out again? WILL I don't know. SEAN Why not? WILL Haven't called her. SEAN Jesus Christ, you are an amateur. WILL I know what I'm doing. She's different from the other girls I met. We have a really good time. She's smart, beautiful, fun... SEAN So Christ, call her up. WILL Why? So I can realize she's not so smart. That she's boring. You don't get it. Right now she's perfect, I don't want to ruin that. SEAN And right now you're perfect too. Maybe you don't want to ruin that. I feel that.So from that point when I start caring alot,I will ignore them completely. Thegreatestthing - what do you feel towards your partner when you feel things are "getting too close"? And have you been in love then run away from it, or feel you've never been in love and when you meet the right person it will break down all your fears? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 That's an interesting perspective. So it's more to so with "quitting while you're ahead" rather than feelings changing? Link to post Share on other sites
Sand Man Dan Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 It's a contrived, pessimistic extension of the school of thought that, "if I like him more than he likes me then what omg" Rather than people just enjoyin the ride. Link to post Share on other sites
894hjk Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 We all think we r commitment phobes when we r with the wrong person but when the right one comes along we just ride with it as love takes all reason from our minds. Basically, men will commit if its the right person, if their needs r being met in that situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Thegreatestthing Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 It's not true I was completely into this guy,more than any before him but was scared and didn't feel good/secure enough to go into a relationship. Some people have fear of intimacy, Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 imo it stems from fear. fear of the unknown, fear of taking risks (with their heart or future), fear of failure, etc., and I bet if you look more closely at their lives, they lead it in a very conservative way - in the sense that they don't take risks outside their comfort zone very often. but life requires you to step up and people who always back away don't make good partners. I've been with a guy like that - 3 years and then he wanted out when it was getting too serious. its' heartbreaking for someone who believes in commitment to be with someone who doesn't, which is why if someone tells you from the start that they don't want to be married or don't want to be committed, etc. - you listen and take them at their word Link to post Share on other sites
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