My experience, and why everything will be okay.

[inarticulate]

It's been nearly two months since I broke up with my college sweetheart, totally nearly three years. I was the dumpee, and she the dumper. We met on a study abroad trip when she was in a long-distance relationship with someone else. We fell in love, and I pushed her to break up with that other person. After we came back to school, we moved in with each other, and shared ownership of a cat, furniture, bed, and time. About three months ago, I moved away for my first job, and she cried at the airport, afterwards writing letters about how she missed me. We made plans to see each other often. A month later, she calls and tells me that we're done.

 

Like many of you, I felt blindsided. I felt confused, lost, alone, angry, bitter, and - worst of all - more in love than I ever was before. I didn't let it go; I called nearly every day, and she answered. At first she was consoling, and understood, but soon began to lose patience, and our conversations degenerated into spats of insulting one-line jabs and sardonicism. I tried to ask where all the love had gone - she told me that she had thought a lot about it and decided it wasn't worth it. She needed space, and left breadcrumbs for me by saying that "maybe in about six months, we can revisit this."

 

I left her alone for a month with virtually NC, then called back after the new year, just to say hi. She was drunk, which she hated being when we were dating, and was very cold. I told her I'd been trying really hard to stay okay over the past month, and she mockingly said, "Wow, a month without talking with someone you're not dating. That's SO much; you should be proud!" It was a huge slap in the face, because I was actually very proud of myself. I sent her a sarcastic and nasty email afterwards, which she said was "unfair" and "mean". She also said that break-ups should be treated as a "Thanks for your time, have a nice day" situation, which to me sounds like you're walking out of a gas station.

 

The next day, she apologized and asked if we could talk. I agreed, and spent the next half hour trying to get answers. What I realized is this: from her perspective, she had been seeing things months before we broke up and keeping them to herself the entire time. That time allowed her to make peace with giving up some of the benefits of our relationship in favor of fulfilling whatever she values more. That's why it's so easy for her to move on, and perhaps impatient that you can't do the same.

 

It's also important to realize that the mark of true character happens when things are at their worst. We who post and read this site are probably the type who value relationships and commitment above many other things, and are seen as fighters, dedicated partners, and perhaps even romantic. The honeymoon period can blind us to the true character our partners have. If things eventually turn into marriage, part of the traditional vows involve dedication through sickness and health. Sure, people change, and marriage involves a higher level of commitment, but if your partner can't even make it through the slightest bumps in the road without running off, this might be a blessing in disguise.

 

The last big point I think I want to convey is that no relationship is truly exceptional or unique. I thought mine was, because I thought we were so in love than nothing could stop us. I also thought our break-up was as well, that she would change her mind within the month and come back to me. Conventional wisdom says this wasn't the case, but I thought - with all my love and care - I could trump it. I was wrong, and I exacerbated her feelings negatively. Listen to those who have been there before - this site is good for a reason. But I'm sure you're all less headstrong than I am.

 

The bottom line is: I'm with all of y'all. My first paragraph is not how I would've told anyone about our relationship, and it might be the first time I've come to grips with the fact that our relationship might've been doomed from the beginning. Despite all the immediate feelings, the structure wasn't never there to support all the emotions. Ultimately, when I realized and accepted all of the bad things in this relationship, it put me back in the driver's seat. Not only will I not make the same mistakes in the future, but I am comfortable in my own skin today.

 

Hope that was helpful, and apologies if that was somewhat of a rant. My username is inarticulate for a reason.

 

Cheers.

[inarticulate]

My bad. Read the last paragraph.