Deadline on relationship - is this going the right way?

[makingithappen]

Hi guys,

 

Just wanted to say firstly how all these posts on LoveShack has been giving me lots of hope and strength in going through my LDR

 

The past few weeks have been really rough on me, and I'd really love to hear any of your advice.

 

I've been an emotional wreck since returning to S.E Asia from visiting my boyfriend in Europe last week. We met as classmates in the UK and were dating for a year before we had to move to our separate countries after failing to find jobs in the same location.

 

It's been over 1 year since we went long distance. The first year was tough but we managed through our weekend Skype dates, daily texts and visits every 3/4 months. The joy of seeing spending time with each other for vacation made the relationship worth the effort. However, when I visited him over Christmas last year, he told me that his feelings for me were less for the past few trips - he says it's not that he doesn't love me, but the distance and the absence of contact and face-to-face communication that's causing that.

 

He said that the LDR has been tough, and so we both discussed and in the end decided (albeit emotionally) to set a "deadline" to our relationship - by early next year, he's going to try and find a job in my country. If that fails and attempts on my end fail as well, then...we probably end it (we didn't conclude on this though).

 

Along with this deadline, we agreed on coming up with more ways to keep the communication alive - as we Skype only once on the weekend, we thought of things such as watching movies/shows together, playing online games, doing other things together. Our conversations were lacking some substance, so we thought this was a great way to keep it alive for this year.

 

Fast forward to last night when I skyped him for the first time since coming back from Europe - I was initiating the conversation quite a bit (as I also do), and he was not too responsive on the other end. After a while, he becomes quiet and a bit frustrated and tells me we should really do something together next weekend instead of talking, because it's like we're back to our usual small-talk again which he wants to avoid.

 

I was quite hurt because although I know it was probably falling back into our regular routine, he wasn't very chatty and made it sound like we should not really talk too much and do other things together instead. Communication is the foundation of LDRs though, so I found it slightly ridiculous how he suggested we not talk, be it even small talk.

 

Not sure if the above are signs that he might not be in love with me as much as in the past...I'm blinded by the fact that I really love this man, and that I really want things to work so we may live together next year.

 

What do you think? How do you keep the communication alive? Any thoughts or advice would be most welcome

[nomadic_butterfly]

He said that the LDR has been tough, and so we both discussed and in the end decided (albeit emotionally) to set a "deadline" to our relationship - by early next year, he's going to try and find a job in my country. If that fails and attempts on my end fail as well, then...we probably end it (we didn't conclude on this though).

 

Along with this deadline, we agreed on coming up with more ways to keep the communication alive - as we Skype only once on the weekend, we thought of things such as watching movies/shows together, playing online games, doing other things together. Our conversations were lacking some substance, so we thought this was a great way to keep it alive for this year.

 

Fast forward to last night when I skyped him for the first time since coming back from Europe - I was initiating the conversation quite a bit (as I also do), and he was not too responsive on the other end. After a while, he becomes quiet and a bit frustrated and tells me we should really do something together next weekend instead of talking, because it's like we're back to our usual small-talk again which he wants to avoid.

 

I was quite hurt because although I know it was probably falling back into our regular routine, he wasn't very chatty and made it sound like we should not really talk too much and do other things together instead. Communication is the foundation of LDRs though, so I found it slightly ridiculous how he suggested we not talk, be it even small talk.

 

 

What do you think? How do you keep the communication alive? Any thoughts or advice would be most welcome

 

I think he's being very realistic. Two people need to have a reasonable time frame to be in the same place at the same time if it's going to work. It's not even like he's in a neighboring country or something, but two completely different continents. You should absolutely stick to the date and it's reasonable to find a job FIRST where the other lives and see where things pan out.

 

Keeping communication alive is important. Maybe he was just tired? If he brushes off talking to you entirely, I'd be worried but at least he came up with an alternative. You also have a solid year of a real life foundation which is very important; you often see on this board "online relationships" going on ad infinitum, people building hopes and dreams with people they've never met in real life.

 

I think you should relax a bit and not scrutinize or over-analyze every little detail. Until he starts making excuses not to talk to you or seem completely emotionally detached I wouldn't worry too much.

[Solcita2]

I understand what you're going through. I have a similar situation with my SO.

 

The thing is men are not as chatty as women (my SO even hates speaking in the regular phone) so having a relationship based 100% in speaking is harder on them than in women...

 

What made the difference for my SO was sharing every day activities. We've been speaking dealy since I came here, but I see that's not option to you. However, even when you can't skype (even when we have 12 hours difference sometimes I was able to videochat with him while outside and show him around). Take pictures, share them, don't wait until just the weekend, can you send him emails with your adventures? Show him around, etc? It's just sharing... the same sharing you'd do while living together during dinner?

[Els]

Sorry to hear things are going tough for you, OP. I think it's only realistic to have a deadline. Frankly his is rather short (I would be willing to wait longer), but in the end most of us do have a limit as to how long we are willing to wait.

 

I could offer suggestions on communication, but in the end it pales in comparison to closing the distance (which seems to be the big issue for him here). Rather than making small talk all the time, perhaps just do something together (games are excellent for that and inspire conversation too), or talk about plans for the job search.

 

How is the job search going anyhow? Have either or both of you started? What are the visa options both of you have? Have you researched them? You mentioned only him looking for a way to get to you; how about you to him? Depending on which SEA country you are from, many have working holiday links to the UK.

[justwhoiam]

Not sure if the above are signs that he might not be in love with me as much as in the past...I'm blinded by the fact that I really love this man, and that I really want things to work so we may live together next year.

It always takes two to make things work. Even if one of you takes over temporarily, soon after it needs to go back to normal, where you both are putting your own effort into the relationship.

 

How do you keep the communication alive?

To me keeping communication alive is not an effort. We can share things we read online, he's sent me scanned copies of articles from the newspaper he reads too. I also let him know where I'd like to go with him, or even make plans for when I visit him. We share what happens daily, be it about our families, or work, etc. Places we visit, new people we get to know, etc. Just like a normal couple. We are open to almost anything, he takes me to the store with him, we even talked while he's on the train, or at the airport. I love to hear from him from any place if we have a chance. I'm very flexible regarding time (considering we're 6 hours apart most of the time). And we also love to know about each other in the past, we shared pictures and movies of when we were younger or little kids. That's very important to me, because I want to know him better than anyone else... And it opens new doors to his soul, because things from the past could come up too, even painful ones. But I also love to have fun with him, and I know I can be with him even without speaking at all. In person it works better, because he holds me tight, we cuddle, kiss, etc. But I can say it doesn't have to be verbal communication all the time even while far away. Edited January 12, 2014 by justwhoiam

[Els]

Oops, sorry, I just realized that I might have come across as unclear. I did not mean that communication is unimportant, just that from the wording of your post, it seems that these communication problems stem from your bf being discontent with the protracted (to him) distance. Thus it might help more to tackle the root - a clear action plan - than to try and work around with communication tips that, while beneficial, may not address the core issue.

 

However if you have done everything you can with regards to moving plans and he is still reticent, he needs to buck up. People can take turns being the one to pick up the slack, but it shouldn't be you all the time.

[Lona.loba]

Hello I don't think it's ending .. You should have more hope Nd try contacting him more and maybe give him a surprise visit if that's not hard.. Ur relationship for sure is not ending

Edited January 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[makingithappen]

@ Nomadic Butterfly: You're right. I was stressing myself out over the deadline and our relationship and was probably overthinking things. He does admit he's tired after a whole week of work, so that might explain him being a bit quiet.

 

@ Solcita: That's a great suggestion We always wait till the weekend Skype date to catch up, but don't do much sharing up till then...we're thinking of making our chats more frequent and having me call him when he's driving to work on weekdays and share more together. Thanks!

 

@ Elswyth: Yeah, one year seems a bit short too IMO, but then again I think he's done really well to keep it up so far (I've moved quite a bit since young and am maybe more used to these long distance factors than him).

 

We've researched a bit on job hunting in each others' countries, and the conclusion is that it's probably more likely for him to come than for me to go. He's in Belgium, while I'm in Singapore. The closest I can get would be to London as I need to learn Dutch/French and get a driver's license if I were to find a job in Belgium. London would still make it long distance, albeit a far bit shorter...

 

Chances of him coming over would be higher with the greater expat population here; but it's just a matter of luck and good timing by next year whether firms would want to take him in as he as just barely 2 years of working experience (most expats who come have at least 5+ years under their belt). I don't want to say this, but I'm really dreading the deadline as I personally feel the chances of it not working is a lot higher... He wants to try hard though, so we'll see how that turns out.

 

But yes, we'll definitely work on the communication...trying to look up some fun game sites to play on at the moment

 

@ Justwhoiam: That's fantastic how communication isn't any issue for you and your SO...I really envy that. I guess what we need to work on is more frequent communication than just our weekend Skype as that would open us to be able to communicate in more ways than cramming all our week's updates into a 2-hour sesion. Am definitely getting inspired in ways to spice it up now

Have both you and your SO met each others' friends and family? When my boyfriend and I talk about each others' lives, it sounds detached often because he doesn't know who my friends are, and he hasn't met my family yet. It turns out being more penpal-like sometimes as we have our own lives in our own countries right now, which is a bit sad.

[justwhoiam]

I really envy that.

We've had our fair share of ups and downs, so be happy with what you have! Plus, our situation is quite difficult, as we both have children. You're younger and have more years ahead of you!

 

Have both you and your SO met each others' friends and family?

I guess people meeting twice a month are luckier, because they can fit in so many more things... We're not that lucky that we have social nights and days... When we get time together in person, we need time alone. That doesn't mean we shut out rest of the world of course.

 

he doesn't know who my friends are, and he hasn't met my family yet.

Oh, that's not good. I just thought I will make a family tree for him, because I have lots of relatives. He knows some, but not all of them (some live hours away from me). He knows about most of my friends.

[Els]

Ah, okay, I understand in that case. It would definitely be harder for you to move to a country in which English isn't the main language.

 

I think the deadline is fairly reasonable, albeit short, if he is putting in all the effort he can into finding a job where you live. Has he even started looking and applying yet? Otherwise it seems rather unreasonable for him to be imposing such a tight deadline and yet be dragging his feet about what he has to do to close the distance.

[makingithappen]

So far, he's pinning his hopes on getting accepted to this work scholarship that, if successfully selected amongst a limited few number of candidates, will allow him to choose to work in any national firm in any country. Application's early next year which is why he's suggesting the 1 year deadline. I'm really hoping it works, but if not, we haven't really gotten it clear as to what we should do with the relationship following that...

 

Do you think it's a good idea to discuss at this point how we'll take the relationship after that? He said the LDR is hard on him, which makes it sound like he wants to end it if things don't work out next year we weren't really able to reach a conclusion on that the last time I visited him as I was too emotional over the whole discussion. Sigh, these things are tough!

[justwhoiam]

I don't know, but the whole thing of putting a deadline to any relationship seems wrong to me. Maybe it's justifiable when one of the two needs to see if the other is really willing to commit for life, though I saw cases where a marriage came after 10 or 20 years out of devotion or as an act of love and trust. When I was younger, I was less inclined to wait. When you're younger, you have so much energy and want everything here and now. Getting older, I'm getting a bit wiser. Not much, probably, just a little bit.