thegrouch Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 It has been 5 months to the day since we broke up. She has been with him since. I think they are passed the rebound stage. I've been NC for awhile though she left me no option. I just can't shake the feeling of being replaced so easily after 4 years.
mantlefan Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 It has been 5 months to the day since we broke up. She has been with him since. I think they are passed the rebound stage. I've been NC for awhile though she left me no option. I just can't shake the feeling of being replaced so easily after 4 years. Almost same situation for me. Coming up on 6 months post BU, 5 year RS. She left me for my friend and both of them lied to me about it for months. My ex even told me for the first 2 months that we might get back together. I talked to this "friend " about the breakup, telling him all the things that I realized were important to my ex that I only found out about after we broke up. I was basically giving him tips on how to be good to her. I just found out 2 weeks ago that they have been together since almost right after she dumped me. They both lied to my face about it. So what do we, (you, I, others) do to get out of it? This feeling of rejection, inadequacy, dashed hopes (my ex and I were talking about getting married), uncertainty for the future (how can I love OR trust again?). Cut them out of our lives like a tumor. Realize that everyone deserves better than someone who doesn't want them. Improve ourselves. I am applying for a new job anywhere I can get it. I want to get out of here and never look back. I am working out a lot, eating better. Realizing that the way I felt about this woman was irresponsible. I made her my whole life, and I got so afraid of losing her that I wasn't good to her. I loved with too much attachment. Maybe this doesn't mean much for some, but I realize now our relationship was too physical. I am not a believer in casual sex. I think it creates attachment, and going into my next relationships I need to be sure that creating that attachment is something I want before doing that. We are going to learn a lot about ourselves, and a lot about how crappy humans can be. Maybe we will be a little more cautious in love, that's OK. Was this your first love? 3
Author thegrouch Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Almost same situation for me. Coming up on 6 months post BU, 5 year RS. She left me for my friend and both of them lied to me about it for months. My ex even told me for the first 2 months that we might get back together. I talked to this "friend " about the breakup, telling him all the things that I realized were important to my ex that I only found out about after we broke up. I was basically giving him tips on how to be good to her. I just found out 2 weeks ago that they have been together since almost right after she dumped me. They both lied to my face about it. So what do we, (you, I, others) do to get out of it? This feeling of rejection, inadequacy, dashed hopes (my ex and I were talking about getting married), uncertainty for the future (how can I love OR trust again?). Cut them out of our lives like a tumor. Realize that everyone deserves better than someone who doesn't want them. Improve ourselves. I am applying for a new job anywhere I can get it. I want to get out of here and never look back. I am working out a lot, eating better. Realizing that the way I felt about this woman was irresponsible. I made her my whole life, and I got so afraid of losing her that I wasn't good to her. I loved with too much attachment. Maybe this doesn't mean much for some, but I realize now our relationship was too physical. I am not a believer in casual sex. I think it creates attachment, and going into my next relationships I need to be sure that creating that attachment is something I want before doing that. We are going to learn a lot about ourselves, and a lot about how crappy humans can be. Maybe we will be a little more cautious in love, that's OK. Was this your first love? Thanks for the reply. To answer your question, yes it was my first love. I'm 26 (she turns 28 this month btw) and have had girlfriends before but nothing remotely close to this. I know everyone says first loves don't last but I can't help but think why not? She had a relationship that lasted four years and ended a few months before I met her, so she is used to relationships and love ending. I guess that's why its easy for her.
LadyM Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 This kind of break-up is the cruelest. They are basically saying not only do I not want to be with you any longer, but I already found your replacement and I like her a whole lot more than you. It is a complete and total rejection of us on every level. And they don't look back. They leave us feeling like our world has been pulled out from beneath us and they go on their merry way, living the joys and highs of a brand new love while we wallow in stunned misery. It really makes one wonder whether ever getting involved again is worth the risk. It's been a long time since my ex left me and I wonder if I will ever get over his leaving and how he left. 1
mantlefan Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 One of my fears is that the person I find will be another person who was absolutely brokenhearted and just wants a friend. They know what it feels like, and they want to share your pain and you to share theirs. Actually, that doesn't sound so bad. But really concerning is whether or not I will find someone that I love as much as I love my ex. I haven't forgiven my ex yet, but I already want to. I am almost as mad at myself for wanting to not be mad at her anymore as I am mad at her! If you have to read that 7 times, I'm sorry, but as messed up as it sounds, that's as messed up as I feel! I don't know. I am afraid of getting into the same circumstance like when you drink too much. You swear you will never drink again, and a month later you overdo it even worse.
Author thegrouch Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 I agree that leaving someone for someone else, especially without trying to work things out is one of the cruelest things you can do to someone. It does speak to her character though and proves it probably wouldn't work out again. But I still get crushed when I think of them doing the things we used to do. Her work is literally 2 minutes away from my house. She does hair and used to cut mine. I have to pass by it sometimes, including today. Wish I hadn't because I saw his truck parked outside lol.
mantlefan Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Thanks for the reply. To answer your question, yes it was my first love. I'm 26 (she turns 28 this month btw) and have had girlfriends before but nothing remotely close to this. I know everyone says first loves don't last but I can't help but think why not? She had a relationship that lasted four years and ended a few months before I met her, so she is used to relationships and love ending. I guess that's why its easy for her. Yeah, I know what you mean about thinking we can break the mold in terms of first loves. Right now, part of my motivation for getting into another relationship would be so my ex sees it. Once that is gone, if I haven't gotten over her already, I will know that I am ready to get over her by finding someone else.
Author thegrouch Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 One of my fears is that the person I find will be another person who was absolutely brokenhearted and just wants a friend. They know what it feels like, and they want to share your pain and you to share theirs. Actually, that doesn't sound so bad. But really concerning is whether or not I will find someone that I love as much as I love my ex. I haven't forgiven my ex yet, but I already want to. I am almost as mad at myself for wanting to not be mad at her anymore as I am mad at her! If you have to read that 7 times, I'm sorry, but as messed up as it sounds, that's as messed up as I feel! I don't know. I am afraid of getting into the same circumstance like when you drink too much. You swear you will never drink again, and a month later you overdo it even worse. I wish I could be mad at my ex. I think she wants me to. She told me to hate her if I want, but I can't.
InnocentMan Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Try and see it as two separate events. One being the break-up, the other being her finding someone else. The first situation involves you, the second is nothing to do with you. Overly obsessing about the second situation will only bring you anguish, and deflect you from assessing the thing that actually involved you. Even if your partner met their new lover while still with you, this is just part of game that we all choose to play. Sometimes the lines are blurred, especially at the end. Perhaps it may even happen to you one day, and you will hurt someone. Accepting that there is no book of rules, and sometimes things happen that hurt you, will give you a much more understanding life. It sucks, but you always have the option of not playing, and dealing with the feelings that this brings you. If you think the risk/reward ratio is unfairly balanced against you, get a cat. 5
Axee Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I agree with the above post. This happened with me. It is the most painful experience I have ever undergone and now find it difficult to trust again.. though working on that.. its made me more insecure as a person.. The crux of the matter is not her replacing you.. the crux is that she doesnt have feelings for you . That is why she is able to feel for someone else. Its not a replacement concept. I am really sorry you are going through this.. This too shall pass.
nerdlingZA Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 If u had a car she was never going to leave u
Author thegrouch Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 If u had a car she was never going to leave u What do you mean?
nerdlingZA Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 What do you mean? I mean if you had better luxury than her current BF she wouldn't have left you , its sad but its true , nowadays ladies go for guys with a lot of money and cars , otherwise she wasn't going to leave you after 4 years for a loser
Author thegrouch Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 While I somewhat agree with you, I have a job and a car. Maybe he makes more but I don't think that alone would drive her away.
pickflicker Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I mean if you had better luxury than her current BF she wouldn't have left you , its sad but its true , nowadays ladies go for guys with a lot of money and cars , otherwise she wasn't going to leave you after 4 years for a loser No they don't. OP, this is completely untrue. "Nowadays" - seriously? 1
nerdlingZA Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 No they don't. OP, this is completely untrue. "Nowadays" - seriously? Let me rephrase , "in africa , women go for money rather than love"
Chi townD Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I wish I could be mad at my ex. I think she wants me to. She told me to hate her if I want, but I can't. Wow, hate her if you want? What the hell are you supposed to with that? Okay then, don't hate her, but you need to get to the point of indifference. Dude, she did you wrong. I would try to move when I could so you wouldn't be in such close proximity of her.
Author thegrouch Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Yeah she has been pretty cruel. I have been looking at jobs out of town. I know it would do me good. No luck yet though. 1
headinthecloud Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 You accept that your RS with her over and whatever she does post BU is none of your business or your concern. She is dead to you. And you spend your time working on you and rebuilding your self-esteem. The RS was over long before the actual BU. Dont let her actions impact your self-worth, she is the one who lied to you and threw your RS away. You will find someone else, have faith in what will be, but you must improve your physical and emotional health first. You should be your first priority in life. When you accept that the RS is really over only then will you truly start to heal. 1
goldfighter3 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 My ex emotionally cheated on me for months with her acrobatics partner before she decided that our relationship wasn't worth it anymore. Worst part is the main thing that started killing our relationship was all the tune she was spending training with her acro partner. Before that started we were so close and happy. But after five months with him the relationship had crumbled to the point that I just didn't feel safe or happy and felt so insecure. And I couldn't even ask her to stop because she loved the acro so much. Then she left me for him. I never thought I'd be in a position where I never talk to my ex again, but here I am. I just feel sick in my stomach every time I think about what happened :'(
mantlefan Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I fought for the friend my ex left me for. I argued against the people who said he wasn't necessary where we worked. I defended him when they said he didn't work as many hours as he was supposed to, even though I sort of agreed with them. I trusted him when he talked to her alone. I shared my house with him. I shared my food and beer with him. And now they are together, and I am alone. I know there are good people out there. I just don't want to wait too long to find one. I was far from the perfect boyfriend. But I really don't think I am a top candidate for having my heart this broken. I lost 2 friends out of this stuff, maybe more, since my ex and I have so many mutual friends.
Sasukie Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I fought for the friend my ex left me for. I argued against the people who said he wasn't necessary where we worked. I defended him when they said he didn't work as many hours as he was supposed to, even though I sort of agreed with them. I trusted him when he talked to her alone. I shared my house with him. I shared my food and beer with him. And now they are together, and I am alone. I know there are good people out there. I just don't want to wait too long to find one. I was far from the perfect boyfriend. But I really don't think I am a top candidate for having my heart this broken. I lost 2 friends out of this stuff, maybe more, since my ex and I have so many mutual friends. Mantlefan, I feel you. That seems pretty cruel. You did what you could, there's no denying they hurt you. What's done is done, you shouldn't have any regrets, you can't decide what other people do, but you can decide what you will do from now on. If people want to walk out from your life, let them do so. Don't beat yourself over it, because they just ain't worth it.
goldfighter3 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Its truly terrible what people can do to others, what people can justify to themselves. I really don't understand it. All I know that after going through it, being on the recieving end, I am going to do my best to ensure I never find myself doing something like that to a person I love. I know I may end up hurting someone, that's the reality of life. But I refuse to be someone who could make such an effort to steal someone elses love. And I don't know how my ex, who always looked down and felt similar to me about those people, can justify what she's done to herself. I fought for the friend my ex left me for. I argued against the people who said he wasn't necessary where we worked. I defended him when they said he didn't work as many hours as he was supposed to, even though I sort of agreed with them. I trusted him when he talked to her alone. I shared my house with him. I shared my food and beer with him. And now they are together, and I am alone. I know there are good people out there. I just don't want to wait too long to find one. I was far from the perfect boyfriend. But I really don't think I am a top candidate for having my heart this broken. I lost 2 friends out of this stuff, maybe more, since my ex and I have so many mutual friends.
Sugarkane Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) I mean if you had better luxury than her current BF she wouldn't have left you , its sad but its true , nowadays ladies go for guys with a lot of money and cars , otherwise she wasn't going to leave you after 4 years for a loser Simply not true. I've never dated someone based on what car they drive. I wouldn't expect someone my age (20s) to even afford a "luxury" car. I've dated a couple of guys with old cars because eg lived in the city and therefore didn't need to drive much. Edited January 12, 2014 by Sugarkane
Fufu Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Think of this positively. He replaced you for another person - GREAT! Because this means I have more opportunities to find a new guy who loves and appreciates me for who I am. And before that day comes, I shall be happy and continue to do what I want to do.
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