blue963 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 (edited) has anyone ever kept track of the amount of time that you spend connecting to give yourself a reality check of what your relationship really consists of? I don't mean this to be dissecting every second, but to just take an honest look at the truth. I have been thinking alot about what we actually get from these relationships. Edited January 11, 2014 by blue963
carhill Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Back when I was an OM, I used to keep a journal. This was long before computers and the internet, so it was a spiral notebook with writing in it. I also had a wall calendar with important dates and stuff we did marked on it. As the EA went on for a number of years, off and on, it was pretty easy to see what I did and didn't get from the interactions by reading the journal. As I concurrently was seeking to date ostensibly single women (hard to find at that time!), some of those experiences snuck into the journal as well. Overall, I got more of what I wanted from the EA than the failed attempts at dating, or even finding, single women. Overall, I found very few. Compared to the kind of relationship I had when married, that period was a joke, but it was all I had at the time, romantically-speaking. So, yep, tried it and got a good overview.
chelsea2011 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I'm not in an affair myself, but after reading here and in Infidelity section I suggest adding in another element as well. Calculate how much time you spend alone reading and posting about the relationship. It is a rollercoaster ride that appears to put people through one heck of a ride. I'm not saying this to be harsh. I think it may help to put things in perspective. It may also be a huge wake up call! 2
Lady2163 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 has anyone ever kept track of the amount of time that you spend connecting to give yourself a reality check of what your relationship really consists of? I don't mean this to be dissecting every second, but to just take an honest look at the truth. I have been thinking alot about what we actually get from these relationships. It would probably be very depressing if I knew how much energy went into my thoughts about him. It makes it sound more like an obsessive addiction. We talk on his workdays. Example: when he works Monday - Friday, before I hang up on Monday, I will ask, "what is your schedule for tomorrow?" He runs through a list of his meetings. Tuesday morning, when I wake up, probably within ten minutes I am evaluating what time I am going to call. If we only have a narrow window, I watch the clock a lot. Ours is long distance, 8 hours round trip. Being on the road is a huge time waster. As for forum time. This is my "people" forum. I have two other forums that are solid interests of mine, but they are things, hobbies, not people geared. Hope that makes sense. Anyway, I bounce among the three forums, my Facebook and my OLD site a lot. The last few days, this forum has appealed me the most.
MissBee Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 has anyone ever kept track of the amount of time that you spend connecting to give yourself a reality check of what your relationship really consists of? I don't mean this to be dissecting every second, but to just take an honest look at the truth. I have been thinking alot about what we actually get from these relationships. No I didn't at the time and it's too removed now for me to do back calculations. We spoke every single day, usually multiple times. But I didn't see him as often as I saw any of my single boyfriends so didn't spend anywhere near the same amount of face time sand physical time together as well as time doing regular things that you don't think about much as a couple but which very much help you to learn about this person. It seems lots of As survive on being tethered to an electronic device like a phone or a computer. I know for me I texted and talked on the phone to my exAP a lot more than any other bf, simply because with them I saw them a lot more, slept over etc. so I didn't have to. The texts and calls were supplemental in my single Rs with face time being primary while with my exAP electronic communication made up the bulk of it with face time being less consistent. I am sure that electronic communication can add up to hours and hours, but are those text hours, phone call hours, skype hours qualitatively equal to face time? I guess the calculation would need to be specific about the kinds of hours/activities that count in the calculation.
MissBee Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I'm not in an affair myself, but after reading here and in Infidelity section I suggest adding in another element as well. Calculate how much time you spend alone reading and posting about the relationship. It is a rollercoaster ride that appears to put people through one heck of a ride. I'm not saying this to be harsh. I think it may help to put things in perspective. It may also be a huge wake up call! This is a good point! I wasn't on any forums while in the A, but if you do post a lot on forums about it, that could also be an interesting thing to calculate in terms of how much time spent on LS/other forums reading about As, talking about As, talking about your specific A, making threads about it vs. other relationships you've been in. I think that can give you a useful perspective.
solostand Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I saw him yesterday - he picked me up an drove me to a job I was doing. All the way there our favorite new CD was playing and we were laughing and singing along and I said "don't you wish we could just do this all day? Drive around listening to this music?" He said "Oh YES!" We have done that before, but only a handful of times which sucks. I saw him the day before, and we went shopping together. I saw him the day before that, but only for about two hours. Didn't see him today. He had to go to a funeral. Will see him tomorrow, but of course will not be spending the whole day with him which is what I want. He does call twice a day or more if he feels I'm having a bad day. I hate how I anticipate those calls. I call him too but I don't very often. We have NEVER slept a night together and this makes me sad. I told him that I want to spend a night together at least once. He laughed and said "That will give me something to live for!" So the point is in our over year long affair, we have probably been physically together as often as maybe a three month relationship?
hurtnomorerika Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 This a good idea, but I think if I did it and compared it to a relationship that I would have with a single man it would make me very sad and depressed. It might really be an eye opener though.
Crazy_Love Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 We spend every weekday together, anywhere from six to eight hours per day. And no, we don't work together. In addition, we occasionally do things on the weekends together. So, I'd say we spend about 30-40 hours of awake time together per week. I consider our relationship much more than an affair though.
Author blue963 Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Maybe that is exactly what we need. To see the truth and that was my point in doing this.
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