OpheliaSong Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I almost feel like I shouldn't even come to LS anymore for dating advice. Why bother when men here, some even married, are more interested in hating on women in general or acting like equal rights for women has spoiled us. I'm not interested in the sociological implications of women's lib. This is a relationships site and all I am learning is how much men resent women. Women are so unfair to men, moan, whine, they only like tall men, they want us to pay for our dates but they don't want to be traditional in the homes (yeah right women still do 90% of the household and child care and have full time jobs! ) or men expect sex if they'd do pay. Honestly, men in real life do not come across like this and if they did, I wouldn't be dating them. Is this how men really view women? Is this a true representation of men or is it just because so many men here are hurt, are macho or are losers? If men hate women so much why do they even bother with relationship sites? Why not just go to prostitutes for sex and be done with it? 5
Sand Man Dan Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 No it's not how most men are. You've gotta realize how big of a chip most of us guys have on our shoulder. I completely agree its wrong how oftentimes that chip is made to be the women on here problem. I love you ladies here that stay positive, you are true saints. 2
soccerrprp Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Take it in perspective OpheliaSong. Most people who frequent such sites have had issues with the opposite sex or with dating/relationships. You're going to hear from a lot of disgruntled folks. I also think that you are giving the nay-sayers and downers too much attention. 4
soccerrprp Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 You can pretty much accept that what someone posts online is what they believe at the moment. With that said, who is woman hating? I feel like I rarely see that here... Oh, kfc, kfc....you wait long enough... There are some men-bashers too, but some of the guys on LS are....well......ugh.
Sand Man Dan Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Oh, kfc, kfc....you wait long enough... There are some men-bashers too, but some of the guys on LS are....well......ugh. Truly truly bitter. That's what most men here are. Bitter as hell. I'm no exception but its not women's fault for my lack of success, it's mine 2
d0nnivain Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 There are people in the world who have become jaded. By interacting with some of them on LS, you will better be able to avoid them IRL. In addition, some of the jaded guys may open your eyes. I had no real idea how much some men resented paying for stuff. . . even something that I saw a trivial like a drink. Hearing that made me more sensitive to the guys' perspective. It didn't completely change my mind that picking up a check is a form of chivalry. . . it's not like there are dragons for them to slay . . .but it's something I kept in the back of my mind when ordering.
Author OpheliaSong Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Thank you for the replies. I do give too much attention the the naysayers but it seems there aren't many happy men in this site so it is hard to post without doing that. I cancelled my date tonight. Just not into going out with someone who is probably jaded and angry at women. First dates should be fun but now I am just thinking I must demand to go Dutch and I must make sure he knows I am traditional....blah blah blah....why bother with it with this attitude. I just really needed help with this stuff. My first love died when I was 19. I hate to talk about it because i know people will just think I am wallowing. We had been high schol sweethearts and he was the love of my life. After he passed I just cried for 3 years. A nice guy at my college asked me out and a year later we were exclusive. He turned into a controlling jerk because his friends gf cheated on him. I never cheated but was treated like a prisoner. I broke up with him because I couldn't take him being mean to me over his friends issues. We had dated for a year. I feel like I never knew him. How was I in a relationship like that? So I came here for help with learning how to date. Now I'm just overwhelmed and still in grief counseling. Maybe I shouldn't date because I had my good guy and he died. Sorry for the tangent, just so tired.
d0nnivain Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 You knew true love early. That's a rare gift but it doesn't mean that you will never love again. Based on how tired you are, you may not be in the right frame of mind to date right now. Now is not tomorrow, next week or this summer. Take a break. Heal your soul. When you are feeling emotionally stronger, you will be shocked at who walks into your life. 1
truth_seeker Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 There are people in the world who have become jaded. By interacting with some of them on LS, you will better be able to avoid them IRL. In addition, some of the jaded guys may open your eyes. I had no real idea how much some men resented paying for stuff. . . even something that I saw a trivial like a drink. Hearing that made me more sensitive to the guys' perspective. It didn't completely change my mind that picking up a check is a form of chivalry. . . it's not like there are dragons for them to slay . . .but it's something I kept in the back of my mind when ordering. I do not resent paying for things, but it can become a downer if you're on your fifth consecutive first date. I greatly appreciate when a woman offers to pay or split the bill. I won't let her, but the gesture wins points with me. 1
truth_seeker Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I'm here because of frustration. I just haven't met the right woman for me. I do not have trouble meeting women... I'm just not meeting the right ones. I have a bad habit of over-analyzing things instead of just cutting my losses fast. The only good thing to come out my recent failures are the experiences I've gained. I'm now able to spot red flags better than I did before. Hopefully, at some point, I'll get lucky and meet the right one.
Grumpybutfun Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 First of all, a break is a great idea. A break from the site and from dating. You have a lot of grief you are working around, as well as confusion about a bf who seemed to turn Jekyll/Hyde pretty quick, and now you seem to be internalizing some wounded and whiny posters sentiments on women. Men aren't like this. I worked with some of the stupidest, macho brats on the planet in the military and only a hand full of them ever had views this extreme. It is easy for men to come on here and throw around their ego driven vomit on everyone because they don't have to face anyone. I noticed only when drunk did most of the douches I worked with started talking this crap and they usually had ex wives and ex girlfriends who dumped or cheated in them for whatever reason. Men do not get to talk things out and show emotion like women so they spew when drunk and come on places like this. The equivalent is the commenter in political forums who spew how the rich man took all his opportunities in life and therefore he is down on his luck, but never even tried to go to school, get a vocational certification, college or even a job. It is tactless for someone to do this when so many are unemployed who have worked their butts off, but I digress.... The truth is that men wouldn't be here if they weren't trying to understand women better or if they didn't want relationships. They wouldn't be here unless they were trying to improve their situation. It is unkind of thoughtless posters who just like to argue and spew their hurt and anger at the rest of us, but there it is. You are going to have to accept that there are mean people in the world. There are people who will run over you in order to get their ego fed and spew their garbage. This is a good lesson to learn. However, do come back when you have a talk with your dad and he tells you that you are probably tired and worn out from school and jumped into dating too soon after your last breakup. He will probably tell you to avoid the posters who like to incite arguments because they are bored, hurt,unhappy or just maniacal by using that Ignore button. There are some fantastic people here who really do care and who are trying to have an adult conversation. Even I, in my dotage, had to figure out who the inciters were and stop interacting with them. You are going to be fine. It is okay to be exactly who you are. Your traditional values are your own and no one else's business. Men don't hate women. Most of us love women and think our woman is the greatest thing that ever happened to us. Find that guy and don't worry about the naysayers. Best, Grumps 4
Author OpheliaSong Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 You knew true love early. That's a rare gift but it doesn't mean that you will never love again. Based on how tired you are, you may not be in the right frame of mind to date right now. Now is not tomorrow, next week or this summer. Take a break. Heal your soul. When you are feeling emotionally stronger, you will be shocked at who walks into your life. Thank you for your kind words. I just meant I was tired of reading the woman hate here, but I guess it did sound as though I meant tired in general. I thought I had healed my soul because I cried and mourned and was in counseling for three years straight. After my latest breakup I got back in it. How do you not let the words here bother you about women?
Survivor12 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 How do you not let the words here bother you about women? By knowing that they aren't talking about me...that they are talking about those who they feel have wronged them...that they are speaking from personal experience and are entitled to express how they feel even if I believe their universal generalizations are wrong. Too often, people fall into believing that "it's all about them"....i.e. "if it happened to me, that's the way it ALWAYS is" OR "if someone says something, they MUST be talking to/about about me". As my Dad used to say, "consider the source". Just because you read or hear something doesn't mean it's true or, if it is, that there aren't exceptions. So when someone writes or says something, it's important to consider their perspective, experience and motive before giving it weight. 1
StanMusial Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Men and women have griped about each other since the dawn of man. You see plenty of both on here. It might be better to view internet forums as a form of entertainment. You certainly shouldn't cancel a date or make any rash decisions based on anything you read on here, especially if it's just opinions or conjecture or theory. Maybe get an idea here or there or see another perspective. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 How do you not let the words here bother you about women? You recognize that it's not about you. It's a generalization & the person saying those things is hurting. Think about how many times you said or thought all men ______ did or didn't do something. That was a generalization born of your frustration. Men do the same thing sometimes. It's hyperbole. I'm also happily married so I don't have the same visceral reaction to those statements. When I was dating & active on a site like this that doesn't exist any more I "met" a nice guy from Canada who for whatever reason absorbed a lot of my angst over my then BF; he really kept me calm in the months before DH proposed when I thought it was going to happen but didn't want to jinx it or be devastated if it didn't happen. Not everything on a website is going to speak to you. There are a lot of different view points out there & in the dating world. There are few universal truths but they tend to include compatibility is key, clingy is unattractive & everybody could improve their communications skills. Take what speaks to you. Consider opposing points of view to see if you learn anything & solider on. 1
Author OpheliaSong Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 First of all, a break is a great idea. A break from the site and from dating. You have a lot of grief you are working around, as well as confusion about a bf who seemed to turn Jekyll/Hyde pretty quick, and now you seem to be internalizing some wounded and whiny posters sentiments on women. Men aren't like this. I worked with some of the stupidest, macho brats on the planet in the military and only a hand full of them ever had views this extreme. It is easy for men to come on here and throw around their ego driven vomit on everyone because they don't have to face anyone. I noticed only when drunk did most of the douches I worked with started talking this crap and they usually had ex wives and ex girlfriends who dumped or cheated in them for whatever reason. Men do not get to talk things out and show emotion like women so they spew when drunk and come on places like this. The equivalent is the commenter in political forums who spew how the rich man took all his opportunities in life and therefore he is down on his luck, but never even tried to go to school, get a vocational certification, college or even a job. It is tactless for someone to do this when so many are unemployed who have worked their butts off, but I digress.... The truth is that men wouldn't be here if they weren't trying to understand women better or if they didn't want relationships. They wouldn't be here unless they were trying to improve their situation. It is unkind of thoughtless posters who just like to argue and spew their hurt and anger at the rest of us, but there it is. You are going to have to accept that there are mean people in the world. There are people who will run over you in order to get their ego fed and spew their garbage. This is a good lesson to learn. However, do come back when you have a talk with your dad and he tells you that you are probably tired and worn out from school and jumped into dating too soon after your last breakup. He will probably tell you to avoid the posters who like to incite arguments because they are bored, hurt,unhappy or just maniacal by using that Ignore button. There are some fantastic people here who really do care and who are trying to have an adult conversation. Even I, in my dotage, had to figure out who the inciters were and stop interacting with them. You are going to be fine. It is okay to be exactly who you are. Your traditional values are your own and no one else's business. Men don't hate women. Most of us love women and think our woman is the greatest thing that ever happened to us. Find that guy and don't worry about the naysayers. Best, Grumps When I read your words, I cried. I think I needed to hear that some people are just mean and I need to learn to spot them and deal with it. I am immature and my mom and dad has protected me and sheltered me a little too much. Oh, balls. There is my problem in a nutshell. I feel so much better after reading what you and some of the other kind posters wrote. You are right, there are really nice people here, even some men came to support me. Sometimes when I come here and read all the vomit, I go back and read some of your words and I hope that I can find someone who loves me as much as you love your wife. Of course, there could be something very wrong with you, right? Terrible allergies and balding, I presume? Bad hygiene? No front teeth? Has back hair up to your ears? I did talk to my dad after reading your post and he said the same things, but he also apologized to me for setting me up on a blind date so soon after my breakup. He said he should have known I was having a tough time but because I don't always outwardly show it, he forgets how tender I can be. We had a heart to heart, which is what I should have done when I was feeling so upset about some of the "vomit spewers." He said that it doesn't matter what the rest of the world is doing, I need to concentrate on what I want and focus on that kind of relationship. I guess I knew that, and it isn't like there aren't some really positive men here posting who seem to be in the same boat I am looking for love. Maybe I can learn something from the serious ones.
Author OpheliaSong Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 By knowing that they aren't talking about me...that they are talking about those who they feel have wronged them...that they are speaking from personal experience and are entitled to express how they feel even if I believe their universal generalizations are wrong. Too often, people fall into believing that "it's all about them"....i.e. "if it happened to me, that's the way it ALWAYS is" OR "if someone says something, they MUST be talking to/about about me". As my Dad used to say, "consider the source". Just because you read or hear something doesn't mean it's true or, if it is, that there aren't exceptions. So when someone writes or says something, it's important to consider their perspective, experience and motive before giving it weight. I like that. Some people on here may have had bad experiences or no experiences.
Els Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Like with any public forum, it's a good idea to take anything said with a bucketful of salt. If someone starts injecting gender war nonsense into a personal thread, report it and hope the mods bring it back on track. That being said, I don't generally post for serious relationship advice here anymore either. I have gotten some very good replies over the years, but many of them aren't here anymore and there definitely seems to be a rise in the gender-war afficionados. If you find the place is doing you more harm than good, then a break would definitely be wise. 1
peruano99 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Ignore the people here who are angry. You can't change anyone, and that's basically life. You will meet people who won't like you, but you have to deal with them on a daily basis. Everything is not all rainbows and sunshine.
crude Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I don't see anything wrong with venting your frustration. In the 50's, how many men came home after a hard day at work and saw their wives watching television and lost it. What do you do all day when I work like a dog to feed you? Men weren't thrilled knowing while they worked to pay the bills, their wives were watching soap operas. They just didn't have forums like this back then. Can any of you women imagine what it'd be like if men expected YOU to pay for every meal, concert, vacation, just because you were women. If you didn't pay, you'd be cheap, not generous, a loser. In a world where single women OUTEARN their male counterparts, where single women buy their own homes TWICE as often as single men, men still pay for almost everything on dates, what do you expect them to do if not vent a little on sites like this.
RedRobin Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) If men hate women so much why do they even bother with relationship sites? Why not just go to prostitutes for sex and be done with it? Because it is more 'fun' for some of those men to learn how to lie and manipulate so they can hurt and damage women in any way they can. Some of them come to relationship sites to get better at lying and manipulating... and to get encouragement on why they should. Others are just hurt and angry, and it will pass. Edited January 13, 2014 by RedRobin
Iguanna Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 In my opinion women are smart and can change a man and change even the world. That being said, I think that it's primarily the women's fault that men are acting like this nowadays. I'm a woman but I have never let any guy take advantage of me, dump me after we had sex or think less of me in any way. In the contrary, the men I fell in love with I put my best effort on giving them everything I had, and all of them have told me after years of our break up that I was the only one who really loved them. I was a true lady and I would never let a man have sex with me and then dump me. I'm not advertising myself, I want to say that men treat a woman the way she presents herself and how she wants to be treated. If you act like a serious lady, this is how you will be treated. If you act like a sex maniac who just wants to have fun in life and get paid for her precious company, this is how the men will react and treat you accordingly. Women have become easy that's why men don't bother getting in a relationship and respect a woman. They can have such a big variety of partners without giving anything back and they want to explore their opportunities. Moral has been pretty much lost in our society, but I still believe strongly that there are decent women out there and men who will appreciate them.
Grumpybutfun Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) When I read your words, I cried. I think I needed to hear that some people are just mean and I need to learn to spot them and deal with it. I am immature and my mom and dad has protected me and sheltered me a little too much. Oh, balls. There is my problem in a nutshell. I feel so much better after reading what you and some of the other kind posters wrote. You are right, there are really nice people here, even some men came to support me. Sometimes when I come here and read all the vomit, I go back and read some of your words and I hope that I can find someone who loves me as much as you love your wife. Of course, there could be something very wrong with you, right? Terrible allergies and balding, I presume? Bad hygiene? No front teeth? Has back hair up to your ears? I did talk to my dad after reading your post and he said the same things, but he also apologized to me for setting me up on a blind date so soon after my breakup. He said he should have known I was having a tough time but because I don't always outwardly show it, he forgets how tender I can be. We had a heart to heart, which is what I should have done when I was feeling so upset about some of the "vomit spewers." He said that it doesn't matter what the rest of the world is doing, I need to concentrate on what I want and focus on that kind of relationship. I guess I knew that, and it isn't like there aren't some really positive men here posting who seem to be in the same boat I am looking for love. Maybe I can learn something from the serious ones. See, you even have ones that come onto this thread to incite you by spewing their garbage. Ignore button. It is our friend. Being overprotective is just as bad as being too lenient. The balance is key and I struggle with that daily. The last one in college seems to think she has to save the world, party like a rock star and change her mind on her major every few days. I accept than she is her own person and has to make her own mistakes. This is my new mantra which my wife made me recite a million times last night. She just turned 18 so the world considers her an adult. I can only be here if she falls on her face, or if she calls for me, and then I will be there in a minute. Yes, you got me. I make the Grinch look like Channing Tatum. I am hideous. G Edited January 13, 2014 by Grumpybutfun
regine_phalange Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Forget what those posters say and concentrate on the ones who seem to be balanced and have views that you like. At least that's what I do, and has helped in remembering that there are nice men out there. Actually, before signing up here, I was quite bitter. Now, I even find my self a bit softer than the previous months. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I am immature and my mom and dad has protected me and sheltered me a little too much. If you are close with your dad, then you (most likely) thankfully don't understand the woman hate for that reason. Just like when I see women ranting about how all men are pigs and cheaters, I don't understand it because I was close with my mom and would never be like that. That said, it's not an equal situation. I live in a society where media broadcasts man-hate 24/7. I live in a society where fathers no longer matter. I live in a society where women are given most of the power in family court to destroy my life. "Why bother?" is what I often say in response to why I would ever pursue a woman or EVER consider marriage. If you're one of the few women that still have a soul, who relate to men and treat men as actual human beings, good for you. You're in the minority. Worry about your own life and don't worry about criticism which doesn't apply to you.
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