JoePianist Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 A month ago, I had a pretty bad falling-out with a close friend that came out of nowhere. She was somebody I met through my job at the university. We worked together as a pair last Spring and got along great. We shared a lot of the same interests and similar beliefs. Outside of work, we texted each other often & helped each other with personal problems. I already knew she had a boyfriend, but that was never a problem b/c our relationship was purely platonic. However, things between us began to get strained in the Fall. When I realized she was graduating in December, I began to get clingy. It got worse after my friend was suddenly rushed to the hospital in October. I had started developing feelings for her, but since she was already taken, I knew nothing would come out of it. Eventually, she approached me about my clinginess, and I tried my best to disengage my feelings and distance myself a bit. After we had distanced ourselves for a while, we were back on friendly terms. She helped me through a serious crisis in November and things between us seemed better than ever. That was, until, she started avoiding me all of a sudden after Thanksgiving Break. I figured she was just busy/stressed from job-searching & finals, so I left her alone. However, it became increasingly obvious to me that her avoidance was directed at me. The weekend before Finals Week, she sent me a private message on Facebook. It was the most hurtful & painful letter I've ever read. After graduating this semester, she wanted to cut ties with me. She said I was "overly attached" to her & made her feel "ridiculously uncomfortable" all semester. She accused me of trying to steal her away from her boyfriend, when this was never the case. I was always considerate of her feelings and never flirted with her. I really tried my best to respect her boundaries and adjust to her cues. The tone of the letter kept shifting from being brutally honest about me & herself, to showing pity, to being downright spiteful. She said that she was living in a "childlike fantasy" -- that she was naive to think she could have guy friends while dating. I replied to her message and said she really hurt me and was unfair to dump all of this on me. I begged her to give me a chance to mend things, but she still wouldn't budge on the issue. Instead, she said for us to have some distance for a while. I reluctantly agreed & said I hoped we could reconcile soon. After that, she blocked me from her Facebook account. The following week was one of the most painful I've ever endured. On top of studying for finals, I had to go to work every day and see my friend acting like everything was great -- she was acting extra nice to co-workers that she never got along with, as she completely avoided me. This continued even through the last day of her job, before graduation. She left work that day, saying her goodbyes to everyone but me. Ever since then, we haven't contacted each other. A trusted confidant said that she strongly feels the boyfriend most likely warped her perception of our friendship out of jealousy when he saw us getting too close with one another. In the weeks leading up to my friend cutting ties, her boyfriend started spending much more time with my friend -- it would become more apparent whenever she complained on Facebook about guys in her classes hitting on her. When I described my friend's BF to my dad & confidant, both of them interpreted him as "possessive" and "controlling." If that's really the case, I'm sure my friend won't go out of her way to mend our friendship until she breaks things off with him. And unfortunately, I don't see that happening any time soon...especially after she told me in the letter that she expects him to propose to her after graduating. We were really close, and I helped her out so much (especially when she went to the hospital in October)...I don't know why she would hurt me this badly. It's been a month and I'm still struggling to get over her. I've been trying to concentrate on other hobbies. But recently, with returning to classes at university & my job, I've been suffering bouts of anxiety and depression due to lingering memories with her these places remind me. PLEASE HELP!! ;_; ***MY QUESTION(S)*** 1. In her letter, my friend kept swaying back & forth in wanting to completely sever ties & for us to just have some distance from each other "for a while." Why did she seem indecisive? Is this a sign of a rash decision? 2. Why did my friend treat me the way she did?? 3. Should I try reaching out to my friend one more time if I don't hear from her a month from now? Or should I remain "zero contact" until she makes the first move? A friend told me that I should try making the first move b/c she might be afraid to reach out, but I'm afraid she will block my number. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
bubbaganoosh Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 She made her point and by what you wrote, your still clinging on. You have to let go and get on with your life and let her get on with hers. Maybe she should have been a bit more gentle but she had to make her point. IMO, let it go. Stop contacting her and find yourself a girl who wants to be with you. It's obvious that she doesn't feel the same way about you and by wishing and hoping, you'll never let go.
preraph Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 This friendship went bad when you began to develop romantic feelings for her. As a woman, I've been in this position before, and it is very uncomfortable. I told the guy it either stopped all the way now and he develop a social life or that was it. He was one in a group of guys I was sort of close to when I was young. I dated one of his friends. I feel he probably interfered in that some and decades later, may still monitor me to some extent and I do feel he has manipulated the situation with the ex some and perhaps made him feel I am still involved some way with one or the other of them. I have stopped going around where they are, because I am uncomfortable not knowing what exactly is being said or passed on. So this is my friend who became too clingy. He's been married some time now, so I'm no longer the focus, but he still seems to want to dissect the past and thinks he knows everything that went on between me and the friend of his I dated, but he does not, and I'm sure not going to tell him. As for what you do now: You get out of her life like she asked you to do. Don't try to second guess the situation or read between the lines. If her bf did get jealous, well, he read the situation correctly that you are interested in her, and he's within his rights not to want her around someone who's after her. I'm sorry you fell in love with an unavailable woman, but it's time to move on. Whether you feel like it or not, make yourself go out with friends and go do things you enjoy and you will crowd those bad thoughts out of your head with new experiences and new interests. It's the only way. Don't sit around and think about it. 1
Author JoePianist Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 I have been respecting her wishes and haven't contacted her at all. I've tried my best with moving on, but my negative feelings have been flaring up recently upon returning to university & my student assistant job. If she had just *COMMUNICATED* with me that she was feeling uncomfortable and coming a bit too strong, I feel things wouldn't have come to this. If she told me she wanted more space, I would have given it to her. I'm being treated like some kind of crazy stalker who can't deal with feelings of unrequited love, but I was always trying my best to adjust to her cues. I'm so frustrated from all of this...I've made it a point to never abandon people, because I've felt this same hurt over and over again. I never thought it would happen again with this close friend too.
Trnamakesnse Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I have been respecting her wishes and haven't contacted her at all. I've tried my best with moving on, but my negative feelings have been flaring up recently upon returning to university & my student assistant job. If she had just *COMMUNICATED* with me that she was feeling uncomfortable and coming a bit too strong, I feel things wouldn't have come to this. If she told me she wanted more space, I would have given it to her. I'm being treated like some kind of crazy stalker who can't deal with feelings of unrequited love, but I was always trying my best to adjust to her cues. I'm so frustrated from all of this...I've made it a point to never abandon people, because I've felt this same hurt over and over again. I never thought it would happen again with this close friend too. Same, best get used to letting women go if they don't respond to YOUR feelings. Just hurting yourself by sticking around and making them uncomfortable.
somedude81 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 You are just the guy friend who has feelings for his female friend who doesn't like him back. I've been in this situation 100 times. The only thing you can do is cut ties with her and move on. In the future try not to become too close to women you aren't dating.
Grumpybutfun Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Actually she did communicate it to you, but you chose to ignore it. You say she was your friend and yet it seems you took on the possessiveness of a bf by wanting to be with her and contacting her all the time. You almost sound like a stalker. She probably was getting worried for her safety. Read her letter again until you understand that she is afraid of you now because of your persistent and aggressive pursuance. Everything you wrote made me think of a stalker and this is your version of it so the truth is probably 10x worse. She was being nice to you and you misconstrued it for something more. Crushes are okay but only if you know that you are the only one feeling the emotion and you take steps to gauge your emotion and tether it so it doesn't make the other person feel uncomfortable. This has nothing to do with her bf, except he was probably getting worried about you being a stalker after she made some comments to him about your behavior. This does make men possessive and protective, and rightly so. The thought of anyone stalking my wife tends to turn me into bodyguard of the year. He probably felt the same way. Being clingy you probably made her very nervous, and he got busy trying to cut your contact because he knew she was too nice to hurt you any further. Claim that you invaded her space, did not back off when she wanted and vow that you will not do that to anyone in the future because it is just creepy and stalkerish. There are plenty of single girls in this world...pursue them. Best, Grumps
preraph Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Have to just comment on poster's comment that you would have adjusted your behavior if she'd just told you. What would be the point in that? You'd be presenting a false front because you do have more feelings for her. So what on earth would be the point of faking not caring as much. You really must just do your mourning process, which does always include anger, and just move on. Stay busy. Don't sit around festering. Rely on your friends. Go out and don't talk about the situation while out. Go out and do something fun and keep doing that until you get through it. Act professional at school.
Author JoePianist Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Actually she did communicate it to you, but you chose to ignore it. You say she was your friend and yet it seems you took on the possessiveness of a bf by wanting to be with her and contacting her all the time. You almost sound like a stalker. She probably was getting worried for her safety. Read her letter again until you understand that she is afraid of you now because of your persistent and aggressive pursuance. Everything you wrote made me think of a stalker and this is your version of it so the truth is probably 10x worse. Claim that you invaded her space, did not back off when she wanted and vow that you will not do that to anyone in the future because it is just creepy and stalkerish. There are plenty of single girls in this world...pursue them. SHE was the one who was texting me often and inviting me to hang out with her all the time. I find your comment about my sounding like a stalker very insulting.
Grumpybutfun Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 If she was just a friend, you wouldn't be so crestfallen. You liked her, and when she didn't reciprocate your feelings you started becoming clingy, those are your words. She asked for space and you kept pursuing her. She wrote you a letter and kept her bf with her more to keep you at a distance and you still think this was about friendship? You were stalking her or she wouldn't have written you such a letter to someone she initially thought was her friend. People don't cut their friends of unless they are either douches and you said she was nice, or if her bf didn't like you though you said it didn't become a problem until after you developed a crush and became clingy, or if you were making her feel extremely uncomfortable which she wrote in that letter. Is she a douche, was her bf possessive around you prior to you becoming clingy and the letter, or did you make her feel uncomfortable so she needed space? Of course you are insulted that I suggested you were stalking her, but clingy and uncomfortable mixed in with you still trying to figure out how to get with her and be friends again spells stalker. Not trying to hurt you, but you must see that she isn't interested and you have scared her or in the least annoyed her so much that she has been rude to you in order to get you to leave her alone and here you are trying to figure out how to get in her life again. I am trying to help you so you will not repeat this behavior with your next female friend. You do not want I be that guy.... Best of luck, Grumps 1
WordvAction Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Why do you want to remain friends with someone who would do that to you? Not only that, why would you want to continue talking to a girl you have feelings for when she's clearly not interested? This is a poisonous relationship man. Look, you're probably emotional; sounds like you're very emotional. But you need to think about this rationally. You invested way wayyy to much of yourself in this one person and she crushed you. There's no need to ever talk to her again; you don't see her as a friend, and you're clearly not important to her either. Keep up No Contact (please listen to this) and you'll find yourself over her and moving on to cling to someone else! Just kidding about the clinging part, but seriously, keep no contact and you'll find someone else that makes you happy
preraph Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Once the line is crossed and you no longer care that you are making a person uncomfortable and even worried and fearful by continuing to maintain contact, those actions are uninvited and invasive and are not a reflection of love but of trying to regain control, and that is at the core of stalking. Stalking behavior is about wanting power and control over another, whereas love is about wanting to make another person happy and secure. It doesn't matter if in your head, you imagine a scenario in which you would treat her like a queen, because that is an imaginary ideal in your head that you're trying to fit her into. She is not that person , that person doesn't exist, and she knows she is not that person and that your focus is delusionary because you seem to be insisting that if you could just keep talking to her, you could make her agree to be that person who loves you. She's not that person, and she's not interested and wants it to stop interfering with her life. If you don't, then yes, you have crossed that stalker behavior line. You shouldn't keep trying to minimize it by calling it "just want to be her friend" because you know if that were true, you'd have moved on past this by now.
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