Any dumpers out there?

January 11, 2014

I'm just a little curious - do dumpers ever miss and think of the dumpee at all?

Edited January 11, 2014 by love_pink

January 11, 2014

I'm just a little curious - do dumpers ever miss and think of the dumpee at all?

Going through a bad coping day..

I am some what the dumper, she asked what should we do because i was being different. I brought up taking a break/breakup. She agreed and cried.

However it took me 4-5days to ask for her back, she said too soon and that i hurt her and she still has feelings. 2 weeks later she ends it for good, a week later she's seeing a new guy! It's been 2 months since we broke up, still hurting so much. Worst part of it is regret...

January 11, 2014

ofcourse they do.....they feel the same heartbreak as we do but in different time period.

January 11, 2014

ofcourse they do.....they feel the same heartbreak as we do but in different time period.

^^^^ This.

I was the dumpee recently so I cannot tell you from experience but I truly believe what Hurts said.

Think about it. The dumper has had the thought in their head usually for some time. When the dumpee hears it, it's for the first time and sounds out of blue, out of nowhere, when usually there's signals, and if there's not, well, either you missed it or they're really good at keeping their cards to their chest.

I know you're looking for insight from a dumper's perspective, but even from my side of being the dumpee I think if it was a relationship with love and fond memories, which most relationships possess, the dumper most definitely think about the dumpee.

I think the healing process starts sooner for them. They've already had it in their head, when they finally let go and dump the bf/gf, that's it. The mind's been made up. They most likely do a lot of the thinking and reminiscing BEFORE the breakup because they know what they're about to do (help me out, am I wrong with this assessment?), but I think both parties will be reminded of one another when they pass a restaurant you both used to go to, when a song comes on the radio, there are definitely triggers and I think that's natural. Just because the ex may have those thoughts, and even if they miss the other it does not mean they'll reach out.

Hope this helps. Stay strong.

January 11, 2014

It probably does no good, but I really think that the dumper hardly ever feels the pain that the dumpee feels, at least not on a relevantly close level.

The dumper does not have that devastating rejected feeling.

The dumper knows more about why the relationship failed, and has less questions to wrestle with.

The dumper is more responsible for the actual event of breaking up, so he/she gets a head start on rationalizing it, plus they are in a better position to rationalize anyways. They think of all these "good" reasons why they did the right thing. What is the dumpee left with? Trying to rationalize why it was so good they got rejected?

Especially when there is another person involved, like when the dumpee is dumped so the dumper can go after someone else, that's when the dumper's feelings are especially irrelevant compared to the dumpee. Not only is the dumpee left feeling utterly rejected, they also have to wrestle with getting over the feelings of inferiority.

If you get dumped, yes, the dumper hurts too. But it's OK to realize that you need to do what you can to heal YOURSELF. Don't let your feelings for them draw you into feeling sorry for them and allowing yourself to contact them to relieve their conscience when they feel guilty. You need to focus on YOUR healing. Their conscience is not your problem, and they will likely move on faster than you anyways. Why help them get over you even faster when they are already going to? No need to feel guilty, if they respect you at all they will understand that YOUR healing, not theirs, should be your first priority.

January 11, 2014

Well, it depends...

I'm hurting more than my ex (the dumpee)

But generally, dumpers don't care at all.

January 11, 2014

well if it was a loving rl a long term like 3 plus years. and if the dumpee like me has knowledge on the dumping subject(i came on these forums before getting dumped and read all the stuff gigs sydrome how to ignore how to do nc) and when my ex dumper asked to break up she got shocked by my attitude.no begging nth.just a polite yes ok take care thing. since that call i dropped from the universe. in an era of 2 month she was calling for ego boost. then for confirmation and some months after she was calling for probably a recon.? i ignored all. let her swim in the darkness she asked. i am sure that after her head stops spinning in the gigs playground she is she gonna be the one begging calling but till then i am gonna be completely healed. so i dont know.

so in a short . dumpees get through the exact pain we do if we dont make them a favor boosting their ego and calming their guilt.

so my dumpee hearts out there. literaly get vanished from everywhere. they will go crazy for real. and then they will go rasionaly crazy. and ofcourse you will benefit from getting healed the best way.

kissess to all.

-john

January 11, 2014

I don't believe they feel pain like us dumpees do. I somewhat I agree they've had their head start, they've made their mind up and doubley made it up by the time they do it.

I don't believe they mourn for the relationship like dumpees do. I recall being absolutley gutted a few months ago and cried so hard I thought I didn't have anymore tears left.

I highly doubt my ex sat in his room, alone, wondering how I was, what I was doing, if he had made the right choice. - guilt basically.

I could well be wrong, he could have been miserable. But I know that we feel it much worse and we find it harder to get over. Most of us have questions that are unanswered, no closure and you are left to wonder what you did so wrong.

January 11, 2014

One thing I do know...there's always room for regret for the dumper...like, did I make a mistake? Was I foolish for doing that? The dumpee only has 1 choice...to mourn and move on.

The dumper has all the power unfortunately...the dumpee has no choice.

January 11, 2014

I think the dumper does think and miss the dumpee but probably a lot less than the dumpee thinks about the dumper.

Mine checked up on me a lot either to ease his guilt to be less worried or for curiosity.

I also don't think dumpers want to think about it because some do feel guilty and remorse for the pain they put the dumpee through or they don't want to even think about it in case they have second doubts.

The dumpee however thinks about the relationship a lot from a what went wrong, why was I rejected perspective.

This is however just based on what I've read in forums mostly.

January 11, 2014

It depends on the situation. I was the "dumper" (after dating for a year and things getting more serious I found that he had an active online dating profile).. But I have a hard time considering myself as a true dumper. I did it because I have boundaries and I knew that the relationship was not as serious as I thought it was and would probably never be what I wanted.

Do I think about him? Yep. Do I battle with regret? Not really.

I want him to reach out, tell me he misses me and regrets what he's done but... It won't change my opinion on the relationship being over. In this scenario I think I am like a real dumper. I want to know he cares and that he misses me but I know that I can't be with someone I don't trust who still leaves one foot outside the door.

It's a perfect example of why you should have no contact. He did wrong. He made excuses and never actually apologized. I should be delighted in moving on but because I haven't heard from him, don't know how he feels, wonder if he hurts, I still think about him. Regardless of what he says I wouldn't be willing to pursue another relationship. But I do want to hear from him to set my curiosity to rest.

Trust from my example. Make no contact. As the dumper I can tell you it will only boost our ego, reaffirm we did the right thing, and help us move on. There is a lot of power in remaining NC. Trust that if the relationship meant something to the dumper they do think about you. Trust that if you maintain NC they still have curiosity. Also that when a dumpee is gone the dumper will start to reflect on the good aspects of that person. Leave it at that. Doesn't mean we want the relationship back, just that we are curious and have good memories.. In NC only!

January 11, 2014

I have always been the dumper. Never once have I been dumped but I have felt a lot of pain. Probably as much as the people I've dumped but spread out more so it's less intense. Because I was the dumper a lot of my processing was done - in the relationship - before I left.

This is the key advantage the dumper has- he or she is never blind sided by the choice to end the relationship. He or she may have weeks, months, or even years to get used to the idea while the dumpee has to process it all at once.

January 11, 2014

There's dumpers for different reasons. I'm one because my Ex was mean to me when he drank. He was very emotionally & mentally abusive, I walked on eggshells around him. He told me "be careful what you say to me and how you say it"...

After leaving my family and moving thousands of miles to be with him he would go into these frightening rages. He would rant about things created in his head. I mean vulgar crazy stuff. I would sit & just look at him quietly, things were becoming very dysfunctional and quick..He's extremely arrogant, and stubborn. Always has been, wouldn't admit he had a drinking problem. So I left. Thinking he would come around and see what he lost, but instead shut me out...His usual way of doing things..I spoke to him once and he said__ " I don't know why I take it out on you?"...that's it...He shut down after that never took my calls or texts. I hurt like hell for leaving, but should I have stayed?

A little background. He's in his very late 40's and used to be a drug dealer years ago for 10 yrs.. He had a hard street life growing up-and never really knew how to love a woman. Did I mention he has 3 baby mommas and 3 adult kids and 2 younger ones?..yet wanted to marry me, and we have no children together. He always said I was the best thing that every happened to him. It was ALWAYS about what I could do for him..He would step away from the counter as I paid for everything. It was just the way it was. (He did pay at times)--I guess I thought I could rehabilitate him into the husband i wanted. He has a wonderful personality, that's what caught my heart years ago..He's the bad boy type. Need I say more? Heard he's messing around with someone who has $$$. Doesn't surprise me.

But when those types of guys love, they love hard. I know he loved me. I was his heart.

January 11, 2014

There's dumpers for different reasons. I'm one because my Ex was mean to me when he drank. He was very emotionally & mentally abusive, I walked on eggshells around him. He told me "be careful what you say to me and how you say it"...

After leaving my family and moving thousands of miles to be with him he would go into these frightening rages. He would rant about things created in his head. I mean vulgar crazy stuff. I would sit & just look at him quietly, things were becoming very dysfunctional and quick..He's extremely arrogant, and stubborn. Always has been, wouldn't admit he had a drinking problem. So I left. Thinking he would come around and see what he lost, but instead shut me out...His usual way of doing things..I spoke to him once and he said__ " I don't know why I take it out on you?"...that's it...He shut down after that never took my calls or texts. I hurt like hell for leaving, but should I have stayed?

A little background. He's in his very late 40's and used to be a drug dealer years ago for 10 yrs.. He had a hard street life growing up-and never really knew how to love a woman. Did I mention he has 3 baby mommas and 3 adult kids and 2 younger ones?..yet wanted to marry me, and we have no children together. He always said I was the best thing that every happened to him. It was ALWAYS about what I could do for him..He would step away from the counter as I paid for everything. It was just the way it was. (He did pay at times)--I guess I thought I could rehabilitate him into the husband i wanted. He has a wonderful personality, that's what caught my heart years ago..He's the bad boy type. Need I say more? Heard he's messing around with someone who has $$$. Doesn't surprise me.

But when those types of guys love, they love hard. I know he loved me. I was his heart.

I have a habit of choosing emotionally unavailable "bad boys" too...and I am not sure they love anyone but themselves. Other people are just useful to them. As for me, maybe it is because I was abused as a child that I think it is acceptable for someone to treat me like manure.

You cannot "rehabilitate" anyone like that. You can love them, give and give, but all they give is a broken heart. The awesome personality is not a trade off for treating someone with respect and love. I am learning that...slowly. I have passed over lots of nice guys in favor of being treated poorly and disrespectfully. Time wasted being unhappy by choice.

January 11, 2014

Think of? Yes. Miss? No.

January 11, 2014

I wonder about this alot at the minute.

Im lying on the bed with my 2 kids as my little girl wont sleep without me, this is the third night i have had them and she hasnt seen the kids since thusday morning and wonder if my ex the dumper is even thinking about them or maybe even us.

I wonder how cold hearted you have to be to willingly not see your kids as i know id rather crawl through the fires of hell than choosingly spend a day away from my kids.

I really hope it was worth it.

January 11, 2014

I dumped 7 times and I've been dumped twice.

As a dumper I think about my exes but I don't miss them.

January 11, 2014

Absolutely. I Miss her like crazy. I really do. But sometimes you know its best to break up for the long term. But that doesnt make it easy. Its really hard.

I really wish I didn't have to do it.

January 12, 2014

As the dumper i was unhappy and questioned my decision. I didn't have a new person as the fallback. Every time I've dumped I've had a vindictive dumper date someone 5 minutes later, unlike me. The dumpers have been cruel and vindictive either turning everyone against me or gloating about their new life. They don't seem to regret ending things in a bad note at all. They don't seem to regret losing a good girlfriend either.

January 12, 2014

gloating about their new life.

Yeah I got this after meeting her sometime ago. She was boasting about all the things that happened to her after we broke up. I just laughed in my head as it shows the type of person who she really is/was. It actually shows insecurity in my eyes.

In the end I'm thankful that we broke up. No chance I could have spent my life with a person who I thought I knew but really didn't.

I know for a fact that she misses me from friends of friends. Her loss, my gain.

January 12, 2014

I have been reading all about how dumpers are struggling, suffer earlier than us...

But my exboyfriend just dumped me within a day....saying the day before he realized his feelings had changed when he saw me in person (it was a LDR, I finally got a chance to give him a surprise visit after receiving my passport...see how well it went...)

It only took him one day....because he said before he held on to the relationship even his feelings expired...he lived in lies for two years...so he wanted to cut it quick this time...but isnt't a day a bit too quick? He said he was absolutely certain and already the day of breakup he encourage me to date other guys...how fast he recovered....makes me wondered if he ever really cares about me... while more than a month later I still cry everyday...I know he is not happy now, but only because he is not a happy person in gernal, not because of my absence

January 12, 2014

I don't think it's every good to paint any group of people with the same broad brush stroke. I've been a dumper as much as a dumpee.

I left a seven year relationship because my partner was a narcissistic abuser and failed to live up to any promise he made me (like getting a job, among other things). That departure was carefully thought out for a very long time, and I had "checked out" of the relationship months before I left.

I then briefly dated a younger man for about 7 or 8 months, but got freaked out about the age difference and dumped him out of the blue. He was really good to me and didn't deserve how I treated him. I felt immense guilt and shame over how I behaved. I thought of him very often and deeply regretted my decision. By the time I worked up the guts to talk to him, I found out he was moving to Venezuela so any chance at a reconciliation was shot. I still think about him to this day.

Every relationship, the people in it, and the reasons for the break up are different. You can't generally say all dumpers forget the dumpee, have immediately moved on and will never think about you. I see that so often around various relationship boards.

I think any dumpee is better served by focusing on what they can control and do know about, which is them and how they are feeling post break up. Sure, our thoughts go to the dumper often, and that's normal, but it's best to focus on yourself, allow yourself to feel your emotions and process them, and also nurture yourself as best you can to help heal.

January 12, 2014

I'm just a little curious - do dumpers ever miss and think of the dumpee at all?

Yes, frequently. I can't vouch for everyone, but coming to the decision to break up was not an easy one. It gnawed at me for ages. There were a lot of things wrong, and I ignored them for far too long. When I tried to raise the issues she would say that nothing was wrong or I'm being a sook. I would usually just go quiet and we'd keep going like nothing was wrong. Basically even though it was a long time coming I miss her and I think a part of me will always love her deep down. We spent a long time together, you don't just pick up and forget right away. If anyone can do this then they are inhuman.

I especially feel guilty of the circumstances surrounding the break up (I fell in love with someone else at the end). Being dumped for someone else must be an unimaginable pain and a real damage to the ego. Thus I do feel bad for sort of pulling the rug out a bit, especially as she showed signs of improving at the end when she sensed I was no longer invested. But it was too late. This is something I think about a lot. The "what if" will always be there I guess.

I think about her a lot, it's especially painful when I remember the good times we had. I've cried a few times. But rose tinted glasses are common. I remember the bad stuff and I feel much better in my decision for leaving. That, and also my new relationship is many many times better than my old one.

January 12, 2014

Even if they did think of the dumpees,

that doesn't translate to that they want to be back in a relationship.

January 12, 2014

I'm a dumper and it takes time for me to realize what I have done.

I'm not just hurting the person I dumped, but I am hurting myself

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