FnlyFrei Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 (edited) After dating on and off for over two years, many break-ups, and lots of tears, my ex gave me a ring for Christmas..which really surprised me...he isn't the ring type...so I was hopeful that things were changing. Last night, after an argument that started over nothing it seemed...he asked for it back. I cried, and begged..( yes, pitiful) he took the ring back and told me to leave. I packed my things and left. He texted me while I was driving home, and said that he was sorry, and that I deserved better. I told him to f*** off and die, and to leave me alone. It has been a long night, and I have cried a lot, I have fought the urge to text him...which has been really difficult, but I don't know what I would say anyhow. Things were going well...I thought...I am still stunned. The kicker is that we work at the same place. How do I handle this? I know I can not talk to him if I work hard at not doing so by text etc..but what if I see him in the hall? In the past this has always killed me...no matter how rejected, how horrible he has treated me, when I see him I crumble, we end up talking and we have gotten back together. ...many, many times. This time has to be different. I cant take being jerked around emotionally anymore...even though I still think I love him...he obviously doesn't love me the same way. Should I take time off of work, or should I just go and pretend he doesn't exist? What things should I do to help me cope and NOT contact him? And how do I deal with it when he most probably will eventually come back (again) and say he misses me? I have been a door mat, and have taken him back after episodes time after time...but I cant this time. This is killing me...again. Edited January 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
flightplan Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Picasso said there are two types of women... goddesses and doormats. The older I've become, the more it rings true. You teach people how to treat you. A man would not treat you like this, especially one who loves and adores you. What you have is not true, emotionally mature love... you have a boy who can't figure out what he wants. Decide if you want to be a doormat or treated like a goddess. Don't accept anything less. 4
TaraMaiden Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Read the No Contact Guide in my signature. The guide was originally written by a guy who also worked with his ex. She dumped him during a particularly difficult and burdensome emotional time he was going through. The secret is to remain aloof, professional, composed and dignified. At work, discussions must only focus on, and concern work matter, and work matters only. No small talk, no 'off-topic' chit-chat, no niceties, no personal emotional stuff which could trigger a trip-up. Don't be scared to protect your heart. You are not obliged in any way to succumb to his mind-phukking ways. Leave him be, avoid direct and prolonged eye-contact as much as possible, and keep discussions monosyllabic. This has been painful for you. it's time to implement damage-limitation devices and let him know in no uncertain way that the boat has well and truly sailed, and he is absolutely not on it. you go gurl..... 3
polynomial Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Sounded like my story. I also had an on and off relationship of 2 years with many break ups. Until he dealt the final blow. And I can relate SO much with crawling back to him when he's miserable etc etc. But enough is enough! Just ignore the hell out of him and do NOT make ANY contact. It's clear this relationship will NEVER work, especially in the near future. You both need to sort yourself out properly and this requires time.
Author FnlyFrei Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Thank you for the link to the no contact guidelines. I really need a concrete thing to follow at this point. I really hate feeling so emotional and out of control, this will help. 1
polynomial Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Thank you for the link to the no contact guidelines. I really need a concrete thing to follow at this point. I really hate feeling so emotional and out of control, this will help. it will get better with time but the emotional rollecoaster feeling may last some time, do your best to keep NC and you'll get through this 1
Author FnlyFrei Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Thank you Poly. This place is my refuge right now. I am wanting to stay in bed all day, or die, but I know I will soon have to face the day. He probably will be back in a while....saying he misses me. I have to find the strength to not feed into it...again...because it will just end the same way. I am tired of feeling crippled and controlled by this relationship. And I know I am the one who allowed it for so long.
polynomial Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Thank you Poly. This place is my refuge right now. I am wanting to stay in bed all day, or die, but I know I will soon have to face the day. He probably will be back in a while....saying he misses me. I have to find the strength to not feed into it...again...because it will just end the same way. I am tired of feeling crippled and controlled by this relationship. And I know I am the one who allowed it for so long. I stayed in my bed throughout the holiday season and still occasionaly do. I understand how easy it would be to give in if he comes back saying he misses you, but in reality if he comes back in the near future, he hasn't changed, you haven't changed and as you said, everything will end the same way. I wish you best of luck cause really, I've been there, exact same position, on-off relationships are really toxic.
TaraMaiden Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Thank you for the link to the no contact guidelines. I really need a concrete thing to follow at this point. I really hate feeling so emotional and out of control, this will help. I advise people to print off sufficient copies of it to entirely paper their living space, floor to ceiling, to hang a copy in 'the smallest room' and take a copy of it wherever they go, in their wallet or purse....! That way, you can't be found on the back foot and wondering what to do next.... Good luck, be strong! 1
Author FnlyFrei Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 I stayed in my bed throughout the holiday season and still occasionaly do. I understand how easy it would be to give in if he comes back saying he misses you, but in reality if he comes back in the near future, he hasn't changed, you haven't changed and as you said, everything will end the same way. I wish you best of luck cause really, I've been there, exact same position, on-off relationships are really toxic. Staying in bed just seems to allow me to think more...which I would rather not do. We had gone for nearly...nearly...four months this time between breakups. Instead of talking over problems..he would just break up with me in the past. He doesn't know how to deal with a relationship at all. For some reason I thought if I was patient he would learn how. He was two different people...affectionate and kind...then to cold and indifferent...constantly...it hurt my feelings. That is what happened last night. I told him if he wasn't going to even look at me I was going to go home...I tried to explain that it hurt my feelings...and I just needed to know he cared. His response was to kick me out instead. Coldly, abruptly...I don't think he planned it. He just didn't want to have to discuss us. Too much work.
TaraMaiden Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 That's called being Passive-Aggressive. Controlling by doing nothing. I call it being a phekking Drama-Queen.
futureswimmer Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Fnlyfrei, Im so sorry for your heart break. Where as myself, and a lot other people is going through the same thing. It does take some time, and always use this board as a refuge. Whether its to ask for advice, or just post your thoughts. You stated that in the relationship, you guys broke up many many times. what did you do the last time to heal? Think back to those incidents, and how you still had to get up and carry on in life. Yes its hard, but you still have to live and be happy.
Author FnlyFrei Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 That's called being Passive-Aggressive. Controlling by doing nothing. I call it being a phekking Drama-Queen. I guess I pushed it because I did not want to spend my Friday evening with an ice burg who would ignore me until bedtime and then expects sex. I told him that actually, that I felt like he wasn't there, and that I needed to leave if he was in a "mood". Apparently I was spot on about his dark mood..and should have not pressed the issue. But I am tired of walking on egg shells when my feelings are hurt, and begging for affection. I wasn't being needy. I went to the gym when I sensed it..and after I got back he remained in his mood. I took a bath and still...he was on another planet. When I tried to communicate how I felt, he became defensive...then angry. I guess if we couldn't even talk...how can we have had a real relationship ? Now I am analyzing it to death....feeling like I was the one who screwed everything up.
Author FnlyFrei Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 So...he just texted me. I don't get it, take your ring back, make her cry bitterly, tell her you don't love her anymore, and then text her to see if she wants to talk after all that?!?!?? WTH?
TaraMaiden Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Don't reply!! Send the line in the NC Guide, back to him! You know - the 'Your message could not be delivered.....' one....
seekingpeaceinlove Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Fnly, your story stuck an emotional chord with me. My ex and I had a rocky 1.5 year relationship. He also did not know how to deal with a relationship and broke up with me about 5 times before the final break up 5 months ago. Our fights would start over something small and end up with him kicking me out of his place or leaving mine abruptly. I would cry, beg, chase after him and rather than sitting and working through the issues, he would throw his hands up in the air and declare that the relationship was "ridiculous" and that we needed to break up. Soon after, he would say how much he loved me and that he didn't want to be apart. It still amazes me what kind of person I became when I was with him...Weak, emotional and desperate. I had NEVER been this kind of person before. I was unhappy in the relationship but loved so deeply that I stayed in hopes that he would change. He never did. In fact, he ended up dumping me for good. Yes, I have my faults and I admit them all. My ex, with his huge ego, never thought he had to change. I believe is he incapable of having a healthy relationship with anyone. More importantly, I've accepted that he is not the right man for me and could never give me what I need. The first time he broke up with me should've been the last but I'm am a person who likes to live with no regrets and will try everything possible before calling it quits. Unfortunately, I did not have the courage and the strength to walk away even though I knew he would never change and that I deserved better. Ask yourself, is this the type of person you want as your life partner? Really think about this. He may love you but he may not be capable of loving you the way you need. If he hasn't grown and the relationship hasn't grown, what are you two working towards? Today, I am SO much better off than when I was riding that emotional roller coaster with my ex. He did me a huge favor by breaking up with me. I am no longer anxious, desperate, needy, depressed, or angry. For the first time in a long time I feel like myself again and I will never allow myself to get that low with anyone ever again. You deserve a man who will not leave you when things get rough. You deserve someone who is ready and willing to put in the effort to make a relationship work with you. Until you believe this, you will be stuck in this miserable cycle with your ex. You know deep down what you need to do. Stick with NC and focus on yourself. In time, you'll look back and realize that your ex did you a favor as well. Staying in bed just seems to allow me to think more...which I would rather not do. We had gone for nearly...nearly...four months this time between breakups. Instead of talking over problems..he would just break up with me in the past. He doesn't know how to deal with a relationship at all. For some reason I thought if I was patient he would learn how. He was two different people...affectionate and kind...then to cold and indifferent...constantly...it hurt my feelings. That is what happened last night. I told him if he wasn't going to even look at me I was going to go home...I tried to explain that it hurt my feelings...and I just needed to know he cared. His response was to kick me out instead. Coldly, abruptly...I don't think he planned it. He just didn't want to have to discuss us. Too much work.
Author FnlyFrei Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 I violated the NC by responding..he texted "Wanna talk yet?" (After I TRIED to rationally talk to him last night) I just responded "About what." I am elated that he texted me in one sense..but I know that is stupid after spending a sleepless night crying and ripping up the cards and ticket stubs from our relationship. Does a person who really loves you do this? I will not respond again. I should just hurl my phone into a deep, dark abyss. I hate how weak I am and how weak this bullsquat has made me over the past two years.
Author FnlyFrei Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Now he is texting me that I am still his "girl" and that he loves me. Not, "I'm sorry." Just basically "forget what happened and continue on as before". He also said if I did not answer he was going to come to my house. Should I let him in if he does? Or should I not answer the door?
TaraMaiden Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 See? Passive-aggressive control. Text him this: WORD FOR WORD. "Your message could not be delivered because the recipient has blocked this number." Then, go out. Visit a friend, call your parents - anything. But do not be home tonight. Turn your 'phone off, and on Monday, contact your server to see about changing your number, even by one digit, because you keep receiving spam/stalking calls. DO. IT. 1
goldfighter3 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Assess what you really want. Tell him you need some time to think about whether you really want to be in a relationship with him. Take some of the power back, and with luck it will also get him thinking about his behaviour. Then if you decide you do really want to be with him, see if he wants to talk. When you talk, make it clear to him that if he wants to be with you, you BOTH need to work at the relationship, and that that means communicating even when your angry, or when you think it might upset the other person. It means when he is angry and not talking (I used to do the same thing, and wish to hell i'd been given the chance to work on that, although I usually talked about what I was angry about later), he needs to be able to toughen up and actually talk to you. Bottom line, if you do end up getting back together, you really really need to make sure he knows things have to be different. That may even involve couples counselling, which can be incredibly helpful in getting those issues out in the open. So...he just texted me. I don't get it, take your ring back, make her cry bitterly, tell her you don't love her anymore, and then text her to see if she wants to talk after all that?!?!?? WTH? 1
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