Hopeful30 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 My current man isn't a very affectionate person, and this bothers me. I've communicated this to him and he said he will try to be more affectionate. I have done some research online and have seen so many people saying that "Maybe he wants to be affectionate, but he doesn't know how" followed by, "Just tell him specifically what you want him to do, like tell him to hold your hand, or to stroke your hair." This seems a bit odd because... well I mean... "Hey baby? Can you put your arm around me? Thanks." But apparently from my research, sometimes men need you to be this specific because telling them "I would like for you to be more affectionate" isn't enough. Is this true? Would it be helpful if women were this specific about what they wanted from you? Or would you find it annoying? Thanks!
TaraMaiden Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Don't expect change any time soon. It sounds as if you'd like him to become 'Mr Sincere Romantic' overnight. well, it's not going to happen. There could be a gazillion different factors or reasons as to why he's just not demonstrative, but the fact is and the fact remains, it's almost impossible for a person to sustain an aspect of character they are not blessed with to begin with.... Can you be a more angry/assertive/extrovert/foul-mouthed/promisxuous person? Overnight? Without constant encouragement? (I'm not saying you'd WANT to be any of those things - in fact, they may well go against the grain. Just ass being more demonstrative does with him.) You may have to accept that this is as good as it gets. And you and only you can decide whether you can live with that. If he changes for you, it's because he really wants to. Not because you require it..... 2
Aquanut Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 If you want something specific you have to ask for it. We all show affection in different ways. His way of showing it (assuming he feels it) may not mesh with how you feel it. Research the 5 primary love languages. Sounds like yours may be physical touch. If his is acts of service, he can be showing you all kinds of love and you won't feel it if what you need is an arm around your shoulder or a tender caress. 2
carhill Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 1. Each person is different, both in how they define what affection is and in what they value as affection. Neither men nor women are generally mind-readers (none I've known anyway) so we use communication. That said, I have noted that women often complain about their men being less 'intuitive' than they are and more responsive to 'direct' and 'specific' suggestions and/or statements. Perhaps give that a try, even though it doesn't seem 'intuitive' that you should have to 'direct' him. 2. Show him and use affirmative statements, e.g. 'I love it when/if you put your arm around my waist when we're walking together' or 'When/if you run your fingers through my hair, chills go through me. That's wonderful.'. If he's inactive or needs 'direction', perform the affectionate act and then talk about it in positive terms. Encourage him. 4
Author Hopeful30 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Yes!! He shows it by doing me favours or simply making my life easier by fixing my car for me or something.... Which I notice and appreciate, just that I had another guy friend tell me that "You're supposed to do these things when you're dating someone, it's part of a man's obligations, it might not necessarily mean he really likes you, just that he's filling his duty as a man." And this is what made me think twice....
carhill Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Yes!! He shows it by doing me favours or simply making my life easier by fixing my car for me or something.... You're apparently talking about 'love languages'. That's a different topic than showing affection, which is one specific love language. If you're happy with him fixing your car as a sign of affection (IME, it was my 'job' as a husband since I do it for a living), then I guess that can work for you. I never connected fixing a greasy, smelly mechanical device with affection for my wife; giving her a foot bath after a long day on her feet and a massage, yeah. Different strokes I guess
sagetalk Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Date the person you want, not someone that you will change into what you want. He probably just isn't an affectionate person. A girl never needed to tell me to be affectionate. 4
Author Hopeful30 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Date the person you want, not someone that you will change into what you want. He probably just isn't an affectionate person. A girl never needed to tell me to be affectionate. I'm not going to dump a guy because of ONE thing. It's called working together. Just because women never complained about affectionate with you doesn't make you an ideal mate just for that one quality, just like how if a man isn't affectionate it doesn't make him a bad guy.... it's just how he is. But we talked about it and he agreed that if it's important to me (which it is) that he will try to be more affectionate, so now I have to fill my part and see what I can do to help make that happen.
somedude81 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 If you want something specific you have to ask for it. We all show affection in different ways. His way of showing it (assuming he feels it) may not mesh with how you feel it. Research the 5 primary love languages. Sounds like yours may be physical touch. If his is acts of service, he can be showing you all kinds of love and you won't feel it if what you need is an arm around your shoulder or a tender caress. Yes!! He shows it by doing me favours or simply making my life easier by fixing my car for me or something.... Which I notice and appreciate, just that I had another guy friend tell me that "You're supposed to do these things when you're dating someone, it's part of a man's obligations, it might not necessarily mean he really likes you, just that he's filling his duty as a man." And this is what made me think twice.... That's exactly it. As soon as I saw your first post I thought it was a 5 Love Languages thing. Then your next post about doing you favors and fixing your car confirmed it for me. From what I can tell, his love language is not being Affectionate. If you want him to be more affectionate with you, you are going to have to tell him. His love language is Acts of Service. He shows his love for you by doing things for you. Do a little research online. I'm actually reading the book now. It's pretty interesting and not long. I'd also like to point out that him not being affectionate is most definitely not a guy thing. My primary love language is Affection. I always want to have some physical contact with my girl and it makes me happy. While on the other hand, I don't really care about doing favors and other stuff. 2
KathyM Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I would consider this a dealbreaker. Sorry, but affection should come naturally. It sounds like he is just not a match in that respect. If you were married, I would suggest working on communicating your needs/desires, but since you are just dating this guy, it's time to pull the plug. Dating is a time of finding out if you both are compatible on different levels, and from what you've said, it appears that you are not. You may not think this is such a big issue now, but after years into the relationship, it's going to feel like pulling teeth to get what you want from him. I currently counsel two couples with this same issue. The women are starved for affection, while their husband/SO just doesn't seem to have it in him to be the affectionate person the woman wants. We are trying to work on communicating desires and improving libido and affection in general, but it's an uphill battle. You are still early into the relationship and not married, so I would suggest you consider this a dealbreaker. I've seen how difficult it is to get an unaffectionate man to be something that he is not. That's what I'm working with some of my clients on. It's difficult to change a person's natural tendency. 1
soccerrprp Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 There are a number of reasons why some are not as adept at showing and demonstrating affection. People who did not grow up with it or rarely received it are examples. My gf "was" (is) like this. She was not used getting PDA from me so freely and she had to get used to it. She loves it, but admitted that it was a tad uncomfortable at first. If receiving was a little uncomfortable, imagine such a person trying to give it. She's a lot better on all counts. Yes, you may have to be specific about how you want affection. I am convinced that it does not come naturally for many people and certainly not in the manner that you may want it expressed. 3
Lady2163 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 You can tell him what you want, but there are ways to show him. I like to hold hands. Normally, I am the one to initiate this the first few times. Usually, I smile and say, "when you go out in the big, bad world, hold hands!" Or "I believe, when you go out in the world together, you should hold hands." Or "I like to hold hands." The other piece of information that works for me is, a woman often touches a man the way she wants him to touch her. If that is true for you, tell him. I'm not all that fond of quick pecks, but I have been known to grab my different bf and have a quick, erotic make out session and then go back to whatever I was doing. Yes, it is more sexual than affectionate. But, usually when that action has been returned and he has shoved me against a wall, planted one on me, it has resulted in some pretty hot floor sex. What do you want that is affection to you?
Onethirtyeight Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I take it as a bad sign if a girl is asking me to change anything about myself. Only exception to that might be grooming and maybe the way I dress. The reason I say that is if you come across as trying to change him there is a good chance he'll dig in and not change. Maybe you can be more outwardly affectionate to him and if he likes you, and isn't incredibly awkward, he'll put his arm around you if you lean on him. He's probably just shy and doesn't know what's appropriate and when.
sagetalk Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 just like how if a man isn't affectionate it doesn't make him a bad guy.... it's just how he is. But we talked about it and he agreed that if it's important to me (which it is) that he will try to be more affectionate, so now I have to fill my part and see what I can do to help make that happen. It doesn't make him bad, but it may make him bad for you. Look at your reply, you responded with how you can help to change him. You cannot change a man. If you are trying to, you are making a huge mistake. It is his choice how he wants to be. He made his decision about affection before he ever met you. Accept it, or move on. If you cannot do this, you will always be disappointed because of unrealistic expectations of someone changing who they are for you.
Author Hopeful30 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 It doesn't make him bad, but it may make him bad for you. Look at your reply, you responded with how you can help to change him. You cannot change a man. If you are trying to, you are making a huge mistake. It is his choice how he wants to be. He made his decision about affection before he ever met you. Accept it, or move on. If you cannot do this, you will always be disappointed because of unrealistic expectations of someone changing who they are for you. No one said anything about change. He said himself that he wants me to be happy, and if showing a bit more affection will do that, than he is more than willing. I am not forcing him to do anything. I'm simply asking how I can help him out since he's the one who said he wants to be more affectionate since it's so important to me. This isn't about changing a person, it's about making small compromises to make the other person happy. 1
Trnamakesnse Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 In reply to OP, yes I am this stupid. Maybe not always but sometimes just having a woman actually say what she needs helps me alot. It means to me atleast she cares enough to be clear on her meaning. Affection might be a lot of things I can try xD 2
Els Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 How long have you been with this guy, Hopeful? I think it depends on what level of 'lack of affection' you are talking about, and how much it matters to you. If it matters a lot, yes, talk to him about it. In a general sense, as in "I love it when you put your arm around me", not "Please put your arm around me now." SD is quite right re: the different love languages, but IME someone who truly cares will at least make a bit of effort in a love language that you care for, even if it doesn't come naturally to him. You need to give him a chance and tell him that you care about it, though. Yes!! He shows it by doing me favours or simply making my life easier by fixing my car for me or something.... Which I notice and appreciate, just that I had another guy friend tell me that "You're supposed to do these things when you're dating someone, it's part of a man's obligations, it might not necessarily mean he really likes you, just that he's filling his duty as a man." And this is what made me think twice.... I'm going to get some backlash for this, but IME, again, male friends are not necessarily the best people to talk to about your current relationship. Some male friends might have ulterior motives in the advice that they give you, even subconscious ones that they themselves don't realize. Not all do, of course, some are genuine and give good advice, but it might be a good idea to take what they say with a grain of salt. IMO, if a guy is investing a lot of time and effort in you, it is a good sign that he actually does like you. 2
Author Hopeful30 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Thank you Elswyth for your response. I hadn't considered that this male friend might have other motives (although I really don't think so) but it might be something to keep in mind. I agree that if a man invests time and effort than it really shows for something and yes, if he is trying to be more affectionate than it really does show efforts on his part and I truly appreciate it. I've heard this love languages thing everywhere, so I did some research and it really did make some things clear to me, however the nearest book stores didn't have it in stock!! I guess i'm not the only one dealing with this kind of situation 1
Elias33 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Yes, affection should be part of a relationship. I totally agree with ya. And no, it's not a normal thing for guys to show no affection, that is just generally accepted, or considered macho. All garbage of course. Showing affection means opening up, and that may be scary for some guys, or not considered manly. Who knows. He should read some books, he is neglecting an important part of communicating love. So he doesn't want to open up because he is scared, or he doesn't know how to show his love for you in an adult manner. But somehow, he won you over right?
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I doubt he can just be "more affectionate". This is how he is.
xxoo Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Yes!! He shows it by doing me favours or simply making my life easier by fixing my car for me or something.... Which I notice and appreciate, just that I had another guy friend tell me that "You're supposed to do these things when you're dating someone, it's part of a man's obligations, it might not necessarily mean he really likes you, just that he's filling his duty as a man." And this is what made me think twice.... Don't listen to your friends' criticisms of your partner. If you are happy, trust yourself. 4
nescafe1982 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I regularly request things from my boyfriend. "Hey, tell me how awesome I look in this dress." "I sooo want you to put your hand here..." "Hey, tell me that story about the night we went out to the docks." "You know what I find really hot and sexy? You, in an apron, doing the dishes. Rawr." I figure it's a more honest means of getting what I want than doing what a lot of women do: laying down passive hints and hoping he can read my mind. My guy is wonderful, but he doesn't always *get* hints. He does, however, happily respond to requests as long as I put them in a light-hearted, flirty way. 2
Els Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Thank you Elswyth for your response. I hadn't considered that this male friend might have other motives (although I really don't think so) but it might be something to keep in mind. I agree that if a man invests time and effort than it really shows for something and yes, if he is trying to be more affectionate than it really does show efforts on his part and I truly appreciate it. I've heard this love languages thing everywhere, so I did some research and it really did make some things clear to me, however the nearest book stores didn't have it in stock!! I guess i'm not the only one dealing with this kind of situation I haven't read the whole book either, just the summary. It's pretty self-evident from the summary though IMO. Glad it clarified some things for you, it certainly did for me. Hopefully you two will be able to reach a nice compromise! 1
Els Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I figure it's a more honest means of getting what I want than doing what a lot of women do: laying down passive hints and hoping he can read my mind. My guy is wonderful, but he doesn't always *get* hints. He does, however, happily respond to requests as long as I put them in a light-hearted, flirty way. Yup, pretty much. Don't overdo it, of course, OP - men like to make those gestures of their own accord (or like to think that they do ) - but stating how much you love something just once can do wonders. Sometimes people with the best intentions just don't realize how much something means to you until you say it. 2
FitChick Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 It's like rejecting someone for having bad table manners when they never learned them. I did not grow up in a demonstrative household. It took my first serious boyfriend to show me that being affectionate wasn't odd. I actually liked it. So from that point on, I had no problem grabbing a man's hand or arm while walking or running my fingers through his hair or rubbing his back, whatever. I've put a man's arm around my shoulders in the movies and snuggled against him. I never had anyone recoil or pull away. Act AND ask. Soon he will get into the habit. 2
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