irc333 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I have a friend of mine, she's female, attractive, and a Christian woman. She's on POF, actually I met her on POF before ever meeting her at a Meetup event. SHe's very active in her church, plays the organ and other events with her kids that are involved at the church as well. Thing is though, she never mentions this in her profile...I mean other than the selection for "religion" she put "Christian, but nothing more. No, "I'm involved with my kids church functions, and I play the organ as well". She is very involved, but I find it kind of surpsiging that she didn't mention any of that in her profile. In a chat one day, I asked about this. She said that she would like to save that conversation for when she starts to date a guy, otherwise if she were to put all that in her profile, she would think guys would just assume "Bible beater" or "Jesus freak" and skip her profile. Any of you purposely leave out information for fear that it might deter people. The whole, "Too much, too soon" policy?
Teraskas Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Usually, I try to provide as much information as I can. However, that said, the only thing which I DO leave out of my profile is the fact that I've had cancer 2 years ago. I'm still taking a huge amount of pills per day to keep its effects in check. There were a couple of girls to whom I told this while I was dating, but quickly found out that they tended to label me with words such as 'broken', 'unhealthy', etc. As a result, I prefer to leave that out until I actually meet up with the person and know she's keen to invest time into me.
Author irc333 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 She had also revealed to me that she would date an agnostic either, as long as he treats her right.
thinkingofhim Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I think being involved in your kids' church functions really isnt a big deal? It's pretty common and I don't really think it's pertinent dating information. If someone had an issue dating a Christian that information is already on her profile. I would assume that anyone who identifies as a Christian on a dating profile goes to church at least once in a while, and to find that they also participate in church activities wouldn't surprise me.. 1
Iguanna Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I'm not using OLD but if I were, I would withhold information for various reasons. Some mistakes I have done in my past I would never tell them even if I got married with the guy - not his business and I would not want him to judge me for mistakes I did in my youth. Some beliefs I have about life etc are things I'll talk about on a date. In general I think that writing stuff in your profile means nothing, cause you may as well be lying and just writing what others want to hear. Thing is to prove that what you write is true and valid, and that's the hardest part about OLD. Teraskas I want to tell you I'm really sorry for your health condition, I've been there and it sucks. Women who judge you for this are not worth even talking to them. Hang in there my friend and you will eventually find a sensitive person who doesn't judge you for getting cancer - for God's sakes......
MixedUpChick Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I have recently started leaving out a few things, namely religion, politics & education. I'm Christian but haven't even attended church for about 4 years, and I'm not particularly political but when I vote (if I vote) I tend to vote Republican although I don't really consider myself as being aligned with any particular party. I graduated from high school but never attended college due to lack of funds. I'm now 50 years old so it's not worth changing that at this point. My reasoning for leaving these things out of my profiles is due to several comments made by men in another dating thread on a male-dominated forum. Some of them who are either agnostic or atheist have said they won't date someone who even mentions religion (for some reason they all assume that means you're a bible-thumper). Many of them are very liberal & have said they won't date someone with conservative beliefs (apparently they interpret that as extreme conservative). Lastly, a few of them have made it clear they won't date someone without a college education (I guess they assume this means you're not intelligent, not sure of the reasoning for this one). I'm not trying to hide these things about myself, but I'd like to think that if a man happened to meet a new woman in a bar or other social environment instead of through online dating, he wouldn't immediately ask her about religion/politics/education & therefore stop seeing her. So similarly my thinking is that it makes sense not to initially provide this information & not even be considered, then bring it up naturally at the appropriate time. If at that time I'm rejected, so be it. I don't care what anyone else's values or beliefs are in this area, my feeling is that as long as both people can be accepting of the other person & neither tries to change the other's values/beliefs, a couple can peacefully co-exist with differences. I'm hoping a lot of men I might meet actually feel this way too, they just don't realize it 1
HeartDesires Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I would purposely withhold that the most important relationship in my life is with my cat.
El Brujo Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I stopped doing OLD almost 2 years ago, but I never disclosed in any of my profiles that I moved in with my mother to take care of her when she was dying of cancer.
Author irc333 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Yeah, but...some people HIGHLY prefer the realm of ONLINE dating because they would be able to weed out people with certain political/religious convictions. Personally, I think online dating spoils it for that kind of thing, but apparently they'd rather wind up "wasting their time" going on several dates with someone only to find out they are a conservative. They'd RATHER know this RIGHT off the bat (in the dating profile). Though, prior to the internet, people actually FELL for each other regardless of what they believed in. They were too "in love" to really even give a rats behind their political beliefs and what-not. I have recently started leaving out a few things, namely religion, politics & education. I'm Christian but haven't even attended church for about 4 years, and I'm not particularly political but when I vote (if I vote) I tend to vote Republican although I don't really consider myself as being aligned with any particular party. I graduated from high school but never attended college due to lack of funds. I'm now 50 years old so it's not worth changing that at this point. My reasoning for leaving these things out of my profiles is due to several comments made by men in another dating thread on a male-dominated forum. Some of them who are either agnostic or atheist have said they won't date someone who even mentions religion (for some reason they all assume that means you're a bible-thumper). Many of them are very liberal & have said they won't date someone with conservative beliefs (apparently they interpret that as extreme conservative). Lastly, a few of them have made it clear they won't date someone without a college education (I guess they assume this means you're not intelligent, not sure of the reasoning for this one). I'm not trying to hide these things about myself, but I'd like to think that if a man happened to meet a new woman in a bar or other social environment instead of through online dating, he wouldn't immediately ask her about religion/politics/education & therefore stop seeing her. So similarly my thinking is that it makes sense not to initially provide this information & not even be considered, then bring it up naturally at the appropriate time. If at that time I'm rejected, so be it. I don't care what anyone else's values or beliefs are in this area, my feeling is that as long as both people can be accepting of the other person & neither tries to change the other's values/beliefs, a couple can peacefully co-exist with differences. I'm hoping a lot of men I might meet actually feel this way too, they just don't realize it
MixedUpChick Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Yeah, but...some people HIGHLY prefer the realm of ONLINE dating because they would be able to weed out people with certain political/religious convictions. Though, prior to the internet, people actually FELL for each other regardless of what they believed in. They were too "in love" to really even give a rats behind their political beliefs and what-not. But that's exactly my point - unless one of us are pushy or obnoxious about our religious or political beliefs, what difference do these things really make? I think it's extremely shortsighted for anyone to use these particular things to filter out someone for dating & a potential love connection.
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I was one that preferred not to reveal everything in my profile either. I just didn't think it was necessary, and I liked to get a feel for someone first before I write them off for religious, political beliefs. I'm a pretty liberal, open-minded person and if someone had a bunch of staunch right-wing conservative stuff in their profile, it would more than likely put me off. On the other hand, getting to know someone first changes things. I have several close friends who are far on the other side of the spectrum, yet we respect each other's views and get along quite well. Same thing with religion. I am more spiritual than religious and not into organized religion at all, and if someone had a lot of talk about christianity on their profile, I would assume we are not a very good fit. I think it's sometimes better to introduce these things gradually as you see potential growing in a relationship and decide from there instead. 2
InnocentMan Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I tend to withhold the fact that I'm a terrible boyfriend who will probably waste a year or two of their lives. 2
Author irc333 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 But that's exactly my point - unless one of us are pushy or obnoxious about our religious or political beliefs, what difference do these things really make? I think it's extremely shortsighted for anyone to use these particular things to filter out someone for dating & a potential love connection. Yeah, I got a guy friend that says, "If she voted for Obama, it's a deal breaker" lol
Teraskas Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Teraskas I want to tell you I'm really sorry for your health condition, I've been there and it sucks. Women who judge you for this are not worth even talking to them. Hang in there my friend and you will eventually find a sensitive person who doesn't judge you for getting cancer - for God's sakes...... Much appreciated. To top it off, I discovered that I had cancer the same day that I got dumped by my then GF. Crushed doubly under the weight of life so to say. :/ There are many times that I've considered ending my life, for some days the pain is just unbearable. Having spent nearly more than a year and a half in vain trying to find someone who matches with me has been an excruciating and exhausting process to say the least. Hopefully I will meet someone who will accept me for who I am, yet I have given up hope at this point to be honest.
Imajerk17 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 It's entirely fair and appropriate of her to leave that stuff out of her profile, and save disclosing her involvement in her church for later (on-site emails, phone/text, in person). I am seeing that the goal of a profile is to provide just enough material (text and pictures) to get a conversation started and see if there is attraction. As long as you don't lie, you are good. 3
burningashes Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I can't hear, and use sign language to communicate. It can be pretty brutal when it comes to online dating, so I tend to keep that information out. I want people to get to know me first before I disclose that, usually before we meet up. Most of the time, people have been good about it but some people never wrote back after I told them. Lately, I've been becoming impatient, so I've been upfront about it because I want to get right to the point. If people are going to ditch me because of my hearing loss, so be it.. I get to waste less time looking around in a way. It is how it is for me, I suppose
Targetlock Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Its like with a first date you don't want to tell them everything, you got to have mystery to it i guess. I have a minor learning condition (dyspraxia) that i don't disclose on my profiles, as i don't even admit i have it that often in my normal social life and i don't want people to instantly judge me because of it. 1
SYLLPalmer Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Much appreciated. To top it off, I discovered that I had cancer the same day that I got dumped by my then GF. Crushed doubly under the weight of life so to say. :/ There are many times that I've considered ending my life, for some days the pain is just unbearable. Having spent nearly more than a year and a half in vain trying to find someone who matches with me has been an excruciating and exhausting process to say the least. Hopefully I will meet someone who will accept me for who I am, yet I have given up hope at this point to be honest. I feel your pain. I get the weed out for other contingencies but the isolation is the same. FYI this is what I put in my profile for the question "Can you date someone who does drugs?" and I think it is relevant because it speaks to the mentality of the masses that have not lived enough or endured random misfortune and the associated pain and growth that accompanies it. I post this to show you that some people are different. This has nothing to do with weather or not you use medical marijuana it shows that I can take an otherwise stigmatized and pigeon holed concept and extrapolate it to situations outside of the box. I do not partake in pot. But I really have no problem with someone who occasionally hits a joint. Occasionally defined as not more than once every 3 months. If marijuana is medically indicated and it helps your symptoms rip the bongs to find your peace. If you are prone to being lazy and forgetful as a side effect of this treatment that simply will not work for me. No chronic unprescribed prescription drug use/abuse or hard drugs in my world. This includes ecstasy and LSD. Now granted I did lay it out that I would like to be with someone who has their wits about them. The point is I would totally date someone with "health issues" if they were amazing. Don't loose heart. New people pop up all the time.
Thegreatestthing Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I leave out the fact that I greatly prefer Eastern European background in a guy. even though of all the guys that message me they are usually the ones I reply too the most,or end up having good connection with ,put the most effort with.so I should just put it in my profile ,save everyone alot of time. But I know some that state very clearly only attracted to white men. But I have spoken to many black guys before and had good convos so I don't see the point in that. I leave out what I studied etc,I like to surprise people by being somewhat intelligent.
MissBee Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I think being involved in your kids' church functions really isnt a big deal? It's pretty common and I don't really think it's pertinent dating information. If someone had an issue dating a Christian that information is already on her profile. I would assume that anyone who identifies as a Christian on a dating profile goes to church at least once in a while, and to find that they also participate in church activities wouldn't surprise me.. Agreed. I don't use OLD, but I have in the past and I filled out the basic stats about me and what I wrote about myself was enough to get a sense of who I am. I didn't really use it as a tell-all autobiography. The basic stats will give you a snapshot about my religious affiliation, education/career, if I have kids or not, smoke or not etc. Then the additional stuff I'll write just gives a sense of my personality, stuff I enjoy etc. I don't really do the "Day in the life of" thing where I'm gonna tell you what I do everyday type of thing. I don't feel like I need to list all activities that I participate in. If you like my profile and it intrigues you then once we start exchanging messages and move up to a phone conversation in the course of conversation I'll reveal any other important and relevant things and you will learn more about how I spend my time. This is like real life as well, I don't meet a man and automatically know all that stuff, unless we were acquaintances before or friends, but it's something I learn with time. That's what I see dating as. OLD IMO isn't that you put everything in your life on your profile. You put enough so that people have an idea about you. In talking further is when you all discover more about each other and learn specific details of when, how, how much etc and if you could be a potential match. But just like in real life you don't just meet someone and know every single thing they do and how involved they are in it, I don't expect that in your online dating profile it would be different. 1
Eau Claire Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I met my great guy OLD (Match). I mentioned things like a a healthy lifestyle, ,hiking,playing the piano, etc. Nothing about religion, politics. I was contacted by about 75 men. It was better for me to screen them and be more in control. If they mentioned anything in their profile about religion or politics....delete. ( the box marked 'Christian' was ok as it is more of a default position). Also, any photos of cars, fish, hunting, 'delete '. Anyways, I had read it is best for a woman not to get into too much detail. This attracts the predators who will manipulate. They become instant born-agains, liberal democrats, etc. Also, good not to say what you don't want, as these men will adjust their profile. Bottom line. As a woman I feel it important in keeping control of who you are corresponding with, where you meet, etc. I never wanted to end up with the stalker from Hell. 1
FitChick Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I try not to be too specific because I want to give some men enough rope to hang themselves.
Targetlock Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 lol, some information is better than none though, you need to same some info as a starting point for a conversation.
Author irc333 Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 Well , all I know is about 99% of women's profiles state that they DON'T want: Players Cheaters One Night Stands Hook ups I mean, what's up with that?? LOL (Just kidding of course) Actually, I'm getting SICK of seeing these specific "Don't Wants", it almost makes me want to not want to email them attempting to "prove" that I"m not one of THOSE guys. I met my great guy OLD (Match). I mentioned things like a a healthy lifestyle, ,hiking,playing the piano, etc. Nothing about religion, politics. I was contacted by about 75 men. It was better for me to screen them and be more in control. If they mentioned anything in their profile about religion or politics....delete. ( the box marked 'Christian' was ok as it is more of a default position). Also, any photos of cars, fish, hunting, 'delete '. Anyways, I had read it is best for a woman not to get into too much detail. This attracts the predators who will manipulate. They become instant born-agains, liberal democrats, etc. Also, good not to say what you don't want, as these men will adjust their profile. Bottom line. As a woman I feel it important in keeping control of who you are corresponding with, where you meet, etc. I never wanted to end up with the stalker from Hell.
MixedUpChick Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Well , all I know is about 99% of women's profiles state that they DON'T want: Players Cheaters One Night Stands Hook ups I mean, what's up with that?? LOL (Just kidding of course) Actually, I'm getting SICK of seeing these specific "Don't Wants", it almost makes me want to not want to email them attempting to "prove" that I"m not one of THOSE guys. I've heard that a lot of women put things like that in their profiles, I try to keep my profile positive so I just describe myself & have a very general description of what I'm looking for. On the flip side, I've seen a lot of men's profiles that do what you described. Personally I always laugh when I see things like "I don't like liars/cheats/players" because really... who wants to find someone to date who IS those things? Some people are just silly
Recommended Posts