Bringing up talks about money/financial personality?

[Michelle83]

So I've been with my boyfriend now for 7 months and things are going really well. He's treats me so good and we connect on so many levels; it's really almost my dream relationship.

 

But, as time is going on, I'm getting very worried our financial goals/spending preferences, etc are quite different and it's really starting to get to me but am not sure how to even begin to bring it up to him.

 

I posted a thread earlier about his spending and he is doing much better with the saving, still not great, but way better, so that's good.

 

Recently though it came out that he's giving his parents almost 1k a month basically 'just because'. I didn't dig too deep into it then as it wasn't the right time to do so, but now it's really on my mind. I'm not sure how to question him on this without him being offended though? They don't need the money by any means...so it just doesn't make sense to me.

 

I'm saving really hard for our future as we have talked about getting engaged and I could definitely see myself marrying him, but there's this one nagging issue that's always on the back of my mind.

 

He's also commented that if something ever happened to his parents he would take care of them and would never put them into a home... I asked if that meant they would live with us and he said no, but they wouldn't go to a home, so it seems he would pay for them to live elsewhere. I'm just not sure how I feel on that either... I'm curious what others think of this as well.

 

I've always been very big on spending conservatively, paying down debt, saving now to get ahead in the future, etc and it's eating away at me that I'm saving so hard for our future and he's giving his money to them like this. It's hard not to feel a bit of resentment.

[TaraMaiden]

The fact that he's secreting money to his parents - who, according to you, don't need it (are you sure on this? How?) and that he's making them a priority over being on the level with you, means you will always have second place in his priorities.

he doesn't consider this issue to be significant enough to discuss with you, and has made a carte blanche decision.

 

I wouldn't so much worry about the money, given these facts.... I'd be more concerned about your status in his eyes.

 

Where does he see you both, in 5 years' time?

 

How about you?

 

Do these objectives coincide?

I think you might be in for a surprise.

[Els]

What culture is he from? In some Asian cultures, it is the norm to give money to one's parents, as a form of reciprocation for money spent on them when they were young. $1k is also par by course as far as monthly payments go if one is working a good job. Very thrifty and conservative people in those cultures also give their parents monthly payments, they just thrift on personal expenditure.

 

It is entirely your prerogative to not be okay with that, just saying that it doesn't necessarily reflect his attitude towards your R. 7 months seem a little early to be asking him to alter his personal spending habits, especially as he hasn't asked any money from you or talked about merging finances. IMO this is one of those take it or leave it things - if it bothers you, you two probably aren't compatible, but if you see yourself being content with a possible compromise then you could wait til things become more serious and then talk about it.

[BikerAccnt]

If you are considering a future with him, now is the time to discuss it.

 

I have no problem with his helping his parents, provided, they need the help thru no fault of their own. I actually find it very admirable. Too many people ignore or don't get along with their families. I actually sold my house and moved in with my mother to be her caretaker for 4 years before she died. Granted I was single at the time and able to do it, but, him not wanted her in a nursing home is not a bad thing.

 

That said, if you are going to be a couple, finances need to be very high on the discussion list, and compromise on both parts will be necessary. This is one area where goals really do need to align. A big saver and a big spender, will not do well together. Even if the spending is on "good" things, like helping your family. And if you to do get married, he will need to reassess how much he spends on his mother, because you would be his primary family.

 

Good luck.

[nomadic_butterfly]

What's wrong with him taking care of his parents? If they were ungrateful or squandering it foolishly, I'd be a bit annoyed but I mean he is still treating you well so what's the issue?

 

I help my parents out sometimes financially. It's my honor to do that. I will also never put them in a home. I will treat my future husband's family the same way. Love his parents as my own, shower them with vacations and nice things if we can afford to.

 

As long as they are not intrusive as far as your relationship is concerned or overbearing I don't see what the issue is. How he treats them doesn't affect you.

 

How do you know if they need the money? I wouldn't tell a bf money issues my parents were having. A husband, maybe but it's personal family business I am not obligated to share unless I am dipping out of "our" pot but if it's just mine, it's my business not ours.

 

Why wouldn't you want a generous man that actually care about his parents? If he takes care of them, how much more will he take care of your future family? I don't see the problem.

 

And by the way 7 months is kind of early without even an official engagement to be "saving for our future." Don't put the cart before the horse.

 

 

So I've been with my boyfriend now for 7 months and things are going really well. He's treats me so good and we connect on so many levels; it's really almost my dream relationship.

 

But, as time is going on, I'm getting very worried our financial goals/spending preferences, etc are quite different and it's really starting to get to me but am not sure how to even begin to bring it up to him.

 

I posted a thread earlier about his spending and he is doing much better with the saving, still not great, but way better, so that's good.

 

Recently though it came out that he's giving his parents almost 1k a month basically 'just because'. I didn't dig too deep into it then as it wasn't the right time to do so, but now it's really on my mind. I'm not sure how to question him on this without him being offended though? They don't need the money by any means...so it just doesn't make sense to me.

 

I'm saving really hard for our future as we have talked about getting engaged and I could definitely see myself marrying him, but there's this one nagging issue that's always on the back of my mind.

 

He's also commented that if something ever happened to his parents he would take care of them and would never put them into a home... I asked if that meant they would live with us and he said no, but they wouldn't go to a home, so it seems he would pay for them to live elsewhere. I'm just not sure how I feel on that either... I'm curious what others think of this as well.

 

I've always been very big on spending conservatively, paying down debt, saving now to get ahead in the future, etc and it's eating away at me that I'm saving so hard for our future and he's giving his money to them like this. It's hard not to feel a bit of resentment.

[salparadise]

I've always been very big on spending conservatively, paying down debt, saving now to get ahead in the future, etc and it's eating away at me that I'm saving so hard for our future and he's giving his money to them like this. It's hard not to feel a bit of resentment.

 

Money is a big deal if marriage is where you're heading and your attitudes conflict. But his money management is his choice, his business, until such time as you're planning a future together, and even then he has a right to his ideas of what's appropriate. If the two of you are so fundamentally incompatible that it can't be reconciled, I'd advise taking that issue seriously regardless of how good a fit he seems to be otherwise. Money issues can turn into resentment and ruin a relationship. So I think it's probably time to have a conversation and figure out a) how big the differences are, and b) how negotiable the two of you are and whether or not it's possible to accept the necessary compromises.

 

If you're both high earners and he wants to assist his parents––and can afford it––then maybe it's not a deal breaker. But if he prioritizes taking care of his parents ahead of all else and it would result in compromises that you cannot accept, then you'll have to make your choices and live with them.

 

The transition period is hard, obviously. You're trying to assess this long-term potential but are not at a place where you have a say in what he does with his money. All you have a say in is whether you see him as a potential life partner. When you start planning for the future it will give you more standing to talk about both of your money preferences, but it won't necessarily resolve the differences.

[f1asr88]

The fact that he's secreting money to his parents - who, according to you, don't need it (are you sure on this? How?) and that he's making them a priority over being on the level with you, means you will always have second place in his priorities.

he doesn't consider this issue to be significant enough to discuss with you, and has made a carte blanche decision.

 

 

Wow.

How you can infer that she'll always be down his list of priorities?

I could understand if they were married, but after only seven months of dating? And after being official and exclusive for how long?

 

.....

 

I don't think his personal finances are your business yet, to be honest.

From my point of view anyway, that kind of prying would throw up a red flag or two.

 

Maybe owes them some debt that he feels he has to pay off ASAP, that he has promised to repay before you recently came onto the scene?

My parents gave me 6000 pounds towards my uni accommodation, and sure enough, when I can, I'll pay it back, girlfriend or not.

[TaraMaiden]

Wow.

How you can infer that she'll always be down his list of priorities?

He has already implied this by saying that if his parents need care, he would make sure they got it. Without discussing it, or going into some kind of agreement with her.

That means that he will always put them first, no matter what her opinion is now, or may be in the future....

 

 

I could understand if they were married, but after only seven months of dating? And after being official and exclusive for how long?

The length of a relationship is immaterial. it's the quality and depth of the Three Essential Qualities that matters:

Trust

Communication

Respect.

 

These are the three pivotal thrusts of any and every relationship, and it wouldn't matter if it had been 7 weeks or 7 years; if those three are not in place, the length of time is not a factor. How people treat each other, is.

 

Did you know my husband wanted to marry me the day after he met me?

10 years later, here we are....

 

.....

 

I don't think his personal finances are your business yet, to be honest.

From my point of view anyway, that kind of prying would throw up a red flag or two.

It's not prying.

Did you read her post intently....?

 

we connect on so many levels; it's really almost my dream relationship.

 

But, as time is going on, I'm getting very worried our financial goals/spending preferences, etc are quite different and it's really starting to get to me but am not sure how to even begin to bring it up to him.

 

I posted a thread earlier about his spending and he is doing much better with the saving, still not great, but way better, so that's good.

 

Maybe owes them some debt that he feels he has to pay off ASAP, that he has promised to repay before you recently came onto the scene?

 

No, he already told her that it's 'just "because" '.... he could be lying of course... which in itself, opens up a whole new can of worms....

 

My parents gave me 6000 pounds towards my uni accommodation, and sure enough, when I can, I'll pay it back, girlfriend or not.

Admirable. Would this be something you'd do without her knowledge or inclusion?

 

Given that you have this debt, any GF would have to take you as you come, the done deal, the whole package. But this payment of the OP's BF to his parents seems to be a recent thing. And he has had monetary issues before.

So do you not consider his actions to be somewhat self-centred and inconsiderate?

[darkmoon]

he is a momma's boy, 7 months in, you are seeing a problem, posting here on Loveshack like this, you are head over heels with him, but here is a side of him that worries you, 7 months is not that long, people are married 7 years and split up

 

 

he must make this okay, it is the mamma's boy thing that is your problem not the money, sorry but I think your gut might well be telling you that TaraMaiden and I are on the right lines

[d0nnivain]

I think since you are talking about getting engaged you can have general conversations about attitudes toward money & spending / saving habits but until you are at a point where you co-mingling funds you don't get specifics.

 

 

When DH & I married we did a pre-nup because there were assets to protect. It required full financial disclosures .. .. it all got laid on the table with the lawyers & the accountant. It took about a month to go through all the details & 5+ year later we still have money / investment conversations because our styles aren't the same. We are never going to agree on the benefits of life insurance.

 

 

What you can't expect until you have more facts is that the payments to the parents will stop.

 

 

Going into our marriage DH knew my parents & their failing health was a priority for me. I tried to give him as much time & attention as I could but when they were in crisis, they came 1st. Not putting them in a home for me meant hiring somebody to stay with them & care for them which is about $250+ per DAY. A nursing home costs $400 per DAY. Not all of this is covered by regular insurance or medicare; most of it is not, especially the more quality options. Elder care planning is very important & if his plans to care for his parents are of concern to you, you will need to explore each other's attitudes about long term care insurance, life insurance & parental obligations. One of the things DH said to me is that he would support most decisions but not living with my parents. He was open to a two family house, however, but it never came to that.

 

 

Once you marry, they are your family too. Since my parents are gone, I am now working with his parents to understand their needs & desires for when the time comes.

[Eau Claire]

Prelim note: I'm an RN...everyone says they will never put their parents in a home. Admirable until reality arrive one day.

 

Re him giving money to parents.

 

My thought. I have no idea what 'thinking about getting engaged' means. How is that different from being engaged? An extra/step removed from the marriage? Anyways, 7 months is too soon for anything. At 7 months be more focused on getting to know each other.

 

Re a future with him. I already see an issue. Why is it you are unable to relay to him exactly what you stated in your posting? Do you think if you get engaged and married that communication suddenly improves? If you feel uncomfortable expressing your concerns then what type of relationship are you developing? You want to be sensitive because...because what? You don't want him to misinterpret your concern? Why would he do that if you are close and talk every day?

 

Bottom line...I always see a giant red flag when a woman is hesitant to bring up an issue ...and at the same time expresses that she and a man are looking at a future life together.

 

Here's what I suggest. Stop talking about the future. Get to know each other better. The question you have about him giving money to his parents is only an an issue because you are getting ahead if yourself in this relationship. The marriage fantasy, etc. If you are not comfortable asking everything, then you are not in any place to be thinking marriage.

[ThatMan]

He's also commented that if something ever happened to his parents he would take care of them and would never put them into a home... I asked if that meant they would live with us and he said no, but they wouldn't go to a home, so it seems he would pay for them to live elsewhere. I'm just not sure how I feel on that either... I'm curious what others think of this as well.

 

I've always been very big on spending conservatively, paying down debt, saving now to get ahead in the future, etc and it's eating away at me that I'm saving so hard for our future and he's giving his money to them like this. It's hard not to feel a bit of resentment.

 

It would be a good idea for his parents to have long term care insurance instead...

People have different values. Sometimes people like to spend rather than save. What the man does with his own money is entirely up to him. Please don't do anything rash, such as insert yourself in between him and his relationship with his parents. I've found that when people deal with finances in different ways that keep separate assets takes so much stress out of the situation.

 

Perhaps it's time to consider why the way that he spends his own money is important to you.

[nomadic_butterfly]

he is a momma's boy, 7 months in, you are seeing a problem, posting here on Loveshack like this, you are head over heels with him, but here is a side of him that worries you, 7 months is not that long, people are married 7 years and split up

 

 

he must make this okay, it is the mamma's boy thing that is your problem not the money, sorry but I think your gut might well be telling you that TaraMaiden and I are on the right lines

 

Please do tell your definition of a "momma's boy?"

 

She said parentS which means both mom and dad. If his mother was demanding money from him, interfering in his personal affairs (i.e. there relationships), scrutinizing his decisions, wanting him to have approval from her before making decisions, overbearing, etc. this constitutes a momma's boy. I dated one like this and never again. I don't see if he treats her well as she said and mom isn't butting in their business why this is problematic. It is none of her business if he helps her parents. Generosity of heart is a good trait to me. "Honor thy mother and father." They most likely treated him well while growing up so he is honored now that he is positioned to do the same.

 

I am going to spoil my parents when my business takes off. I would spoil my husband's parents too. No biggie to me as an extremely family oriented person as so long as I am not neglecting my responsibilities or being financially irresponsible.

[newmoon]

are you engaged? unless you are then - imo - his finances are not your business. it's awesome that you notice differences in how you spend, because it would be problematic later, but only if you're a married/engaged couple. if he is single he can spend however he wants, and the fact that he's not saving or 'getting ready' financially might also indicate he's not moving towards marriage. many men start to put their finances in order when they meet a potential wife/partner. and you can also go into marriage with prenups and financial protection and separate accounts, so even if you're really good financially, his debt doesn't have to become yours.

[salparadise]

Perhaps it's time to consider why the way that he spends his own money is important to you.

 

The spreadsheets man... how could she possibly envision lifestyle potential with only her half of the data?

[Lady2163]

It isn't that I think it is too soon to talk about it, but I wonder if you are at the right point in your relationship to get the details you want. You aren't married, engaged or living together.

 

But, assuming he's not from a culture where this is expected and his parents don't need it, I do have some alarm bells clanging.

 

You could ask him, how do you think our spending or finances will change once we are engaged, living together, married?

 

If he still plans on giving that money to his parents, would that contine if you had kids?

 

$12,000 a year is a lot of money for "just because". Thats a $100,00 mortgage payment. I don't think I'd be happy if my partner was that generous with his money...assuming it was more than 1/10th of his income.

 

Oh - and the whoe take care of parents thing - he might be thinking home health care nurses come to their house/apartment. That attitude *should* shift if he has children.

[Michelle83]

Thanks for all the replies. Yeah, I need to be open and just communicate with him, but I'm just not sure if he is going to keep giving like this I will be okay with it.

 

I did a bit more research, he is Asian and it seems it is fairly common in their culture to be giving their parents money, so things are starting to line up. He also purchased a vehicle for his parents in the last couple of years as well and paid off some of their mortgage. He was working in a higher paying career back then compared to what he is now, but it's in line with what I read is common in that culture.

 

Thing is he is taking me to look at engagement rings so things feel like they are getting serious so this needs to be addressed. But I"m starting to feel like yes, it is too soon. There's too much I don't know yet... I guess we were caught up... I love him and have never met anyone like him in my life but the more unromantic parts of marriage are now starting to cross my mind...such as finances.

 

I guess I won't know what the full story is until I do talk to him more. I'm not quite sure what I'll do though if he wants to keep giving for the long term and eventually take care of them and their living costs into old age.

[TaraMaiden]

Tackle it from a cultural pov... if you live where he originates from, then you're going to have to do some adjusting.

 

If you live in a different country to his place of origin, then he's going to have to understand that his expenses may have to be channelled differently in future.

 

it's all got something to do with the cost of living, perhaps... $1000 buys more where his parents are (I'm guessing they're still in his home country?) than it does in the USA.

 

You can take the Boy out of Asia, but you can't take the Asia out of the boy.

 

But if he's serious about this relationship, then some serious talking and compromising needs to be agreed upon, before you go much further.....

[Lady2163]

You also need to be prepared for the possibility, if he is foreign born, that for the rest of your life, you may very well be bringing a family member over one (or more) at a time and having them live with you until they get themselves situated.

 

I have an buddy who married a Filipina. In 30 years, he has brought over more than 20 relatives. Mom, dad, grandma, grandpa (all four), brothers, sisters, spouses. He just brought over his very first cousin, who will be living with them for the next four years while he goes to college. At the point he has accepted it as normal that he can never get ahead and that he has to "hide" money.

[Michelle83]

Hopefully those won't be an issue though - he's actually born here and his parents live just down a few streets from him. They came here before he was born and have lived here ever since.

 

He did tell me at one time one of his uncles came to his mom asking her for money and she said no...so maybe they aren't quite as traditional as other families. From what he's told me it doesn't seem like he even keeps in contact with any of his extended family so it's just him and his parents.

[kaylan]

Lets see..

 

Parents who have had my back for 27 years vs a woman I have not even dated a year. Why wouldn't my parents get help from me when they've given me so much?

[Els]

I did a bit more research, he is Asian and it seems it is fairly common in their culture to be giving their parents money, so things are starting to line up. He also purchased a vehicle for his parents in the last couple of years as well and paid off some of their mortgage. He was working in a higher paying career back then compared to what he is now, but it's in line with what I read is common in that culture.

 

Yes.

 

Thing is he is taking me to look at engagement rings so things feel like they are getting serious so this needs to be addressed. But I"m starting to feel like yes, it is too soon. There's too much I don't know yet... I guess we were caught up... I love him and have never met anyone like him in my life but the more unromantic parts of marriage are now starting to cross my mind...such as finances.

 

He took you to look at rings... but you haven't discussed engagement or potential concerns? Time to start talking, IMO.

 

I guess I won't know what the full story is until I do talk to him more. I'm not quite sure what I'll do though if he wants to keep giving for the long term and eventually take care of them and their living costs into old age.

 

This will be likely.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Hopefully those won't be an issue though - he's actually born here and his parents live just down a few streets from him. They came here before he was born and have lived here ever since.

 

He did tell me at one time one of his uncles came to his mom asking her for money and she said no...so maybe they aren't quite as traditional as other families. From what he's told me it doesn't seem like he even keeps in contact with any of his extended family so it's just him and his parents.

 

I am still not understanding what the "issue" is though? Is it a good chunk of his pay check going towards them? Do you know exactly how much he makes? Do you know exactly how much he saves? How do you know he is not saving towards "your future?"

 

I love Asians and one of my besties is Asian. They are usually very prudent with money and family is important! I just can't understand of the problem is you feel he is splashing cash on his family and not saving for "your future."

 

Everybody is entitled to their perspectives I guess but I wouldn't marry a guy that had an issue with being benevolent to my wonderful parents that worked multiple jobs and immigrated to America for us to live the American dream. My parents are my best friends and no man is coming in between that. They mind their own business and are the best inlaws someone could ask for. I also love being close to my significant other's parents and doing nice things for them. But everyone is different.

 

Logically I don't see why he'd start talking about engagement if he wasn't saving up for a ring, etc. so unless he explicitly told you he isn't saving for your future or you've seen tangible evidence, you are being very presumptuous. Get to know him more before marriage talk anyway; 7 months is VERY short and still the honeymoon phase.