dubliner Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Ok, I need to talk this out as I'm feeling pretty crapy tonight about the whole thing and I want to contact him but I'm holding off as I know it won't give me peace and I'll wake up tomorrow with regret. To shorten a long story, I'm a SOW, he's not M but in a LTR with children and I've known him virtually all my adult life. The past 6 years has been an emotional rollercoaster, I've always loved him but timing has been rubbish, one of us has always been unavailable and when we did have a short R in our early 20's life was tough, I was fresh out of a LTR he had serious family issues and we didn't make it. He moved abroad suddenly and distance before Internet and mobile phones was like a death, we mourned the demise of our relationship and moved on all be it with heavy hearts. We reconnected when he moved back home and eventually our paths crossed to the point where I now see him almost every day due to business connections, it's impossible not to have some dealing with him. We thought we could be friends, despite the feelings, but it's been hard and the talks about how we feel got more frequent, an EA developed and then the physical contact and future faking from him just fed the fire and I let it burn because I had hope, hope that we'd be together, it was what I truly wanted. He spoke about how he was incredibly unhappy in his R, only there for the children, wanted me to wait for him while he took steps to sort his life out. We spoke in depth about our feelings for each other, about regret about wasted time... And all the time I accepted his excuses as to why he couldn't make the move, he didn't want to lose his children, he had to get through an operation, the children's birthdays, the family holiday, his business problems, Christmas, new year... Excuse after excuse. After yet another lonely Christmas and new year with no contact and extensive reading of LS, I made a choice, I decided that I'm not going to accept such disrespect from myself one day longer. I started the new year by shutting him out, speaking business only when we meet and not replying to his numerous emails about how miserable his Christmas was and how badly he is being treated by his 'wife'. We used to text, email constantly, about everything and though I miss him, he is my best friend, a funny, intelligent and amazing person, it has shown me how much it affected me to be just an option, the bandaid. The strange thing is, although he has noticed the shift in direction, He continues as if nothing has changed, he hasn't once asked why I don't respond to his mails or texts, when we speak he looks at me quizzically yet hasn't not once tried to deviate. I feel I want to explain why, just to lay it out...I suspect he will never ask and I want him to know, to own his part in this, to understand why I am doing this, yet it is easier to walk away when there is no fight, even though this in itself emphasises the hurt his inaction over the past few years has caused me. I can't put into words how this is making me feel, I read here about OW feeling angry and hurt.. But I just feel heavy with sadness and I hope that eventually I will move past that and feel indifference.
Quiet Storm Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 The strange thing is, although he has noticed the shift in direction, He continues as if nothing has changed, he hasn't once asked why I don't respond to his mails or texts, when we speak he looks at me quizzically yet hasn't not once tried to deviate. I feel I want to explain why, just to lay it out...I suspect he will never ask and I want him to know, to own his part in this, to understand why I am doing this, yet it is easier to walk away when there is no fight, even though this in itself emphasises the hurt his inaction over the past few years has caused me. I think he knows why. I think many MM do know they are not capable of giving OW what she deserves. It seems like OW often has to be the one to end it (unless there's a dday). I think many MM will just take what OW is willing to give, for as long as she is willing to give it. After some time in the A, expectations get built up, which lead to disappointments and broken promises. It often eventually comes down to OW accepting he's not leaving & tolerating it, or ending it so that her heart can heal for a better guy. It is understandable about the sadness, because you are letting go of a dream. You can allow yourself to grieve. It's ok to be sad for awhile. You will heal, and you will move past this. You will be OK. 3
spiderowl Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Surely he must realise how hard it was for you to be the OW? If he was honest with himself, he would have known that you might not put up with it for much longer. He was probably expecting this. Maybe he'll wait to see if you weaken. If you don't, will he start to try to provoke more, I wonder? I'm sure others will have a better idea of what he might do than me. Perhaps he's accepting that it's over because he thought all along that he couldn't leave his wife. Regardless, I'm sorry you've invested in someone who wasn't free but led you to believe he would be soon. How can anyone claim to care about their lover if they lie to them? 1
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