Am I rushing things, or am I wasting my time?

[lionessa_xo]

It all started on December 18, 2013, when this 47 year old guy from New Jersey who is childhood acquaintances with another guy from NJ that I long distance dated, commented on one of my facebook photos, how beautiful I look, then he sent me a personal email message that said, "You are beautiful how can I make you smile ???? I need to know."

 

I messaged back that I'm not that hard to please, but it also depends on his motive. He said his motive is to make me happy and make me smile and can he do that for me. He mentioned he will be in Carson, CA 12/31 - 1/6/14 coaching a football game at the rosebowl and asked me what part do of California do I live in ? I let him know that I live about a few hours north and if he was asking me out or something and isn't he married or attached. He said yes he is asking to take me out, and he is single for 4 years with no kids and if I am interested?

 

I told him,"Well, I'm certainly curious and you have my attention. I am single and looking for a husband. I do want more kids. I only have one. Her name is ***** she's 11. If you're a good selfless man, a great provider, and wants to build a family and get married then yes I'm interested. But those are just the basics of course."

 

He responded, "That sounds great I have no kids but want some and if I find a really nice woman I would marry her. I am a Career firefighter for 18 years so I can provide . I have a four bedroom house that I am there alone waiting for someone like you ... Can I ask your age ?"

 

After chatting a bit more, I let him know about the ex guy I LD dated, and he said yes he knew him and we exchanged contact information and began to communicate with each other everyday over the phone, video chatting and text messaging. It seemed like everything was moving pretty fast how he was really eager to want to talk to me and see me on video chat almost every day. Now looking back on it I remember during one of our first texts to each other he asked me my measurements, so I asked him his penis size and how much did he make this year. He had no problem answering me at all. I told him I was kidding, I only asked because he asked my measurements. Then he asked me if I'm landscaped. That's when I told him if he's only interested in sex that I'm not the one for him. He said he was sorry.

 

The very next day he sends me this text, " Hey, I'm sorry about yesterday it wasn't supposed to go that far...You are everything I want in a wife you're gorgeous, smart and I love the hair and you, I WOULD treat you like my QUEEN but out of all the men you could have talked to it had to be a friend of mine, (small world) so I have to back off (MAN CODE)."

 

My response, "I call bull on that. Now he's your friend yet when you were asking my measurements and if I'm landscaped there was no man code stopping you from 'going too far'. It didn't stop you from giving me your number on FB after I told you about ******* on there too. Another thing, now he's your friend whom you told me you don't even see him only at funerals and parties. But anyway there's no man in your code either, a man would have spoken to me over the phone. This texting stuff is for kids. Whatever dude, year you have to put in work for the P that's what it really is, you're weak, if you were serious, you would let that man stop you from finding love? I'm not married to him, never even met him in person, PEACE."

 

Him,"No I don't let anyone stop me from finding love...This is not the first time ******* and I crossed paths like this... Even though you didn't meet but if I show up one day with a dime piece like you on my arm it would be kinda weird...I mean the one woman that I think could be perfect from he has something to do with her even though I found her in California...I can call you and we an talk about this if you like because I can't get you off my mind....:-)"

 

He told me he was willing to go out on a date with me to see if there is something there so we can see each other face to face. That's when we actually began to do the video chats. I would also send him dozens of photos daily and he loved them and asked for more because he "can't get enough of me". He said he's very into me, he likes me a lot and it's not love yet until we meet. It's too early for the L word. During our conversations I would ask him plenty of questions about his past, his divorce, his family, he told me about his dad getting murdered and his about his mother and much more. I thought we were getting really close in such a short amount of time. So stupid of me I guess, for Christmas I started to send him sexy photos, pictures of me in a bikini and stuff like that. So he sent me sexy pics too.

 

One day he asked me where I live and I told him and apparently he looked it up on google maps satellite and saw my house and told me I have a nice house. I told him thanks and he wanted to know if I would like to see his house, I said sure, so he began to send me photos of his entire house and backyard. He also sent me his address. We pretty much were exchanging details about each other and our lives. I thought things were moving pretty smooth, fast but smooth. Yes it got sexual and he eventually let me know that it would be amazing and a great new years gift for the both of us. I told him maybe, because I hadn't had sex in so long (3 years) but I wanna have sex with my fiance at the very least. He said, cool he's not ready to get engaged so he guesses it will have to wait. I told him I thought he was marriage minded and he said, "Honey its been a week???????" So I told him that I am going to keep my options open and not focus solely on him, but if I'm misunderstanding something please let me know.

 

He texted me this the next day, "Hello hotness...well you said that you wanted to keep your options open and all I was saying is that I am not going to decide to marry someone that's across the country in one week or if I come to see you all we are going to do is talk. I can talk on the phone in stead of traveling over 2000 miles for some conversation...Yes I still want to be/talk and get to know you so we can trust, like/ love each other. I'm not playing games but being pressured into marriage is not the way to go unless you want a quick divorce. There's a lot to consider like moving you across country being financially ready to take care of 2 more people on my salary. I just don't make snap decisions with lives in the balance like that I want to make sure everything is solid. I am a great provider I make great money but there is more to it than that."

 

"I am the type of guy that wants a relationship and take it slow and not jump right into marriage it's too fast for me especially when we never went on a date held hands looked into each others eyes or kissed. It has nothing to do with sex. If we lived close and we could see each other I would be all over you but this is a long distance thing and it's going to take some time probably longer than you want and that is where I stand..."

 

I told him that I at least want to know if he wants to marry me within 6 months to a year because I am not getting any younger, I'm 36 and I still want to have kids, he said okay cool. He finally flew over to California and we video chatted and he wanted me to drive down to see him and he would take me to Disney Land and compensate my fuel money. I didn't feel comfortable going to DL without my daughter, I'm a mom and I would feel guilty having fun there and coming back with mickey mouse ears while she stayed at home. So he said cool we can find something else to do like go shopping.

 

I decided to drive down to see him, yes it was at his hotel and when I met him I just felt this instant attraction for him. He's not the best looking guy, I mean he's older, big belly , overweight, walks funny, bald, huge gap in between his two front teeth but I liked him nonetheless. He even mentioned before that he doesn't attract women. Women don't ever look his way, but I couldn't help my strong attraction to him, I liked him for him. We ended up having sex 3 times before we fell asleep and woke up for breakfast. We spent the day shopping and going to a movie and getting a bite to eat. He was really a gentleman, he opened doors for me and pulled out chairs for me. He held my hand pretty much the entire time and hugged me alot. We had sex 3 more times later that night and I fell asleep to prepare for the long drive back home. He stayed a few more days before he had to fly back home to NJ. He did keep in touch and sent me some photos and messaged me before his flight back home. He also made sure to message me as soon as he got back home safely.

 

I asked him about the ,'test drive', he said it is and was really good he would like to see where this goes he likes my company, I'm a pretty and nice woman. He has nothing negative to say except the distance, we are apart. I suppose I took this the wrong way as if he was starting to make excuses, so I asked him if he feels like the distance is going to be a problem. He said he does think it will be a challenge. Well told him I thought he was already making excuses because I don't see distance as a problem if both of our hearts are really in it and want it to work. I want someone who won't make excuses and willing to go the distance for something/someone they want. If not we just wouldn't be compatible. 3 hours later I start to freak out, and sent him a text that this isn't working out for me. He does seem distant in his actions. All he has done since I left from seeing him is text me and his texts are super short. I don't think he is really interested anymore and he's just not saying, I think things have started to slow down even though we stepped it up to having sex.

 

He replied, " **** look it's not that I'm distant just being careful with my emotions. I think we are two people going two different speed. I am not the guy that jumps right into marriage but I am a guy that wants a relationship that could end up into marriage. I am feeling you its just I have a lot to think about on my end. It seems to me that marriage is #1 on your list and it's not #1 on mine. and that is what has been on my mind. "

 

I asked him to call me and he told me that it's not just him but he has a whole lot of other people in his life he has to answer to. He has a very huge family. He said his family, since he's the baby, his older sisters mainly are very over-protective of him. I told him I don't understand does he think they won't like me? He said it's not that it's just that he will have to explain to them where we met and if we get into a relationship so quickly they will have something to say about it. He is a family man and he's big on family so their opinion matters to him. He said it's not just family I would have a lot of explaining to do to but other people. Then he said he is just going to to tell me, where he lives he is a great catch, he's been divorced and single for 4 years now. He has no kids, he has a good career, he makes good money, he has a huge house, no baggage and there are women who come over quite often to make sure that he is okay. They take care of him and help him out since he's a single guy. He said that no they don't have sex with each other.

 

He said that it's too soon to be in a relationship or be exclusive it's only been a few weeks. What if someone asks him why isn't he dating or go out on a date, he will have to say, "well i'm dating this girl from California." He said what if it doesn't work out, and what if you meet someone at the gym that you are attracted to. I told him it wouldn't matter to me because I am a one man woman and if I'm with someone it doesn't matter to me if I'm attracted to someone else I'm happy with the one I have already. He said that he doesn't want to stop me from finding someone because I'm in a LD relationship with him. He said he's not out there looking anyway, but they do say when you're not looking that's when you're likely to find someone. I asked that if that's the case that means that I can still be communicating with him but still go out on dates with other men? He said, well now, no....but I still want you to be my baby, my queen. And I said well you don't want anything exclusive, he said yes it's too soon, but I'd still like to continue talking and getting to know you like we've been doing and see where it takes us. I told him I was confused. The last thing he said to me was, "I'd like to keep my options open". The last thing I texted him after this conversation was, "I don't want to lose you to someone else."

 

I know I am probably rushing things, but there was absolutely nothing I didn't like about him. We got a long great in person, he was sweet, he has a great smile. I know enough about his personal life, he has all his family and friends on his facebook and I've snooped all up and down it. I don't know if it's worth it to continue this long distance whatever it is with him or not. I kind of feel like maybe he got what he wanted and now he just isn't interested in me anymore. Thank you to those who have actually read all of this, please give me your perspective and what should I do next? I do want this to work but is it worth it to pursue this?

[clia]

Wow. My jaw is on the ground right now.

 

He is absolutely right. You two live on opposite ends of the country and have known each other for three weeks. It's far too soon to be exclusive, engaged, or commit to marriage. You can't possibly expect him to commit to marrying you at this point, can you? You don't even know each other. He is a complete stranger. I know you think that because you've creeped his Facebook page and spent some time video chatting with him that you know him, but you really don't know him at all.

 

There is absolutely no way to know at this point if you are wasting your time, but given the distance between you, my suspicion is that you probably are. Are you prepared to move to New Jersey? Is he prepared to move to California? How do you really foresee this playing out?

 

I think you need to take about 150 steps back. Continue talking to him and see where it goes. In the meantime, date others. He should do the same.

[lionessa_xo]

I forgot to mention that he snores really loud and has sleep apnea, I didn't mind it at all. Yes we discussed me moving to New Jersey, I'm not tied down to California at all, I am at a point in my life right now where I am able to pick up and move across country given I have somewhere to go to. I did tell him that I am not asking to be engaged or married tomorrow but at least have exclusivity if we are trying to get to know each other.

[lionessa_xo]

I am able to relocate to him if it gets to that point. He said that after this last trip it was way too long for him and he doesn't see himself doing it all over again. I told him I don't mind making that long trip to see him quite often. He said that he has to think about that, because of the lady friends that come over to check on him and make sure he is okay and his family. Is this reasonable or is he just making excuses? I thought he was a grown man. In a sort of way I kind of feel like he kept this from me before I came to see him. I think he should have told me about all of this before.

Edited January 11, 2014 by lionessa_xo

[Mascara]

Wow. In the dictionary under "high maintenance" there's a copy of this thread.

 

You don't seem to think that anything you've said to him is weird. It is. It's weird to be talking about marriage, even if that is the main thing on your mind. It's also weird to say all this to him, and then completely contradict your words by having sex with him 6 times on the first date.

 

You need to calm right down, or he'll be gone for good.

[readynow]

I certainly won't say you're wrong for sleeping with him the first time you met him - if you look at my most recent thread, I've just done that after being in a LD relationship for 3 months - but it's certainly too soon and too much to tell a guy you want that much in such a short time.

 

There's so much to consider in marriage and a few weeks of chatting doesn't even start to chip at it. I think this will put him off for definite.

 

I think you should stop all talk of marriage, your daughter, relocating, etc and allow him to draw close to you again and this time, let his own wants, desires and fears be acknowledged. Both of you, keep your options open and see where it goes. Give yourself (not him) an ultimatum. If you don't get what you want from him within a specific time, feel free to leave.

[lionessa_xo]

Wow. In the dictionary under "high maintenance" there's a copy of this thread.

 

You don't seem to think that anything you've said to him is weird. It is. It's weird to be talking about marriage, even if that is the main thing on your mind. It's also weird to say all this to him, and then completely contradict your words by having sex with him 6 times on the first date.

 

You need to calm right down, or he'll be gone for good.

 

While I do agree with you and everyone that replied on here that I am rushing and need to slow down, calm down a lot, I don't see how my thread is considered "high maintenance", because I didn't ask him to do any of these things for me he offered. All I asked of him, to which some may see as high maintenance is to be able to provide for a family that I want. I want more children. It takes two people to provide for children and a household in a marriage. I am really simple, I may look or seem high maintenance in looks but I'm really not. I take care of myself physically, I'm very athletic and fit, complete opposite of him, and I suppose some people like him probably mistake that for high maintenance.

[lionessa_xo]

I certainly won't say you're wrong for sleeping with him the first time you met him - if you look at my most recent thread, I've just done that after being in a LD relationship for 3 months - but it's certainly too soon and too much to tell a guy you want that much in such a short time.

 

There's so much to consider in marriage and a few weeks of chatting doesn't even start to chip at it. I think this will put him off for definite.

 

I think you should stop all talk of marriage, your daughter, relocating, etc and allow him to draw close to you again and this time, let his own wants, desires and fears be acknowledged. Both of you, keep your options open and see where it goes. Give yourself (not him) an ultimatum. If you don't get what you want from him within a specific time, feel free to leave.

 

I know I said I wouldn't sleep with him but when I met him there was sexual chemistry and attraction there, I also hadn't slept with anyone in 3 years, so I did want to sleep with him.

 

Here's the tricky part, with me I am not a multi-dater. I like to focus on one person at a time. If I keep my options open, I have plenty of potential suitors, I will feel like I am being dishonest to him and the other guys if I continue to talk to him on the side. I will feel like I don't know how far I should take it with him since I will be allowing these other suitors to woo me. I don't know how I can juggle this long distance guy and my other options. Also he has said that he isn't seeing anyone or looking for anyone else, but he does want to keep his options open because when one isn't looking that's when you find what you're not looking for? I don't know what to make of this.

[readynow]

I know I said I wouldn't sleep with him but when I met him there was sexual chemistry and attraction there, I also hadn't slept with anyone in 3 years, so I did want to sleep with him...

 

Also he has said that he isn't seeing anyone or looking for anyone else, but he does want to keep his options open because when one isn't looking that's when you find what you're not looking for? I don't know what to make of this.

 

I totally understand the sexual chemistry and attraction thing - and as long as you wanted to sleep with him, that's totally your choice and nothing wrong with that. That's not the issue though is it? Brings me to the last paragraph quoted - if he isn't seeing anyone else and wants to keep his options open, it means you are NOT what he is looking for and he is willing to be single until he finds it.

 

Like I said, stop all talk of all commitment thing and marriage etc - it's obvious he isn't there yet.

[lionessa_xo]

I totally understand the sexual chemistry and attraction thing - and as long as you wanted to sleep with him, that's totally your choice and nothing wrong with that. That's not the issue though is it? Brings me to the last paragraph quoted - if he isn't seeing anyone else and wants to keep his options open, it means you are NOT what he is looking for and he is willing to be single until he finds it.

 

Like I said, stop all talk of all commitment thing and marriage etc - it's obvious he isn't there yet.

 

I talked to him last night and told him told him that I'm going to stop talk about marriage and trying to rush him into anything and that we both should keep our options open in the meantime. Also that I would like to continue getting to know him and seeing where this goes between us. He said yes that's fine, no need to rush, take our time, we will get there. If I lived closer he would definitely be all over me, but since this is long distance he has to be careful and take things slow. By the way thanks Readynow, I will give myself a time limit on how long I'm willing to wait. I'm not really sure how long is long enough though given that it's long distance, maybe a year?

Edited January 12, 2014 by lionessa_xo

[lionessa_xo]

I totally understand the sexual chemistry and attraction thing - and as long as you wanted to sleep with him, that's totally your choice and nothing wrong with that. That's not the issue though is it? Brings me to the last paragraph quoted - if he isn't seeing anyone else and wants to keep his options open, it means you are NOT what he is looking for and he is willing to be single until he finds it.

 

Like I said, stop all talk of all commitment thing and marriage etc - it's obvious he isn't there yet.

 

I was wondering what he really meant by that. So could he just be using the long distance as an excuse? Because he said if I lived closer he would be all over me but since it's long distance things will have to go at a much slower pace. But yes it makes me wonder about keeping his options open, I must not be what he is looking for. He did say, take things slow, we will get there though.

[readynow]

He did say, take things slow, we will get there though.

You're hanging literarily on every word of his. Disregard those lone sentences and look at the big picture. He is keeping his options open - that's been established. Do the same and carry on as usual. If he was really into you, he would be more optimistic - even if you lived on another continent.

 

About your time limit, you should be looking at actual time and not taking distance into consideration. I've heard of people who chatted for a week and decided to get married after a few months (unwise, I know - but it happens). Decide on how long you are willing to be in a relationship that may go nowhere. It may be 3 months, 6month, 1year. Some people are willing to be in such relationships for ever - as long as they know it will go no where and are fine with it. For me, if I see there's a large possibility it may go no where, I'll give it maybe 1 month to let it die slowly. I struggle with sudden endings. It really depends what you want for your future. As you say, you're looking to meet someone, have another child, give your kids a stable home... See how much time you're willing to waste away and give him that.