Seymore Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I have a wonderful girlfriend of 6 months (and have known for a few years before that) whom I love and see a future with, and I know she feels the same for me. However, I've been having an issue with a close female friend of mine whom I've known for over a decade now. Her and I have always been strictly just friends, and she actually is the reason I met my girlfriend! Anyway, my friend is now saying things like "If I wanna go to the mall and you're with her, I come first", and has even said this to my girlfriend's face, even though they get along. And since I feel serious about my gf, when my friend has wanted to get together, I suggest she comes to my gf's house and we all hang out together over a bottle of wine, or the three of us go for a drink together. Well, lately that hasn't been cutting it and my friend says "I wanna hang out, just me and you". Well, it makes my gf uncomfortable, and I know that I would be a little edgy about her hanging out with another guy. I'd eventually say okay but I wouldn't feel so great about it and I want to show my gf that same courtesy. So when I tell my friend I will hang out but my gf has to come with, my friend has been pretty snotty lately, claiming I'm putting my gf over her. How can I keep both of them from getting upset with each other/me? I feel like I should tell my friend to cool it, and that it should be enough hanging with me and my gf.
Trnamakesnse Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I would tell her "yes I put my girlfriend over my friends" it's a totally different relationship and maybe you won't be as blunt as I generally am. Point is she's just a friend even a good friend but not a girlfriend. She is still really close in a lot of ways but I wouldn't let any friend tell me she's more important than a girlfriend. It's just weird to have it come out like that, sounds like a lot of jealousy that can ruin relationships.
pteromom Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 You have to stick to your values. If you would be upset if your gf hung out alone with a male friend, then you have to show her the same courtesy, and you should be able to say so to your friend. However - I do see your friend's point too. It sucks when close friendships change due to relationships. You have to stand up for what you think is the right choice.
nescafe1982 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) Your friend is being inappropriate. She's getting territorial, and while this is an understandable impulse, it's not a healthy one for your friendship. You need to place a clear boundary down with your female friend. When she says things like "I come first" or other catty stuff, you need to be unambiguously on your GF's side. You may even have to pull this friend aside and let her know that while you value your friendship, you expect her to be a "friend of your relationship" too. If your GF is uncomfortable it's because she senses that this friend is not being appropriate. She's probably also going to feel hurt if you don't stand up for your relationship. You must be unambiguous, and unfortunately that will create some conflict. It's not really fair, but it has to be done. I would avoid hanging out with this female friend alone until she starts acting appropriately. That could lead to trouble if she does have the wrong agenda. edit to add: yes, i agree with pteromom that it's difficult when you're friends get into new relationships and your friendship dynamic has to change as a result. It's uncomfortable, and it is challenging to go through (for this female friend). However, her impulse to get territorial like this is not the appropriate way to deal with those feelings. She may just need to be reminded that her role as your friend is to support you. Edited January 10, 2014 by nescafe1982
Author Seymore Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Thank you all. Last night when she said "I wanna hang out, just me and you" I told her that anything she can say to me she can say in front of my girlfriend, and reminded her that my gf is also her friend so there should be no problem. So I did stand up for the relationship, I will just have to be more blunt if she keeps this up. It really irked me and when I mentioned it to my gf she was pretty upset, but happy that I stood up for her. 1
preraph Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I don't know. I had some married male friends or friends with girlfriends and we had interests in common they simply didn't have with their women of the day and I outlasted most of them, and just as a friend. I see nothing wrong with her wanting some alone time. He should be completely transparent about where they go and what they do and call and check in -- hell, skype if necessary, but nothing wrong with getting a cup of coffee with an old friend. If the situation was reversed, it would probably be seen as the guy trying to isolate the woman, an early sign of abuse, so...
nescafe1982 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 If the situation was reversed, it would probably be seen as the guy trying to isolate the woman, an early sign of abuse, so... That's not true. I'm a woman in a relationship. If I had a male friend who started the same kind of things that OP's friend did, and especially if he started making comments that were a little competitive/territorial with my boyfriend, I would immediate be suspicious of him. And I would probably limit my interactions with him. I definitely would NOT ramp up my time spent alone with him. Nor would my boyfriend become "abusive" if he were feeling uncomfortable. There is no double-standard here. Just a situation that calls for the insertion of proper boundaries.
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