leo_messi Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Warning it's f*cking long My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 14 months now. We both go to college together, so we're together for most of the year but we're finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the time apart. I'm looking for some advice from anyone who's had similar experiences as we have. Over this past summer, we were long distance for ~3 months and only had minor glitches. We missed each other lots, and we had a few stupid fights, but they were few and far between, and for the rest of the time, we were happy. We live ~4hrs away from each other, so we visited a few times, totaling about a week. I had a job I was working 8hrs a day, and I was up much earlier than she was - so we didn't get that much time to talk, but it didn't seem to matter. A few hours of good conversation each day was relatively easy and kept us happy. We came back to school in August, and three months later celebrated our one year anniversary. Thanksgiving break is where things started to get a little dicey. It was only five days apart, but we were already fighting. Stupid stuff. We talked a lot about it, and decided that it was harder because we were more in love and missed each other more. We decided that since we were long distance, we needed more reminders that we love each other, since we couldn't be with each other in person. We also chalked some of it up to being scared for winter break, and letting that become frustrating to us. When we came back to school we were happy again, no fights. Problem was, we were only gonna be together for another two weeks-ish before winter break. Enter winter break, we said our sad sobbing goodbyes (our winter break is f*cking long, its like 7 weeks) and she headed off to her birthright Israel trip. She was overseas for ten days, and it was tough, because we couldn't talk nearly as much, but besides missing each other, we were still happy. Since she came back, which was two weeks ago, things have gone south and it's scaring both of us. To explain, I'll have to rewind a few years back to my ex-girlfriend in high school. She cheated on me. Multiple times. It broke my heart and destroyed my trust, and since then, I've had a really hard time trusting people. Since she cheated on me when she was drunk, I have had an extremely difficult time trusting my current girlfriend to go out drinking without me, but since I know that's not fair to her, I've been working on it. When she came back, I drove up to visit her. Things weren't the same, and I kept asking what was wrong, but I got no answer. I have a heart condition that is highly reactive to stress, and I think she was just trying not to stress me out. After I left, I again asked her if something was wrong, and told her I felt like she wasn't showing me the same love she normally did. She confessed that she had been feeling like I was controlling her too much, making rules for how to live her life. She was upset that I didn't trust her to drink without me, and I had made a big deal about a little wine tasting she had gone to during her Israel trip. I realized that she was right, I had been making rules for how to live her life. She said that she didn't feel like she was being herself, and I agreed that it wasn't fair for me to make these kinds of rules. I told her she can go drink if she wants, I don't have a problem with it. After over a year together, that's only fair. If I can't trust my girlfriend to go out and have a few drinks with her friends, I shouldn't be with her. I thought things would look up from there, that we had solved our problem, but we just hadn't. Stupid fights kept happening. It seems like we can't go a day without a stupid fight. Sometimes something little, a miscommunication, a sarcastic text that was taken seriously, sparks a fight. Most of the time, we'll be talking, and the conversation will go stale, and it gets frustrating, and we just start fighting. We'll talk about it after, and try and think of ways to solve the problem. We've tried saying "I love you" more, we most recently tried "forcing" the conversation by not sending "one or two word texts". We got on skype today, and a fight was just in the air. The conversation was frustrating and stressful, and before long we were just laying there saying nothing, getting more frustrated, and then it was just another frustrating fight. This time we agreed not to talk for the weekend and think things out on our own, and talk about things again on Monday. I don't understand why it keeps happening, and unless she's holding back on me, she doesn't either. My guess, and it may be wishful thinking, is that with the distance, no physical contact, neither of us really doing anything with our days => we don't have much to talk about, it get's frustrating, we fight. We have two damn weeks left of winter break before we're back together again. I know things will be a thousand times easier once we're together, and if there are any problems we can work them out. The most frustrating part is that it seems like we just can't deal with the distance. We're a really touchy feely couple and it gets to us. We're looking for help is literally just getting through these last two weeks. She says she's tired of fighting, I am too. She says the relationship is starting to not be fun, and that's not something I can disagree with - we aren't doing anything with each other at the moment and we keep fighting, that's no fun. She says she still wants to work through things, and she's not going to give up. Any advice is appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I don't' understand either. If you have a strong relationship, you should be able to survive a few weeks apart while school is out. If the only thing holding your relationship together is geographic proximity that's not much of a bond. You are also projecting. Because your high school GF cheated on you, you assume that out of sight means out of mind & your current GF must be deceiving you too; then you get all moody & she reacts negatively to your attitude. You have to stop. Remember your college GF is not your high school GF.
justwhoiam Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 You should see whatever is happening in a bigger picture. Life is full of challenges and things not going the way you'd wish. A relationship that is hardly surviving after only a few weeks of being apart from each other is not a solid relationship. It might become solid, but it takes two. And she might give up in the meantime, or when you get back together. Anyway, if it remains as it is, you'll be walking on eggs every time you are apart from each other. What's more is if it's a constant fight for the smallest things, that's because past issues haven't been solved and/or she's not seeing you with the same loving eyes she used to. So everything can fall apart earlier than you expect, as a natural outcome. Now, regarding frictions during holiday time: if you both are taking the relationship seriously, you should travel together and spend some time here and some time there with your respective families, not to make anyone unhappy. Some of them might be unhappy anyway, so you'll need to be a bit selfish. If you are trying to make others happy all the time, you'll have to renounce your own life and happiness. But, what if she's not OK with that? She might think you're too suffocating and she'd need time on her own. If that's the case, she's not ready for a steady, serious relationship. At that point, you need to decide what you want. Sometimes, it's just a matter of time, years. The person will feel like being ready to settle down with someone. But other times, it's just the way she is, she won't change her mind later on, because she likes things as they are. Or she's quite young, she thinks she's in love with you, but she's not. She's just attached to you and loves you. But as soon as some other guy wins her heart, she will leave. That said, how can you avoid fighting? Look smart. Have interesting things to say. Read a book while being away. Watch a movie. Read the news. Try to remember what you dreamed of at night. Tell her about people you talked to, new people you met. Ask her about her day. Keep interest high, and sexual tension too. Don't be too demanding or suffocating. (By the way, if he had expressed his concern because I was drinking, I would have loved that, because he'd make me feel like he cares - a lot.)
Author leo_messi Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 What's more is if it's a constant fight for the smallest things, that's because past issues haven't been solved and/or she's not seeing you with the same loving eyes she used to. So everything can fall apart earlier than you expect, as a natural outcome. So you're saying distance can't cause stress --> more fights? Or she's quite young, she thinks she's in love with you, but she's not. She's just attached to you and loves you. But as soon as some other guy wins her heart, she will leave. People say this a lot, that young people don't know what love is, etc. Obviously I can't go through this relationship just always wondering if she actually loves me. I have to trust her word that she does. I don't really know what worrying about that would do for me.. That said, how can you avoid fighting? Look smart. Have interesting things to say. Read a book while being away. Watch a movie. Read the news. Try to remember what you dreamed of at night. Tell her about people you talked to, new people you met. Ask her about her day. Keep interest high, and sexual tension too. Don't be too demanding or suffocating. (By the way, if he had expressed his concern because I was drinking, I would have loved that, because he'd make me feel like he cares - a lot.) Yeah, I think that's what's going on here. I haven't been doing sh*t since I've been home, so there isn't anything to talk about. Also, she didn't have a problem with it originally. I think it was the fact that I kept bringing it up, "make sure you don't drink" etc that made her feel mistrusted.
justwhoiam Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 So you're saying distance can't cause stress --> more fights? It can. I can't say if she'd be with you if she lived near you though. People say this a lot, that young people don't know what love is, etc. Obviously I can't go through this relationship just always wondering if she actually loves me. I have to trust her word that she does. I don't really know what worrying about that would do for me.. I didn't mean to say she doesn't love you. I think she loves you. But she needs to be in love with you, love you passionately, to move to where you are and turn her life around. And she wanted out.
Author leo_messi Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 It can. I can't say if she'd be with you if she lived near you though. I didn't mean to say she doesn't love you. I think she loves you. But she needs to be in love with you, love you passionately, to move to where you are and turn her life around. And she wanted out. Wait, what? We are sophomores in college and neither of us have the resources to just pick up and move to live with one another. We still live with our parents when we are home from school. Maybe you misread my post ... We go to the same school so we are together for 9-ish months out of the year. It's the time apart that's become increasingly difficult, and that's the problem I'm trying to solve.
justwhoiam Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Wait, what? We are sophomores in college and neither of us have the resources to just pick up and move to live with one another. Oh, sorry! I read your post very carefully and answered it. With my second post, I guess I messed up Too many college people in here!
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