Jump to content

Why do Ex-girlfriends forget all the good stuff that you did for them

lastking

By lastking
in Breaks and Breaking Up

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

mutualove Established Member

mutualove

Posted
Posted
Hahahahaha. Shoulda, coulda, woulda...

 

Watch out for next time then:laugh:

mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

Posted
Posted
Watch out for next time then:laugh:

 

To quote Apocalypse Now: "Absolutely Goddamn Right!!!"

Fufu Established Member

Fufu

Posted
Posted
Why do Ex-girlfriends forget all the good stuff that you did for them in a relationship and only focus on the negative. Broke up with my Ex-Girlfriend, ever since we broke up, she has only mentioned the small irrelevant things instead of looking at the big picture that includes all the positive things that I did for her. We were together for 8.5 years. I supported her through college when she had dropped out of high school. Helped her find all the good paying jobs that she has worked at including her current job among other things. Is she going to remember this stuff at some point?

 

I assume you did these things for her willingly back then.

 

So what exactly you are getting at?

 

It's over. if you think you did your best, so be it and move on.

Eau Claire Established Member

Eau Claire

Posted
Posted
Learn from it,as I did.

 

Before doing anything "nice" you need to be asking yourself whether your doing it for yourself or them.

 

If your doing it to make and keep them happy and content and somehow expect them to stick around because of your doings or you're looking for some kind of validation then that's a problem.

 

If you're doing it for yourself which is the way to go,then you don't care what they do in the end.

 

After all,kindness isn't kindness if you expect a reward in return.

 

Very well stated. Kindness is its own reward. We feel better about ourselves. Fortunately feeling good about ourselves usually projects a positive image ..an upbeat personality, smile, etc. All attributes that create attraction.

sugarpea Established Member

sugarpea

Posted
Posted

It's a coping mechanism.

 

Also why would she want to think about all the good things she lost. Thinking about the good things isn't going to fix the relationship. Thinking about the bad things however lets herself know all the things she didn't like and I suppose technically it's also good for you in terms of new relationships of what might tick off your new partner.

 

As humans we tend to focus on the negative things, it's a fact of life.

chalanting Member

chalanting

Posted
Posted
Mine didn't have to do with money. I supported her mentally, supported her through school as requested by her since she was failing. I tutored her, I tried to raise her spirits all the time.

 

This rings some bells for me ;). I'm the BEST at supporting and raising sprits, etc etc. I'm also reading Codependent No More, and seeing that it applies more to me than I ever expected it to. I fix other people so I don't have to fix myself.

 

I spoke to her family on her behalf because she was having a hard time communicating with them.

 

To quote another book, "Who's problem is this?".

 

I did all I could and all it took was a single drink and a cigar from a bad friend to put her mindset back to the partying that caused her to fail two years in a row in university in the first place.

 

For me, all it took for her to go back to her old ways was our relationship of 10 years ending. I thought she got better with me. I thought all the work we did in therapy together would have made her stronger than this. BUT! It. Does. Not. Matter.

 

I "took care" of her FOR ME. This is really hard for me to accept and admit, but it's true. And her backsliding doesn't have anything to do with me and has everything to do with her. Am I sad about it? Yes. Do I want her to do better because I still care deeply about her and the example she sets for our daughter? Hell yes. Can I fix any of it. NO I CAN NOT.

(n.b. I actually do believe that she did grow and learn. I'm happy for her as well as sad. She's on her journey, I'm on mine)

 

One thing I'm realizing through this whole awful ordeal is that I'm going to do so much more for my daughter's well-being in the long run by showing her what it looks like to be secure with yourself. To set clear and enforced boundaries. To take care of YOURSELF. So much more than if I try to fix everything for her (or any future partners, etc). Does that mean I'm going to get it right next time? Probably not :) It's a process, but I'm working on it.

 

When she then picks up another guy right after our break up, it just makes you question why you bothered so much. I wasn't a jerk.

 

Is that what you're really asking yourself?

Lemme ask, what kind of person does it make *you* if she picks up another guy right after your breakup?

What kind of person would it make *you* if she doesn't?

 

For me? The thoughts and feelings I had looked like this, "I'm not attractive if she can go sleep with someone else so soon". "I failed at fixing her, how can I ever expect to fix myself?". Guilt. Anger.

 

Here's the advice I've given friends and been given and seen on here and am trying my damned hardest to heed (it's hard. really really hard):

 

It's not about you.

 

My ex gf actually said something idiotic like this: It doesn't matter how many good things you do, if you do one bad thing, don't you know you need to do 9 good things to make up for it?

 

Depends on the bad thing, doesn't it? :p

 

Good luck on your path

singme2sleep Established Member

singme2sleep

Posted
Posted

I've never been treated like a "princess" and I don't need to be. All I've ever wanted is to receive the same amount of unconditional love that I give. Materials things and gifts mean nothing. Just actually be willing to do anything for that person, the gesture alone is what matters.

  • Like 1
chalanting Member

chalanting

Posted
Posted
Just actually be willing to do anything for that person, the gesture alone is what matters.

 

But be more willing to do anything for yourself.

Sasukie Established Member

Sasukie

Posted
Posted

The bad thing was me being "pushy", wanting to solve problems when they arose because I didn't want to see her sad and angry before we sleep. She also said that was the reason why she broke up with me...I believed it till I found out about the guy. I am as loyal as a dog, I do not waiver nor do I lose interest in the girl I am with. I do not flirt with other girls, none of that.

 

Anyways I learnt a lot from this ordeal, taking care of myself and my family is most important (I don't actually have like kids..i mean family family).

 

I guess you're right, her going with another guy doesn't really change me but it does hurt me, burns me, teaches me a harsh lesson that changes my kind nature :( Too freaking soft...

 

Although I don't want to be shallow, I'm just confused what he could provide that I couldn't...I was her emotional support, her physical support (we had good romance), Though this is a stupid comment but I have to leave it here that my friends and her friends have said I am also better looking than the guy she's with now. Her close friends, colleagues, and best friends have also met me and they like me as well...and have advised her that her and I splitting is the worst decision she's made in her life. I know ultimately its her decision, but that doesn't change that those factors are things I have to keep in mind and deal with.

 

This rings some bells for me ;). I'm the BEST at supporting and raising sprits, etc etc. I'm also reading Codependent No More, and seeing that it applies more to me than I ever expected it to. I fix other people so I don't have to fix myself.

 

 

 

To quote another book, "Who's problem is this?".

 

 

 

For me, all it took for her to go back to her old ways was our relationship of 10 years ending. I thought she got better with me. I thought all the work we did in therapy together would have made her stronger than this. BUT! It. Does. Not. Matter.

 

I "took care" of her FOR ME. This is really hard for me to accept and admit, but it's true. And her backsliding doesn't have anything to do with me and has everything to do with her. Am I sad about it? Yes. Do I want her to do better because I still care deeply about her and the example she sets for our daughter? Hell yes. Can I fix any of it. NO I CAN NOT.

(n.b. I actually do believe that she did grow and learn. I'm happy for her as well as sad. She's on her journey, I'm on mine)

 

One thing I'm realizing through this whole awful ordeal is that I'm going to do so much more for my daughter's well-being in the long run by showing her what it looks like to be secure with yourself. To set clear and enforced boundaries. To take care of YOURSELF. So much more than if I try to fix everything for her (or any future partners, etc). Does that mean I'm going to get it right next time? Probably not :) It's a process, but I'm working on it.

 

 

 

Is that what you're really asking yourself?

Lemme ask, what kind of person does it make *you* if she picks up another guy right after your breakup?

What kind of person would it make *you* if she doesn't?

 

For me? The thoughts and feelings I had looked like this, "I'm not attractive if she can go sleep with someone else so soon". "I failed at fixing her, how can I ever expect to fix myself?". Guilt. Anger.

 

Here's the advice I've given friends and been given and seen on here and am trying my damned hardest to heed (it's hard. really really hard):

 

It's not about you.

 

 

 

Depends on the bad thing, doesn't it? :p

 

Good luck on your path

Sasukie Established Member

Sasukie

Posted
Posted
I've never been treated like a "princess" and I don't need to be. All I've ever wanted is to receive the same amount of unconditional love that I give. Materials things and gifts mean nothing. Just actually be willing to do anything for that person, the gesture alone is what matters.

 

I don't believe that love is made from material gifts. But unconditionally loving someone includes caring for them, and making sure they feel safe in your arms and that you help them grow. I do not expect anything in return, but in every relationship there is a certain respect that you require from your significant other. She disrespected me although I continued to treat her well because in my eyes she was goign through a tough time.

 

No one likes it if you raise a dog, nuture it, and it bites you. Just an analogy...i'm not calling anyone anything =____= please dont' misunderstand

 

She has explicitly told me my gestures are of a gentleman and that many girls would love a guy like me, but we have to walk different paths because I'm "successful" and she's...and she trailed off.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...