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Why do Ex-girlfriends forget all the good stuff that you did for them

lastking

By lastking
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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lastking Member

lastking

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Why do Ex-girlfriends forget all the good stuff that you did for them in a relationship and only focus on the negative. Broke up with my Ex-Girlfriend, ever since we broke up, she has only mentioned the small irrelevant things instead of looking at the big picture that includes all the positive things that I did for her. We were together for 8.5 years. I supported her through college when she had dropped out of high school. Helped her find all the good paying jobs that she has worked at including her current job among other things. Is she going to remember this stuff at some point?

Fangorn Member

Fangorn

Posted
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You cannot, I repeat, CANNOT take this personally. It is a coping mechanism. If she focusses on the negatives of the relationship she has an easier time rationalising that it being over is a good thing.

 

This is not a reflection of you, this is just how the mind works.

 

One day she may fondly remember you and all you gave her but I wouldn't count on it and either way, it doesn't matter. Move on.

  • Like 12
JDPT Established Member

JDPT

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Everything and anything we do for them is out of the goodness of our hearts. We don't expect anything in return, I never did. I felt comfortable knowing I was fulfilling my "duties" physically, financially and emotionally with her. Later I realized how stupefied I with love. I give 110% of me in a relationship. With this past experience I've learned that I too need to take care of me and that' the other party isn't everything and that my world shouldn't revolve around her. Don't dwell, or attempt to find answer as to how could she, or why would she forget everything I did for her? you will go in circles going nowhere fast. Focus on you from this point forward.

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mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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Yeah, I struggle with this as well. 3 years of me giving and her taking. And none of that means anything now. Like it never even happened. Discounted to zero value. It's BS. But what can you do??

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Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Fangorn is right. They have to focus on the negative to ease their guilt about the demise of the relationship and convince themselves that the break up was needed and the right thing to do.

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BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

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Women struggle with this too. I felt like I gave so much to my ex, and it made me very angry when we broke up. It was almost like I felt he owed me the relationship because of how much I put into it if that makes sense. It was like I thought that the time and love I put into it should be directly related to it working. I felt like the breakup invalidated my effort and love. I don't know what to say about it really. Maybe I should have looked out for myself more. I basically raised his son for nearly 3 years. I guess it's a lesson learned not to do that unless you are married maybe?

  • Like 5
Volthi10 Member

Volthi10

Posted
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Why do Ex-girlfriends forget all the good stuff that you did for them in a relationship and only focus on the negative. Broke up with my Ex-Girlfriend, ever since we broke up, she has only mentioned the small irrelevant things instead of looking at the big picture that includes all the positive things that I did for her. We were together for 8.5 years. I supported her through college when she had dropped out of high school. Helped her find all the good paying jobs that she has worked at including her current job among other things. Is she going to remember this stuff at some point?

 

She is bitter! I feel the same with my ex, I did so much for him and although our end wasn't necessarily in bad terms, it's hard to cope with knowing he doesn't want to be with me anymore and the rejection makes you feel angry, sad, confused and we do tend to focus on the negative. I do however try to understand how it all came down to where we're at and its a 50/50 in a relationship so I have plenty of flaws.

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chris21422 Established Member

chris21422

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They don't at this point. It's either they realize it depending on how their next partner will treat them or It takes a long time like years of time for them to realize it.

 

I had one of my ex contacted me before after 11 months of breaking up she said how thankful she is with everything that I did for her and how nice I am.

 

Basically they forget all the bad things at some point but it takes time.

 

At this point you don't have to do anything but to move on and focus on you.

  • Like 2
ponchsox Established Member

ponchsox

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I just got out of a relationship filled with both positive and negative. She was a taker and I allowed it to happen. I did learn I will never accept anything less than a mutual relationship ever again.

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Eau Claire Established Member

Eau Claire

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The subject of this posting is amusing. Are you focusing on all the good things your girlfriend did for you?

 

'I did this...I did that...'

  • Like 3
Sugarkane Established Member

Sugarkane

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I could as you exactly the same question, regarding ex boyfriends.

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mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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You cannot, I repeat, CANNOT take this personally. It is a coping mechanism. If she focusses on the negatives of the relationship she has an easier time rationalising that it being over is a good thing.

 

This is not a reflection of you, this is just how the mind works.

 

I think this also ties in closely with the dumper cake-eating and bread-crumbing too. They want to periodically check in and make sure they made the right decision. Make sure you are hurting / dwelling / suffering / staying stagnate. Then they know they made the right call. It's reassuring for them...

  • Like 5
Salvatore85 Established Member

Salvatore85

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The subject of this posting is amusing. Are you focusing on all the good things your girlfriend did for you?

 

'I did this...I did that...'

 

Except that wasn't the point at all. If he's asking why she forgot clearly he hasn't forgotten the things she did for him otherwise he wouldn't care, no?

  • Like 1
singme2sleep Established Member

singme2sleep

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Replace "ex girlfriends" with "dumpers". It's not gender specific and I must say unless you're a robot, you never really forget, especially the good things they did for you/you did for them.

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pickflicker Established Member

pickflicker

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Just because you do nice things for your girlfriend, does not make you immune to a break up. As other posters have said, don't take it personally.

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Sasukie Established Member

Sasukie

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Yup, been there done that. I think the best thing I learnt from my most recent relationship and break up is that being "nice" to a girl is good. Treating them like a princess and running to her every whim is absolutely stupid. You can't give them everything or you will lose yourself by doing so.

 

Also if you set expectations too high, they'll expect that or more. If you can't deliver which every guy will hit at one point, they'll get bored or will want something else new and exciting.

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lop98 Established Member

lop98

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I hope you're not focusing on how much you helped her financially and doing your math because that really sucks too. It's as bad as her focusing only in the negatives. But truth is, when a relationship has come to an end, the negatives have won, that's why she decided to break up... they weighed more than the positive and they're her tools to validate her decision. I'm sure she did great things for you too... but she's not going to focus on them positively either because that would be an argument against her own decision.

 

I'll just say that for me, as a woman, the financial aspect is important but ultimately it doesn't affect the way I feel in a relationship or the way I perceive a guy. My boyfriend is the typical "provider"... we have been dating for less than a year and by now he's spent easily over 2k in presents... did I ask for them or ever hint or suggested that I "wanted" that but couldn't afford it so he could spend his money on me? never, he just seems to genuinely enjoy spending money on me and surprising me. If he ever turns into a jerk and treats me like crap, I don't care if he has spent a million or sold his house, that's not going to give him "extra points" nor I'll feel bad if he ever tries to rub it on my face... he can still consider the relationship over. He knows that. I wish all guys knew that before they act entitled to certain type of behavior and come out of it shocked when the girl isn't having it "after all that money I spent!".

 

I'm not saying you did this, but I wanted to address this point somewhere....

  • Like 3
Sasukie Established Member

Sasukie

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Mine didn't have to do with money. I supported her mentally, supported her through school as requested by her since she was failing. I tutored her, I tried to raise her spirits all the time. I spoke to her family on her behalf because she was having a hard time communicating with them. I tried to guide her so that she could achieve the goals she set out since she was behind her friends who didn't mess up. I did all I could and all it took was a single drink and a cigar from a bad friend to put her mindset back to the partying that caused her to fail two years in a row in university in the first place.

 

When she then picks up another guy right after our break up, it just makes you question why you bothered so much. I wasn't a jerk. I tried too hard for a person that wasn't worth it, my friends warned me, but I cared too much.

 

My ex gf actually said something idiotic like this: It doesn't matter how many good things you do, if you do one bad thing, don't you know you need to do 9 good things to make up for it?

mutualove Established Member

mutualove

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Learn from it,as I did.

 

Before doing anything "nice" you need to be asking yourself whether your doing it for yourself or them.

 

If your doing it to make and keep them happy and content and somehow expect them to stick around because of your doings or you're looking for some kind of validation then that's a problem.

 

If you're doing it for yourself which is the way to go,then you don't care what they do in the end.

 

After all,kindness isn't kindness if you expect a reward in return.

  • Like 6
mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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After all,kindness isn't kindness if you expect a reward in return.

 

I dunno. My ex tried to lay this on me. But for me it was like... ok, I'll keep giving, and giving, and giving. And, after a while you don't really want to give anymore because they don't really give back. Ever... It starts to become very lopsided... Then it's this whole 'expectation' thing comes out. And, your like... really?? OK, I guess you're right :bunny:

  • Like 2
mutualove Established Member

mutualove

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I dunno. My ex tried to lay this on me. But for me it was like... ok, I'll keep giving, and giving, and giving. And, after a while you don't really want to give anymore because they don't really give back. Ever... It starts to become very lopsided... Then it's this whole 'expectation' thing comes out. And, your like... really?? OK, I guess you're right :bunny:

 

If you kept giving and giving because that's what YOU wanted to do then shouldn't be complaining about it even if things went south in the end.Besides chances of them taking you for granted increases highly.

 

But they have to realize you're doing what you're doing because you want to and not that you should.

 

Let me give you an analogy:You buy someone a nice car and tell them they can do whatever they want with it and you don't want anything in return except one thing,that they don't run you over with it!

 

That's the fine line I guess that "nice people" fail to see.You do someone a favor and expect they do something in return or that they owe you something because of it=bad

 

You do someone a favor and they do something in return because they UNDERSTAND you didn't have to in the first place=good

 

In the second case you shouldn't be upset even if they don't do anything.If you get upset then you should question your intentions.

Sasukie Established Member

Sasukie

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That's not really valid. Obviously you don't do something looking for anything in return. Nonetheless you would expect they would have the integrity to appreciate what you do for them. You don't expect them to treat you worse over time.

 

The whole point of a relationship is so that 2 people can join together and make synergies, not just one person spending more effort than the other as the relationship goes on.

mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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That's the fine line I guess that "nice people" fail to see.You do someone a favor and expect they do something in return or that they owe you something because of it=bad

 

You do someone a favor and they do something in return because they UNDERSTAND you didn't have to in the first place=good

 

I still think it comes down to frequency. After x number of times of scenario 2 not happening, it starts to become more like scenario #1

  • Like 1
mutualove Established Member

mutualove

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I still think it comes down to frequency. After x number of times of scenario 2 not happening, it starts to become more like scenario #1

 

Pretty much.That's why you should stop.Because kindness turns into "doormatyness"

mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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Pretty much.That's why you should stop.Because kindness turns into "doormatyness"

 

Hahahahaha. Shoulda, coulda, woulda...

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