lovestinksyeahyeah Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Hi y'all, I'm new here. My boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me a little over a month ago. I was absolutely devastated, and I guess I still am. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I did everything you are supposed to do when somebody breaks up with you - lose weight, get a new wardrobe, a new haircut. I have definitely gotten my confidence back. I'm in the final stages of trying to let go and just need some insight on this. I'll try to keep it to the basics. We had a fight the night before basically about him not really caring about me. Looking back we had been distant for a few weeks and I guess I know why now! The next day he came over said we needed to take a break. He needed space, he was bored and he wasn't attracted to me anymore because I gained some weight. I was bored and unhappy in our relationship as well. I was so consumed with doing everything to make him happy and he was so consumed with making me not only was it exhausting, but we also forgot to make ourselves happy! We are also both at turning points in our lives in terms of a career, moving, etc...and while I don't really worry about that I think he does. He said he was feeling a lot of pressure to take the next step since we had been together for almost 2 years. None of this pressure came from me - it's mostly all from himself. We never talked about the future/marriage or anything and I never really brought it up because I know it kind of scared him and I wasn't ready to take the next step either. I just enjoyed our time together and figure eventually things would fall into place. I freaked out initially when he broke up with me (begging, making a scene, etc...I am an emotional person) but soon realized that we really did need a break from each other. I started working on my stuff and becoming a better person, getting my life together, making myself happy again thinking we would come back into our relationship much stronger and be able to have a better relationship because of this. 2 weeks later he came over (right before Christmas) because he said he would see me before Christmas - we were going to take a 2 week to a month break and then "re-evaluate". Well this time through his tears he told me to "move on" and that he loved me and missed me. I've tried to keep my distance. I'm not texting/calling/FBing. He called me Christmas, we have exchanged a few words since then - mostly dealing with common interests, nothing about the relationship. He came over last week to drop some of my stuff off and we had a nice 30 minute conversation about what we have been up to. I was able to show him my changes (obviously I lost the 20 lbs. he found so unattractive). After that we exchanged a few texts and then he told me that he thought I wasn't taking the break-up seriously and that he thought I was waiting for him - which is not true. Maybe it took me longer since I was confused we were on a break and then I guess he decided he wanted to break up without ever actually telling me - I understood though since he told me to move on. He's back on the dating website and I have put myself on there too. I do want to work things out - I think it was the first time we have both ever been in a serious relationship and we definitely have some communication problems to work out - now I am thinking maybe he thinks the grass is greener? I don't really know because I'm still so confused over the whole thing. He tells me he thinks about getting back together and he'll contact me when he figures things out. He has mental issues he is dealing with so that is contributing. I just don't do this break/back and forth thing. He mentioned that he knows a lot of people (and for some reason this is true with all of his friends/family) that break up and get back together. I don't really believe in that. I just need to let go, but I guess was wondering if anybody had a take on if I still have a chance to work things out. Once I'm done - I'm done. If he does come back it will be too late unless we can work things out in the next few weeks. I just don't know what to do from here. It has been a really crappy Christmas/New Year since this happened in the beginning of December. We have been no contact for less than a week but I am holding strong onto this one and if he texts me I won't text back this time.
Chi townD Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Well, it sounds like you're doing all the right things except for one. You are still in contact with him. You start to heal and then he pops back in your life again with a text, or dropping something off, or even a Merry Christmas. Each time you have contact with him, it knocks you back a few pegs in your healing process and it fills your head with a lot of "what ifs" just like I read in your posts. The one thing you need to believe is that he told you to move on. So, believe him. If he's not coming back then you need to have him out of your life. This was his choice, not yours. Therefore he needs to live with his decision and that was to have you out of his life. So, you need to go complete No Contact with him. And you wouldn't be a bitch about it, because NC is a tool to help you heal and move on. I mean, if he's not coming back, then what's the point of continued interaction with him? It's going to result in nothing. Time to cut him lose and move on with your life.
jphcbpa Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 agree with above regarding NC. also take some more time for you...perhaps dating is not the best thing to do right now.
Author lovestinksyeahyeah Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 I know I have to go no contact. He says he would like to talk about things in a few weeks. I think he is still confused. It is difficult because on top of being the dumpee I am forced to not contact him even if he contacts me first. I guess it is the only way. Tomorrow is my birthday and I am giving up hope of seeing him. He just messes with me because he tells me he loves me still and misses me and one day he hope it works out between us...There is always hope for us blah blah! Guess I'm at the point where I know I need to let go now and I need to accept the fact that although he may be confused and doesn't know if he wants to try and make it work that I need to let that hope go. I'm not ready to date anybody else. I am just online dating again to meet people and to know there is something else out there.
LadyM Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 It sounds like you've been doing great, even without him. It seems like you are really strong and I love how you've been able to make so many improvements in yourself. That is awesome! Of course there is a chance he'll try to work things out in the near future, but I think the chance is far greater that he's moving on. Also, I know you gained some weight, but for him to say he is no longer attracted to you is somewhat of a red flag. I know the men out there will probably not like me for saying this. Life brings all kinds of changes to women's bodies, especially after childbirth and if he can be so callous about a nominal weight gain, I think he's shallow and likely doesn't love you enough. There are so many other ways to go about encouraging your girlfriend to lose weight than to come right out and say he's no longer attracted. Instead, you can exercise together, cook together and encourage each other instead of being critical, which usually just makes people eat more! Anyway, I think you can do a lot better than him. Your confidence is way up now and I think it would be wonderful for you to join an online dating site. You don't need him. Stop all contact. And make sure your next guy isn't critical of you. None of us need that.
Author lovestinksyeahyeah Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 I know I have to go no contact. He says he would like to talk about things in a few weeks. I think he is still confused. It is difficult because on top of being the dumpee I am forced to not contact him even if he contacts me first. I guess it is the only way. Tomorrow is my birthday and I am giving up hope of seeing him. He just messes with me because he tells me he loves me still and misses me and one day he hope it works out between us...There is always hope for us blah blah! Guess I'm at the point where I know I need to let go now and I need to accept the fact that although he may be confused and doesn't know if he wants to try and make it work that I need to let that hope go. His constant mixed signals are always throwing me off and I'm finally tired of it. I'm not ready to date anybody else. I am just online dating again to meet people and to know there is something else out there.
LadyM Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Just communicating with others on the dating sites is fun and ego-boosting, even if you're not ready to date. So good that you're doing that. But there could be a fabulous guy who does come along who may change that thinking of yours. (I hope so!) You mentioned his "constant mixed signals".......let me tell you, there are no mixed signals here. He is not with you now and that is signal enough. It's your birthday tomorrow and he isn't making any special plans to take you out - that is signal enough. Even if he wants to "talk about things in a few weeks"....you don't have to and I hope you don't. He is back on a dating website. That means he wants a new girl. There is nothing to talk about. He has already said it all. You deserve SO much more....and I know you'll get it one day!!
Recommended Posts