She has my mind on backwards

[RickFox]

you are totally right about the affair running my life or was running my life. I did manage to get a new amazing job that i am actually very lucky to have and her husband did find out about us, twice, and we still continued. After that she also confessed to make it a third time and still after that she came back but then bugged out and disappeared for a while. Anyway, what gets me is that im generally the guy with a lot of charisma that women seem to gravitate to....but somehow going thru this has totally robbed me of that...somehow as you put it i became a boy toy for this self centered princess.

 

Thats the part that hurts the worst about this whole thing...that i lost that energy and confidence. I see posts on this forum about people feeling drained and defused from the experience and i feel the same way. It feels like a combination of having been in the ring with tyson for 15 rounds combined with the weight of carrying this crazy mentality of hurt, sweet memories, sadness, and struggle on my head. Ive been thru other relationships before this but have never felt the loss this much. I constantly just space out into memories of great times that are immediately followed by the stab of the way things are now, and the way she is now. Though i exercise and take care of my responsibilities it always feels like im somewhere in between.

 

Supposedly after the loss is grieved everything feels better. But this is taking so long and requires so much strength, i guess one benefit is gaining access to a new type of strength, however, where i am now the loss seems insurmountable. Ive never had to fight off something that i loved so much and it hurts even more to know that that is what she wants, for our whole thing to be over. Gradually im starting to understand that based on her character and the way the situation has affected me that i should want this too.

 

I feel like im over here struggling with all of this and she is just fine because she can slip back into her marriage. She has imposed NC and i have no plans on breaking it this time, however, it would be good to hear from her just to know that she cares or misses me, and also give me a chance to talk to her not from a "whatever you say" point of view. It seems like its so crazy for her to just turn off all that love, affection, and caring that was once there in favor of us never ever speaking again and thats what hurts the most. Its like there are two versions of her doing battle in my head and somehow i always fall for the sweet version because it was soooo incredible when it was there. I know from the way im talking that i have a long way to go...which is why is ask is there a possibility that she will circle back around again? i havent seen her in 7 months now and somehow the pain is still so fresh.....i dunno....im trying but it feels like im not getting anywhere

 

you have no idea how long you have to go, especially since you fell for this woman. It has taken me three long years to get past everything, and that's the majority of feelings, but they still come and go. I understand everything you're feeling and you have to constantly remind yourself this: yes she probably did care for you and love you, but she didn't love you enough to change and be with you. You were a comfort, a band aid to her oh so horrible home life.

 

You ask if she will circle back around, but you ask because there is a large part of you that is hopeful she does, a chance to rekindle, or gain some understanding, to validate what you felt was truly real, or what she felt was real and the answer is yes, yes she may very well come back around, it could be tomorrow or three years from now.... nothing you do will prepare you for the emotions youll feel, but you have to realize she is not the person you thought she was, someone who loves you doesn't turn their back on you like that, they don't put you in that position to feel that kind of pain....that's not love, it is selfishness and cruelty.

 

It ain't an easy rollercoaster ride of emotions, but its far worse being stuck in a go nowhere relationship...just realize you loved her far more than she did you and ACTIONS always speak louder than words.

[XenoMouse]

your absolutely right RickFox. Deep down i do hope that she comes back around to satisfy this need to gain some understanding and for validation that what we experienced was real.

 

The hardest part is coming to the realization that yes she has turned her back on me, thats the part that hurts the most, that as you said someone who loves you doesnt put you in a position to feel that kind of pain.

 

Thru the support that ive found on this forum i was beginning to feel a little bit better, however, just the other day i changed my profile pic to one of me at my friends wedding and a stupid cousin of mine jokingly commented on how i would wish that was my wedding with MW, which might have been funny if kept in private but all of our mutual friends some of which commented on the pic as well saw it and it immediately brought back feelings of dread and sickness. It took away all the distance that i wanted to put between us and publicly put up everything i had been working against, I was building back up my confidence and feeling pretty good and this idiot just took it all away in one idiotic blow. Also i feel like for her to come back around everything would have to be fool proof and this was a demonstration that my situation isnt controlled. I obviously deleted as soon as i found it but i dont know if others would take it as a joke or as seriously as i did or if she saw it i cant imagine what would have gone thru her head (SO ANGRY!).

 

Then i committed the cardinal sin of checking her fb thru a friends profile and, of course, saw that she and her husband appeared to be living so happy and it just ripped right thru me. Obviously i know shes not gonna have posts on missing me and pics of her crying in a corner but still it stung.

 

Everyday almost every second i think of this the good times, and the pain which is searing and feels like it'll never end. There are good times but i always feel like it would be so much better if she were there. It hurts so much that she would turn her back on me like this. I know my feelings for her kind of made me a push over but still it feels like its just so easy for her even though in the past she has come back time and again but theres so much between us this time. Maybe its a good thing to let all this hurt and pain manifest itself so that i can wake up and move on but yet i tread water. When i feel free of it i immediately reach back for a good memory because i don't want to let go of how amazing it was and felt in my own head. I dunno if that makes any sense. Why was this relationship so powerful??

 

From what i read on this forum MMs seem to constantly return time and time again and its usually the OW that has to NC for dear life. Is it the same with MWs? Is it different and why so? Do women feel more guilt over their affairs and seek to make things right more so than men? Are they stronger in fighting off their emotions once they've made a decision?

[PurpleCardigan]

your absolutely right RickFox. Deep down i do hope that she comes back around to satisfy this need to gain some understanding and for validation that what we experienced was real.

 

The hardest part is coming to the realization that yes she has turned her back on me, thats the part that hurts the most, that as you said someone who loves you doesnt put you in a position to feel that kind of pain.

 

Thru the support that ive found on this forum i was beginning to feel a little bit better, however, just the other day i changed my profile pic to one of me at my friends wedding and a stupid cousin of mine jokingly commented on how i would wish that was my wedding with MW, which might have been funny if kept in private but all of our mutual friends some of which commented on the pic as well saw it and it immediately brought back feelings of dread and sickness. It took away all the distance that i wanted to put between us and publicly put up everything i had been working against, I was building back up my confidence and feeling pretty good and this idiot just took it all away in one idiotic blow. Also i feel like for her to come back around everything would have to be fool proof and this was a demonstration that my situation isnt controlled. I obviously deleted as soon as i found it but i dont know if others would take it as a joke or as seriously as i did or if she saw it i cant imagine what would have gone thru her head (SO ANGRY!).

 

Then i committed the cardinal sin of checking her fb thru a friends profile and, of course, saw that she and her husband appeared to be living so happy and it just ripped right thru me. Obviously i know shes not gonna have posts on missing me and pics of her crying in a corner but still it stung.

 

Everyday almost every second i think of this the good times, and the pain which is searing and feels like it'll never end. There are good times but i always feel like it would be so much better if she were there. It hurts so much that she would turn her back on me like this. I know my feelings for her kind of made me a push over but still it feels like its just so easy for her even though in the past she has come back time and again but theres so much between us this time. Maybe its a good thing to let all this hurt and pain manifest itself so that i can wake up and move on but yet i tread water. When i feel free of it i immediately reach back for a good memory because i don't want to let go of how amazing it was and felt in my own head. I dunno if that makes any sense. Why was this relationship so powerful??

 

From what i read on this forum MMs seem to constantly return time and time again and its usually the OW that has to NC for dear life. Is it the same with MWs? Is it different and why so? Do women feel more guilt over their affairs and seek to make things right more so than men? Are they stronger in fighting off their emotions once they've made a decision?

 

I can't answer your questions as I was the single OW in my situation and the xMM has chosen to return to his family. I feel the same way as you, especially the bold parts. Speaking for myself, I wonder if I can't let go because all I have left of him is the searing pain. If I let go of the pain, then he really is gone. All of that specialness and the ILYs are truly gone. He's seamlessly transitioned back into his home life of comfort and security with his wife and daughter and I'm here in no-man's-land. He was the first man that I ever felt "in love" with despite being older and having a few prior long-term relationships (this was first MM situation though). I wonder that instead of dealing with my own issues, I hold on to the pain because I don't want to let him go. So I re-injure my heart over and over again with the memories while deepening the pain into me.

 

I am letting go albeit very slowly. He wanted to be "friends" otherwise known as an EA. I ended that a few months ago and we went back and forth a bit. It hurt to hear that he loved me & wanted to be with me but was choosing to walk away "for his daughter" even though he was very unhappy in his marriage. We are now LC/NC (work only and that's rare as we work in different locations). I just have to be strong enough to put the pain behind me instead of reliving it as it is all that I have left of him.

 

(I'm not sure that this helps you AT ALL...but it felt good to make this connection and write it out. I may just print it out and bring it to my next IC session.)

[XenoMouse]

Thank you for sharing your story with me PurpleCardigan. Yes have helped out anybody that can understand how i feel and what im going thru helps out so so so much. Sometimes i feel like im the only one going thru this madness and the people on this forum and their advice have helped in ways that i couldnt have imagined.

 

I do the same thing when it comes to re-injuring my heart over and over again. I know posters have rightfully advised me that this girl isnt a good person and a compatible mate and they are completely correct, the problem is my heart and head are still so wrapped up in it. It feels like because NC was always implemented on me that its something horrible that crushes me but from what ive been reading maybe its actually a good thing.

 

Maybe this is how i can take time to really purge myself of this and get my sanity and my life back even though i dont want to. This may be exactly what i need. Even though i feel horribly cut off from and by the person i loved,thanks to some of the advice i have received here im starting to replace heartbroken feelings with thoughts of IM WORTH MORE, I DESERVE BETTER, and let the emotions of the aftermath catch up with me. Its funny cause it seems like even though she was unstable she was so much more of the damage we were doing to ourselves and each other, as i mentioned she would constantly tell me i deserved better then our A and she was constantly trying to end it. I wasnt the one that was married so i never chose the option of restraint and i got so lost in the fun and sex and love that i wound up by myself up s*** creek without a paddle.

 

After everything i just feel like ive been dragged thru the mud 100 times i dont know if i felt worse while i was in the A or now that it appears to be over. My head just always feels like its pounding and im never fully aware or in myself.