XenoMouse Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Ive been reading these forums for a while now and theyve been very insightful. My story is pretty stereotypical but at this point i really feel like i could use some help. This may be a bit lengthy but im really lost so i would like to give the most info that i can for help. We are both very young and i'll confess immature..both late 20s. Our affair like so many others developed at work. At first we hated each other then out of nowhere we were texting each other non stop and then about 3 months later we kissed for the first time. Before we really moved into a full fledged affair she would assure me that her and her husband had a good relationship which would confuse me. Nonetheless we went for it, all out. We had flirted and built up attraction for about a year so within 2 weeks of hooking up the "i love yous" and incredible sweet words and emotions were flying back and forth. We were so young and in love that we couldnt hide it, im pretty sure everybody at work knew we were not only having an affair but in the throws of love. Like all others have posted it was simply magic, every moment, every touch, every great escape that we planned and then obviously because of the recklessness D-Day came very soon (about two months later). Of course while we were together she told me numerous times that she wanted to be with me and asked me what i think our kids would look like but on D-Day under the bus i went. He found some romantic texts that she had saved from earlier and she confessed to everything, or so the story goes. After about 3 days however we were back in each others arms for a week straight and then she called it off again. It was horribly painful for me because it was like the cut off was at the peak of our relationship, she'd finally opened her heart up to me and this wonderful loving person came pouring out. After about a month of doom and gloom with stolen kisses at work and awkward texting we got back together again. However, at this point I lost my job, i just couldnt concentrate on anything and everybody knew what was happening between us. The upside tho was that we were back to our fling, she wasnt holding anything back anymore and we were having a great time for about two and a half months during which she'd say how easy it was to be a couple with me when we'd go out or hang out with mutual friends together (even tho with friends it was mostly stolen glances and touches). Then, once again D-Day. She cut everything off, said horribly hurtful things, and ended contact. By the end of the next week she was contacting me again telling me how sorry she was, and i opened a window to her soul, and that her hearts empty without me, and that shes living a lie and all that stuff but she cant leave after she begged and pleaded once again to be taken back. Soooo we start from scratch yet again after that day and then 3 days later she ends it again. Then she contacts again in a week and a half, complains that if she never re-established contact that i would just let her go, and once again we're back in it. But this time it was different. She always maintained a distance the iloveyous stopped as we agreed not to say it anymore and we were communicating in this very weird way where we'd talk because we wanted to but all the things we really wanted to say were in the under current and never spoken of. This was hard for me as im always very up front and part of the thrill for me and her was romancing each other and being sweet and cheesy. But now the emotional content was very tense unless it was right after a hook up when she couldnt help but gush. She restricted our level and quality of communication that it made it so difficult but we would still talk because we were addicted to it and we'd love our hook ups. Then i fb message her one day and she says that it was making noises on her computer and promptly dumps me the next day saying that she was afraid he would ask who it was etc etc. Boom done...once again just like that. Shocker...a two weeks late she sends a text to my old phone thinking i didnt have it anymore that her dog died. I got the text and offered my condolences and then we start talking again. But this time she is reluctant to get back into it or playing that she was idk. we'd meet up in a park before she had to go to work and i'd paw at her and she'd let me and we'd play back and forth games kissing and her pushing me away till one morning she woke up and told me she was ending it...then that afternoon she invited me over to her place and we got the whole thing going again. However, during that time she would speak of another kid that began to work there, almost everytime we spoke she would mention him in some way or another and tell me how he was similar to me and that rumors of naked pics were circulating in the office, however, when i asked her if they were true she was offended. By now it is late may early june and we've been in this dance since november. Her husband is a school teacher so he is home now and her movements due to him being home and his wariness are restrticted. At this point my psyche is so irreparably damaged that i dont know what im doing. My jealousy that she might be hooking up with this kid, our restricted emotional communication, and the longing to be with her next created this perfect storm of madness in me. All the while she was beginning to open up to me more and more. But when id press for a meet up she'd tell me it was the summer and it was hard for. But she would disappear in the mornings when we'd usually talk and when i one day jokingly said she wasnt a bad person just a bad girl she told me that all my suspicions were true...then took it back saying that it was to make me feel uncomfortable. Anyway with all this craziness in my head i accused her of hooking up with someone else constantly. However, when she found out i was hanging out with another girl she would come at me claws drawn, insisting i was hooking up with her as well and told me how bad it would make her feel. So now at this point nothings making sense then one day i pushed too far and she ended it in mid July saying she just couldnt take the mess anymore. She said that if we were just f****** for f****** then she could do it but we messed up because we fell in love. She says goodbye and for the entire rest of the summer i dont hear a word from her. Everybody around me told me that once her husband went back to school she would be back. And lo and behold an opening to communication opened up when a mutual friend invited me to a dinner that she would be at. she texted to ask me not to come and we were off talking again. She told me she had confessed everything to her husband in the summer and things were just now calming down at home. At this point the ppl around me have had enough and as embarrassing as this is to say my mom who had words with her previously sends a friend request to her husband on fb to let him know something is still in the works. Obviously after this she suggest i get a different phone number if we are to stay in touch and then breaks the whole thing off in the same conversation. I was distraught because despite all the madness i still wanted to be with her again and felt like now it was really completely over. In November this time i broke the silence and started talking to her again. We've had little spurt of convos here and there but nothing too crazy. Then in december she starts to bring up areas where we used to make out and things like that..the whole time i keep it cool because i know that the situation is still very fragile. Then she tells me she dreamt of me in a sexual way...an hour later i get a text that one day soon shes going to stop communicating with me for good. I tell her to relax and she says "Im causing cracks to appear in her carefully constructed wall" i tell her i just want to be friends because it feels so good to talk to her. So we talk some more and then she stops responding again i tell her we can still be friends theres no reason to shut each other out for good. Shes says that if her husband even finds out we had said hi he'd flip, and that although she cares form me her marriage is more important. But then the next day before xmas starts a normal conversation like everything was ok. So i didnt text her over the holidays because i didnt want to upset her paranoia. But now shes back to not responding to anything im saying to her. I told her lets just be friends we can be cool but deep inside i think we both know that it'd open up into something that we both or maybe just i crave. I dont want to lose her outta my life but i have no idea whats on her mind. She's been so back and forth and crazy that i believe she feels the same way i just dont know how to reach it without her responding. Does anybody have any advice on what shes thinking? whats going on? im just so lost on this whole thing.....any advice would be SOOO incredibly helpful. Shes come back after getting caught twice and confessing so maybe she really does care i dunno. For a while now because ive been on her coat tails shes been so so so mean and told me she would do it on purpose hoping that i would not like her which would make it easier to break off. IDK...please Help!
ZMM Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 we were communicating in this very weird way where we'd talk because we wanted to but all the things we really wanted to say were in the under current and never spoken of. I know that feeling, frustrating and strange.
Author XenoMouse Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 i also forgot to mention that when we spoke again at the beginning of september she told me that she had sex with a girl we both know. Everybody has told me that its a lie to get me interested in her again but i dont know she would flirt with this girl a lot. I dunno if that has any bearing on anything...just one more way in which she mentally karate chopped me.
ZMM Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Does anybody have any advice on what shes thinking? Have you asked her? And if you did, would she give you an honest answer? In your opinion, because you never really know for sure.
Author XenoMouse Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 ive asked her countless times thru this whole thing...she used to be honest and tell me what was in her heart but now she hides her true feelings...the most she said was that talking to me was opening cracks in her walls to which i replied im not after your wall i just want to relax and have fun convos before everything was so dramatic. We had two amazingly refreshing convos and now shes snapped shut again. She did say that she hates that we cant be friends but if her husband finds out then he'll flip and that her marriage is more important. But then we spoke again the next day as if everything was ok.
blue963 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Is it possible that she is bipolar. Sometimes they tend to make decisions in this way. Why are you enjoying these games? I know you may have developed feelings for her but I would think the changes would be emotionally and mentally exhausting. Im sorry you are going thru this.
ZMM Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 ive asked her countless times thru this whole thing...she used to be honest and tell me what was in her heart but now she hides her true feelings...the most she said was that talking to me was opening cracks in her walls to which i replied im not after your wall i just want to relax and have fun convos before everything was so dramatic. We had two amazingly refreshing convos and now shes snapped shut again. She did say that she hates that we cant be friends but if her husband finds out then he'll flip and that her marriage is more important. But then we spoke again the next day as if everything was ok. Maybe she is torn, she wants to be with you, but wants her marriage too. And she can't handle the just be friends relationship, but doesn't want you out of her life. So, she vacillates back and forth depending on her feelings at that time. And she may do some other odd things because in her mind it may keep you interested. These are just guesses, does any of it ring true? You would know better than me.
Author XenoMouse Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Thank you so much Blue for your kind words it has been so tough. She seems to fit the very definition of bipolar, early in the relationship she warned me that she was crazy but shes so animated that i took it to mean in a happy way. Some friends say that shes very confused, some say shes just been caught too many times that she has to act this way, and a others say shes just feeding her ego by stringing me a long. I dont enjoy these games and yes it has been the mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. I have so many feeling for her tho and dont want to lose her outta my life but the pain is sometimes too much to bear. We havent seen each other since the summer and i miss her so much that ive found myself willing to put up with the nonsense just for a chance to share that amazing connection and see her again. But what she's done is convinced me that she can easily let this go so that whenever she threatens to i beg and plead to hold on, that we can do it if we communicate at the right times, that it would be a shame if we part. She must know she's got me wrapped around her finger at this point because ive stupidly taken everything shes thrown at me believing that deep down she does love me. She gives me hope, claiming that it was a slip up of her true emotions and then snatches it away and cites her marriage like some cruel game.
Quiet Storm Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) I have no idea what she's thinking, but what are YOU thinking? It sounds like she enjoys the attention & validation that you give her, but it's not enough for her to leave her marriage over. So she will just contact you whenever she's bored, wants to play or have her ego stroked, and she wants you to be right there waiting. Willing to be her entertainment. I think she is a woman with issues that need to be addressed. She wouldn't make a good partner for anyone. It sounds like she's on a quest for validation and "happiness" because of serious self worth issues. She's not lying just to avoid getting caught- it sounds like she lies about everything. Her husband, you and whoever else she drags into this are collateral damage due to the manifestation of her psychological issues. I really hope she doesn't have kids. Meanwhile, her husband is probably believing all her lies, and wondering what is going on his marriage. It sounds like he wants to keep his family/marriage together, but likely doesn't realize how deep his wife's issues really go. Why intrude on someone else's marriage like that? What is so great about her? (she doesn't sound like a good person to me). She treats you like a toy in a toybox. She'll take you out when she wants to play, puts you back in your box when she's done and expects you to stay there waiting until next time. It's all about her. It's true that a lot of men don't mind and aren't offended when women use them, but are the sex & romantic words really worth it to you? Your post mentions her lying, and messing around with another guy. Lying about sex with a girl to get you interested? This girl needs help. So much drama and game playing. Why is this attractive to you? You lost your job over her, your mind is "backwards" over her. She may be mentally karate chopping you, but that is ONLY because you keep getting back into the ring. She has proven to you what kind of person she is. She isn't going to suddenly morph into a caring & considerate person and leave you alone because she has your best interests at heart. She has shown you who she is, but for some reason your heart doesn't want to believe it yet. You will have to be the one to put up boundaries, you will have to be the one that has self control, you have to decide that you are worth more than this. Edited January 10, 2014 by Quiet Storm 2
Author XenoMouse Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Maybe she is torn, she wants to be with you, but wants her marriage too. And she can't handle the just be friends relationship, but doesn't want you out of her life. So, she vacillates back and forth depending on her feelings at that time. And she may do some other odd things because in her mind it may keep you interested. These are just guesses, does any of it ring true? You would know better than me. It all rings as true, it all seems to depend on her feelings at a specific moment in time which are either Yay! or goodbye and its been so much now. I just really miss her since we havent seen each other in so long. It feels like she's right there but she's keeping herself just out of reach so i just keep grasping for it. And im afraid that if i let go of the situation then i'll miss out on having her back in my arms for good this time since we've had so much space from each other.
Author XenoMouse Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Quiet Storm...every single thing that you said was totally on point. Im sure he is in the dark as well. Numerous people have told me what a crazy person she is and how she would be a horrible person to be with. But like you said my hearts still wrapped up in it...Its the longing to see her, to touch her, to hear her voice again, the way it feels when shes sweet to me that still compels me to chase her. Maybe i have some validation issues of my own that she satisfies. there must be something wrong with me to put up with all of this and ignore such a truth staring me in my face. Its just that it feel like she's the one who has put up the boundaries and that she wants me out of her life because of what its doing to her. like im the bad guy, the one chasing when she doesnt want it but her behavior here and there says otherwise so i dont know what to make of it. Last time she called it off she didnt contact me at all till i broke nc after a month and a half and i feel like if i let her break up with me again i'll lose her for good. and im not ready for that just yet maybe its because im weak, the way she dangles the fruit just above my head, idk. But all of your comments are really helping..thank you!
Wambo Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 XenoMouse, there isn't much more to say other than you need to let go and allow yourself to heal. It's not going to be easy, it's not going to be nice and you may pick up some mental scars but you need to 'escape' from this. What she is doing to you is wrong and no true friend would do this to another. She isn't your friend anymore and sooner you accept this the better.
Speakingofwhich Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 It sounds as if she is emotionally and mentally ill. Sorry to be so blunt. It doesn't sound as if at this point she could be in a healthy relationship. She told you she was crazy. I'd take her at her word and move on.
Quiet Storm Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Quiet Storm...every single thing that you said was totally on point. Im sure he is in the dark as well. Numerous people have told me what a crazy person she is and how she would be a horrible person to be with. But like you said my hearts still wrapped up in it...Its the longing to see her, to touch her, to hear her voice again, the way it feels when shes sweet to me that still compels me to chase her. Maybe i have some validation issues of my own that she satisfies. there must be something wrong with me to put up with all of this and ignore such a truth staring me in my face. Its just that it feel like she's the one who has put up the boundaries and that she wants me out of her life because of what its doing to her. like im the bad guy, the one chasing when she doesnt want it but her behavior here and there says otherwise so i dont know what to make of it. Last time she called it off she didnt contact me at all till i broke nc after a month and a half and i feel like if i let her break up with me again i'll lose her for good. and im not ready for that just yet maybe its because im weak, the way she dangles the fruit just above my head, idk. But all of your comments are really helping..thank you! I suspect she is very good at blameshifting and making others feel like the bad guy (she probably does the same thing to her husband, which is why he keeps taking her back). She seems very manipulative. It's good that you recognize she is not healthy for you, but knowing that is not the same as actually doing something about it, is it? The problem here is that you see her attention and "love" as being a valuable commodity, but it's really not. Think about how her husband must feel & what loving her has done to him. Because you view her love as something great & special, you want it, you crave it and it makes you weak. Most men would find her behavior immature, unattractive, unstable, etc. I could see men knowing all this & still having sex with her, but most wouldn't get emotionally involved or see her as a potential partner. So I think you need to explore why you still want her. Lots of us become attracted to those we know aren't good for us. The difference is that some of us proceed anyway, while others distance themselves in order to protect their hearts. I think many times, the difference comes down to self worth. When we love ourselves, we actively keep ourselves out of harms way. We can protect our own self with the same love & concern that we would give to our children. So although it may be hard & contradict all the emotions you feel for her, you CAN distance yourself and be unavailable to her. It won't be easy, but you really don't have to just say "I'm weak" and give in to her. It's a choice that you are making. You don't have to be led by your emotions. You don't have to be affected by her game playing. You are stronger than you think. You will be OK.
RickFox Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 dude seriously??!! She's telling you that you aren't important enough for her to leave her marriage. Stop being her doormat, and yes I know how you're feeling. if you love her, let her go 1
Author XenoMouse Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 i would like to thank you all for your support it has been so incredibly helpful. Yes she has told me that her marriage is more important before we would make plans for her to leave but then she would get caught and go running back. Thats why i guess she started to put up walls so we'd never get back to that point. I spoke with her and took the advice and simply asked her what she was thinking and feeling. She told me the same thing ive heard every break up that last time we talked she told me we couldnt talk anymore and that she's sorry it has to be this way but NOTHING is say will EVER change her mind and not to text her anymore. She completely ignore the fact that last time we talked it was a regular convo not that shut down nonsense. And also that just 2 weeks ago she told me about dreams she was having about me and bringing up places where we used to make out. The thing is with all the advice that ive gotten on this forum im not as broken up about it as i used to be. Im a slow learner but im recognizing that this is not a normal person. I really used to think that she was just an emotional girl, lost and in love with 2 men and in a difficult situation with no idea what to do so i would give her the benefit of the doubt, thinking i was being understanding of her difficult situation. Maybe i was making excuses for her crazy behavior. Even after i told ppl around me what just happened they all said "she always says the same stuff to you", some even think that i really havent seen the last of her yet. But im starting to realize as many ppl have said that she's not normal, she has issues like real issues, that this is not a lover or even a friend. i simply told her that if that was her decision that it was fine, that she has changed so much from the person i fell in love with, that it mighta been nice to see each other one more time (because we havent seen each other in 6 months is just been back and forth texting weirdness) and that i will honestly miss her. I felt like this was good closure for me because i got to speak from the heart and not say anything mean or vindictive and just leave the situation on a peaceful loving note. Quiet Storm, your like a wizard. The things you mention about people who love themselves and taking care and protecting themselves from people and situations like that struck a deep chord in me and has been something i have been giving a lot of thought. When i look back at the situation i puzzle at how i allowed myself to be treated in such a way and the only thing i can answer with was that i was a love sick fool but even after the love was gone i continued to allow such treatment. As i said before it is you and the other wonderful ppl on this forum that have confirmed for me that she was not this wonderful person that i had put on a pedestal but in fact completely different. I do miss her still but i also feel a wonderful sense of a weight being lifted off my head now that im not under her spell. Granted i have my own issues to explore for not being able to see the person she was showing me she was and continuing to chase after a girl that most men would dismiss as unstable but it gives me strength that others can readily recognize her behavior as in fact unstable. Honestly the whooooole time she had me convinced that she was so stable and that i was the one that was crazy even tho all i did was try to be cool and understanding. She just had me so confused that i didnt know which way was up or down. I know i should have realized what was happening to me and put an end to it but all i was concerned about was my next fix and how to get it instead of putting my own well being as a priority. I think was just holding on to a ghost of the past before she got caught all those times when we were in love, wrapped in each other, everything she did was dripping with sweetness and we lit each other up every second we spoke or had time together, and i was hoping that that girl was still in there somewhere. Every now and then she would reveal that sweet loving person but i dont know whether it was because she was letting her guard down and showing me what was behind the walls in her heart or if she was purposely doing it because it kept me on her string. But its seems that thats the exact kind of sentimentality that she knows i feel and how she knows i will always be there because she knows how much i love those type of moments and will always stick around for the chance to experience just a piece of it again like some dope fiend and thats how she controls me. Truth is, i think, is if she was anywhere near that person that is that loving and sweet she wouldnt put me thru all of this and in such a mean way. Sometimes i think that her mean curt shutdowns are because that is what waywards are taught to do with their AP just shut it down and give no hope. But then i remember the words from the people here and my friends that shes just crazy and really only cares about herself and thats who she really is and has always been. Sorry for rambling i feel that all of you seem to know exactly whats going on so it feels good to spill out all of this stuff.
Hopelessromantic25 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Been there bro. It's not a easy place to be in, especially mentally. if I was you boss, take a step back, actually a few steps and reevaluate what you want with her. it's rough because if you guys love each other, no matter what, you're the one that's going to get the short end of the stick. what I did was figured out what my issues were that lead me to be that guy. I worked on them and in turn I kinda stopped chasing. I've told myself that even if she's mental, I still loved her. I can just love her from afar. People in affairs, especially the ones like us have to kinda accept that it may never work in out favor. So we rationalize. Now I guess it would depend on how you can move forward and thrive. You're a good guy man, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Author XenoMouse Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Thank you for your kind words and advice HR25. Wow i wish i had joined this forum a lot sooner. The support and insight i have found here have been so incredibly helpful. I still have just a couple of questions if thats ok. I wonder does anybody think that her game playing might have been her attempting to go NC but not being able to stick to it? Maybe she realized early on that this was all just too much and put in the effort to stop everything but just could not stick to it. She told me once early on that she wanted to end our affair because since we started her house has been a mess, her pets were neglected, her plants were dying, and her marriage was a sham. Could it be that all these back and forths of hers were her attempting to end the whole thing but out of the same feelings she kept coming back or was she just playing games??? This last round we had was particularly confusing, granted i broke the nc she that she imposed but she could have just not responded. Instead we spoke for about 2 months...first we started with tense one liners then gradually we upped it to our normal happy conversations which was so refreshing. Later as i mentioned before she started talking about our make out spots and dreaming of me, then she says that im causing cracks to open in her walls and that she's all about not upsetting her husband and goes NC and shuts everything down. WHY DO THIS?? I never mentioned anything intimate i just kept it easy and chill. Why would she open the convos to that level only to shut EVERYTHING down again. Is this just her typical game playing? or is it her realizing that we're on a slippery slope to hooking up again and preventing it from happening? Why even talk to me then if only to shut everything down again?? Is she struggling with this situation too?? or is it all a game?? Any thoughts??
Quiet Storm Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 My thoughts are... does it really matter if she is playing an intentional game? Or if she's just a confused, weak person with issues? The point is, she is treating you very poorly. Regardless of her motives, her actions should indicate to you that she is not a good partner for you. You deserve better. Many hearts are broken and lives are ruined by confused people with emotional issues. We often get wrapped up in the "whys" and many times there isn't an answer. You are trying to apply logic and make sense of the actions of a woman whose behavior is not driven by logic. Her behavior is driven by her emotions, which do not appear to be very stable or reliable. You will never make sense of it. Her intentions do not change the end result... Scenario # 1- She is an evil game player that loves wrapping men around her finger & schemes up ways to get reactions out of them. Scenario # 2- She is confused, immature & selfish. Her feelings are overwhelming, yet fleeting. She seeks attention & validation in unhealthy ways. She can't handle stress or cope with life, and neglects her pets & personal responsibilities when her emotions overwhelm her. Either way, this is not a person that would make a good partner for you. Getting lost in her motives just keeps you from moving on. Hopelessromantic is right- even if she's mental you can still love her. Love her, but love yourself enough to realize that she is not a good candidate for a relationship. Loving someone does not mean that you have to be with them. You can recognize that despite the strong feelings and love, she just doesn't have the traits that you want in a woman. 1
Speakingofwhich Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I agree with the above post by Quiet Storm, doesn't matter if she's doing it as a game or just as an undisciplined emotional person (and this seems very possible according to your posts). It has the same negative effect on you and your life. Also, were the two of you to be together you would most likely find your life together filled with emotional chaos to one degree or another permanently. It's not as if you could settle in and could live happily ever after. There probably would be drama most of the time with her. 1
Wambo Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 The best way to combat these mind games is by not going along with them in the first place. There are three simple ways to combat this and they are ignore, ignore and IGNORE. She is going to hate you for this but it shows you're not going to be treated like this and shows you wants someone better than her. I know you want answers and to be honest I do aswell but you aren't going to get them when she think she can walk all over you. You need to not only stand up to her but stand up to yourself aswell. Set tall barriers so the only way these mind games can get through is some serious act of insanity. Sooner or later she will get exhusted by her own games and either treat you with some respect or leave you be. In my situation my exAP were playing these mindgames to restart the affair. She was playing all manner of tricks in an attempt to get me to fight for her and it back fired on her. I was trying to savage what left of our friendship and these tricks shows .................... The important thing she stopped these games and showed me more respect afterward. OK she breaks NC but for that to happen she needs to go out her way to see me.
Author XenoMouse Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 i understand that i need to stand up to her and let her know that i will not be treated like this and that i deserve better. She herself at times has told me that i deserve so much more than the mess we were in, the problem is..now that shes gone NC will i have the opportunity to do this? I know it would be best for her and myself if she stuck to the NC but i would like the opportunity to kinda set the record straight i guess. The reason i feel that i constantly rolled over was because the change in dynamic happened so suddenly that by the time i caught up to her horrible treatment it was already too late. In your opinions based on the posts do you think she will continue to come back again and again or is it possible that she will stick to NC in an effort to move on? When MW return back to their marriages is it that easy for them to turn off the switch and forget everything that has happened?
Appreciate Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Trust me, this is not the type of woman you want to be with for the long term. QuietStorm's scenarios hit the nail on the head. Brother, this woman is an attention seeker and a cake eater. And in the near term, it's just going to cause you pain. You'll have to deal with it. It's called withdrawal. You'll experience it and so will she, but the more you linger over "what if's" and daydream, the more hurt you will become and the less you will like yourself, or her. The BEST thing you could do is look for another job. Seriously. This affair is running your life instead of you running your life. Also, what if the husband finds out about you? What if he physically attacks you .. a lot of OM are sent to the hospital or worse. You think just because he is a schoolteacher he might not go crazy alpha male on you? Don't count on it. What if he reports you and his wife to your HR in order to expose and end the affair? And you get fired and resume is tainted. What if he divorces her over the affair and she either spends months trying to win him back, or feels so crappy and regretful she gets depressed and flings herself at you for security and comforting? Don't jump for joy at that idea. The chances are that a woman like this will cheat on you or leave you later. She has very poor character. Be the kind of man women will gravitate towards and WANT .. don't be a boy toy for some self-centered princess.
Author XenoMouse Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 you are totally right about the affair running my life or was running my life. I did manage to get a new amazing job that i am actually very lucky to have and her husband did find out about us, twice, and we still continued. After that she also confessed to make it a third time and still after that she came back but then bugged out and disappeared for a while. Anyway, what gets me is that im generally the guy with a lot of charisma that women seem to gravitate to....but somehow going thru this has totally robbed me of that...somehow as you put it i became a boy toy for this self centered princess. Thats the part that hurts the worst about this whole thing...that i lost that energy and confidence. I see posts on this forum about people feeling drained and defused from the experience and i feel the same way. It feels like a combination of having been in the ring with tyson for 15 rounds combined with the weight of carrying this crazy mentality of hurt, sweet memories, sadness, and struggle on my head. Ive been thru other relationships before this but have never felt the loss this much. I constantly just space out into memories of great times that are immediately followed by the stab of the way things are now, and the way she is now. Though i exercise and take care of my responsibilities it always feels like im somewhere in between. Supposedly after the loss is grieved everything feels better. But this is taking so long and requires so much strength, i guess one benefit is gaining access to a new type of strength, however, where i am now the loss seems insurmountable. Ive never had to fight off something that i loved so much and it hurts even more to know that that is what she wants, for our whole thing to be over. Gradually im starting to understand that based on her character and the way the situation has affected me that i should want this too. I feel like im over here struggling with all of this and she is just fine because she can slip back into her marriage. She has imposed NC and i have no plans on breaking it this time, however, it would be good to hear from her just to know that she cares or misses me, and also give me a chance to talk to her not from a "whatever you say" point of view. It seems like its so crazy for her to just turn off all that love, affection, and caring that was once there in favor of us never ever speaking again and thats what hurts the most. Its like there are two versions of her doing battle in my head and somehow i always fall for the sweet version because it was soooo incredible when it was there. I know from the way im talking that i have a long way to go...which is why is ask is there a possibility that she will circle back around again? i havent seen her in 7 months now and somehow the pain is still so fresh.....i dunno....im trying but it feels like im not getting anywhere
Appreciate Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Seems like you are finding new strengths and realizations but you are still dealing with the withdrawal and grief. No one said it would be easy but you are on the right path. You were very hung up on her and it sounds like you never got proper closure. Affairs are intense, and 'normal' relationships may seem dull in comparison right now. But you will have to ween yourself off the sweet memories and keep reminding yourself it was a lot of illusion and selfishness, too. Hang in there.
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