co456 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 So I'm new here and made an account just to gain some insight... I broke up with my first ever girlfriend of a year and a half yesterday. Things at the time just seemed numb, I felt like she was being too clingy and she started getting jealous of me being friend with on of my floormates who happens to be a girl despite telling her numerous times that we honestly, just friends. In addition to that I felt like I had no bro time or anytime at all to myself just to cool off and relax. After thinking for a while, I decided to call it off. We go to the same university and since going there we have been fighting more, I feel like she has made me too central a character in her life, she has had trouble making friends and she has become extremely attached to me. Leading up to it i thought it was the right thing to do, although when it happened It was hard to do it. Seeing her like that was traumatizing and it hurt a lot. I told her I needed time to sort my thoughts and emotions out and I felt like it wasn't fair to her to be in a relationship with her. As soon as I got back to my dorm I started crying, it felt like my heart had been ripped out and I had been crying the entire day and even today. All I think about now is her and how much fun we've had together, I feel like I want her back but there's something egging me. I'm scared to get back with her because I do not want to hurt her like that again. She loved me unconditionally and was devoted to me, the memories of our relationship keep playing through my head and it just felt right, now everything feels wrong and it feels empty. Part of me says I should have waited or communicated with her better and told her I needed my space. She texted me, saying "take as long as you need, I will always love you" I don't know what to do, I'm completely in shambles right now. Should I try getting her back? Im sorry if this all seems jambled, there's just so much in my head right now.
d0cholliday Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) In my humble opinion... You need to find out do you really love this girl. I don't know, for me love is when you can accept the person as she is. You should tried to talk to her, explain to her what's on your mind, and what bugs you. But don't take too long. Communication is a base of a good relationship, that and compromise also. Don't try to change her, she needs to change herself for you, but you need to be ready to give her something back. Motivate her to make some friends, if you trust her enough, so you can have your bro time or whatever you need. Just don't lie... If you are lucky and she is open to communication go ahead and tell her what's bugging you. In my case lack of communication lead to loosing trust, insecurity and eventually a break up. Good luck. PS: remebering only good times is normal after the break up, especially in the first week, when you cant find anything bad on your ex, sometimes it can last very long, but eventually it will vanish. To me it was helpful to put a pro's and con's list, and put all of my emotions on paper. Edited January 10, 2014 by d0cholliday
rec88 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 From what you describe, it sounds like she may be a tad too dependent and you don't want to accommodate that. You two are on different pages, if you will. Time apart could certainly help you both see things more clearly and understand what you want from a relationship. But also understand that if she truly has attachment issues like you say, it will take a LONG time for her to get comfortable with herself and be more suited for a relationship. It could include rebounds and failure to recognize the issue which prolong the necessary growth. In the end you need to date someone for who they are now, not who you think they can be. Evaluate the situation based on that. Good luck and I hope the best for both of you. Whatever you decide, stick to your decision.
Sleepyhead Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I sympathize with the both of you, it really sucks when you feel like you've hit a wall like this. I'm a college age girl and I definitely don't know everything there is to know about relationships but here's my take on things... First of all, sort out your feelings. Take some time in NC until you feel you've come to a decision. Do you really love her, or do you just feel really guilty for hurting her? If you don't truly love her, do not go back out of guilt. Yes, it sucks to hurt someone when you still care about them even if you don't love them, but it will be even more devastating in the long run for her if you took her back just because you felt bad. It seems like that at this age, there are always bumps in the road at around 1.5 years, at least in mine and my friend's experiences. It's probably the stage where your partner's flaws have really shown, and you need to decide whether this individual's good qualities are enough to make up for these flaws. Believe it or not, us younger girls are still very insecure. I don't think I know a single girl out of any of my friends or their friends who isn't just a little bit clingy or jealous; it's exceedingly common. This often goes for guys our age too. We're still finding ourselves and figuring out who we are in our relationships. However, I really think this can be helped with communication-- understanding where she's coming from but conveying to her how her behavior is putting a strain on you. My ex never talked to me about what he was unhappy about, in fact he would try to cover it up to avoid conflict. I'm a reasonable person, and I bet your ex is too, and I would have truly listened and tried to change had he just clearly and explicitly stated just how unhappy he was with the situation. By the time he broke up with me he said it was too late. Please don't be like him-- it made me feel like he never respected or cared enough to communicate how he felt with me. Also, some university's counseling offices offer free couples counseling-- if you don't feel totally comfortable in your communication skills (or trust in her ability to communicate) this may be a good place to start and learn to effectively problem solve with your partner.
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