Author katielee Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 I think you should accept it as a repercussion and a consequence of your actions. nope. I've accepted enough. Time will tell if I can live with all this. There are consequences to both of our actions. I understand what he has had to endure emotionally. Heck he had two affairs because of it. No more crap.
xxoo Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 TG - you mean he thinks that it's not ok that we're still here? If so, why doesn't he do something about it. Or, that he has weighed the odds and staying seems to be the best for us/him? Why does he get to make that decision for me? He doesn't. Why would he get to make that decision for you? It sticks out to me that you are are caught up in power struggle, and this move is a major win/lose in that struggle. He can decide what is best for him. You can decide what is best for you. In a healthy marriage, what is best for me and you is often what is best for the couple. But in the case of a marriage rocked by infidelities on both sides, what is best for the couple may not be in the best interest of each of you as individuals. Do what is in your best interest. But understand that he should also be doing what is in his best interest.
Author katielee Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 Xo- I agree... But he has said that we'd need to make that decision together.
tired girl Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Hasn't he been clear that he has already made a decision?
xxoo Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Xo- I agree... But he has said that we'd need to make that decision together. Probably meaning that the decision to move together would have to be one both of you want, not something you push onto him.
Author katielee Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 Probably meaning that the decision to move together would have to be one both of you want, not something you push onto him. Hence the dilemma. This will be my decision. Not sure what to do with the power struggle we always seem to have
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Katie, have you both sat down and actually discussed moving? Not, "I want to move"...."well, I don't want to". I mean actually sit down and discuss the viability of it. Pros and cons. What it would look like. The positive and negatives for each of you. What compromises can be made on both sides. When we feel like a choice is being thrust upon us, we tend to fight it. For each of you. Maybe, if you both can re engage this topic with good faith on both sides, you can resolve it. Once both of you feel like it is your choice (stay or move), then there won't be a power struggle/feeling dismissed on either side. 1
tired girl Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Do you feel like this is an issue that you can't drop because you kept your mouth shut for so long in this marriage, so if you let this go now it will be like doing that all over again?
Author katielee Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 TG I've thought about your question for a while. I don't think so. In the last two years I've made myself a deal in that I bring things up. Not everything under the sun (although hubby probably thinks otherwise) but any time I hesitate I think to myself, look where that got you before. So I do talk about things I need settled between us. This is the last big thing. I've given up other stuff such as him working very near OW1. As I look back, there have been other betrayals- not infidelity related, that occurs that I kept quiet about. I shouldn't have. Those wouldn't pass by now. AG- I will do this! Thank you! 2
Author katielee Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I read him the first part of my letter. He asked why he should have to punish himself from what I did like reading, going to therapy, going to marriage encounters... he has read about three books... I said that BS have to heal. They have no right to act out. He said he was still healing from what I did and that's why he had a second affair. I said I'm healing from what you did and I have no right to do something like that. He said I have no idea what it feels like to have your wife give herself to another man, to honor your vows, after having many opportunities, but your spouse does not. I agreed that I did not. I said but you had to know that having affairs was not the path to healing. He said he knows he shouldn't have done that. I said I read, am on infidelity forums and go to therapy to try to heal. He said why are you punishing yourself this way? Boy, we are SO different! He also said one of the reasons he doesn't want to move is that he still is lacking in confidence. But he said he'd start looking. But wants to talk about this in MC first...
road Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 TG I've thought about your question for a while. I don't think so. In the last two years I've made myself a deal in that I bring things up. Not everything under the sun (although hubby probably thinks otherwise) but any time I hesitate I think to myself, look where that got you before. So I do talk about things I need settled between us. This is the last big thing. I've given up other stuff such as him working very near OW1. As I look back, there have been other betrayals- not infidelity related, that occurs that I kept quiet about. I shouldn't have. Those wouldn't pass by now. AG- I will do this! Thank you! This why there is no recovery for you and him. You are still talking about the affair two years later and he works with an OW. No if an butts. Have one last tell all answer every question about the affair. And, move far away.
Author katielee Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Road: he doesnt' work with one of the OW, they just live here. also, I will talk about this whenever I need to. I have no questions left. But I am d a m m sure I will express hurt, on occasion.
BetrayedH Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I read him the first part of my letter. He asked why he should have to punish himself from what I did like reading, going to therapy, going to marriage encounters... he has read about three books... I said that BS have to heal. They have no right to act out. He said he was still healing from what I did and that's why he had a second affair. I said I'm healing from what you did and I have no right to do something like that. He said I have no idea what it feels like to have your wife give herself to another man, to honor your vows, after having many opportunities, but your spouse does not. I agreed that I did not. I said but you had to know that having affairs was not the path to healing. He said he knows he shouldn't have done that. I said I read, am on infidelity forums and go to therapy to try to heal. He said why are you punishing yourself this way? Boy, we are SO different! He also said one of the reasons he doesn't want to move is that he still is lacking in confidence. But he said he'd start looking. But wants to talk about this in MC first... Sounds like you're getting somewhere. But I'd recommend you watch for actions. I have to say I hate that "talk about it in MC" crap. My wife pulled the same thing. That's avoidance and just assures him that he doesn't need to engage but an hour a week (and she left all the talking to me). Still, I think it may be positive that he said he'll start looking.
tired girl Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I know that you and I have had this discussion before, but what he has just said brings it up again. You can't force him to heal the way you do, and you can't force him to deal with what you did in a healthy way. Just like I couldn't force HL. Your H seems to be really good at conflict avoidance and does not want to budge from that place. All the discussions in the world at this point I don't think are going to change this. He didn't have the wake up call that HL did after his two affairs. His changes are not internal, they are abiding by the rules that you set down. Which means that he will screw up again in the future, because he doesn't see the real issue. So at some point you have to decide if this is good enough for you.
Author katielee Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 he doesn't see the real issue. So at some point you have to decide if this is good enough for you. what is the real issue??
Fluttershy Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 The real problem is he isn't taking 100% responsibility for his affairs. It is the same as someone in a bad marriage. "if my wife hadn't withheld sex for three years I wouldn't have cheated" "I wouldn't have cheated if she cheated first" Which may be true (we can't ever know what would have happened 100% because it is impossible to know how one event changes everything) but doesn't take any of the responsibility away from the perpetrator. I would say he feels sorry he hurt you. He may even regret it. But I'd say he hasn't taken 100% responsibility in his mind. 1
tired girl Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 ^^^^This. There is regret at having done it. There is not remorse and a need to change who he is or his coping mechanisms. He doesn't see himself as having been a wayward. Therfore he doesn't need to do the things that you did. And he would like to stop all the counseling and just push this under the rug. Pretty much what HL tried to do. Pretty much what I did with HL's first affair. He sees no real reason to change himself, as you were the reason that all of this happened in the first place.
Author katielee Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 thank you. I would like him to tell me that to my face. But maybe he has been with his actions.
tired girl Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I think tries the best that he feels he can to be empathetic to your pain. HL was similar to that prior to this last time that I busted him. I was telling him how much it hurt me about his first affair and he was like whatever, you slept with someone. It wasn't until I busted him two years and I had been doing everything to put us back together that he realized the problem was him. You have not gotten from him what you needed from day one. I am sorry about that. I hope he doesn't do it again.
road Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Road: he doesnt' work with one of the OW, they just live here. also, I will talk about this whenever I need to. I have no questions left. But I am d a m m sure I will express hurt, on occasion. Living close to the AP always hampers recovery. Another fact besides old man McDonald is a bad speller is healing never happens talking about the affair. It keeps you and your WH from forgetting and leaving the affair in the past.
Author katielee Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 we both have a lot of anger still. Mine I wear on my face, his is masked. He gave us worksheets and asked us to make it a priority in IC. Regarding moving: hubby said he wanted to be honest and upfront – he doesn’t want to move. He asked the MC what to do about me being resentful if we don’t move and him being resentful for giving up his job if we do. I said I don’t want to move really, I just want him to understand how hard it is, that it is a huge sacrifice and that I want to be open and honest with him as well, I don’t know what I’ll do if I see them. MC said to hubby to stick with me on my level when I trigger seeing them – the emotional level, not the practical level of giving up jobs, money etc by moving. He also said someone will have to be the bigger person and give up their resentment. Or buy a boxing bag. MC asked when I saw the OW if I ever said to myself, “I have him.” – or something to that effect. I said never, not feeling like I won some prize. He said that as we build a loving relationship that will come. Maybe. MC stressed – to me particularly – that I need to put hubby’s affairs into perspective. They were an aberration… an out of character thing. Thinking on this has helped me let go of a little of the resentment.. I know others on here have had SO with histories of poor boundaries and behavior, this hasn’t been the case with either of us. Hubby said he COULD call himself a wayward person without the word “but….” at the end. I asked him specifically about self-betrayal. He spoke to that for a while and how he did feel like he betrayed himself and his values. I have never really heard that from him before. It made me feel better/safer? to know that he understood that. today I feel good anyway! 2
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