tired girl Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 It doesn't mean that you have to continue to tolerate living there. But I don't know that you will ever get him on your side of the fence on this.
sidney2718 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I understand the reasoning. I'm taking a huge gamble too. We still live in the same town as my husbands two APs. I'm taking a gamble that he's done with them and will not cheat on me again, with anyone. I'm taking a gamble that he respects me, puts my needs first. Actually, it's apparent that he doesn't if I've expressed this need to move already. If someone's job is their security, if money is not an issue, why should I have to suffer for his identity being his job? Whoa! I'm sorry to say this but you are off-base. In previous posts you've outlined a large number of reasons from children to grandchildren, relatives and friends, why you really don't want to move. And you've already explained why it would be very hard for your husband to move. So why are you demanding it? You say it is because every time you see one of this AP's you trigger again. I sympathize with that, really. But moving won't change anything. Nothing stops either you or him from having another affair! I know, nonsense, you say. I will not have another affair! But how does he know that? You had the first one, didn't you? You could have another, especially if you are angry with your husband. HE has to cope with that and I'm sure he thinks about it. On the other hand, he had two revenge affairs, one after the other. There's no way to balance those, but I'd call it even in the sin department. If you want to stay together, and clearly you do, you have got to compromise. You have got to give up the idea that you can escape signs of his past affairs. He has to give up the idea of further punishing you. And the two of you, perhaps with some professional help, can try to reach a compromise of some sort. But most of all, why do you feel that you have the right to complain? If he'd not had those two affairs, we'd be reading a request from you to help you in gaining a reconciliation with your husband. There'd be no talk of your demands. He didn't divorce you. Doesn't he get some credit for that? And don't bring up his affairs as an answer. They aren't. 1
Author katielee Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Wth? I said I felt he HAS sacrificed. So I just stay and suck it up I guess. Moving would take away a hUGE trigger for me. I would do it for him.. It doesn't have anything to do with fidelity. We both have those trust issues now no matter where we live.
xxoo Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Maybe you are too willing to sacrifice for this damaged marriage. It may not be salvageable.....
tired girl Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 What I have learned in this whole process is that just because I would do something for HL, and because I view something a certain way, doesn't mean that he would do it,and that he views it the same at all. Your husband has made this clear to you. So your options are, stay and figure out how to move past the trigger, or move without him. I realize that this makes you angry. You feel that it is unfair. At this point you have to move past it and make a decision on what you want for you. What goes through your mind when you see these women? Do you feel that they are current threats? Or is that they are still a very strong trigger?
Author katielee Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Anger at him...that he wanted that person and not me. Humiliation that I am looking at a person my husband touched, intimately, not sex but i saw for myself how intimate it was. Sidney, I saw him on top of one, if you haven't read this thread.... I get what you all are saying, that he has made his decision and for MY OWN SAKE, I need to move forward, with SOME decision.. . TG, I know enuf of HL to know he wouldn't expect this of you.
tired girl Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 No. He wouldn't. But there were more than two in my marriage. I have come to the conclusion that they were all tools. So they don't matter to me. Not individually. Six months ago I told him to re apply to where he used to work, where they all took place. Because he either gets it or he doesn't. I am either going to move forward with him or not. At his new job he works with ALL women. This was a huge trigger for me. HUGE. Now it isn't. Like you, I am still deciding if I am ok with everything that has happened. Some days I am, some days I am not. If he wanted to do it again, it won't matter where we are. 1
veritas lux mea Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I'm sorry OP but I really think you have sine serious self entitlement issues. If my man decides to go have a fling it will hurt like hell but I know i started it, you know? And if he only messes around with two women and no penis enters vagina i think I'd have a lot to be thankful for. In short, you seem to be justifying your anger and you wanting to move and "I's do it for him,. You really don't have two legs to stand on. If he was continuing to f around all this time I would say leave. But u both have stopped messing around. Maybe it is time to let go of fairness and whatnot. 1
Author katielee Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 I'll never understand on this forum how some posters think people "deserve" affairs or that they should expect them in return and be ok with it. As TG stated a post, RA makes things a million times worse. And now there are two unhealthy spouses. If we were going for fairness I'd be owed one. No way do I think like that. All affairs are bad news. If these women weren't in this town I think I would be inching very close to forgiveness and a good life moving forward. So the issue is me moving forward without resentment. That is the crutch of the BS. And please don't tell me he is doing this. His acts had everything to do with resentment.
xxoo Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Affairs don't balance each other out in the sense that the score is settled. They do balance out the playing field in terms of "high ground" and "low ground". You're both on low ground. Neither of you is in a position to demand much of the other in terms of sacrifice for this marriage. You each should only give what you are truly willing to give, and carefully at that. 1
tired girl Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Do you believe that he is still resentful, or are you the one holding onto resentment at this point? I know that right now I am the one in the relationship holding onto resentment. But it is on me to work through it or not. HL is doing his part. Nothing more I can ask of him. I have to figure out if I can work through this to the point that our M can be healthy again. I see that you are at the same point, I don't think that this is something he can give you or work through with you. He has said he won't move. So, do you work through this or leave?
Author katielee Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 I haven't ever pushed the issue of moving but I do mention it as an option. A lot. Last night we talked and I said I wanted to be his priority. He said I was. I said I'm worth moving for although I don't really want to move because of my friends and a couple of our kids here. He said those are good reasons to stay. He said don't let the acts of selfish people affect your life, or something like that. He said he hopes I can heal from seeing them with his help, whatever that means. I have no idea if he feels resentment still. I know he had what he calls an angry day last week and I hugged him and apologized. He said he didn't really want to talk about it. I respected that. TG- are you resentful because he didn't confess or admit? Or years of crap? Today was a good day. A day I felt like, I can do this. Yesterday, not so much.
tired girl Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I resent the years that it went on for. I resent that I was working so hard to put things back together, leaving myself wide open for him and he went out and did it again, knowing that I had told him that I could not take him doing it again. That is why I am not sure I can work through it. If it wasn't for the fact that he had changed so much I wouldn't be here. But I resent a lot of that. I have to let go in order to move forward.
underpants Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 My xAP moved 4 hours away. He pretty much ran him out if town. We've not seen him since. So where is it you want to move... about 4 hours away? A new place will not fix issues. It might be time to call it quits. You both cheated, and probably lots of other things, sometimes its better to part with mutual respect then to destroy each other. Or...whatever.
Author katielee Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 A new place will not fix issues. It might be time to call it quits. A new place would handle a very large trigger for me. It would be a fresh start. But I know it won't fix every issue. I dont know how to get past the feeling that I'm being disrespected by staying here. That he thinks this is ok that I am here. It floors me. 1
tired girl Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I don't think he views it that way at all. Have you considered that? 1
Author katielee Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 TG - you mean he thinks that it's not ok that we're still here? If so, why doesn't he do something about it. Or, that he has weighed the odds and staying seems to be the best for us/him? Why does he get to make that decision for me?
tired girl Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 He has weighed this out, and for him, this decision is the most logical, and the best financially. He feels responsible for the financial decisions and he will make a lot of them based on that. And from what you have said about him I don't see him going against that because he feels that you are having a hard time seeing these women a few times a year. You can always make a different decision for yourself. And you don't always sound a hundred percent certain that you think a move is the right thing. It sounds almost like you just want him to give on this. And you may not even want the move, you just want to know that he would. Forcing someone to bend to our will in a marriage never works out well. If this is the deal breaker for you then know that deep down and move on. Huge triggers suck. They just do. What has helped me the most with mine is HL's willingness to be there with me. Not being defensive and being remorseful. Is he doing that for you?
Author katielee Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 You can always make a different decision for yourself. And you don't always sound a hundred percent certain that you think a move is the right thing. It sounds almost like you just want him to give on this. And you may not even want the move, you just want to know that he would. Forcing someone to bend to our will in a marriage never works out well. If this is the deal breaker for you then know that deep down and move on. Huge triggers suck. They just do. What has helped me the most with mine is HL's willingness to be there with me. Not being defensive and being remorseful. Is he doing that for you? yes, he is! but I want to punch him when it happens Does this happen to anyone else? Yep, I want him to prove his love for me. I'm guessing he thinks staying after I cheated is his proof - I'm going to ask him exactly this. Me staying with him after he cheated is my proof that I love him. But accepting any more I have to figure out if my dignity and self-worth can withstand it. I'm standing by the letter I opened this thread with. It's compassionate and explains how I feel - in limbo.
tired girl Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Sure, that happens to me. I will tell you about the last major one. HL thought he was handling this situation really well, and for the most part he did. He was invited to a lunch at work that was a good by lunch for a co worker- female. He said he would only go if I could come to the lunch as well. It was at a restaurant near his work. So I said I would, thinking it was going to be mixed company, after all it was people from his dept. I get to the rest. and sitting at the table is my H, surrounded by nothing but women. Awesome. He never warned me that this was the situation. I walked right into it. To make matters even better, when I got there, I didn't see his car in the parking lot. So I am sitting there thinking that he rode there with one of these women. I proceeded to have a good lunch and they all seemed like great women. Meanwhile I am wanting to punch him in the face for not giving me a heads up. It turned out he had parked behind the rest. so that was all good. But when I left, I was ready to be done. DONE. I nearly couldn't handle it. That was how I found out that he works with all women. It felt very familiar to me, just like his old job where he conducted so many of his other behaviors. This was really hard for me. Here is the thing, he either gets it and we can put this marriage together or he doesn't. If he doesn't, I need to go. But yeah, I felt like punching him for a few days
Author katielee Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 oh, yes, I can see that!! But hey, this is how far I've come: hubby has a broken leg and cant drive. He has to attend a meeting out of town and a gal he works with my age is driving him. I'm just like, meh. I feel I'm being very understanding about his job, etc. Yet, this is something I would never do. You maybe didn't hear that he got his secretary something because she was having a bad day. On our anniversary. I got a card. That went over well. He's a slow learner! 1
tired girl Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I did see that. I do think your H is still in a place where he hasn't quite dealt with what you did. I think this holds up a lot of his empathy for what you feel. This could be a dynamic that goes on for quite awhile until he feels able to come to you with it. I know you want him to have a greater amount of empathy for you. Until he can really look at his own feelings honestly that may not happen. It didn't happen for HL. These madhatter situations suck. They just do. The whole gift for the secretary and not for me would have sent me into orbit. 1
tiredofitall2 Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 yes, he is! but I want to punch him when it happens Does this happen to anyone else? Yep, I want him to prove his love for me. I'm guessing he thinks staying after I cheated is his proof - I'm going to ask him exactly this. Me staying with him after he cheated is my proof that I love him. But accepting any more I have to figure out if my dignity and self-worth can withstand it. I'm standing by the letter I opened this thread with. It's compassionate and explains how I feel - in limbo. I think you have the right to feel this way. I think it would be great and not unjustifiable if you guys decided to move based on all that you have discussed. In fact I think it might even be better for both of you. But, I don't think you should base your decision to stay or divorce him if he doesn't want to move. I think you should accept it as a repercussion and a consequence of your actions. Now, what he did was completely wrong and he further damage the R. It's like putting off a fire with gasoline. You are lucky your M still exists. Double betrayals just make things so much worse. Just think a little about what he has had to endure emotionally after your A. This will put things into perspective. He can also be a little more understanding and set a long term plan which can include the possibility of moving. Just don't D due to this. 2
Recommended Posts