lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I think she said 2 years I'm sorry- I thought she meant two years since her first dday (her affair).
Author katielee Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Zen, I get it but I have resentment for having to see them. What to do about that except NOT feel resentment and I don't know how to get there.
tiredofitall2 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Zen, I get it but I have resentment for having to see them. What to do about that except NOT feel resentment and I don't know how to get there. See it for what it is. These women were used by your H. Used for validation and revenge. They were tools. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 See it for what it is. These women were used by your H. Used for validation and revenge. They were tools. Hmm. You know, I hear your point. I also find myself feeling some real empathy for some OW. But I think that seeing them makes her trigger (20-some times now) and the fact that her H leaves her in this position makes her resent him. Can she change her view enough such that when she sees them she feel something different than a painful trigger? Maybe (and it seems like that has happened for some BSs). For me, I just don't know. Recently, I got a notice that my exwife's OM had viewed my LinkedIn page. I'm about as neutral as they come when it comes to being indifferent about the other person (he was just a guy happy to bang my wife) but just that one stupid little thing really brought out vengeful thoughts in me that have long laid dormant. If they have the means to go elsewhere (and I get that not everyone can), maybe they really should. The fact that they do have the financial means makes me think that she can press her H harder. Whether it's a dealbreaker is really up to her.
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I don't view Katie's request (hmmm, that often used word...need) to move as a consequence(punishment) that she is giving her husband. Katie is self advocating. Katie knows herself best. Like I said previously, Katie has never wavered in wanting this. It is important to her. If there is one thing that anyone involved in an affair should learn, it is to respect yourself first and never hide or sacrifice yourself to the point of resentment. It is easier and healthier to move forward with zero contact. It just is. Personally, I would not want to know a damn thing about an XAP or XOM/XOW. I know all I need to know about them already.
tired girl Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Have you asked your H if he would still want to live there if your AP still lived there? Would he be bothered if he still had to see him occasionally?
Author katielee Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 TG; yes, several times. He said there is no way he would know how he felt without actually going through it, although he knows it is no picnic for me. He has also said that he triggers as well, without having to see an actual person. To me, he is kind of passing the buck on this one. I really don't know how anyone could do it. These women are unimportant to him, and he hopes I see them as such.
tired girl Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 In having this conversation with him, he needs to go deeper than that with you. He needs to really visualize having to see your AP around town as many times as you have, then give you an answer. Maybe have him do this exercise in MC next time you two go so the counselor can help him with this. HL had to learn how to do this so he could learn empathy. 1
road Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 While I understand this, it is not always practical - especially if you have aging parents that need care. Not all of us can just up and move. You move then too.
Author katielee Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 You're asking him to gamble big on a bad bet. he is more so by staying here.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 You move then too. What?? This makes nose sense
Author katielee Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 another question: when should BS be in with both feet? or, can one be tentative for a long long time?.... and I mean treating each other like we want to be in the marriage.
xxoo Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 he is more so by staying here. How is staying in your area a bigger gamble for him than moving?
Author katielee Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 How is staying in your area a bigger gamble for him than moving? He's taking a bigger gamble of me leaving him if we stay here.
xxoo Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 He's taking a bigger gamble of me leaving him if we stay here. Yes, I'm factoring that in. If the marriage falls apart where you are, he has his safety net. If it falls apart after you move, he's lost it all. That doesn't mean he doesn't want the marriage to work. Just that he may not necessarily be willing to gamble so much on a marriage that has had multiple affairs in the past few years. And many would say he'd be a fool to do so.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Yes, I'm factoring that in. If the marriage falls apart where you are, he has his safety net. If it falls apart after you move, he's lost it all. That doesn't mean he doesn't want the marriage to work. Just that he may not necessarily be willing to gamble so much on a marriage that has had multiple affairs in the past few years. And many would say he'd be a fool to do so. Katie this might make some sense.
Author katielee Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 I understand the reasoning. I'm taking a huge gamble too. We still live in the same town as my husbands two APs. I'm taking a gamble that he's done with them and will not cheat on me again, with anyone. I'm taking a gamble that he respects me, puts my needs first. Actually, it's apparent that he doesn't if I've expressed this need to move already. If someone's job is their security, if money is not an issue, why should I have to suffer for his identity being his job? 1
tired girl Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 As far as the cheating is concerned, you both are in the same position. Neither of you trusts the other at this point. In regards to the AP's, you know you will see one of them again at some point, so what are you going to do? He has made it clear what his position is, so this puts you in a position of either dealing with it, and learning how to move forward with that, or you move somewhere else where you don't have to see them and you will be without him. Can you do that?
xxoo Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 If someone's job is their security, if money is not an issue, why should I have to suffer for his identity being his job? You don't have to. You can choose to, if the relationship is worth that to you. You each get to decide what you are willing to risk to save the damaged marriage. Personally, I doubt I would sacrifice my professional life behind for a marriage with current issues. There's love, and then there's peace and stability.
Author katielee Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Seems to me I'm screwed either way. Where's his eff I n g sacrifice...? And why would I move if he wanted to no problem? I'd liked to be loved back the same in return 1
tired girl Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 At this point don't you feel that you both have sacrificed to stay in the marriage? If he won't go what are you going to do? I think he has made it fairly clear. Also, at his age finding a good job with decent security is hard.
Author katielee Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 I certainly feel that we've both sacrificed, but that I'm getting the raw end, If I hadn't had an affair but he had his two I bet we'd be gone. Any guy would do this to keep his wife and family together. If he doesn't care then he either doesn't love me the same or as much as before or I'm still being punished...,
xxoo Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Do you really feel he hasn't sacrificed? I understand not thinking he's sacrificed "enough", but I also understand him feeling he's sacrificed all he's willing to sacrifice. I understand you feeling you sacrificed all you are willing to sacrifice. If he's unwilling to move, it's basically a matter of take it or leave it. Honestly, I think he's making the right choice. Sacrificing a career for this marriage seems downright irrational from the outside. You're not necessarily being punished. It's just not a good life decision. 1
tired girl Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 ^^^^I think this could be it right here. He thinks he has sacrificed enough. I don't think he views it 2 vs 1 the way you do. I think he views it PA vs EA. You screwed someone, he didn't.
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