underpants Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 he doesn't respect you. what's stopping you from moving by yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 I have a big support network here, it's a very pleasant place to live, a couple kids here... But I will if I need to. He would say he has triggers too and they can be as bad as seeing the other person but we'd be giving up too much if we moved so he wants to stay to make the best of it. Also, he feels he's already sacrificed. he has said if I push for a move he might feel resentful - and THAT is a sign of a non-remorseful spouse. What's gonna happen is I will see one, I will gently sit him down and say I won't take it anymore and I've expressed myself about the situation so many times. Then I'll leave and he'll say, "ok, we can move." Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 I have a big support network here, it's a very pleasant place to live, a couple kids here... But I will if I need to. He would say he has triggers too and they can be as bad as seeing the other person but we'd be giving up too much if we moved so he wants to stay to make the best of it. Also, he feels he's already sacrificed. he has said if I push for a move he might feel resentful - and THAT is a sign of a non-remorseful spouse. What's gonna happen is I will see one, I will gently sit him down and say I won't take it anymore and I've expressed myself about the situation so many times. Then I'll leave and he'll say, "ok, we can move." I don't think he will be resentful for some time, or at least not show it. The reason why is because in his head he knows he wouldn't have done that if you hadn't cheated first. I know this because that is what my STBXW tells me. That I pushed her too it, and it's what bothers me the most, but I realize that if I had not done what I did we wouldn't be where we are. Now, let's me be clear the decision to cheat is on her as the decision to cheat is on your H. So they could have decided to D and the same, we wouldn't be here if we had not done what we did either. Right? The thing is, they might feel they let down themselves by sleeping with someone else, and in my case my W might feel somewhat as if she failed her own values, but not remorse or sorry for hurting me. In any case she might feel angry towards me as she probably feels it is all my fault. I'm sure your H feels that this is all your fault. Has this been brought up in counseling? How long ago was his A? Was yours back in 2010? If so it's been long enough already! Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Katie, I don't remember this from your back story, what did you sacrifice as a consequence of your affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 His were two years ago. My consequences? He hasn't asked me to give up anything. But I think my karma has been pretty severe. If my AP lived here not sure... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Oh jeesh, the Karma thing again..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 Sorry Tara, guess I should say the "consequences" of my affair was him having two! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It supports the need to move away after an affair. While I understand this, it is not always practical - especially if you have aging parents that need care. Not all of us can just up and move. Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Do you think it ever bothers him that you slept with your AP while he did not sleep with his? Has he ever compared it to you? Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 What's gonna happen is I will see one, I will gently sit him down and say I won't take it anymore and I've expressed myself about the situation so many times. Then I'll leave and he'll say, "ok, we can move." You think? Okay, I dare you. You won't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 Do you think it ever bothers him that you slept with your AP while he did not sleep with his? Has he ever compared it to you? He has maybe said this once, at least a year ago. But not recently so not sure if he still feels that way. I'm not 100% sure he didn't sleep with them, just going on what he told me. Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 He has maybe said this once, at least a year ago. But not recently so not sure if he still feels that way. I'm not 100% sure he didn't sleep with them, just going on what he told me. What made you end your A. Did you fall in "love" with your AP? I ask because I'm just curious as to why your situation is taking so long for both of you to get over. Also, if you did feel strongly for this OM I would imagine you wouldn't feel so upset about your H engaging with these OW. What did he say he felt for his APs? Was it just for revenge, validation or vindication. Perhaps to feel he is still attractive to OW? As you already posted and are aware of, men's egos are destroyed by affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I'm not 100% sure he didn't sleep with them, just going on what he told me. Since you know who they are and see them, why don't you kindly ask them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 I ended it because we had way crossed the line and I needed to get myself back to my husband, the man I really loved and I knew this deep down, if he would have me. Yes I understand how ppls egos are destroyed by their spouses affairs. I think my husband sought out being wanted. I feel unwanted but I have no right to do that, but I understand how ppl get to that point, hence the first paragraph of my note. Why don't I ask them? Would they tell me the truth? They're both liars. Might not even be with these women, as far as I know...,if it happened.. However, if a person "really" wanted to get even, wouldn't they go all the way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 4 big things happened. It's going to take us a long time to get over it, if we do. It'll be more like living with it I think. Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I ended it because we had way crossed the line and I needed to get myself back to my husband, the man I really loved and I knew this deep down, if he would have me. Yes I understand how ppls egos are destroyed by their spouses affairs. I think my husband sought out being wanted. I feel unwanted but I have no right to do that, but I understand how ppl get to that point, hence the first paragraph of my note. Why don't I ask them? Would they tell me the truth? They're both liars. Might not even be with these women, as far as I know...,if it happened.. However, if a person "really" wanted to get even, wouldn't they go all the way? People make out all the time and intercourse doesn't have to happen. It all depends on the circumstances. If they were involved for sometime as you said perhaps he did, but to ashamed to tell you. Not only that, he doesn't want to lose you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 but to ashamed to tell you. Not only that, he doesn't want to lose you. and all those reasons are him putting himself first. i am worthy of the truth, from HIS mouth. Anything else is manipulating me to stay with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 and all those reasons are him putting himself first. i am worthy of the truth, from HIS mouth. Anything else is manipulating me to stay with him. I think you're finding your voice, katiee. Keep it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 His were two years ago. My consequences? He hasn't asked me to give up anything. But I think my karma has been pretty severe. If my AP lived here not sure... The reason I asked is, that if you make/ask him to sacrifice his professional life, his business, his social network because of his EAs, and you sacrificed nothing as a consequence of your PA, he might recent you for it. I think I would. But if this is how you feel about it, I think it's right to tell it to him so at least he knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 Zen, my sacrifice has essentially giving him a freebie - not two of them though. And staying with him after two affairs, and yes they were physical. That's all ill sacrifice. Nothing more. Would anybody else be able to see their partners two APs on occasion? Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Zen, my sacrifice has essentially giving him a freebie - not two of them though. And staying with him after two affairs, and yes they were physical. That's all ill sacrifice. Nothing more. Would anybody else be able to see their partners two APs on occasion? I think I have expressed that yes - there is always the possibility I can run into his ap and I did recently. Awkward - yes - it was a weird exchange - she saw me first and said hi how are you doing and I said very well thank you and we kept moving. Running into my ap? I used to pass him in his car more frequently the first year or two and ran into him and his family one time at a local establishment - no exchange of words or anything but I know it was very uncomfortable for him. After that point they sold their boat and I don't think they are hardly out here anymore. It was odd running into my husbands xmow - I didn't know her well, but I knew her. I felt some sympathy for her - some compassion - very strange. I felt like she had fallen in love with my husband and my husband chose me. I guess for the most part I try to put it out of my mind and keep going. There are not many of us that can up and move away because We have obligations and we have family, etc. This, unfortunately, is part of the consequence. I think it can be overcome though. Katie - I think you have to voice your concerns for certain but I also think time will take care of much of this... Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Zen, my sacrifice has essentially giving him a freebie - not two of them though. And staying with him after two affairs, and yes they were physical. That's all ill sacrifice. Nothing more. Would anybody else be able to see their partners two APs on occasion? I think I'm not explaining my thought well enough, and maybe I don't understand the dynamic of affairs as a consequence of affairs either. Let me try another way. You had an affair. He suffered. He had affairs. You suffered. All things equal, you're now "even". Now you want him to sacrifice his professional life as a consequence -> he gets to suffer again. I'm not saying that you have to sacrifice more, or that one thing is worse than the other, or that the one of you is more in the right than the other, just trying to point out a possible backdraw in your claim, based solely on how I imagine I would feel, given what I've read about your situation only. Maybe you could just ask if this thought has any bearing at all. I just think it would be wise to adress it to avoid further resentment and agree on how to handle the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 Thanks lilmiss - today is the 2nd anniversary of my first dday. So it's been two two years now. He does know how I feel about it. But, I can make a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Thanks lilmiss - today is the 2nd anniversary of my first dday. So it's been two two years now. He does know how I feel about it. But, I can make a decision. How long for his? I am four years past my dday and just a little over two years since his. I have to say again - it takes time and a lot of it. I suppose you have to figure out what your can tolerate, but I think Zen has some very valid points here. Listen carefully. Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I think she said 2 years Link to post Share on other sites
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