RedRobin Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Ok, so a few of you know that I've stuck my toe back in the OLD world again. After exchanging a few emails and talking on the phone with one guy, we agreed to meet last week. We had a great time... did some snowshoeing and outdoor ice skating, then hung out at the local Starbucks afterward and picked up a quick bite to eat at Wendy's. My ideal first meeting is doing something fun and active like the above. Note, it's free... plus being active is important to me. These are guys who also claim to be active too, so it shouldn't be a big deal. So here is my question, or dilemma as it were. I suggested we go do something active again for our second meeting. Ok, I'll call it a date now... and he seemed reluctant. Said he really wanted to sit down and have a deeper conversation. Keep in mind, we've talked on the phone three times now in less than two weeks. Each time was 2-3 hours. We've talked TONS. Each time, he asks me lots of questions, but doesn't volunteer much. I ask him questions, and he quickly changes it back to me. I'm not opposed to doing things that facilitate conversation AT ALL... I'd just like to have those conversations in an atmosphere or style that feels less like a gestapo session... more natural, like you would if you met someone out and about. I've had a number of times when the guy insists on a coffee meeting instead... and seems to be off about sharing an activity, even when it is something he claims to enjoy. So what is the deal? Why would a guy insist on a coffee meeting instead of doing something fun? Especially when it is free? Heck, even if the person wasn't what you'd expected, at least you did something fun that day.
clia Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I'm not a guy, but I'll give you my perspective. I am an active person and really enjoy outdoor activities like running, walking, skiing, ice skating, etc. That said, when I was online dating, I didn't particularly enjoy doing these types of activities on an early date. There are a few reasons why: 1. I don't feel like doing these types of things provides a great scenario to talk and get to know a person. For early dates, I want to get to know a man's character, not how athletic he is. 2. I don't like getting all sweaty around a guy who I am just getting to know. 3. I worry about feeling embarrassed if I fall or wipe out. 4. I find "decision points" during a first date to be awkward. To me, it's easier to just say "Okay, let's meet at X restaurant and eat dinner" or "let's meet at X for coffee" or "Let's meet at X for a drink." We have a place and activity planned. But with more active things, I find that sometimes there are more decision points. If we decide to, say, go for a walk, that creates a lot of decision points. Where are we walking to? Should we turn left or right? Gee, we've walked a few miles. Should we stop and get a drink? Are you hungry? Shoot, now I have to go to the bathroom. Where can I go to the bathroom? Etc... I find that to be awkward sometimes with a new person. I find it much less stressful to settle in at a coffee shop, bar, or restaurant. There I know that time is limited to the length of our meal or drink (unless we both want to extend), I know there is a bathroom nearby, etc. It's discrete. 5. Since you are just getting to know a person during the early dates, sometimes doing an activity results in too long of a date. While I love going to a zoo or a museum and think they are great date activities, those types of things can stretch into a 3-4 hour date. If you realize you don't care for your date it can make for a pretty miserable experience. 9
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Because there isn't a lot of romantic progress in a fun-outdoorsy adventure for many men, it's not their element with women. This guy wants to get cerebral with you and wants to have more "deep" and integral conversation which might kick start the romantic intimacy...on at least some level. You seem like you're in the phase of just getting to know each other, but he probably feels he's establishing that much over the phone...however now he wants to get to "know you", which means basically sitting down and having an engaging conversation...but he's not sharing as much as he's listening, he's just kind of figuring you out and seeing what makes you tick. Most guys aren't looking for a fellow hobbyist, they might say those things to engage or attract women but most men do those on their own time with their own friends...they don't necessarily need anything more than the occasional outdoors activity with them, if they actually regularly do them in the first place...most people tend to exaggerate their activity level and the ones who do seem to be more active say nothing at all unless questioned about it. So it's not about the money at this point, the guy wants to be in an element where he knows he can make an impression with you. With all the talking you've been doing I don't get a lot of sense of any strong chemistry and from my view he's just trying to gain some control over this dynamic and personally with what little is here mind you...I'm suspicious of his game, it's not transparent. I believe he may be systematic about the way he does things with women.
organizedchaos Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Ok, so a few of you know that I've stuck my toe back in the OLD world again. After exchanging a few emails and talking on the phone with one guy, we agreed to meet last week. We had a great time... did some snowshoeing and outdoor ice skating, then hung out at the local Starbucks afterward and picked up a quick bite to eat at Wendy's. My ideal first meeting is doing something fun and active like the above. Note, it's free... plus being active is important to me. These are guys who also claim to be active too, so it shouldn't be a big deal. So here is my question, or dilemma as it were. I suggested we go do something active again for our second meeting. Ok, I'll call it a date now... and he seemed reluctant. Said he really wanted to sit down and have a deeper conversation. Keep in mind, we've talked on the phone three times now in less than two weeks. Each time was 2-3 hours. We've talked TONS. Each time, he asks me lots of questions, but doesn't volunteer much. I ask him questions, and he quickly changes it back to me. I'm not opposed to doing things that facilitate conversation AT ALL... I'd just like to have those conversations in an atmosphere or style that feels less like a gestapo session... more natural, like you would if you met someone out and about. I've had a number of times when the guy insists on a coffee meeting instead... and seems to be off about sharing an activity, even when it is something he claims to enjoy. So what is the deal? Why would a guy insist on a coffee meeting instead of doing something fun? Especially when it is free? Heck, even if the person wasn't what you'd expected, at least you did something fun that day. Mix it up. Every date doesn't have to be an activity. You did an activity on the first date, meet him for coffee on the second. Every date doesn't has to be some sort of adventure. Might make some men think you need to be entertained all the time. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 It sounds to me like you're really grabbing this getting to know you bit by the horns. That's fine - but shouldn't you both have some input on how you spend your time together? Doing an activity can be fun with almost anyone who participates. Looking eye to eye and having an interesting conversation, observing the subtleties of body language and communication - this gives you another, more personal dimension. 4
nescafe1982 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Yeah, it sounds to me like he wants to have a closer, more social encounter. It's good to mix it up... embrace it. 2
Author RedRobin Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Because there isn't a lot of romantic progress in a fun-outdoorsy adventure for many men, it's not their element with women. Yes, let's define romantic progress lol. I'm not really concerned with them making progress that way. I'm more interested in seeing how he does things and reacts to things. You know better than most, dearest Ninja, how easy it is to schmooze talk across a table. I'm done with doing THAT dance with a total stranger. Not a fan of instant intimacy or attempts at such. This guy wants to get cerebral with you and wants to have more "deep" and integral conversation which might kick start the romantic intimacy...on at least some level. you mean physical intimacy? I'm aware that there is a big push for that early, yes, and trying to 'swoon' me with deep meaningful conversations doesn't work. I'm a show me girl and he seems reluctant to show me. You seem like you're in the phase of just getting to know each other, but he probably feels he's establishing that much over the phone...however now he wants to get to "know you", which means basically sitting down and having an engaging conversation...but he's not sharing as much as he's listening, he's just kind of figuring you out and seeing what makes you tick.. Right... more like listening and crafting his message to suit the intended audience... For some reason, it just doesn't feel all that authentic. Most guys aren't looking for a fellow hobbyist, they might say those things to engage or attract women but most men do those on their own time with their own friends...they don't necessarily need anything more than the occasional outdoors activity with them, if they actually regularly do them in the first place...most people tend to exaggerate their activity level and the ones who do seem to be more active say nothing at all unless questioned about it.. That's a shame, because that's one of the main things I'm looking for in a relationship. Someone to do fun things with. If all I want is sex, I can do a ONS or pick up a FWB anytime. Especially the guys around here. That's all they want to do, really. Pretty boring. I think this is what I'm trying to avoid. I've had more than one guy claim to do interesting stuff, but I'll be damned if he ever did those things with me.... ever. Even now, he still keeps calling me, and I say something along the lines of "yea, let's go do yoga sometime" (something he claimed to enjoy). Of course, he suggests coming over to sit in front of my fireplace. Um. No. So it's not about the money at this point, the guy wants to be in an element where he knows he can make an impression with you. If he hadn't made an impression, I wouldn't agree to see him again or talk on the phone all that long. With all the talking you've been doing I don't get a lot of sense of any strong chemistry and from my view he's just trying to gain some control over this dynamic and personally with what little is here mind you...I'm suspicious of his game, it's not transparent. I believe he may be systematic about the way he does things with women. I don't get carried away by strong chemistry. We'd be going down this same path regardless because I'm not doing the 3-4 date tango that seems to be the norm in OLD. I did say that in my profile... that I need to get to know a guy for awhile before making a romantic decision... it's not like he hasn't been warned. I'm getting a little suspicious too. Something feels off.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I'm getting a little suspicious too. Something feels off. Your intuition is probably right. I like to be active with my man, too, and the ones who were on the same wavelength there pretty much never turned down an invitation to do something active or sporty, at any point in dating. 1
Author RedRobin Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) It sounds to me like you're really grabbing this getting to know you bit by the horns. That's fine - but shouldn't you both have some input on how you spend your time together? Doing an activity can be fun with almost anyone who participates. Looking eye to eye and having an interesting conversation, observing the subtleties of body language and communication - this gives you another, more personal dimension. Here's the thing. I can have an interesting conversation with just about anyone. Maybe because that part is so easy for me, I'd rather do something that is 'hard'... as in, them proving they are who they say they are... and like what they say they like. Mix it up. Every date doesn't have to be an activity. You did an activity on the first date, meet him for coffee on the second. Every date doesn't has to be some sort of adventure. Might make some men think you need to be entertained all the time. I probably will, and I don't necessarily need an adventure. OTOH... I am pretty adventurous. It is important to me that he has that side to him. Yeah, it sounds to me like he wants to have a closer, more social encounter. It's good to mix it up... embrace it. Maybe I'm just not thrilled with having a closer encounter and being obliged to move things along romantically with someone I just met. It doesn't feel romantic to me. It feels forced. Even mechanical. Edited January 10, 2014 by RedRobin
Author RedRobin Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 I wanted to say, thank you everyone for the input. I'm feeling fussy and weird. Want to apologize if my tone sounds abrupt and blunt. It's not you. I'm just annoyed at OLD a little.
Shepp Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Can't you meet in the middle? Have a conversational date somewhere less formal, like fish n' chips in the park or something?
Author RedRobin Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 This is really interesting! Gave me a different perspective on things... I'm not a guy, but I'll give you my perspective. I am an active person and really enjoy outdoor activities like running, walking, skiing, ice skating, etc. That said, when I was online dating, I didn't particularly enjoy doing these types of activities on an early date. There are a few reasons why: 1. I don't feel like doing these types of things provides a great scenario to talk and get to know a person. For early dates, I want to get to know a man's character, not how athletic he is. I haven't found that having lots of conversations early on shows me his character. Doing activities shows me sides they can hide when just having discussions. 2. I don't like getting all sweaty around a guy who I am just getting to know. oh, I do! Even better if they get a little sweaty. A man's natural smell is my main indicator of physical chemistry. Plus, he needs to see me in my more natural state early on. 3. I worry about feeling embarrassed if I fall or wipe out. Understandable. If I fall or wipe out, I'd be seeing how he managed it though. Not that I'd ever do it intentionally. Just sayin' 4. I find "decision points" during a first date to be awkward. To me, it's easier to just say "Okay, let's meet at X restaurant and eat dinner" or "let's meet at X for coffee" or "Let's meet at X for a drink." We have a place and activity planned. But with more active things, I find that sometimes there are more decision points. If we decide to, say, go for a walk, that creates a lot of decision points. Where are we walking to? Should we turn left or right? Gee, we've walked a few miles. Should we stop and get a drink? Are you hungry? Shoot, now I have to go to the bathroom. Where can I go to the bathroom? Etc... I find that to be awkward sometimes with a new person. I find it much less stressful to settle in at a coffee shop, bar, or restaurant. There I know that time is limited to the length of our meal or drink (unless we both want to extend), I know there is a bathroom nearby, etc. It's discrete. Yes, this can be awkward. At the same time, I'm looking for a guy who can negotiate a little. Having some decision points opens up opportunities for discussion and more opportunities for both of us to show our real character. 5. Since you are just getting to know a person during the early dates, sometimes doing an activity results in too long of a date. While I love going to a zoo or a museum and think they are great date activities, those types of things can stretch into a 3-4 hour date. If you realize you don't care for your date it can make for a pretty miserable experience. THIS I understand. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I'm just annoyed at OLD a little. Well, I'm glad to see you dating - it's inspiring me a little A good friend of mine recently insisted I throw up an OLD profile again, since a friend of hers insisted she create one. I don't seem to be ready for dating again after my breakup 3 months ago, as I'm being super picky and not feeling excited to go out with anybody yet - and making zero effort to meet men in general. Still, it's good to be reminded there are other guys out there. 1
Author RedRobin Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Can't you meet in the middle? Have a conversational date somewhere less formal, like fish n' chips in the park or something? I wish. Winter in my neck of the woods is not everyone's cup of tea Although, I AM glad to have started the OLD thing now. At least I'll find out which ones are more likely to hibernate indoors vs ones who are enjoying the outdoors year around. 1
Author RedRobin Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Well, I'm glad to see you dating - it's inspiring me a little A good friend of mine recently insisted I throw up an OLD profile again, since a friend of hers insisted she create one. I don't seem to be ready for dating again after my breakup 3 months ago, as I'm being super picky and not feeling excited to go out with anybody yet - and making zero effort to meet men in general. Still, it's good to be reminded there are other guys out there. I'm using a paid site (Match) Don't think I'll go back to OkC, even though I really like their questions. I definitely have talked to a much more decent bunch of guys on Match. I've also forced myself to do at least 2-4 activities per month with my hiking and running group. Signed up for the weekly interval training sessions with my running group... and the high peaks climbs. Even if I don't directly meet someone there, it's a good way to expand one's social circle. I read about your breakup. Very sorry to hear about that 2
carhill Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I've had a number of times when the guy insists on a coffee meeting instead... and seems to be off about sharing an activity, even when it is something he claims to enjoy. Activities generally involve substantial time/preparation/involvement, hence, while enjoyable, they are more likely to be preferred with people with whom one has established rapport over time, not as a first meeting. An activity which can be spontaneous and easily terminated, less so. As an example, if things didn't work out at the ice skating rink, you or he could have easily taken up with other people you met there. No harm, no foul. So what is the deal? Why would a guy insist on a coffee meeting instead of doing something fun? Getting to know a stranger, especially as a man who generally either does pursue or has pursued hundreds to thousands in his lifetime, men know the drill. He puts himself out there as being attracted to the woman by contacting her. She chooses to either meet him or not and decides at that meeting whether his interest is worthy of her reciprocation and/or she is interested. After doing this hundreds to thousands of times, or even a dozen, for those lucky few amongst us who gain a LTR out of each first meeting, making that effort to plan and 'care' for essentially a stranger, even if only situationally, over time, is wearing. Now, I used to be an 'activities' guy. I hated 'buy you dinner?' dates. That continued pretty much unabated from about age 19 through about age 34. At that point, I became worn out. Walks in the river park, trips to the zoo, cruises with the car club, miniature golf, bicycle rides, picnics, etc, etc. It was at about age 34 that I ended the era of my wildflower field for bouquets and baking personal treats as gifts. I started to care less. 15 years of a woman never planning a date and meeting after meeting that went nowhere finally got to me. At this point in life, having been married and divorced, I can't even muster the energy to think creatively about that anymore. Why bother? Now I'm exactly like the young ladies were when I was age 19. Are things still like that today for the young people? IDK. No interest in having a time machine to go back and see.
MissBee Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) Ok, so a few of you know that I've stuck my toe back in the OLD world again. After exchanging a few emails and talking on the phone with one guy, we agreed to meet last week. We had a great time... did some snowshoeing and outdoor ice skating, then hung out at the local Starbucks afterward and picked up a quick bite to eat at Wendy's. My ideal first meeting is doing something fun and active like the above. Note, it's free... plus being active is important to me. These are guys who also claim to be active too, so it shouldn't be a big deal. So here is my question, or dilemma as it were. I suggested we go do something active again for our second meeting. Ok, I'll call it a date now... and he seemed reluctant. Said he really wanted to sit down and have a deeper conversation. Keep in mind, we've talked on the phone three times now in less than two weeks. Each time was 2-3 hours. We've talked TONS. Each time, he asks me lots of questions, but doesn't volunteer much. I ask him questions, and he quickly changes it back to me. I'm not opposed to doing things that facilitate conversation AT ALL... I'd just like to have those conversations in an atmosphere or style that feels less like a gestapo session... more natural, like you would if you met someone out and about. I've had a number of times when the guy insists on a coffee meeting instead... and seems to be off about sharing an activity, even when it is something he claims to enjoy. So what is the deal? Why would a guy insist on a coffee meeting instead of doing something fun? Especially when it is free? Heck, even if the person wasn't what you'd expected, at least you did something fun that day. I am not a guy, but I'll chime in as well: maybe to some people it comes off as you just want a distraction by having a very involved other activity and they would prefer to not have all that going on to just sit down and chat. Especially if you already did the activity thing the first time. I wouldn't try to do that back to back personally. I think for the first meeting it makes sense, but if that was okay, I would actually prefer to have something a lot more chill the second time around. I don't want to feel like I'm on a play date all the time. Activity dates are cool because they can be less awkward because you have another activity you're also concentrating on that can make any awkward silences not so obvious. I think it is easier to have fun on an activity date but still not know if you're actually connecting romantically and not just "I had fun with him/her because the activity is fun." I don't think the test of a date having potential for more is if you can have fun doing a fun activity, but can you have fun just sitting down to eat as well, which is harder. If a date having dinner or coffee feels like a gestapo session maybe you aren't a match? I've only ever felt that way when I DON'T like the man and if it feels that way suffice it to say we never see each other again. But if I like them and we're actually clicking, it is fun, filled with laughs, conversation and usually we end up spending a long time together or moving the dinner to a walk, to getting ice cream and just wanting more time. So maybe that's something to consider. Edited January 10, 2014 by MissBee 1
Author RedRobin Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Thanks Carhill, I feel almost as worn out. One thing I sensed in his phone call last night was how anxious he sounded. I did my best to reassure him that I'm in no rush. I'm not lining up lots of dates with other guys and we can afford to take our time a little. That was also my sense. That he's trying really hard. Maybe that's why it doesn't feel authentic. He's nervous.
Shepp Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I wish. Winter in my neck of the woods is not everyone's cup of tea Although, I AM glad to have started the OLD thing now. At least I'll find out which ones are more likely to hibernate indoors vs ones who are enjoying the outdoors year around. True, i forget not everyone has the same adversion to saying indoors i do Tell him to buy a jumper and man up haha nah, if he wants a sit down date then go with the flow - but you pick the venue. Then you can pick somewhere more comfortable. 2
Author RedRobin Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 I am not a guy, but I'll chime in as well: maybe to some people it comes off as you just want a distraction by having a very involved other activity and they would prefer to not have all that going on to just sit down and chat. Especially if you already did the activity thing the first time. I wouldn't try to do that back to back personally. I think for the first meeting it makes sense, but if that was okay, I would actually prefer to have something a lot more chill the second time around. I don't want to feel like I'm on a play date all the time. Activity dates are cool because they can be less awkward because you have another activity you're also concentrating on that can make any awkward silences not so obvious. I think it is easier to have fun on an activity date but still not know if you're actually connecting romantically and not just "I had fun with him/her because the activity is fun." I don't think the test of a date having potential for more is if you can have fun doing a fun activity, but can you have fun just sitting down to eat as well, which is harder. If a date having dinner or coffee feels like a gestapo session maybe you aren't a match? I've only ever felt that way when I DON'T like the man and if it feels that way suffice it to say we never see each other again. But if I like them and we're actually clicking, it is fun, filled with laughs, conversation and usually we end up spending a long time together or moving the dinner to a walk, to getting ice cream and just wanting more time. So maybe that's something to consider. I'll admit that I get that gestapo feeling a lot since my time in the public eye years ago. Long story, but I used to do a lot of community work... all positive but sometimes controversial... that made me very averse to lots of questions and digging into my private life. I've since dropped those pursuits... as I realize I'm not really cut out for that kind of thing. What lingers is my caution and being a bit guarded with new people. All things considered, I think it was a good thing that I learned not to wear my heart on my sleeve so much. Still, I can't really turn off this other feeling... of not wanting to be obliged to share so much so soon. No matter who it is. You make some good points though. I will consider it
carhill Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 OP, if the man knows you through your social circle, meaning he knows your 'style' of socializing with men in a verifiable way, I would then put the impetus for any anxiety demonstrated squarely upon him as a personality issue, potentially incompatible. However, if you are an unknown, it is possible, and likely, he is projecting his personal experiences and results of dealing with those experiences upon you, having nothing to do with you personally. Ergo, even if coming across as inauthentic, it's entirely possible that his demonstrated anxiousness is relative to his usual and customary interactions with 'women like you', for lack of a better description. He may not be delineating by person, taking each person as an individual. IME, the more 'baggage' one has, the more likely this will occur. I saw such in myself after getting divorced. IMO, it's not particularly healthy but it is there. The difficult part, when sensing such anxieties in another, is delineating whether it is coming from a relatively healthy place (they like me so they're a bit nervous) or an unhealthy place (unresolved baggage from past experiences). IMO, only time and communication and 'more activities' which allow for some intimacy and personal communication will resolve it clearly. I've found, personally, that 'owning' a booth at a quiet place with good food, ordering up some mutually desired adult beverages and 'talking' for awhile gives a really good indicator of each person's perspective, and style. For the young, perhaps all the back and forth and intrigue is interesting; at my age, I'd prefer to not waste any time on mysteries with people who may be incompatible. Get to it and move on. If we have synergy, I've got a lifetime of activities to expose them to, and hopefully vice versa. 2
Fondue Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I'm not a guy, but I'll give you my perspective. I am an active person and really enjoy outdoor activities like running, walking, skiing, ice skating, etc. That said, when I was online dating, I didn't particularly enjoy doing these types of activities on an early date. There are a few reasons why: 1. I don't feel like doing these types of things provides a great scenario to talk and get to know a person. For early dates, I want to get to know a man's character, not how athletic he is. 2. I don't like getting all sweaty around a guy who I am just getting to know. 3. I worry about feeling embarrassed if I fall or wipe out. 4. I find "decision points" during a first date to be awkward. To me, it's easier to just say "Okay, let's meet at X restaurant and eat dinner" or "let's meet at X for coffee" or "Let's meet at X for a drink." We have a place and activity planned. But with more active things, I find that sometimes there are more decision points. If we decide to, say, go for a walk, that creates a lot of decision points. Where are we walking to? Should we turn left or right? Gee, we've walked a few miles. Should we stop and get a drink? Are you hungry? Shoot, now I have to go to the bathroom. Where can I go to the bathroom? Etc... I find that to be awkward sometimes with a new person. I find it much less stressful to settle in at a coffee shop, bar, or restaurant. There I know that time is limited to the length of our meal or drink (unless we both want to extend), I know there is a bathroom nearby, etc. It's discrete. 5. Since you are just getting to know a person during the early dates, sometimes doing an activity results in too long of a date. While I love going to a zoo or a museum and think they are great date activities, those types of things can stretch into a 3-4 hour date. If you realize you don't care for your date it can make for a pretty miserable experience. I find myself on the complete opposite side of the spectrum that this philosophy of dating. I feel like it is very important to have the first few dates be activities as opposed to dinner/coffee/beer type things. Those "sitdown" dates are wayyy too formal, and it is quite easy to have awkward pauses, moments, or be lead into a dull conversation. It's also a bit of an interview, which is never fun. Activity dates give you a reason to be there, and you're there to participate in whatever is arranged, WHILE spending time with that person. It's a much more relaxed scenario, and there is much more opportunity to goof off and have fun. Also a better time to escalate physically (touching and what not). It is more comfortable, I find. The most important aspect of an activity date is to have fun. In the end, I want to date a person whom I enjoy spending time with. What better time to find that out than in the beginning? Sitdown dates are wayyy too much pressure. 2
MissBee Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I'll admit that I get that gestapo feeling a lot since my time in the public eye years ago. Long story, but I used to do a lot of community work... all positive but sometimes controversial... that made me very averse to lots of questions and digging into my private life. I've since dropped those pursuits... as I realize I'm not really cut out for that kind of thing. What lingers is my caution and being a bit guarded with new people. All things considered, I think it was a good thing that I learned not to wear my heart on my sleeve so much. Still, I can't really turn off this other feeling... of not wanting to be obliged to share so much so soon. No matter who it is. You make some good points though. I will consider it I don't think sitting down to eat and talk means automatic dig into private life. What have you guys spoken about for 2-3 hours on the phone each time? Nothing personal? Just idle conversation? You should have developed some level of comfort speaking to each other if you're having 3 hour phone convos. Therefore, having those same convos face to face doesn't seem like an odd turn. Maybe for him it feels weird that you spend hours on the phone then in person don't want to see if you can have that same vibe? But more importantly as others have said, dating has to be two ways. It can't just be what you want. You guys already did what you wanted the first time, so I think you should oblige him this time around. You've already been speaking for long periods of time on the phone, which is even more involved so what do you think the difference will be?
MissBee Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I find myself on the complete opposite side of the spectrum that this philosophy of dating. I feel like it is very important to have the first few dates be activities as opposed to dinner/coffee/beer type things. Those "sitdown" dates are wayyy too formal, and it is quite easy to have awkward pauses, moments, or be lead into a dull conversation. It's also a bit of an interview, which is never fun. Activity dates give you a reason to be there, and you're there to participate in whatever is arranged, WHILE spending time with that person. It's a much more relaxed scenario, and there is much more opportunity to goof off and have fun. Also a better time to escalate physically (touching and what not). It is more comfortable, I find. The most important aspect of an activity date is to have fun. In the end, I want to date a person whom I enjoy spending time with. What better time to find that out than in the beginning? Sitdown dates are wayyy too much pressure. I get this and would agree except to say that, if you have already been speaking for hours on the phone and you have already had an activity date, aren't you comfortable enough for dinner? Maybe I'm too quick to judge my compatibility or rather lack thereof, but for me, if we've been speaking on the phone and already went on one activity date, I can tell or should be able to already know if I feel comfortable with you. I don't think I'd need 3, 4, 5 more of those to then be able to sit down with you and have it not be awkward. I guess I'm curious about what's a right number of dates before it can be a sit down date? Or rather that you'd feel comfortable with that?
Fondue Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I get this and would agree except to say that, if you have already been speaking for hours on the phone and you have already had an activity date, aren't you comfortable enough for dinner? Maybe I'm too quick to judge my compatibility or rather lack thereof, but for me, if we've been speaking on the phone and already went on one activity date, I can tell or should be able to already know if I feel comfortable with you. I don't think I'd need 3, 4, 5 more of those to then be able to sit down with you and have it not be awkward. I guess I'm curious about what's a right number of dates before it can be a sit down date? Or rather that you'd feel comfortable with that? I don't think there is a set number of dates, it's about comfort level. I, for one, am slow to get to that comfort level. I am VERY comfortable in an activity setting, great at sharing laughs, high fives, escalating physicality and making the environment fun for her and I... But when it comes to sitdown stuff, I am very slow at that. I am guessing many people are. It's a totally different environment. It is just YOU and THEM. And conversation. There is loss of control over a situation. You have to entertain her (let's be honest, men lead, right?) with your stories, if the conversation does not come natural. Sometimes it is difficult to find a topic that you're both so into that it flows naturally. Most of the time, one person is trying to keep it going, the other tries to be receptive, but may not adequately reply to keep things afloat well.
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