alittledesperate Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 If you are currently a dumpee, never ever in your life be a dumper. You know how it is. Let us make the world a less hurtful place. Except you are being beaten, sit down and work out your relationship. Don't ever be lazy like your ex!
Philosoraptor Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Never be a heartless dumper maybe. But one shouldn't stay in a relationship they are unhappy with. Not everything can be talked out. Make a vow to be respectful if you have to end a relationship, is probably a better goal. 14
Never Again Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) Never be a heartless dumper maybe. But one shouldn't stay in a relationship they are unhappy with. Not everything can be talked out. Make a vow to be respectful if you have to end a relationship, is probably a better goal. I'll land here and agree with the deinonychus. No relationship will ever make you happy 100% of the time, and the vulnerability you need to have in them means that sometimes...sometimes they'll make you miserable. But these should be very temporary stops that lead to growth, not a mire that makes up most of the relationship. I do believe that most issues, barring blatant incompatibility or serious things like abuse/neglect/cheating, CAN be resolved with effort and communication. However, it's not always worth it. Knowing when to try and when to let go can be tricky. I'm a huge proponent of communicating and trying at least once before cutting it off, but I also don't believe that anyone should stay in a relationship that's constantly unfulfilling. The best you can do is try to be mature, respectful and empathetic when being a dumper. I always say try first, especially if the issue is as mundane as a lack of communication, intimacy, affection, passion, or if you don't feel the "spark" of attraction...as there's at least a possibility of solving these things. But if they do not change, respectfully end the relationship for the sake of both parties. Edited January 10, 2014 by Pfenixphire 4
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Never is a long time. At some point some relationships will stop working. Most people are not married to the 1st person they ever dated. If effort will fix the relationship, of course work on it but if you are simply done, it's OK to end it. Be nice not mean when you do but nobody should stay in a unfulfilling relationship. alittledesperate -- if you truly cared about your EX how could you want that person to stay in a relationship that made them unhappy or unfulfilled? That's not fair either.
Fufu Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Hard to say never. as there some deal breakers in relationship. I choose to be conscience-free in a relationship. I do my best in a relationship and if it doesn't work out. I have nothing to regret. 2
radiodarcy Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Never be a heartless dumper maybe. But one shouldn't stay in a relationship they are unhappy with. Not everything can be talked out. Make a vow to be respectful if you have to end a relationship, is probably a better goal. Agreed. Granted my ex dumped me in an extremely cruel manner, I would have been insulted and far more upset if he had continued to stay in a relationship where he wasn't happy. If anything he did a a favor in dumping me as I'm much better off and happier without him. I would would rather be with someone who wants to be with me because we make each other happy. Not someone who is miserable and is merely "settling" to make me happy. 3
pickflicker Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Taking charge of your life, standing up for yourself, and walking away when it's necessary is a vital skill. Leaving a relationship when it's not working for you is a vital skill. I have been both dumper and dumpee, and I would not hesitate to walk away if my hard work in a relationship was not paying dividends. Life is too short to waste in an inadequate relationship. Be polite, be respectful, but never be afraid to walk away.
somedude81 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Never be a heartless dumper maybe. But one shouldn't stay in a relationship they are unhappy with. Not everything can be talked out. Make a vow to be respectful if you have to end a relationship, is probably a better goal. True not everything can be talked out. But an effort should at least be made. 1
Tryingtobegrateful Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 What about the feelings have changed? It is not something you can work out by communication? That's what my ex told me when he broke up with me...He realized his feelings have changed the day before and instantly he decided to break up without giving it a try...as if our relation was not valuable...that's what so hurting...
Aquanut Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Unless there are kids involved why should someone try to save a relationship that clearly isn't working? People end up wasting years in bad relationships. And for what? 1
Never Again Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Unless there are kids involved why should someone try to save a relationship that clearly isn't working? People end up wasting years in bad relationships. And for what? Why should kids suddenly make the difference? Why should they be subjected to an unhappy relationship? I'm sick of children being used as some sort of measuring stick for whether or not a relationship is worth working on. Either a relationship is worth working on or it isn't. If it's not, then the children are better of with divorced parents. You use the word "clearly" which is RARELY the case when relationships aren't working out...because who can say if the "rough patch" is temporary or permanent? If things were CLEAR, then dumpers would rarely need to take time to assess the situation before leaving. No offense, but I see this "why try" attitude way too often - and it's very often paired with colored logic of "wasting time". Unless there are dealbreakers present or the two people are clearly incompatible (or argue or are unhappy all the time), then nothing is "clear" and it's worth at least a modicum of communication and effort. I may be being very presumptuous, but the attitude put forth in your post is why many relationships fall apart - everyone wants to put in effort when things are great and the payout is obvious, but no one wants to try when things get real. Every relationship has pitfalls and times when things aren't paying out as well as they should. But when did relationships become the stock market? When did we start hitting SELL when the current value no longer equals the initial buy in? Sometimes things getting worse before they get better - the trick is to have faith that things CAN get better, to communicate and try to get them there, and have the resolve to leave if you're convinced they never could. I would never advocate for someone to stay in a failing relationship for years, but a healthy rule of thumb generally is: If you and your partner haven't both been giving it your all BUT you both want to, then it's worth a little more of your time - maybe a few weeks or so to see if things improve. 2
SameOldFear Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Well, personally my biggest problem with my ex who dumped me is he didn't give our relationship his all or even try to sort things out. I gave everything I had. Of course you can't expect everyone you meet to give you their all, but you would think that you could at least give someone you said you would love forever your all. So, focus on that. Give your partner all of your effort always and if that fails, then it's okay to leave.
pickflicker Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Well, personally my biggest problem with my ex who dumped me is he didn't give our relationship his all or even try to sort things out. I gave everything I had. Of course you can't expect everyone you meet to give you their all, but you would think that you could at least give someone you said you would love forever your all. So, focus on that. Give your partner all of your effort always and if that fails, then it's okay to leave. I think people who believe it when someone says they will love you forever, are partly to blame for their own feelings post break up. To promise someone you'll "love them forever" is a foolish promise, despite what wedding vies would have is believe. It's a nice idea, but ultimately, we love someone the best we can, and that might not necessarily be forever.
ponchsox Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 If a dumper dumps graciously and for the right reasons, I actually respect them for it. It's better than being dragged through a bad relationship. It still sucks being dumped, no matter what.
polynomial Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Eventhough it hurts like hell being dumped, you can't control other people's feelings and if they want out, they want out. Simple as that. And I'd hate it if someone stayed with me reluctantly so they could throw it in my face 20+ years later or suffer silently. No way, better dump me early on then!
Tryingtobegrateful Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 (edited) Eventhough it hurts like hell being dumped, you can't control other people's feelings and if they want out, they want out. Simple as that. And I'd hate it if someone stayed with me reluctantly so they could throw it in my face 20+ years later or suffer silently. No way, better dump me early on then! I accept the fact that they want out when their feelings have changed But what I still cannot comprehend is how the feelings could just be changed within a day and he be so certain of it.... that already he encouraged you to date other guys, taught you how to hit on guy ...couldn't he respect the fact that I still have strong feelings to him? or that he started talking about his past breakups, some which due to anger which came from FEELINGS, while no I dont even have those feeling for you. He was just perfectly calm as if talking about someone's else business Edited January 11, 2014 by Tryingtobegrateful
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