Would you go back to the marriage as it was after an affair?

[JamesM]

I read a thread with a good question and tagged my own to it, but that may have not been the best approach.....so I will start my own.

 

The question was "Was the affair worth it?"

 

Or as I always like to say...."is the pleasure worth the pain?" when I face decisions like affairs.

 

Now I ask an additional question.

 

Since you now have felt the pain of an affair breakup to you and your mate, would you simply go back to pre-affair days without making any changes as opposed to dealing with the fallout of your current situation? Or would you live as you were?

 

And if you would do things differently, what would they be?

 

I ask because it is easy to look back and want to eliminate the pain from the breakdown resulting from the affair, but the situation that led to the affair (whether it be personal failure or marital failure) would still be there. And if anything can come of your (those that read this) affair and failures, then it may be that your hindsight can prevent someone else from choosing an affair to solve their current problems. They may look at your advice and use it to stay out of an affair that is enticing them this very day.

 

So...would you change things or live with the "problems" that caused you to choose an affair?

[Fluttershy]

I was the BS. What I could change may or may not have changed the affair. That is all on him. But I would have been more "selfish". For a lack of a better word. I had become So wrapped up in my husband and kids I lost me. I stopped doing some of my activities I loved and I stopped having my own mind. I had no close friends when trouble hit because I had basically dropped them all. I believe people need friends now.

 

My husband wishes he could take it all back. And he says he wishes he hadn't lied to himself so much about his "friendship" being inappropriate.

[dichotomy]

We can't go back to things as they were - because what they were was not healthy or honest. Who she was - was not what I thought I married.

 

We are in a new normal and I do hope (think) it can that this new normal will get better.

 

My best fantasy is that we would return to what I thought was real (but it wasn't) if that makes any sense. Its a nice dream.

[BHsigh]

I would have to say yes, I would go back to the marriage as it was, even if it ended in divorce, rather than go through the pain of being a bs.

 

It annoys me to no end when I hear "my so's affair actually made our marriage better". I'm not saying that it's impossible for others of course, but to me it is, and I can't help but think that they are deluding themselves (just my reactionary thoughts of course).

 

To me, her affair was the final nail in the coffin for me as a person. I already had limited trust in people due to betrayals and hurts throughout my life, the affair just sealed the deal on why I can not and never will trust anyone ever again (friends were involved and knew about her affair while it was going on, even POSOM was supposedly my friend, blah blah blah).

 

Without some trust you cannot form real friendships or relationships, and I am ok with that, which is sad, even I recognize that. However, I would rather not deal with betrayals anymore, and much prefer being shut off from everyone rather than risking it ever again.

 

So no, and if I ever heard my wife say that the affair was worth it in any way, I would go off of the deep end, and I'm not even sure really.......

[whatatangledweb]

Yes, I would go back to the marriage we had. We got along great, rarely argued, spent all our free time together (he cheated while traveling for work). We had a good marriage, he says this also. It is why it was such a shock to me. His MLC had nothing to do with our marriage. He felt old. I guess he thought she had a time machine in her vajayjay.

[MuddyFootprints]

No. Neither of us would have. It was a disaster on all counts. We both had to completely change how we viewed and treated each other.