jphcbpa Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 My councillor gave me a really good exercise to do if you find yourself over analysing things. Basically, get a book or a diary or even a piece of paper. Then sit down for 15 minutes and just BRAINSTORM everything that comes into your mind. Doesn't need to flow or make sense, just brainstorm it all. Sometimes it might be hard, I usually cry thinking about what my ex has done. Then at the end of the fifteen minutes, close the book. Then whenever you find yourself thinking about things again for the rest of the day, just shut them down. It helps if you imagine yourself closing the book. This gives you a way of getting everything down you're worrying about, and then getting on with things. I hope it helps good suggestions. I like to write in the morning and a night. what I did for the day, thoughts that came to me, things I want to do, ideas ect.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 I really doubt it was "one last bang..." I saw her to day, she smiled to me, waived, and when I was passing near her, she stopped me and ask me if I managed to get something I need for my college. Still I leave all options opened. That's it from her in 2 days I got... Also I'm sick of myself and my thoughts, and overanalyzing things and actions, I hope it will be ok in time. I think I should try and talk to her, but I'm afraid it will be a mistake, so I'm sticking to NC, and waiting her next move. It feels like a intense game of chess, which I'm getting a bit tired of. All that stuff if she wants you, she will knock on your door, she will come back, it's good, but she is the kind of person, that will hardly do that, cause of her big ego. She just can't admit she made a mistake on her own, and I'm afraid of that, and am thinking that she could only do that if she is around me. But again I won't do that, I am aware of my situation, my feelings and etc. I will let her do the first move, I told her that a while a go, that she is the one who needs to make a first move, and she kind a did Monday night... but now 2 days passed and nothing from her. I know I need to move on with my life, and I'm doing that, but still I want her back, I want another try, cause I know mistakes, and now I know how to handle a relationship. I hope it'll work all for the best. If she's not willing to put her ego aside, that means you aren't a priority. And a move other than "I made a mistake and I want to be with you" is not a move. She broke it, and it's up to her to fix it. And it's up to you to make her actually fix it, not be a weak bootlicking turd that will jump when she snaps her fingers. The thing I find most concerning about you, and why I think you are in for a long haul of pain with this, is your statement that you will "wait" for her to make a move. It's not your job to wait. It's your job to move forward, pick yourself up, and make yourself a better person. It's her job to catch up to you if she chooses, but sitting around like a pud waiting for her gives her no motivation and no attraction to you. Why should she have to inconvenience herself and make a decision when she knows that you don't have the strength to do things for yourself? You need to stop talking to her. You need to stop making everything easy for her. You need time to allow yourself, and her, to process the breakup. You aren't processing sh*t right now, and neither is she. If you somehow got back together right now, you'd be in the same flawed relationship that broke. I'm rambling, but either way, stop with this "I have to talk to her because she's too proud to admit that she made a mistake" crap. If she truly values her own ego over the love she has for you, then she doesn't value you in the way you deserve to be valued and doesn't value a relationship with you the way she should. 2
jphcbpa Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 If she's not willing to put her ego aside, that means you aren't a priority. And a move other than "I made a mistake and I want to be with you" is not a move. She broke it, and it's up to her to fix it. And it's up to you to make her actually fix it, not be a weak bootlicking turd that will jump when she snaps her fingers. The thing I find most concerning about you, and why I think you are in for a long haul of pain with this, is your statement that you will "wait" for her to make a move. It's not your job to wait. It's your job to move forward, pick yourself up, and make yourself a better person. It's her job to catch up to you if she chooses, but sitting around like a pud waiting for her gives her no motivation and no attraction to you. Why should she have to inconvenience herself and make a decision when she knows that you don't have the strength to do things for yourself? You need to stop talking to her. You need to stop making everything easy for her. You need time to allow yourself, and her, to process the breakup. You aren't processing sh*t right now, and neither is she. If you somehow got back together right now, you'd be in the same flawed relationship that broke. I'm rambling, but either way, stop with this "I have to talk to her because she's too proud to admit that she made a mistake" crap. If she truly values her own ego over the love she has for you, then she doesn't value you in the way you deserve to be valued and doesn't value a relationship with you the way she should. go on...preach it brother.... 2
Author d0cholliday Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 If she's not willing to put her ego aside, that means you aren't a priority. And a move other than "I made a mistake and I want to be with you" is not a move. She broke it, and it's up to her to fix it. And it's up to you to make her actually fix it, not be a weak bootlicking turd that will jump when she snaps her fingers. The thing I find most concerning about you, and why I think you are in for a long haul of pain with this, is your statement that you will "wait" for her to make a move. It's not your job to wait. It's your job to move forward, pick yourself up, and make yourself a better person. It's her job to catch up to you if she chooses, but sitting around like a pud waiting for her gives her no motivation and no attraction to you. Why should she have to inconvenience herself and make a decision when she knows that you don't have the strength to do things for yourself? You need to stop talking to her. You need to stop making everything easy for her. You need time to allow yourself, and her, to process the breakup. You aren't processing sh*t right now, and neither is she. If you somehow got back together right now, you'd be in the same flawed relationship that broke. I'm rambling, but either way, stop with this "I have to talk to her because she's too proud to admit that she made a mistake" crap. If she truly values her own ego over the love she has for you, then she doesn't value you in the way you deserve to be valued and doesn't value a relationship with you the way she should. Wow!!! Thank you very much sir, I needed that. I know I sound pathetic, but believe me I'm trying real hard, and I'm on a good way, there are set backs, but I try to handle them best I can. She is leaving Saturday, so that's my chance to escape fully. Thank you for your directness, It helped alot.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 Wow!!! Thank you very much sir, I needed that. I know I sound pathetic, but believe me I'm trying real hard, and I'm on a good way, there are set backs, but I try to handle them best I can. She is leaving Saturday, so that's my chance to escape fully. Thank you for your directness, It helped alot. I play the bad cop. And her leaving shouldn't be the motivation for your escape -- you wanting to escape should be that motivation. You need to do things for you, not in reaction to her. I mean, you didn't get her in the first place by shaping your whole life around her, you sure as sh*t aren't going to attract her back (or anyone else) by doing that. She's going on a ski trip. That's it. It's not some big moment in your life -- it's her hurtling (or probably going really slow) down a snow-covered mountain and having drinks in the lodge. 1
Author d0cholliday Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 I play the bad cop. And her leaving shouldn't be the motivation for your escape -- you wanting to escape should be that motivation. You need to do things for you, not in reaction to her. I mean, you didn't get her in the first place by shaping your whole life around her, you sure as sh*t aren't going to attract her back (or anyone else) by doing that. She's going on a ski trip. That's it. It's not some big moment in your life -- it's her hurtling (or probably going really slow) down a snow-covered mountain and having drinks in the lodge. Thank you again, good sir. She contacted me yesterday, asking some stupid question, I guess she tried to communicate. I didn't answer it right away, I did answer it 3 hours later, with short simple answer. Regarding my "escape" I do really want it, English is not my mother language so you misunderstood that line, nevertheless you are right, I'm acting like a wuss, but that's no more. What I mean by escape is that I won't even have the chance to see her, cause we go together to college, so I kinda see her everyday, but now when she is gone it will be much easier for me
Simon Phoenix Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Thank you again, good sir. She contacted me yesterday, asking some stupid question, I guess she tried to communicate. I didn't answer it right away, I did answer it 3 hours later, with short simple answer. Regarding my "escape" I do really want it, English is not my mother language so you misunderstood that line, nevertheless you are right, I'm acting like a wuss, but that's no more. What I mean by escape is that I won't even have the chance to see her, cause we go together to college, so I kinda see her everyday, but now when she is gone it will be much easier for me Fair enough. And next time she asks a stupid question, do not answer at all. 1
Author d0cholliday Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 Fair enough. And next time she asks a stupid question, do not answer at all. Oh no no no, no answering at all for at least a month. I will only answer, and that's a slight chance, if she writes, I love you, I made a mistake, I want to try again. That's an only thing I would answer to. 1
ariawuu Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Oh no no no, no answering at all for at least a month. I will only answer, and that's a slight chance, if she writes, I love you, I made a mistake, I want to try again. That's an only thing I would answer to. yayyy im proud of you!!
jphcbpa Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Oh no no no, no answering at all for at least a month. I will only answer, and that's a slight chance, if she writes, I love you, I made a mistake, I want to try again. That's an only thing I would answer to. and I wld take a day or few to respond.
xUnknown Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Seriously man. Go No Contact. If she wants to be with you, she'll make it known. She is feeding you breadcrumbs and you keep answering. No contact isn't a strategy to get her back...its to move on. Its when you move on that they finally realize they've lost you - because you aren't under their spell anymore. If she wants you back, it is at that time that she will make it known. If you've done NC correctly, you won't get a text, you'll get a phone call or she'll come see you in person. 1
Author d0cholliday Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Seriously man. Go No Contact. If she wants to be with you, she'll make it known. She is feeding you breadcrumbs and you keep answering. No contact isn't a strategy to get her back...its to move on. Its when you move on that they finally realize they've lost you - because you aren't under their spell anymore. If she wants you back, it is at that time that she will make it known. If you've done NC correctly, you won't get a text, you'll get a phone call or she'll come see you in person. We will see.... But I'm doing NC, pretty good I might say, tomorrow will be 7 days. I study, I go to gym, meeting ladies in the process. Sadly I think great temptetion is comming my way... In a week she will come back from a ski trip, I think she doesnt have internet there so she can't contact me, which is great for me, but when she's back I think she will, myb sooner, I mean I don't care a lot about that, I'm in a pretty good position now, and probably can control myself not to answer her, except if she says something like I'm sorry, Please let's try again, then I would go slow and easy, to make sure BU won't happen again. I will update here what happens. My plan is to avoid her as much as possible, and stay in NC for 3 more weeks. Then I will reasses my situation, and see what's next. Who knows what will happen. I actually noticed a girl noticing me, in a library, smiled to me, but I didn't had the courage to approach, but I will tomorrow if she comes , this is the first girl in a while after my ex, who actually looks really interesting to me, which I actually want to meet. Thank you for your advices, and to all the people here on forum. 1
Author d0cholliday Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 (edited) An update.... Ex is on a ski trip, haven't been online for a week.... She was online yesterday, and of course she sent me a message on facebook. I blocked everything on facebook, so I can't see her post's even messages ( Put it in Other inbox part, so I need to go manually and look it up, no notifications). Devil inside me just told me go look if she sent you something, and I did. So it was almost 8 days of NC and she sends me a message asking me Who is some guy who commented my profile picture.... That guy doesn't have his real name, but she knows him, but not that profile, he is on college with us... She kinda dropped in my eyes now. I was expecting something like this, but really???? After almost 2 weeks of not seeing each other, and week of NC she sends me something like this. Is this a lame excuse to try to communicate, or she just don't care how I've been, what I'm doing....? I'm dissapointed a bit, I might say she pushed me away a little. Cause in my head it looks like she doesn't have any feelings, and she don't care. I read so many stories on LS, and on blogs, most of the girls who are dumpers, say to their ex how are you, i miss you etc, but not my ex.... Keep in mind that I'm doing good. I'm into my 9th day of NC, and it is almost 4 months since the BU... I'm going on with my life, doing stuff. I'm not great, but I'm doing OK each day, and getting my head together. And I didn't answer her... Give me some input about this. Thank you in advance. Edited January 27, 2014 by d0cholliday
erklat Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Is this a lame excuse to try to communicate, or she just don't care how I've been, what I'm doing....? Yeah that is a breadcrumb as I said but from this perspective it seems like you are still pretty needy.
Author d0cholliday Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Update.... She sent me a message again on facebook... Hey why aren't you answering? Did you blocked me again of FB? I never blocked her, I only turned off chat for her, not to see when I'm online, but I forgot to turn of my skype, nevermind that. I still didn't "read" the message. So what should I do? Read it tomorrow and not answer? Answer something tomorrow or even 2 days from now? Or keep going with NC? I do feel that NC is helping me, I feel much much better now, I'm moving forward. And I don't want to mess things up.
xUnknown Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 An update.... Ex is on a ski trip, haven't been online for a week.... She was online yesterday, and of course she sent me a message on facebook. I blocked everything on facebook, so I can't see her post's even messages ( Put it in Other inbox part, so I need to go manually and look it up, no notifications). Devil inside me just told me go look if she sent you something, and I did. So it was almost 8 days of NC and she sends me a message asking me Who is some guy who commented my profile picture.... That guy doesn't have his real name, but she knows him, but not that profile, he is on college with us... She kinda dropped in my eyes now. I was expecting something like this, but really???? After almost 2 weeks of not seeing each other, and week of NC she sends me something like this. Is this a lame excuse to try to communicate, or she just don't care how I've been, what I'm doing....? I'm dissapointed a bit, I might say she pushed me away a little. Cause in my head it looks like she doesn't have any feelings, and she don't care. I read so many stories on LS, and on blogs, most of the girls who are dumpers, say to their ex how are you, i miss you etc, but not my ex.... Keep in mind that I'm doing good. I'm into my 9th day of NC, and it is almost 4 months since the BU... I'm going on with my life, doing stuff. I'm not great, but I'm doing OK each day, and getting my head together. And I didn't answer her... Give me some input about this. Thank you in advance. She contacted you asking about the other guy to (1) send you a breadcrumb --see if you were still waiting on her. She wanted a response so she can think to herself "I did the right thing, and look, he still talks to me, so I must not be that bad"... (2) try to see if you were going to get jealous about her asking about another dude. Stay NC man. Don't read the messages. Don't reply. You're not in the right mindset yet to do that. If you reply to anything tell her "Please stop bothering me. You broke up with me and you wanted to end things. Please let me move on and do not contact me." Most people would add something like "if you want to reconcile, I will be willing to discuss the matter." Personally, I wouldn't add it. I feel like it makes her think that is what you are after (which you are), but by you bringing it up - it makes you look desperate...so, I wouldn't add that part.
Author d0cholliday Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 I didn't read it still, I did the first one, but the second why I'm not answering her I didn't and won't. I will change my phone number on friday... She is coming back on Saturday, and by the looks of it she could contact me again. I know these are breadcrumbs. She asking me about another guy didn't bother me at all, nor this contacting stuff. I'm quite strong now... My plan is to get this month of NC for myself, she can wait.... It's my 11th day, and I'm doing great. If I don't make up with her I still want to try some kind of friendship, I have my reasons, they are not romantic or such... I expect her next move to be, contacting me again, and telling me she needs to talk or something like that. I won't fall in that pit again. I will do my best to avoid her for that month. If she doesn't know what she needs to do to get me back, I can't help her... I told her a while ago she needs to make the first step, so the ball is in her hands. I am satisfied with myself, and what I am doing. I do want her back, but I need reassurence that everything will be great from now on. So we will see. I'll update here, so guys please give some advice when I update. Thank you.
xUnknown Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 If I don't make up with her I still want to try some kind of friendship, I have my reasons, they are not romantic or such... I expect her next move to be, contacting me again, and telling me she needs to talk or something like that. I won't fall in that pit again. I will do my best to avoid her for that month. If she doesn't know what she needs to do to get me back, I can't help her... I told her a while ago she needs to make the first step, so the ball is in her hands. I am satisfied with myself, and what I am doing. I do want her back, but I need reassurence that everything will be great from now on. So we will see. I'll update here, so guys please give some advice when I update. Thank you. Good for you for not responding. Don't even look at anything else she sends you. If you haven't blocked her, I would (if you don't have the self control to NOT look at the messages she most likely will send you). A month is a good timeline for NC. But after that month, keep it going. Add another month and shoot for that. It will take you longer than a month to become indifferent. This is where you want to be in order to be friends. If you can't see her with someone else (and it NOT bother you), then you need to keep trucking along with NC. I understand being friends part, but, if its too early, then you're setting yourself up to get hurt again. Keep it up man! You're doing great. 1
Author d0cholliday Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 Good for you for not responding. Don't even look at anything else she sends you. If you haven't blocked her, I would (if you don't have the self control to NOT look at the messages she most likely will send you). A month is a good timeline for NC. But after that month, keep it going. Add another month and shoot for that. It will take you longer than a month to become indifferent. This is where you want to be in order to be friends. If you can't see her with someone else (and it NOT bother you), then you need to keep trucking along with NC. I understand being friends part, but, if its too early, then you're setting yourself up to get hurt again. Keep it up man! You're doing great. Thanks for your advice, I will keep doing what I'm doing, but I still have a little hope burning inside of me of us getting back together, cause on some level I still have the feeling that we would be great together.
xUnknown Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Thanks for your advice, I will keep doing what I'm doing, but I still have a little hope burning inside of me of us getting back together, cause on some level I still have the feeling that we would be great together. Hope is normal. I feel like its impossible not to have it. It takes time, soon that hope you have will turn into "not caring" so to speak. Right now, you hope that you'll get back together, but eventually, you just won't care anymore. Its at that point where you realize how much progress you've made. Believe me, I was there.
erklat Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Hope is normal. I feel like its impossible not to have it. It takes time, soon that hope you have will turn into "not caring" so to speak. Right now, you hope that you'll get back together, but eventually, you just won't care anymore. Its at that point where you realize how much progress you've made. Believe me, I was there. And then possible reconciliations should be discussed imho.
xUnknown Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 And then possible reconciliations should be discussed imho. yep...and that was the time my ex came back. When I was moved on, not thinking about the past, "it is what it is" mentality.
Author d0cholliday Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Update.... She's back from ski-trip, and she sent me a message on skype, asking did I turned off chat for her on FB... Ofcourse I didn't and I won't respond. I also changed my phone number so she can't call me, and only a few knows my new number. But I admit it got me all messed up, I was fine till today... Now I guess I need to wait to see her actions.... Sticking with NC for two more weeks...
Simon Phoenix Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Update.... She's back from ski-trip, and she sent me a message on skype, asking did I turned off chat for her on FB... Ofcourse I didn't and I won't respond. I also changed my phone number so she can't call me, and only a few knows my new number. But I admit it got me all messed up, I was fine till today... Now I guess I need to wait to see her actions.... Sticking with NC for two more weeks... Two weeks minimum. If you are "shook up" by her sending you a message on Skype, you need to go NC until you don't even care. I don't see you getting there in two weeks. I think 3 months minimum is what you should do for NC. 1
Author d0cholliday Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Two weeks minimum. If you are "shook up" by her sending you a message on Skype, you need to go NC until you don't even care. I don't see you getting there in two weeks. I think 3 months minimum is what you should do for NC. I'm not that shook up, I just wonder what would happen, I would say I'm curious, I still think about reconciliation, but I'm aware that probably won't happen, since she showed how cold is she... This is just a setback, I always get like this on Saturday evening if I'm not out having fun... I have acquired a lot of self-control, and know I can do this NC, but still, there is this gut feeling I have that we should be together, and if you add to that pot the fact I haven't had success with ladies since I am single, You get me whining here on my thread... I take day by day, and I think it will get even harder for me during next month, but I will survive It just amazes me her messages, they are so pointless, and I don't have any urge to answer them, If she only knew that there is only few words she should say to me and I would answer her, but asking me did I turn off the chat for her, really??? Why?? Also I probably miss her cause I'm alone, and I still didn't get use to it.
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