2 months after the break up; need some advice

[Simon Phoenix]

I feel like we're talking in circles, but the fact that she said you were "behaving badly" when you were in No Contact is a bunch of crap. You were trying to go NC to heal and figure things out, and she calls that "behaving badly"? That's a bunch of crap.

 

Anyway, best of luck. Do what you feel you need to do.

[d0cholliday]

Ok... Anyone else?

[BC1980]

You really don't need to see her again. Now, you want a second chance, and a few pages ago, it was over. Commit to NC. It's not punishment or immaturity. Most people realize that you need a period of NC after a breakup. It's usually pretty permanent in most cases as time goes on. NC didn't catch on because it is a bad idea. People realized that it's the most healthy way to recover.

 

This girl has no interest in a second chance. No genuine interest at least. This is going to end badly, but do what you want I guess.

[Logicpro]

You missunderstood me. I didn't do all of that. Actually she was trying all the time. I didn't tell you all the details. She told me she was meeting me to check if I had changed. And she told me she was disappointed every single time. I told you long ago, I would need to make first step. Cause I failed, her only failure is leaving me, but she had to do it so I can understand what's wrong.

 

 

She is the girl I love, she makes me happy, and you are telling me to let it go. That girl is possibly trying to reconcile and I should let that go?

 

I need advice to make it work, not to heal myself. I am done with healing.

 

Also obviously I didn't make easier for her, I was in the. beginning, but as day passed I got stronger, improved myself. And now she can see that. If I tell you every single detail it would be a long post.

 

I know her better, and I don't want to generalize and compare her to others. If she was like other girls I wouldn't be with her at first place.

 

No matter how hard I try to explain to you, what I want and need, that I'm not chasing her, you keep telling me that I'm doing something I'm not doing.

 

Maybe I need to get burned again, and that's ma choice, but I choose to believe everything will work out.

 

Why is that so wrong in your eyes?

 

She told me that my behaviour after bu was bad, that she tried and I wasn't answering, cause I was in nc. She doesn't know about all of that stuff.

 

You think she is playing me, right? If she does that means she isn't the right girl for me. But if I move away and don't give her the chance to prove her self, I told her she needs tto do that, and it is hard for her enough cause of her hard character. Giving the point that I caused her a lot of pain, which I didn't realised, and she didn't want to tell me that, she wanted for me to figure it out, and when I did, she confirmed that.

 

Ok, I know I'm taking a risk, but that's on me.

 

I just want to do my best, and make the best of the situation. I love her and I think we are meant to be.

And I will be crazy about her for much more, and now finally things are going my way, and I should move away?

 

Like I said, just want to use this as best I can and if possible ti give her another chance. That's it, it is simple.

 

I didn't contact her first once, until Monday, that was the first time, she was the one who initiated everything, and told me she was checking where I'm at. And was disappointed, now she isn't anymore.

 

So if you don't have any advice about this, now when things have changed, it's ok. Is it that bad for me asking?

 

At the end, it depends is she genuine or not.

 

She wants to hang around, to be around me, to take it slow, she looks happier now, she started to be interested in my life, she started to act like the girl I love.

 

What I want to know... How to handle communication, how to act when we are together, when to initiate contact. We need to build thrust, and the only way to do that is by talking to each other about everything not only about relationship. If you or anyone else can advise me about that good, if not, I will try to do my best and balance this, and do what's best for me.

 

And I don't want to screw up again. I think that's fair

 

Your story is nearly the same as mine, can I ask exactly the way you got her to reconcile with you?, I found some bits and bobs from your posts.

 

My story was http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/461041-girlfriend-left-me-after-almost-8-years-3.html#post5534142 not 100% the same but just about.

 

I tried to PM you but I am not sure I can, cant see PM button anywhere.

[d0cholliday]

Your story is nearly the same as mine, can I ask exactly the way you got her to reconcile with you?, I found some bits and bobs from your posts.

 

My story was http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/461041-girlfriend-left-me-after-almost-8-years-3.html#post5534142 not 100% the same but just about.

 

I tried to PM you but I am not sure I can, cant see PM button anywhere.

 

You need to have 100 posts to use PM.

 

I didn't say we reconciled. Not yet, but where are getting there. I will send you later a PM and explain what I did, what she did, and what happened. I'm in a hurry now.

[Logicpro]

You need to have 100 posts to use PM.

 

I didn't say we reconciled. Not yet, but where are getting there. I will send you later a PM and explain what I did, what she did, and what happened. I'm in a hurry now.

 

That would be amazing! thank you

[d0cholliday]

You really don't need to see her again. Now, you want a second chance, and a few pages ago, it was over. Commit to NC. It's not punishment or immaturity. Most people realize that you need a period of NC after a breakup. It's usually pretty permanent in most cases as time goes on. NC didn't catch on because it is a bad idea. People realized that it's the most healthy way to recover.

 

This girl has no interest in a second chance. No genuine interest at least. This is going to end badly, but do what you want I guess.

 

Ok, if you say so.... But how can I see she isn't interested from her actions? I don't get that. How can something like that mean that she isn't interested, the way she looks at me, the way she acts, it has all changed, when I got the courage to admit my mistakes...? She admitet hers also... Why she would go to have lunch with my parents and me? Why she removed rs status from being single, and tell me that she did that because of me? If she is that evil, and still playing me along, it would be easy to move on, only thing which I'll have will be hate and anger, if that happens.

 

Look man I'm feeling really positive about this, I don't want to play games with her. She always wanted complete honesty in a RS, and I gave her that now, there are no mistakes left unspoken, there are no differences anymore. I suppose I can accept the fact, she is an evil bitch and she will destroy me, and turn around and run away. Is that really a solution? Is it wrong I believe she is actually a good person? She showed that so many times... I mean it is easy to be negative about all of this, negativity brought me here... I know life isn't sunshine and flowers... I will keep LC, and let her initiate things, if she comes back, good, if not, well **** it... Will hold on till summer then I'm gone.

[erklat]

You are not ready.

 

I can tell from the way you write. It is always about her, her, her, her.

 

You are so stubbornly rationalizing her bad choices.

 

Even if it is true - you behaved badly - what kind of person dumps you and causes you pain above anything else?

Shouldn't she talk to you instead?

 

Now you're going to tell she tried to talk but you pestered her or whatever.

 

You are not there where you should be regarding second chance, I can tell.

 

She is certainly not because she didn't need to change because she doesn't perceive your communication problematic because you fell at her feet.

 

Even if it does work... It will work with you in a position of no power because of your poor approach.

 

It does not matter if you will reconcile now to relieve your pain.

 

You should think for the longest term - and the fact she doesn't respect you will hit you hard when it comes back.

 

You talk about your issues after you reconcile. You don't talk about it to reconcile.

[xUnknown]

 

She is certainly not because she didn't need to change because she doesn't perceive your communication problematic because you fell at her feet.

 

Even if it does work... It will work with you in a position of no power because of your poor approach.

 

It does not matter if you will reconcile now to relieve your pain.

 

You should think for the longest term - and the fact she doesn't respect you will hit you hard when it comes back.

 

You talk about your issues after you reconcile. You don't talk about it to reconcile.

 

I agree completely. You're making yourself too available to her. Every time she contacted you, you responded, went out, had coffee with her. She KNOWS she has you. She is loving the fact that you're still on her string. As Erklat said, even if it does work out, she won't respect you, because you're seeming needy. You don't think so, but thats how it will be perceived by a woman.

 

Now, lets say it works out..6 months down the road you're getting treated like **** in the relationship because of lack of respect and you finally decide to stand up for yourself...she'll leave. Because you did that. Now you're back to where you are now, thinking it was you that screwed it up because you stood up for yourself or raised your voice. Now you're going to do the same thing as you're doing now because you stood up for yourself that may have resulted in yelling.

 

You are always talking about what YOU did wrong. Well my friend, relationships are a two way street. It takes two to tango. YOU didn't just fail, the relationship failed because SHE FAILED TOO. I never saw you (or at least recall) you mentioning the **** she did.....what her problems were. She ****ed up too man. She doesn't think so, nor do you...because you two haven't been apart long enough without contact to reflect on not only yourself but the relationship (this is from your perspective --she thinks its 100% all you and she did nothing wrong because she doesn't need to - you took the blame entirely on yourself for the failed relationship.) Her dick is so hard right now knowing that she has you on a leash and she doesn't have to admit that she did anything wrong.

 

It seems you've already made your mind about what you're doing and that's fine because its your life. I just feel like the advice everyone has given you and taking time out of their day goes unappreciated it....well, maybe not unappreciated, but unheard. Because, you don't want to hear what we keep telling you - to go NC.

 

I wish you the best man, but you two need to have another talk. She has to admit to you that she screwed up too. YOU need to bring this up, because we all know she isn't going to. If you don't, she won't respect you...because you pretty much rolled over for her and took all the blame. Its not all your fault. Its both you're fault. If you won't go NC so that she can realize this, then you have to bring it up. It most likely will start an argument, but you need to get back some respect.

[flight E]

We all know how hard breakup's are and the urge to keep touch with your ex but the mere fact that you have to ask for advice every step of the way shows you are not ready. When u started talking to her when you started dating am sure you were not always asking for advice on what to say to her. U are not ready and you will fail. This is fact not negativity. Everyone feels the rules don't apply to thier situation but we all find out soon enough that they do. I also found that out the hard way. Pls take the seemingly hard but easy road. Let her work for this.

[Logicpro]

Ok, if you say so.... But how can I see she isn't interested from her actions? I don't get that. How can something like that mean that she isn't interested, the way she looks at me, the way she acts, it has all changed, when I got the courage to admit my mistakes...? She admitet hers also... Why she would go to have lunch with my parents and me? Why she removed rs status from being single, and tell me that she did that because of me? If she is that evil, and still playing me along, it would be easy to move on, only thing which I'll have will be hate and anger, if that happens.

 

Look man I'm feeling really positive about this, I don't want to play games with her. She always wanted complete honesty in a RS, and I gave her that now, there are no mistakes left unspoken, there are no differences anymore. I suppose I can accept the fact, she is an evil bitch and she will destroy me, and turn around and run away. Is that really a solution? Is it wrong I believe she is actually a good person? She showed that so many times... I mean it is easy to be negative about all of this, negativity brought me here... I know life isn't sunshine and flowers... I will keep LC, and let her initiate things, if she comes back, good, if not, well **** it... Will hold on till summer then I'm gone.

 

I just noticed I cant get PMS so maybe you would be ok to post that information you were going to give me here?, just when you have some time, I am in NC right now anyway!

[BC1980]

Ok, if you say so.... But how can I see she isn't interested from her actions? I don't get that. How can something like that mean that she isn't interested, the way she looks at me, the way she acts, it has all changed, when I got the courage to admit my mistakes...? She admitet hers also... Why she would go to have lunch with my parents and me? Why she removed rs status from being single, and tell me that she did that because of me? If she is that evil, and still playing me along, it would be easy to move on, only thing which I'll have will be hate and anger, if that happens.

 

Look man I'm feeling really positive about this, I don't want to play games with her. She always wanted complete honesty in a RS, and I gave her that now, there are no mistakes left unspoken, there are no differences anymore. I suppose I can accept the fact, she is an evil bitch and she will destroy me, and turn around and run away. Is that really a solution? Is it wrong I believe she is actually a good person? She showed that so many times... I mean it is easy to be negative about all of this, negativity brought me here... I know life isn't sunshine and flowers... I will keep LC, and let her initiate things, if she comes back, good, if not, well **** it... Will hold on till summer then I'm gone.

 

Are you in a relationship with her? She can do all the things you listed and still have no interest in a relationship when push comes to shove. It happens all the time.

[d0cholliday]

Are you in a relationship with her? She can do all the things you listed and still have no interest in a relationship when push comes to shove. It happens all the time.

 

 

So basically, you are saying she is a cold hearted bitch, set to hurt me and destroy me?

[erklat]

She says that your gf happiness doesn't depend on you. And neither should yours on her, but it does.

[xUnknown]

She says that your gf happiness doesn't depend on you. And neither should yours on her, but it does.

 

Exactly. Its your mindset going into this whole thing. You need time apart to change this mindset that you are currently in.

[d0cholliday]

I agree completely. You're making yourself too available to her. Every time she contacted you, you responded, went out, had coffee with her. She KNOWS she has you. She is loving the fact that you're still on her string. As Erklat said, even if it does work out, she won't respect you, because you're seeming needy. You don't think so, but thats how it will be perceived by a woman.

 

Now, lets say it works out..6 months down the road you're getting treated like **** in the relationship because of lack of respect and you finally decide to stand up for yourself...she'll leave. Because you did that. Now you're back to where you are now, thinking it was you that screwed it up because you stood up for yourself or raised your voice. Now you're going to do the same thing as you're doing now because you stood up for yourself that may have resulted in yelling.

 

You are always talking about what YOU did wrong. Well my friend, relationships are a two way street. It takes two to tango. YOU didn't just fail, the relationship failed because SHE FAILED TOO. I never saw you (or at least recall) you mentioning the **** she did.....what her problems were. She ****ed up too man. She doesn't think so, nor do you...because you two haven't been apart long enough without contact to reflect on not only yourself but the relationship (this is from your perspective --she thinks its 100% all you and she did nothing wrong because she doesn't need to - you took the blame entirely on yourself for the failed relationship.) Her dick is so hard right now knowing that she has you on a leash and she doesn't have to admit that she did anything wrong.

 

It seems you've already made your mind about what you're doing and that's fine because its your life. I just feel like the advice everyone has given you and taking time out of their day goes unappreciated it....well, maybe not unappreciated, but unheard. Because, you don't want to hear what we keep telling you - to go NC.

 

I wish you the best man, but you two need to have another talk. She has to admit to you that she screwed up too. YOU need to bring this up, because we all know she isn't going to. If you don't, she won't respect you...because you pretty much rolled over for her and took all the blame. Its not all your fault. Its both you're fault. If you won't go NC so that she can realize this, then you have to bring it up. It most likely will start an argument, but you need to get back some respect.

 

 

Thanks again for your advices.

 

She did mentioned her part of mistakes, and I agreed with her. It's not true that all of your advices are unheard. If I wasn't in NC for 3,4 months, it doesn't need to mean that I don't unappreciate your advices. Actually I did NC for about the month, plus 2 months of very limited contact, and me never contacting first.

 

I'm not available to her in the amount she thinks I am. We just started to communicate normally, she started opening up to me, so in order to work things out I'm letting her to open up, and trough communication we will try to work things out completely. It is a process which will last for some time. But I'm willing to take a shot. I'm sticking my neck a little cause if I go NC again, I will soon find myself depressed, sitting around my apartmen, doing nothing, waiting etc... It's much easier for me like this. I'm not contacting her, I'm moving little by little, meeting new people, hitting up the gym, hanging out.

 

Honestly I do still feel needy, and I don't thrust her enough. Problem is in my mindest, and I still have a lot of work to do. I don't need to tell her anything anymore, told her everything she needs to know. When we talked we agreed about the problems, and worked up a solution to work it out. Building thrust between each other. Also I'm earning my respect back. I admit I lost my backbone somewhere a long the line, but I'm getting there. I'm in no hurry, and taking my time. Believe me that's a lot of progress for me, cause usually I want it all and I want it now, impatience is what I struggle with all the time.

 

So once again, please do not think your advices were in vain, and waste of time. I did my part, and I feel a lot better, giving the circumstances, I thought my pain will last forever, so I'm happy where I am right now. I can't know what will happen in the future, so I'm taking it day by day, and to see what will happen. During this I'm working on myself, and will continue that.

 

If it really turns up, that she was stringing me, keeping me as a back up, well I guess I'll get hurt, but the good thing is that I will at least know she wasn't the ONE, like I thought she was. We all learn from our mistakes, and I choosed to learn it the hard way.

 

I don't know why don't you believe me when I say I'm in a better place, I do feel needy, and probably reek of desperation, but I'm fighting with that. I can't speed up things, and I need to let them come naturally.

 

Only thing I don't know is how to handle the interaction. For an example she asked me can we meet up, and I turned her down, cause I'm going to a party... She is obviously pissed about that, so that needs to count for something right? But when we do meet up at somepoint should I be cold, disinterested? Should I keep it casuall? Or just act normal? I believe that only way to build up thrust is by communicating...

 

I have a high point of tolarenca for people, especially for her, but I also have a breaking point. And I guess I need to find out what her intentions are by my own, doing the things I described up in the post.

 

I don't see anything wrong with that, I'm sorry but I just don't see it. She builded a unique picture about herself in my eyes, and she knows that, now its up to her to prove that, if she destroyes that, it will be a great loss for her.

So it all depends on that. I don't mind waiting a little bit, and once again, by waiting I mean actually doing something with myself. I'm focused on studying, writing my science paper, improving myself, having fun as much as I can.

The only thing missing right now is that actuall NC, but I have enough self-control not to cave in and beg or plea, or contacting her all the time. I admit I have the urge, but I successfully control it. For the first time in months I'm not feeling sorry for myself, and I'm not moping around, and I feel good about myself, starting to feel happy. Started to putting me on my priority list, not her. I told you before that when I manage to say what I need to say to her, when I figure out where I did wrong, that I will be in a better place, and that's what is happening right no.

 

Don't misinterpet this, it is like I'm giving her another chance, but in the way that she needs to prove to me that she is a right choice for me. She needs to make a first move, and she knows that. Longer she takes the harder she will get me back. And, altough I still want her back, I'm fine with it. If she doesn't come back, no harm done, it will just open my eyes a bit more. I decided she is worth the fight, and she is worth the waiting, untill she proves me wrong.

Either way I will come out as a winner... Either I'll be in a strong, happy RS, or I will dodge a bullet and not being miserable for the rest of my life.

When you look at it like that, I think it is a good thing for me. Plus it is easy for me to go NC, I can do it anytime, I know I posess that power now. I'm staying positive, and optimistic... But I'm careful.

[xUnknown]

I do feel needy, and probably reek of desperation, but I'm fighting with that. I can't speed up things, and I need to let them come naturally.

 

But that's just it, you're trying to speed things up by doing things this way. You just admitted to being needy and most likely "reek of desperation"...the only way to let this come naturally is by healing. You're not giving yourself time to do that.

 

She builded a unique picture about herself in my eyes, and she knows that, now its up to her to prove that, if she destroyes that, it will be a great loss for her.

 

She doesn't need to prove anything to you, because she knows (as you just said) you already have that "picture" built up of her already. You did her job for her and she knows that.

 

Plus it is easy for me to go NC, I can do it anytime, I know I posess that power now.

So why aren't you doing it??

[d0cholliday]

But that's just it, you're trying to speed things up by doing things this way. You just admitted to being needy and most likely "reek of desperation"...the only way to let this come naturally is by healing. You're not giving yourself time to do that.

 

 

 

She doesn't need to prove anything to you, because she knows (as you just said) you already have that "picture" built up of her already. You did her job for her and she knows that.

 

 

So why aren't you doing it??

 

 

I'm not doing NC, cause I don't need it, and it doesn't feel right and also we need to build a thrust. Plus I said it will going to be easy to go NC if I found out I was wrong about her... Actually I'm not texting her, I'm not contacting her, not checking her FB profile. When she contacts me I answer short, if the answer is needed. So that's about it, and I'm slowly going on with my life... I did everything and now I'm fine, I feel at peace, get it? Sometimes I go trough crysis, but it passes very fast, and I'm back on track.

 

At this point, things are much more simple than before.... I accepted the situation as it is, promissed my self to hold on till the end, going on with or without her.... I'm a good person, friendly and people tend to enjoy my company, so I will be the person I am. I passed the NC thing, the hurting thing, the pain, I left that behind me, I really do feel indifferent towards our dead RS, cause that what it is to me, dead... What ever happens it will happen. I commited my self to college, and to get my diploma, she will be around for sometime, but the good thing is she doesn't affect my normal life functions.

 

I guess these are not emotions per se, it is much like annoying thing that bugs me sometimes, that's all... I can live with that.