Twelve dollar Martini.....blind dates.

January 10, 2014

Ok so I've been in a really terrible slump and dealing with a little depression. I posted here twice recently. One about my job and living situation and again about running into a girl I dated over a year ago. My last ex.

I said to myself I really need to get out. Maybe meet someone and have a drink and talk. I met this girl online who lived by me and we agreed to cut out all the online chat and meet up the block for a drink.

My experience with blind dates or with meeting women online is that the first meeting shouldn't be a date. It should be super casual. I've done this before and had girls milk a meal and drinks, not offer to pay and then never hear from them. I don't know you, never met you before why should I have to live up to traditional standards in these situations? I'll always offer to pay. I'm not like that but...

Onto last night, she seemed really nice, sweet even, good looking and very soft spoken. I thought we would have a drink each and be on our way. Immediately she ordered a Martini, I ordered a beer. Then we both a beer. Fine, conversation was going well. We didn't have too much of a romantic connection or chemistry for that matter but conversation was decent. When we decided to call it a night she got up and put her jacket on. The bar tender put the bill on the bar and I naturally picked it up. She didn't offer to pay her share, the tip or anything.

This morning I got a text saying she didn't feel any chemistry or romantic connection. That I was a nice guy, good luck.

I'm just tired of this. I mean come on. She had to have known last night that she didn't have a connection. Considering everything. Having never met before, feeling no romantic connection she should have paid for her own drinks. Plus, I appreciate a girl who will throw a 20 on the bar. Even if I do offer or insist on paying. Its a character trait. Especially in a situation like this.

Thoughts?! I actually feel like telling her 'next time offer to pay for your 12 dollar martini'

Edited January 10, 2014 by High_hopes

January 10, 2014

It's a doubled edged sword & there are no easy answers.

She sounds like a rotten apple. Ordering an expensive drink, even if that's your usual, & letting the guy pick up the check knowing there's not much there isn't cool but it's still socially acceptable. Sorry.

Guys kind of have it rough in that situation.

Don't let her bad manners ruin all women for you.

January 10, 2014

It is a double edged sword indeed. Some women have this philosophy:

- If I want to see him again then I'll let him pay, and I'll pay next time.

- If I don't want to see him again then I'll pay my half and not feel guilty.

Whereas others think like this:

- If I want to see him again then I'll pay my share so he thinks better of me.

- If I don't want to see him again then I might as well take what I can get.

How do you tell which kind of woman you've got in front of you? If you figure that out, let me know!!!

January 10, 2014

I haven't responded to her text. Probably shouldn't say anything other then.. "I feel the same. good luck"

January 10, 2014

It is a double edged sword indeed. Some women have this philosophy:

- If I want to see him again then I'll let him pay, and I'll pay next time.
- If I don't want to see him again then I'll pay my half and not feel guilty.

Whereas others think like this:

- If I want to see him again then I'll pay my share so he thinks better of me.
- If I don't want to see him again then I might as well take what I can get.

How do you tell which kind of woman you've got in front of you? If you figure that out, let me know!!!

Obviously I am going to agree with the first one and in situations where it's someone you met online the first meeting should always always be like that. In fact, she should always offer to pay in situations like that, even insist on it sometimes. Traditions should be broken and good manners should be displayed. At least when it's a blind date your going under the recommendations and word of someone you trust who set you up and knows the both of you.

BTW: PegNosePete.............Great name. Awesome.

Edited January 10, 2014 by High_hopes

January 10, 2014

Why did you give details about the woman?

If she had wanted to see you again, you would not have written this. You wrote this because you feel rejected. Otherwise it would have simply been...'met a woman, we had a drink and she just assumed I would pay'.

reality check. You are another guy who is just bitter because you think a woman's affection is a reward of some type...you earned it. It doesn't work that way.

January 10, 2014

Well...did you invite her out? maybe she just figured it was the "chivalrous" thing for you to do...maybe she took it as a date. I mean it was the risk you took, you didn't need to take her out to a 5 star meal but don't expect to just to completely escape having to pay at all...just because other girls took you for a ride, which may or may not be the case depending on how you look at it...how were they "milking" you?

I mean you took 5 minutes to talk to this girl and it's pretty much the standard in the US (safe assumption you are there) to pay when taking a girl out for the first time...some will offer to pay, some will pay their half on their own insistence...it just depends.

Here's the thing...don't offer to take a girl out for drinks if you don't want to pay for the drinks...which is what you are likely to do, I don't think you can fault her for ordering a martini and then just a beer, so if you don't want to pay for drinks don't go to a bar. However I would have probably appreciated it more if she said..."I'm sorry, I don't want to waste your time, I'm going to pay for my drink and go...it was nice meeting you but I'm not feeling it...good night" and if that were to say I would reply "No, it's alright...thanks for coming out, I'll take care it...have a good night, drive safe" and that would be that...yet I realize the offer would have been a nice gesture, I realize these situations are uncomfortable for some women and other women also just refuse to pay if asked out by rule...and that's the way it is, personally I haven't ran into a lot of selfish or entitled women in my dating experience...so I may not relate to the "milking" experience, but at the same time if I was...i just simply wouldn't take anyone out I didn't know I was interested in or would make it something more inexpensive to conserve money...I wouldn't expect the first date pay kind of rule to change.

Personally that's pretty much my code because it's my choice...I'm not going to expect her to pay just because there wasn't a romantic connection either or like she owed me something...If I asked her out, she went...I'll pay. For me it's not like a personal attack or like she owes me anything, which is how many women sometimes perceive if a guy pays which I hate....so I'd let a woman pay for her own if she so desires, and they don't owe me anything because I'm not doing what I'm doing just for them but for myself in what I like to do.

Unfortunately you've just been going through a lot it seems and this just kind of compounded on your already existing problems and feelings about dating and I see a lot of people blame OLD for that...for me OLD was a positive experience and I didn't get used or burned, I've also been taken out as well...so it's unfortunate you've had these experiences I guess...not knowing what they are, but I guess it's also how you look at it, how you handle it and what your expectations are.

I do empathize with the many men that struggle with OLD and dating in general, but look...you don't have to play by the rules, you can get creative and if you're just meeting these women on a whim then that's probably not doing you any favor either..don't take it to the extreme and say you don't want to play phone/pen pals and all of that but at least have some idea whether you connect with that person on some level or not...even the basics, like interests...you need to gauge that to some degree, somehow for yourself.

January 10, 2014

Why did you give details about the woman?

If she had wanted to see you again, you would not have written this. You wrote this because you feel rejected. Otherwise it would have simply been...'met a woman, we had a drink and she just assumed I would pay'.

reality check. You are another guy who is just bitter because you think a woman's affection is a reward of some type...you earned it. It doesn't work that way.

Reality check....your delusional. First of all I didn't give any details about this women. Where do you see this? Second, I even said that we didn't have any connection which means I felt the same way. Which means I reject her as well, which means her rejection of me doesn't bother me one bit. Third, simply saying 'met a women, we had a drink assumed I would pay' in no way what so ever tells the story of how we met and what transpired. It simply wouldn't convey the point of my post which you don't get anyway.

The post is about offering (at the very least) to pay your own way in a situation where you meet online and have met for the first time. It would have been proper for her to offer to pay. ESPECIALLY if she didn't feel a connection.

I don't get your response. Your looking at it in a really mixed up way. Your own way and it's you that comes off at bitter.

Edited January 10, 2014 by High_hopes

January 10, 2014

High hopes . . . would you feel any different if she had let you pay for 2 beers instead of an expensive martini & a beer?

January 10, 2014

So you know. I offered to meet her for a cup of coffee and she recommended to meet for a beer.

Is that me asking her out or her asking me out?

Sorry if I used the term 'milk'. It's just an expression and normally I wouldn't ask someone out if I wasn't interested. I've been with a lot of women who have offered to pay. Like I said in my post this girl lived close to me and we decided to cut the online chat out and just meet up. Like I said, I said coffee, she said BEER.

January 10, 2014

OP, price of doing business. You gotta pay to play.

January 10, 2014

Reality check....your delusional. First of all I didn't give any details about this women. Where do you see this? Second, I even said that we didn't have any connection which means I felt the same way. Which means I reject her as well, which means her rejection of me doesn't bother me one bit. Third, simply saying 'met a women, we had a drink assumed I would pay' in no way what so ever tells the story of how we met and what transpired. It simply wouldn't convey the point of my post which you don't get anyway.

The post is about offering (at the very least) to pay your own way in a situation where you meet online and have met for the first time. It would have been proper for her to offer to pay. ESPECIALLY if she didn't feel a connection.

I don't get your response. Your looking at it in a really mixed up way. Your own way and it's you that comes off at bitter.

Huh. Ridiculous. She should offer to pay because she didn't feel a connection? Where did you learn such nonsense? is this really how you think of women?

I repeat. You wrote this because you feel rejected and not because she didn't offer to pay.

January 10, 2014

Well...did you invite her out? maybe she just figured it was the "chivalrous" thing for you to do...maybe she took it as a date.

I do empathize with the many men that struggle with OLD and dating in general, but look...you don't have to play by the rules, you can get creative and if you're just meeting these women on a whim then that's probably not doing you any favor either..don't take it to the extreme and say you don't want to play phone/pen pals and all of that but at least have some idea whether you connect with that person on some level or not...even the basics, like interests...you need to gauge that to some degree, somehow for yourself.

Yes, I agree with your last statement 100% but yes it was also on whim so the rules change a bit. I asked her for coffee and she said lets meet for a beer.

Listen, to those who think I'm angry. I am not and I am also not bitter. I am a gentlemen but I also like a particular type of women. This wasn't a traditional date. It wasn't a date at all. My post was just my opinion of what happened and how I feel things should go in a situation like this. Don't bash me or turn this into something it's not. Especially if you don't know me. Don't analyze it.

January 10, 2014

I've never let a guy pay on a date. Some insisted a lot so I let them pay, but it annoyed me and next time I paid myself. It's a bad way for men to show they are the "males" and they can "buy" women if they like, which I find stupid and offending, although I'm an enemy of feminism. In fact when I started dating my bf, I told him on the first date that there is no need for someone to pay, we had a third wallet in which we added the same amount of money every week or so and we paid everything from there. It is the fair thing to do.

This woman obviously thought that you had to pay for her company, either there was a chemistry between you two or not. The majority of women believe that cause that's how we are raised, that we are so beautiful and sweet and men have to pay to have us around. Very feministic, I know:P I would send her a text saying something like "you didn't show there was no chemistry when you did NOT offer to pay your half of the bill...". Oh I would be happy to send it as well!

January 10, 2014

Huh. Ridiculous. She should offer to pay because she didn't feel a connection? Where did you learn such nonsense? is this really how you think of women?

I repeat. You wrote this because you feel rejected and not because she didn't offer to pay.

NO, THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID. I said she should OFFER to pay no matter what but particularly for two reasons. One, she didn't feel a connection.

Two, we met online, on whim and it was our first time.

Pay attention to the whole picture instead of choosing to read and focus on just a small part of it. Also, if your going to get angry, make accusations, and assumptions don't take part in this thread. it's one thing to say how you feel or would behave but it's another to say things like 'is this how you feel about women' or to accuse me of being bitter. It's not constructive. It's a waste of time and it's b.s....again it make you sound bitter, bitter towards men.

January 10, 2014

If you're bummed out by a $12 martini, why not offer to meet up where it won't cost you much? Public park for a nice walk? Coffee?

January 10, 2014

NO, THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID. I said she should OFFER to pay no matter what but particularly for two reasons. One, she didn't feel a connection.
Two, we met online, on whim and it was our first time.

Pay attention to the whole picture instead of choosing to read and focus on just a small part of it. Also, if your going to get angry, make accusations, and assumptions don't take part in this thread. it's one thing to say how you feel or would behave but it's another to say things like 'is this how you feel about women' or to accuse me of being bitter. It's not constructive. It's a waste of time and it's b.s....again it make you sound bitter, bitter towards men.

I love men.

I certainly don't love men who ditz a woman to mask their inability to accept rejection. If this woman had shown affection,you'd be calling her up for a date, buying her another drink, instead of whining about the one she never paid for.

January 10, 2014

I've never let a guy pay on a date. Some insisted a lot so I let them pay, but it annoyed me and next time I paid myself. It's a bad way for men to show they are the "males" and they can "buy" women if they like, which I find stupid and offending, although I'm an enemy of feminism. In fact when I started dating my bf, I told him on the first date that there is no need for someone to pay, we had a third wallet in which we added the same amount of money every week or so and we paid everything from there. It is the fair thing to do.

This woman obviously thought that you had to pay for her company, either there was a chemistry between you two or not. The majority of women believe that cause that's how we are raised, that we are so beautiful and sweet and men have to pay to have us around. Very feministic, I know:P I would send her a text saying something like "you didn't show there was no chemistry when you did NOT offer to pay your half of the bill...". Oh I would be happy to send it as well!

I want to thank you, if anything for the simple fact that there are people (women) who do have a different perspective and who may be a little be more liberal. I always offer to pay and will pay unless someone insists and I think that's great if they do. Like I said, I like a girl who will throw a twenty on the bar.

Just to point out again to those who read this. It's was all the factors that lead me to believe she should have offered to pay.

January 10, 2014

I love men.

I certainly don't love men who ditz a woman to mask their inability to accept rejection. If this woman had shown affection,you'd be calling her up for a date, buying her another drink, instead of whining about the one she never paid for.

AGAIN....WRONG! Another reason for me to think your only seeing what you see and focusing on a small part of it. I said...WE (as in I) did not have a connection, romantic or other. Although the conversation went well we didn't have a connection.

IN OTHER WORDS...it would not have mattered to me if she showed affection. You know what your doing? Making assumptions again. The assumption that I am a shallow guy that would jump on an opportunity to see someone again, I am only going to assume you will imply for sex, based on the fact that she showed me affection even though I felt no connection.

You got the wrong guy. AND, now you say im whining? You should just leave this post.

January 10, 2014

Well if you said coffee and she said bar, then it was your call if you were up to it...take responsibility for your decisions and actions, if you don't want to do something or don't think it's fair then say something...don't just do it then resent the person for it, if you feel that's worth a message to let her know how you feel about it then go ahead...personally, nothing ever stops me from saying how I feel for better or worse, I tell people straight up how I feel and what I think.

You had barely gotten to know her before asking her out, I can understand how a woman could feel a little odd jumping out for a coffee...she might figure it's best to go to a local bar especially depending on the time of day and just grab a quick drink...she might feel a little nervous so she had something with a little more kick to it to relax and loosen up, and honestly a lot of women don't drink beer that I've met...a lot of them prefer a glass of wine or something that is not a beer.

So you paid 12 dollars for a martini...is it worth this much fuss? You realize what this is making you look like right?

It seems like you're upset about her not being interested in you, then having to pay, and then for her behavior and how she acted out..in which she was not necessarily obligated to do anything, could she have done things better or should she had paid for her own drinks...but she didn't, it's the risk you take going out on dates, especially situations like this.

And don't get all mad and take it personal/defensive because people here are telling you their opinions, they're just giving you what you asked for here.

It's evident that you've got a chip on your shoulder by your behavior and this is more than about just this martini and paying for drinks.

January 10, 2014

She had to have known last night that she didn't have a connection.

Not necessarily.

I just got married to a guy I was not sexually attracted to on our first date. For some, it takes time.

Especially in a situation like this.

But how did the date feel for you? What would you have thought if she HAD said she wanted to see you again?

Thoughts?! I actually feel like telling her 'next time offer to pay for your 12 dollar martini'

Price of dating and if you feel that way, you will lessen your field of possibilities.

Sorry… but that's the way of the world. Complain all you want, but it is unlikely to change anything.

January 10, 2014

Not necessarily.

I just got married to a guy I was not sexually attracted to on our first date. For some, it takes time.

But how did the date feel for you? What would you have thought if she HAD said she wanted to see you again?

Price of dating and if you feel that way, you will lessen your field of possibilities.

Sorry… but that's the way of the world. Complain all you want, but it is unlikely to change anything.

Like I said, I didn't feel the date went to well. We had nice conversation but we didn't have a connection. If she said she wanted to see me again I might have said right out no thanks that I didn't feel a connection.

I think some people are making this out to be a much bigger deal to me then I wanted to portray it to be. Maybe I just read too much into the responses or maybe it's just the nature of these forums. I feel like Im walking away with a dagger in my back because I suggested that it would have been proper manners considering all the factors to offer, at the very least, offer to pay.

January 10, 2014

Why are you telling people how they SHOULD act? This is really not going to help you much. You have to accept that some people are just like that. What can you do about it? Just say "next" and move on.

January 10, 2014

Should have just left. She would have had to pay for the drink she ordered. Sounds like she just wanted free stuff and felt entitled to free drinks.

If its a blind meeting it should have been established that it was strictly platonic and you will be covering your tab and only your tab. Any woman who has a problem with you saying that to her feels entitled to free stuff , even though its not even technically a date, since you are complete strangers

January 10, 2014

When you originally agreed to meet her for a drink did you intend to pay? Or did your view change during the course of the date? Or did it change after she told you she didn't want to see you again?

IMO if you didn't want to pay, then you shouldn't have paid. You can't expect her to read your mind. You picked up the tab and paid for it without asking her to chip in -- and somehow that's her fault? If this was such a concern, you should've stuck to your guns on meeting her for coffee. That is a good way to cheaply pay for a first date.

A lot of women -- including me -- expect a man who asks us out to pay for the first date and typically do not offer to pay for the first date. It seems that the woman you met up with is one of these types. There are plenty of other women out there who want to split the bill on a first date. Obviously you are probably more compatible with one of them if you are complaining about buying this woman two drinks.

At any rate, you have to speak up for yourself. You should've put in the cash for your two beers and then slid the check over to her. That is how you handle it.

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Twelve dollar Martini.....blind dates.

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