confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 In two days I have had two bizarre triggers. Yesterday I called my husband at work and it went to voicemail. it used to happen last year during the affair and I'd wonder why he wasn't picking up. He was with her. This time he has a new rule that he doesn't pick up his phone after a certain time so he can't get his work done before deadline. (I had misplaced my cell and his new cell number). So there was that trigger. Then just now...it was supposed to rain this morning but instead it snowed. Kid had a two hour delay and the roads look awful. My husband didn't want him t go on the bus so I suggested I take him. I am exhausted. Absolutely exhausted,but I still offered....like I did all last year. I drove my kid to school every single day and picked him up..20 minutes away all last year. I did that because my husband wanted it that way and said we would rotate getting him. doing that meant Icouldn't work outside the home at a normal job. I did it to make my husband happy. After the affair my husband is screaming at me about how he worked two jobs so I could stay home with our son and how he never felt wanted and how. ..... I was his damn babysitter for over a year. He went to visit this woman and I sat alone, worrying about him and trying to get healthy again and trying to make sense of why I was sick and trying to make him happy. I tried to make him happy and i failed because he stll cheated on me. I tried and I was never good enough. I broke this morning..sobbing because it all came back to me -- all the drving last year..all the times alone at night ... all the times I sacrificed my happiness for him. It didn't even matter. I dont want this to come out wrong. My husband has done everything possible to make this up to me. Everything. He is trying. But when it comes to these break downs..he can't handle it. The guilt is overwhelming and he doesn't want the pain. But he brought this pain to this marriage...not me. He did this. So I want to tell him to suck it up buttercup....you s.hit on our marriage now you have to get the freaking pooper scooper and clean up your mess. But he is..he is trying. I can't say that to him in that way. I want to, but I can't. He has so much guilt he can't even function some days. I guess I just needed to get out that I'm still a mess..still very screwed up and just when I think (six months later) I'm moving on something like this blindsides me. I'm standing in the driveway bawling and couldn't even figure out what the hell was wrong with me. BTW, I didn't take my son. My husband did. So he's not a total a.sshole anymore.
Clay Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I am really sorry you are going through this. It is so difficult to survive after being cheated on. Your husband is going to have to just deal with it or move on. I hope you are able to get through this I know how really hard it is. Try to focus on better things when you start feeling the pain come on. Think about something that makes you happy. I know that is hard to do but it will be better for you in the long run if you can learn how to better handle it. Clay 2
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Did you two do marriage counseling? Together and on your own? 6 months isn't that long....It's still fresh and even though your H is working hard and putting so much effort, he has to understand that you're still hurting deeply and are having triggers. It isn't easy and it won't be for a while, but if you two can try to support each other and have patience (him especially), do the counseling, this can work out. the love is still there... Sorry you've had a rough day. Hugs. 1
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Thank you. Yes, we have been in counseling in the past but are not right now. We want to go back but we don't want to go to the same counselor and are concerned about going to a new one because we don't want to have to rehash it all again. Thanks for the support!
Fluttershy Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Rehashing might be good. Each time you might discover something new aboit yourself or him. Don't be afraid of going there. Get back to MC. Six months is still fresh. Don't be so hard on yourseld and expect to be "over it". But do realize and work on accepting there is nothing he can do to undo what dis. There is no grand gesture or words or actions that will make it go away. It is now a part of your history forever. But, for me, it has become a distant part of my history. It doesn't bother me or fill me with the crushing emotions. Instead I see a man who worked hard to win me back. Who took full responsibility and worked on himself. That is all he can do and be there for you. Don't be afraid to express what you want him to do to help you. He may not be able to undo anything but he can prove by his continued actions he is remorseful. No WS should ever tell their BS to get over it or minimize anything they feel. I hope he isn't doing that (and I'm not talking slip ups. They aren't gonna get it right all the time. But continually being dismissive or what not is a big no no) 3
scatterd Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) I am sorry you are going through this ,it takes time to get over betrayal. It can take a few years for some. I know he does not want to rehash this but I think you need to be open about your insecurity's. Let him know these things are triggers for you. If you do not communicate this could lead to a longer heal time and resentment. Trust is hard to get back its earned.It may hurt him to talk about this but let him know it hurts you not to. You do not need to bring up the past actions just how you are feeling and have a need for reinsurance. If this does not work maybe you should consider counseling again together and one on one. I wish you peace, Big Hugs Edited January 12, 2014 by scatterd
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